My wife is not what most men would call "perfect." She doesn't have perfect tits or a perfect ass. She has had three kids, and it shows. Her tits are no longer perky. She has stretch marks and has packed on at least forty pounds more than "ideal." She keeps her hair cut short, which while practical, doesn't help her looks. She is pretty, but nowhere near "model" material.
But then, who am I to judge? I let myself go a long time ago. I'm out of shape, overweight and do nothing to make myself attractive to anyone. We both lost interest and have been roommates, more than spouses, for at least the last ten years of our twenty-five-year marriage.
Back in the early days, we had an extremely active sex-life. However, giving birth to three kids, surviving breast cancer and undergoing prolonged hormone treatments killed her desire for sex and our sex life. It did nothing, however, to eliminate my appetite for sex.
My wife and I are not only best friends. We are family. Neither of us has ever considered divorce. We love each other and are absolutely devoted to each other. The only thing negative in our lives is our lack of sexual intimacy.
Believe me; we tried everything. We tried counseling. We tried meditation. We tried dietary supplements and medications. We even tried hormone replacement therapy. Nothing worked. In the end, her desire would not be there. She would reject any sexual advances I would make, and that would increase my frustration. We started resenting one another. She resented that I still wanted sex and she didn't. I resented her rejection and that she wouldn't even consider a periodic pity fuck.
After one year of no sex, I was angry. After three years, I was depressed. After seven years with no sexual intimacy, I was resigned to never having sex with my wife again. That is when I decided I would have sex, just not with her.
I wasn't sure where to start or how to go about getting laid. I joined an online website for meeting "adult friends" and met a few couples and horny ladies. However, most of them were into things for which I had no interest. The couples usually were a front to get the hubby some bi-sexual cock. After a couple of embarrassing situations, I realized that couples were probably not the solution. The few single females I met either wanted to be abused or humiliated, and that wasn't my area of interest either.
I became depressed, and everything in my life began to suffer, my work, my relationships with my kids and most importantly my relationship with my wife. For the first time in twenty-five years, I was contemplating divorce. But, I didn't want to go down that path. I loved my wife, and if not for this one thing, she was the perfect wife. I was determined to make one final attempt to fix things, and if I failed I would divorce and go live out the rest of my days as a Buddhist monk.
So, I told my wife we needed to talk. I arranged for us to have a quiet evening alone for me to explain to her my feelings. I started out by reassuring her of my heartfelt love for her. Then, I revealed to her about my needs and how important sex was to me. She listened patiently without interrupting.
I confessed to her about my transgressions with the people I'd met online. I even admitted to her about the visits to Asian massage parlors and the two occasions where I had hired an "escort." I expected her to be hurt or angry, maybe even to divorce me because of it. I was surprised when she told me she knew I had been doing it.
"I knew you were doing something." She calmly explained, holding my hands, "I wasn't sure what it was, nor did I know the details, but I knew you were having sex with someone."
I felt guilty and ashamed. "I'm so sorry, honey. I betrayed you, Linda, and I know you may never forgive me. But, I am incredibly sorry."
We sat in silence for several moments. Eventually, she spoke first. "Are you going to leave me?" she asked, almost in tears.
I held her hand to my lips and kissed it softly. "I was afraid you would be the one wanting a divorce."
"I decided a while back, that if you were going to stay with me even though I have no desire for sex, I would not be upset if you got it from someone else. You never threw it in my face. You did your best to keep it from me, and you never neglected to be with me. It's my fault; I have nothing to divorce you for."
I stared into the eyes of this woman who I had known for almost thirty years. "You knew, and yet you never said anything?"
"I felt like if we talked about it, we would be making it real. As long as we didn't talk about it, well, then I didn't really know for sure. I could hide from the reality. In my heart I knew, though. Plus, I was afraid if we discussed, and I gave you my permission, you would indulge it more, spending less time with me. I was afraid you would find someone to replace me."
"Baby, nobody will ever replace you. You're the only woman I will ever love."
"But, I'm broken. You deserve someone better. You deserve someone who wants to be intimate with you. You're a good man, Mark, and you deserve better than me."
Her words cut me deeply, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. How could I have let my sexual needs cause this woman pain? How could I be so insensitive to her feelings?
"You're not broken, baby, you're the perfect wife. I couldn't ask for anyone better for me, for our kids." I tried to reassure her, but it wasn't working. I had decided to drop the whole purpose of this meeting and resigned myself to living in our sexless marriage.
I pulled her to me and kissed her. After a minute or two of holding the kiss, she pulled back and spoke. "Why did you tell me about your flings? Why did you want to talk to me tonight?"
I struggled for an answer. I didn't want to hurt my wife more than I already had, but I needed her to understand at least some of my feelings.
"Well," I began, changing what I wanted to say slightly, "I told you about my flings because I wanted to clear the air and not keep any secrets from you any longer."
She smiled softly, "Yes, that would be nice. Keeping secrets makes it like cheating. I'd prefer to know than to have you cheat."
Her use of the word cheat, made me flinch slightly. "But, most importantly," I continued, "I wanted you to know that you mean more to me than having flings with others. I don't want to lose you and if that means no more sex, well then, I'm prepared to make that sacrifice."
She hugged my neck, but shook her head, "No, baby, you're not. You say that now, but I know you. You don't want to hurt me. I love and admire you for that, but I know in a few weeks, you'll need sex and you'll start to resent me for it, again."
I was about to argue when she added the word 'again.' "What do you mean again?" I asked gently.
"I mean, I know you were resenting me for not having sex with you before. It hurt. That's how I knew you had started cheating. You stopped showing the resentment toward me."
Her comment was a revelation to me. I didn't know my attitude had been that obvious and plainly perceived. "Oh," I replied, fumbling for what to say next.
"So, please, don't make me any promises you can't keep or promises that will cause us more pain if you try to keep them."
I listened and nodded slowly, "Ok, but I don't want to cheat on you anymore. I don't want to pay for handjobs at the massage parlor or hire hookers."
"I'm glad," she replied, "I don't like you doing those things, either. But, you need to have sex with someone, right?"
"Yes, but I want it to be with you."
She shook her head, "No, you don't. I'd be a dead fish. I wouldn't enjoy it with you. You don't want to fuck a corpse; you want to fuck a woman who fucks you back and enjoys everything you do to her as much as you enjoy doing it. Stop trying to make me feel better by denying who are you are. Please."
I was stunned. She had never been so direct with me on something like this before. My respect for her was growing exponentially.
"Ok," I offered, deciding to be just as direct. "Yes, I want to have sex with someone who likes to have sex and likes to have sex with me. I want someone who likes the things I do to her and comes up with fun and exciting things to do with me. But, I need it to be real and natural."