Chapter 05: Final Chapter
I found a motel just off the Interstate and only three blocks from the hospital where I did ER Doc for them. After getting unpacked, my first call was to the ER to ask them to call me on my cell phone only. This was for scheduling purposes. In as much as possible, I wanted stability in my life. Since my home life was going to be chaotic, I wanted my professional life to be stable. I also wanted to be busy so I called the ER Chief and volunteered for additional shifts. He was more than happy to oblige so I was set with additional income possibly for lawyers and counselors plus less time on my hands to brood over my marital problems. This also put me in town more as I figured I would have to see a lawyer and counselors and god knows who all else.
I wanted a time out; to disengage, not to disappear or runaway from the problem. I knew Janet was going to be a problem that would take up considerable time so I needed to be available locally. There was nothing in me that said "run away, throw her away".
Strangely enough, I slept well that night. Taking action had actually relieved me of some depression and anxiety. The next morning I determined to call Janet to let her know where I was but that I was not interested in talking to her yet.
Our home phone rang as I called home for the first time since I walked out.
"Hello" It was Janet's voice.
"Janet, John here. Listen, I'm really sorry for allowing everything to happen and degenerate to where we are now. I'm staying at the Red Oak Motor Lodge off the interstate near Memorial Hospital. I don't want to talk about what has happened yet. Give me some room and time then we can talk."
"John, please come home. This is all a terrible misunderstanding. You have made a mountain out of a mole hill." She wailed into the phone.
"Janet, I'm not going to talk about it now. You and I disagree on the gravity and seriousness of the situation. Don't call me. I will call you soon. Try to think about this from my perspective. I need time to think about this. Talk later. Bye." I hung up.
Immediately the phone rang again but I wouldn't pick up. I figured it would be Janet wanting to tell me how wrong I was.
After breakfast at the motel's restaurant, I returned to my room to dress out for a jog and work out. I needed my endorphins working. As I jogged, my mind went to work. First I thought of how I should have acted on my intuition that told me the swap could only bring bad to my marriage. I determined not to be weak and give in again like that. Another show of weakness would set me up again for even worse things.
I began to review what I considered to be the biggest problems. I wanted to get my thoughts organized with the major problem first then the others in order.
My jogging path was quite different from my usual one so I had to concentrate on my jogging. After a couple of miles, I was sufficiently tired and hot and sweaty to return to my room feeling considerably better. I disrobed, showered. Slipped on my bathing suit, took my sun screen and towel then headed for the Motel's outdoor pool. I took paper and pen with me.
At poolside, I was alone. Motel pools are used mainly in the late afternoons and evenings. The sun felt good on my bare legs as I rubbed in sun screen. I tried to ;remember the order in which I had written down the restrictions on our agreement Janet and I had made with Bob and Jennifer before the swap. My mind was still not working clearly.
The thing that aggravated me most was hearing Janet making plans for a clandestine meeting with Bob. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. That is why I was in a motel room instead of at home. By making the call and making the plan she had broken several of our agreements. We had agreed not to agree to another meeting right off the bat. It also broke with our agreement not to meet independently or secretly. I felt anger welling up again. Even worse was how she did it right after promising not to. Surely she knew I would be listening in again. Was she sending me some kind of perverse message of defiance?
That was the last problem but was it the primary problem. I needed to think about that. Listing the issues would help me prioritize them later. I thought of this like approaching a patient. Her talking to Bob was like a chief complaint. Now I needed to go through the "Present Illness". These are the factors relating to the Chief Complaint. When did it start? Who was involved? Where did it occur? What made it better or worse? What was it associated with? I had to put my intuition on hold until the scientific process had been completed. Then I could make some rational guesses if the issues were not crystal clear.
The next thought to invade my mind was how she could ease up to me, promise me I was her only love, then immediately set out to undermine my fragile trust in her. We had lived together for twenty years without a hint of such unacceptable behavior. It appeared as if the polluting of her mind by the idea of sex outside of marriage had changed her. I wondered how that idea had gotten hold of her. Had Jennifer been involved in this? Had Jennifer convinced my wife to experiment? Maybe it had been Sis? Maybe it had been from magazines or from the internet? Who or what had planted the seed and watered it. Wherever it had originated, it had taken hold of her in such a manner as to ruin our marriage trust.
Was this a phase or a more permanent change? Could it be turned around? Could I ever trust her again? Did I have to trust her to be happy? Maybe I could live knowing that she wanted and was receiving sexual attention from others? What if she wanted a female with female experience? What if? There were to many questions to be answered. My mind was cluttered and my emotions blurred my thinking. I went inside to get an antacid to calm my churning stomach. It didn't help much.
I thought I knew where to start but I didn't. I took the advice of an author I once knew. I had asked him how to start writing stories. He told me. Just start. Start writing and let your thoughts flow then edit and organize. So I just began, not knowing where to begin or what direction my thoughts would go.
I began to write down the problems and my questions. I was feeling a little better by getting a little bit better organized thoughts. I brooded for a while on each question. I tried to get a 'feel' for all this. I didn't want my intuition to help me yet. I really didn't know if my marriage would survive or even if I wanted it to. What I did know was that I wanted all this to not have happened and for it to be over with soon. I vowed to not let this become a chronic unsolved problem.
I put my papers aside and dove into the swimming pool to cool off. After several short laps (the pool was not that big) I got out and headed for my room. The light on he telephone was blinking, telling me I had a message. After drying off and dressing, I called the front desk for the call message. It was from, who else, Janet. I decided to call her back. My cell phone had been off and showed several messages from her. These I deleted without listening to the messages from Janet.
I called her.
"Hello." Janet spoke calmly.
"Janet, John here. You called. I've been poolside here at the motel alone, thinking and writing some things down. What do you want?"
"Look, John. Nothing gets solved by running away. You have to come home." She sounded more than a little pissed at me.
"Janet, I don't have to do anything except breath and pay taxes. So don't go ordering me around." I was firm.
"I'm sorry, John. I didn't mean it to be that way. It's just that we cant solve this with you gone. Quit crying in your beer and let's talk this out." I detected a note of sarcasm which angered me. Who is she to be sarcastic with me?
"Janet, I'm in no mood for sarcasm. I called you back as a courtesy to you, so get off your high hat."
