The Lighthouse

"Don't ever think I don't love you," Dani said. She had a serious look on her face, as if she really meant it.

I swore I could hear laughter in the wind as it howled outside our little tent, mocking us as we sat huddled in its frail shelter. Was it laughing at Dani's claim? At the absurdity of having this conversation outside in the middle of a snowstorm? Or at both of us for being fool enough to be caught out in an early fall blizzard with only this little tent for shelter?

"It's just that I love him, too. That's why I needed this trip."

The tent flapped wildly in the wind, sounding like derisive applause as I just sat there, open mouthed.

"I needed to spend some time alone with you, to help me decide."

"Decide?" I asked like an idiot. We were husband and wife; I thought all such decisions had been made years ago.

"Yes, decide. I know it comes as a surprise to you, but this is not easy for me either."

"I'll bet," I replied, trying to appear unaffected.

"No need to be sarcastic. It just happened. It's not as if I did this to hurt you." For some reason, she seemed upset with me as she read me the day's lesson from the Cheaters' Handbook.

"Lovely. And I thought you just wanted a nice, romantic autumn hiking trip."

"I did!" she exclaimed, obviously wanting to convince me, or maybe even herself. "Hiking together with you, romantic evenings in front of the fireplace, gentle loving in the tent. That's what I wanted," she explained while the elements continued trying to rip our small tent to shreds. The wind's laughter became manic. I looked towards the tent entrance and the snow piled up in front of it. "Exactly," she confirmed whatever I had not said. "Instead, I got this."

"Dani, nobody anticipated a snow storm this early. You know that. We checked the forecast together."

"I'm not accusing you of anything. You know me, though. I believe in signs. This terrible storm is a sign. This trip wasn't meant to be."

"What does that mean?" I was genuinely confused. The only "sign" I could read in this storm was that we were damn fools to have trusted the weather at this time of year.

"Tom, please believe me. I love you. That's what makes this so hard. It just happened; please believe I never wanted this. I really wanted this vacation to expunge him from my mind. To rekindle our love."

For some reason, it seemed important for her to convince me, but everything she said sounded phony.

"How can you inadvertently fall in love with some guy? That doesn't happen by accident," I accused. I knew the whole conversation was pointless; words wouldn't change anything. Still, I was unable to just let the conversation die.

"Oh, but it did, just like that." She actually sounded slightly amazed at herself. "You know, he's quite good looking. Just like you. I never wanted to be an unfaithful wife..."

"Wait, what? You already had sex with him? Accidentally, I assume. After all, you said you never set out to cheat."

"Accidentally? No, it was the natural consequence of our attraction."

"Attraction..." I just shook my head.

"Yes, damn it. Accuse me of being a dreadful, cheating wife. Go on. Do it," she demanded, trying to divert the talk form the main point.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes, you could call it love if you want to. There, I've said it. I love him. Sue me. I love two men."

"You want two husbands?"

The situation would have been funny if it hadn't happened to me.

"What? No. No, no, that wouldn't work anyway. No, what I wanted was to reconnect with you, in spite of what I have with him. Do you understand? I tried to choose you. I did. I went on this trip with you although he begged me not to go."

"Well, you certainly kept no secrets from him," I remarked needlessly. I already knew everything I had said during this entire conversation had been needless, but for some reason I just kept going.

"What? Anyway. As I said, this is a sign. This trip to reconnect has turned out to be the trip from hell."

"Yes, and you've just made it perfect."

"I know, and you have to understand how sorry I am."

"I'm deeply thankful."

"Oh, stop. There's no need to be sarcastic. You know how much I believe in signs, in the stars, in Karma..."

"Oh, yeah." I interrupted her, which earned me an annoyed expression.

"Look at this trip. You see any romantic camp fires? You see us reconnecting? This is a sure sign. I can't ignore that at this important juncture in my life. This trip, this planned affirmation of our love, it just wasn't meant to be. I know which way to go now. I know with whom to spend my life now. I'm sorry, Tom, but it's not you."

"You can't seriously let this storm..." I tried to protest, although it was pointless. Our marriage was dead anyway.

"Tom, I can read the signs. My mind is made up," she sternly interrupted me.

That bitch.

"You choose a life-threatening situation to dump this load of shit on me? You're leaving me because you've fallen in love with another man? You've already cheated with him? What kind of wife are you? Hell, what kind of human being are you?"

"I understand you're upset, but there's no need for insults," she explained, trying to sound patient amid the howling noise, but the result sounded merely condescending.

"I think there is a lot of need for insults, and you deserve them all." I noticed that my feelings for her had already changed drastically: from love to shock to anger. I knew my anger would fade, as I had truly loved her and I didn't expect to just turn that off. Right then, though, I reveled in my anger. "So, how do you see this working out? We sleep in this tent for the rest of the trip, loathing each other? What do the stars tell you? What exactly does Karma demand now?"

"Tom, I know you're hurt, and don't think I don't understand you," she tried to sound sympathetic. It didn't work. "This must come as a shock. Losing a woman like me. Losing her to another man that she chose above you..." Damn it, was she trying to rub it in? That was low.

"Just shut the fuck up, okay? Don't make it even worse." I tried to calm down. I didn't want to show her how much she affected me. Not anymore. "How do you see us proceeding practically?"

"What?" It sounded like she had another prepared speech to unload on me, and was upset that my practical question had short circuited it. "I see you're not going to handle this well. Maybe we should part company right away. I mean, in the morning, not right now. I will take the spare tent. We split the food and water. I can easily make my way back without you."

"Sounds great," I replied. "Just take it on the run then," I added, trying to sound cool and unaffected.

Her hiking abilities were on par with mine, but I wasn't sure either of us could make it back to civilization alone. This storm was really bad.

She just rolled over with her back to me, and pretended to sleep in the icy tent, while the storm howled outside. The whole situation was beyond ridiculous. My wife had just broken up with me after more than eight years, and she had done so in the midst of most life-threatening situation we had ever experienced.

She had obviously invested time and emotions in another man, which didn't happen by accident, even though she tried to paint it that way. Maybe the other guy was just a tool to end our recently not-so-great marriage.

She certainly could have done that with less drama than confessing her cheating in a tent in the middle of a blizzard. I had to give her points for originality; I would never have imagined a rational human being doing anything remotely like this.

* * * * *

The morning revealed a solid wall of snow in front of the tent entrance. After we had wordlessly dug our way out, we stood staring at a featureless white void, unsure how to proceed. The path we had taken the day before was nowhere to be seen, but at least the wind had died down a bit.

"Um..." she began, obviously embarrassed.

"Yeah, whatever," I said for no real reason, as I started to pull the tent out of the snow.

"Listen..." she started again, but ran out of steam.

"You might help me with this. You could be in bed with your new guy a lot sooner this way."

"Listen, Tom, there is no need..."

"Just get your ass going, okay?"

I wondered if our break up as a team diminished our chances of survival. I felt my anger returning.

"Okay, okay," she said placatingly, as she bent to pull up a tent stake.

After we had packed everything and were ready to go, we had the problem that we didn't know where to go. As our GPS devices were unable to find satellites in the bad weather, we only had our maps and compasses to rely on. The landscape around us was uniformly white and featureless.

"Okay, we are roughly here," I pointed out on the map, with fingers already hurting from the cold.

"I don't think so. We are way farther west. Look, the best way is to just go north. This village is just 25 miles away."

"Yes, but what if we miss it?"

"What? Why should we?"

"Look around. Even if it was only a mile away, we'd still not see it. If we miss it just slightly, we will just walk by it."

"Okay, mister smart. What do you propose?"

"Let's go east until we reach the shore. From there, we follow the coast north and we can't miss that village."

"You're kidding, right? That's what, 40, 45 miles?"

"No idea. It's less than that if I'm right about where we are. Either way, it's certainly longer, but it's safer."

"Tom, I don't know. The guys in the last village... They were quite tough. Still... Tom, they were clearly afraid of that area. When I said we might go along the coast, they said to stay out of there."

"Dani, if we just go north from here, it means almost certain death. We will most likely miss that village in this white hell."

"Tom, my mind is made up. I will go north. Maybe it's a good thing anyway if we split right here and right now."

I knew her. She felt some guilt about what she had done, but she would never show it. Rather than continuing to justify it, she'd just walk away, even if it meant endangering herself.

"Dani, please." I tried to convince her. "This is life and death. Our split up should not lead you to..."

"Oh, just shut up, okay?" Wow, I had rarely seen her that aggressive. "Stop clinging to me, okay? We're done. Get that into your stubborn head, okay?"

"Dani, calm down, please..." No sooner had the words left my mouth than I realized my mistake. They were the magic words, never to be said to an angry woman.

"Do what you want, okay? Good luck. I'm going north," she snapped.

"Dani?" I said softly.

"What?" She fired the word at me.

"Good luck to you too. And thanks for the good times we had."

I thought I saw her expression crack for a fraction of a second, but it was probably just wishful thinking. She turned around and left, striding purposefully into the featureless white. I wistfully watched her become smaller and smaller until she was just a tiny dark speck. I remembered our past, the loving, the good moments, the early years, as the icy wind bit into my face.

All of this good stuff had slowly seeped out of our marriage. I had expected our split for a while, but not like this. Never like this. I had to keep myself from chasing after her, but what good would that have done? She didn't want me anymore, and if she didn't, I didn't want her anymore either. Still, this was not how our story should end. It just wasn't right.

I somehow knew I'd never see her again, and despite what happened, I didn't feel good about that. It felt wrong to just let her fend for herself, despite the things she had said and done. She would at least have some provisions, as we had split everything.

Sighing, I started to make my way east, towards the shore. It would probably take a few days, but I'd find the village eventually. I just hoped she wouldn't already be there, gloating. At the same time, I hoped she would be there, safe, despite what she did. I hoped she would survive but I also hoped I wouldn't meet her again. Most of all, I dreaded the time alone in this icy nothingness. I looked around and the sight was beautiful, but scary.

The trail proved to be difficult, mostly because it wasn't there. The landscape was uniformly white, except for a few rocks that peeked out of the white blanket. Luckily, the calmer wind made it easier to look ahead, where nothing at all was to be seen. My only help was my compass, and I clung to it for dear life.

Unfortunately, a solo hiking trip means a lot of time for thought. That can be fun sometimes, but not after my marriage had just imploded. My head was full of anger, self-doubt, self-recrimination and childish revenge plans.

I remembered the good times. Our awkward dating history. The way she couldn't decide between Tim and me. My elation when she finally did, and she picked me. My proposal, that she almost rejected. Damn, had I been that clueless all that time? The signs were there right from the start, the only difference was that now I was looking for them. She had never been as committed to our relationship as I was, and I had managed to ignore it. Still, her cheating and the way she broke us up was cruel. I tried to concentrate on hiking again, to keep hold of what was left of my sanity.

For a few hours, not much changed. The landscape got a bit rockier, there were a few trees here and there and I was still thinking endlessly about Dani, with wildly changing emotions. My feet began to hurt from the cold, my fingers were almost numb and my face felt like a slab of ice. Each step was hard work, as I sank into the snow down to my ankles. The worst thing was, there was no ocean in sight. Not a single one.

Then I started to go insane. The landscape was still uniformly white, but I started to have hallucinations. Well, only one hallucination: a dark, vertical line starting to show against the white canvas of the world. I rubbed my eyes, but it didn't go away. Shrugging, I stumbled toward it. Dusk was falling and I'd soon have to choose a campground in the absolutely uniformly flat landscape. I knew the choice wouldn't be an easy one. Every spot had exactly the same advantages: none.

I should have stopped. I was exhausted, I was still upset about the break up, I was starting to fear I wouldn't survive this. Still, something caused me to plow on towards this line that was the only point of reference in the whole white world. It had a magical pull, mainly because it had been the only object I'd seen all day that wasn't white. After a while, it became clearer. It was no hallucination, it looked like some sort of tower, dark against the snow.

Yes! This was it. I would have a safe place to sleep. People to ask for directions. Warmth. Safety. Civilization.

The tower turned out to be an old lighthouse, which was a bit confusing as there was still no shore in sight. Actually, there was nothing at all worth mentioning in sight, except the tower itself. It didn't have a fancy red/white paint job, it was uniformly dark gray. I only recognized it as a lighthouse because of the lantern room on top. The tower had one alluring feature, though, which was a door which must lead to a sheltered space. That was a distinct advantage. The temperature had dropped, the wind had picked up again and if I planned to survive, I really had to get out of the cold.

As I came closer, the setup seemed a bit less appealing. The tower itself had definitely seen better days. The walls looked solid enough, but it had clearly not been in use for a long time. It emanated spooky vibes, although I couldn't put my finger on why. I didn't tend to have those kinds of feelings and always laughed when Dani, damn her, did. This place was clearly eerie, though. I found myself trying to imagine what Dani would say. She would be certain that it was a sign about something, Heaven only knows what, and I would tell her it was all horsefeathers. I shook myself to clear my mind and approached the door.

The snow around the door was absolutely untouched. No one had left or entered the tower for a while. I noticed this detail, but had no idea if that was a good or bad sign. I was sure Dani could tell me, but she wasn't here.

The door itself had been red at one point, then it had been green. The flaking layers of paint, plus the rust, told its history. It was a heavy, sturdy steel door and it looked as if it would resist the attack of decay for a while longer, but the traces of that fight could clearly be seen.

I wondered if it might be locked. That would be another slap of fate, after Dani's break up and her near suicidal route decision, for which I felt some guilt, I had no idea why.

After a few moments of desperate and angry pulling, I pushed the door and it opened easily. It didn't even squeak. Feeling like an idiot despite the missing "push" sign, I peeked inside.

The snowy hell outside was glaringly bright compared to the windowless interior of the tower. Its designer had obviously valued utility over ornamentation. The only feature of the interior was a spiral staircase that clung to the wall, interrupted by several platforms.

The whole building screamed "stay out," but the landscape around screamed "die here" a lot louder, so the choice was easy. The decision was made even easier by the upcoming storm front, which looked even worse than the last. I hoped Dani had reached the village already, as I was quite certain she wouldn't survive another night outside. Spooky feeling or not, I didn't feel that I had a choice, so I just went inside, and even closed the door behind me. It seemed to be the right thing, especially with the cruel weather outside, but it felt as if I was hampering my own escape.

The only source of light in the tower was the windows in the lantern room at the top. As the interior was completely featureless, I wondered where the light keeper had lived while the tower was in use. Perhaps there might be ruins of some residential building hidden under the snow outside.

My main concern was finding a place to survive the night. The bottom of that gigantic tube would do the job, but it still seemed unappealing. Maybe I was turning into superstitious Dani under these extreme conditions, but my gut feeling clearly told me 'no.' Mainly because I had no other option, I decided to go upwards and see how things looked up there. From below, the climb looked long and exhausting, and that impression turned out to be entirely correct. I didn't suffer from vertigo, but the staircase was completely made from light grids. It seemed solid enough, but the view downwards was almost completely unobstructed. To avoid worrying about unavoidable things, I forced myself not to look down until I reached the top.

Right below the lantern room, I found a big platform that was obviously once used as a storage and maintenance area. Most of it was also made from light grids, but one area wasn't. I decided that was bad place to spend the night, but still better than any other on offer.

Trying to fall asleep during a storm inside a gigantic empty tube turned out to be not easy. There seemed to be pits or crevices in the outside of the old tower, and the wind played on them to create all kinds of spooky sounds and I had to force myself to not think about monsters, ghosts or the fearful warnings of tough-looking fishermen to stay out of this area. I was sure nothing and nobody would be out here, except some idiot out on a supposed-to-be-romantic hiking trip. Namely, me.

"What are you doing here?" a male voice where no voice should have been scared me out of two years' growth. It was deep, like a rumbling engine.

"Huh... uh... what?" I replied intelligently, mostly to gain time for waking up fully.

"You don't belong here," he patiently pointed out. I suspected he was right.