The Internship

The Internship

Rambling notes:

I'm in the busiest time of year now. It's tough to publish anything though I'll try to keep a few coming. I'm catching up on the comments you've sent. This story is longish and a different style than most of what I'ver posted. The natural breaks didn't lend themselves to dividing this into chapters. At least I don't have to worry about forgetting to write "Chapter 1" again.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy.

The Internship

How had things gone from so perfect to so awful so quickly? Beth had hardly been home from college a week. She must be some sort of evil scientist to have changed the moods of so many in such a short amount of time. Mere days ago, she was attending college with her lifelong buddy turned high school sweetheart, Jim. They'd made plans to wed, plotting them out meticulously fueled by their high desire to be together. Graduation was great, coming home to their quaint town was even better. Now Beth lay on her childhood bed staring at the ceiling, scarcely able to believe she'd been home anywhere near long enough to ignite the firestorm she'd started.

Beth reviewed the mess she'd made. Her family were good hard-working people. They rooted for others and helped out whenever they could. Her family had deep roots in the land and the community. They saw the county as home, as did most of the old families there.

Two hours away the nearest city wasn't seen as an enemy by the country folks, they just didn't want to live the way the city folks did. They valued their simpler lives and straighter paths, working hard to make life in the country what they thought it should be. They wished good luck to those poor folks stuck in the city with no animosity, just a complete difference of opinion as to what to value. Folks from Beth's hometown didn't think about going to the city for recreation or shopping. Perhaps they'd go for some major event, but the reasons were few and far between.

Beth already had her life laid out; it was a life she designed. She and Jim had planned what they wanted for years and worked towards it. Now that they'd graduated from college, the plans they'd looked forward to for half their lives were about to take off soaring at breakneck speeds. Just ten days ago they'd both been giddily happy to be on the precipice of starting their life together. But when Beth arrived home, she found the offer of an internship at a prestigious firm in the city waiting in her mail.

Beth decided to take the opportunity, which set off a less than positive chain reaction. The worst of many less-than-ideal reactions was taking her faithful boyfriend, Jim, completely unawares. She hated that. She hated how she'd botched telling him more than anything.

Beth rolled over clenching her eyes shut hoping to stop the memory of that conversation playing out in her head. She didn't know anyone in the city. God help her, she didn't like the city either. She was going to be isolated there. Beth's family and Jim had talked to her about it, at length. The problem was she'd started all those conversations by announcing not only the offer of the internship, which everyone was very impressed by, but also her decision to take it, which stunned everyone to the point of waxy paralysis.

Everyone tried to explain what going to the city now would mean. Her counter list was short, one sentence: she wanted to. Her family developed a long-involved list that seemed so imbued with import that it should have been written on a scroll. Its litany against taking the internship rode from inconvenient to practically crimes against humanity. That she countered with a lame, "It will look good on her résumé," stunned those who cared about her as much as her decision to go. Hadn't she heard a word they said?

They tried to understand, asking if she wanted to work in the city. She answered the same way she had all her life: "no". They asked, "Don't you want to come back to our hometown? There's plenty of opportunity here." She affirmed "yes" in the highest order. Which confused her family even more. While the offer of the internship was impressive, actually working there wouldn't impress any employer in the county.

Living in their county and taking the internship in the city just didn't mesh. Especially as it shredded the immediate plans to start her new life with Jim. A great many things needed to happen quickly to set Jim and Beth up for careers and their marriage. Those things were to happen this summer, but the internship lasted all summer, precluding everything planned. The difficulties didn't end there.

Beth was happy to try something new. Most folks would agree with her, but the vast majority also agreed that nothing new they wanted to try was in the city. Beth didn't see her time there as a lark, but as a grand adventure, though one no one could understand her reasoning: all the adventure was out here. There were lots of places they would understand putting plans on hold to experience, this wasn't one of them.

Beth truly did love her hometown, the people in it, and their values, it was where she wanted to live. She kept restating that to the dismay of all she spoke to, as her new plan seemed contradictory to her long-term goals. Why go to the city? Whatever she learned there really wouldn't help her here. The worst part was knowing they were right. At times Beth didn't understand her drive to go herself. Especially when anyone pointed out she was putting off her marriage for an adventure without Jim. There were several sore points over that.

Jim had stopped talking about it publicly. He'd already discussed the matter with some of their friends and both of their families. When Beth didn't change her mind, he clammed up. He didn't know what to make of her apparent change of heart, but he wasn't going to publicly undermine Beth. Whatever he said would color people's attitudes, and he didn't want trouble for Beth.

In private they spoke of it constantly. Beth felt terrible, Jim truly didn't understand, like everyone else he couldn't make sense of it. He felt personally rejected. How could she say she loved everything here including him, then scrap all their plans and put off what they'd eagerly anticipated - for an internship in the city? It was like earning a spot in the world series then deciding not to play. Beth knew Jim was completely dejected. She also knew he wouldn't reveal that to anyone lest the concerned conversations towns folk were having with Beth would become negative. He'd even said, "If you're leaving me, you can be honest with me. I still won't let them hurt you." Beth was amazed he still protected her while her actions hurt him. Oh, how she loved him! They scary part was even after assuring him she would never leave him; he was not reassured. Not one whit.

Beth stayed up at night unable to sleep, visualizing herself surrounded by the good people she knew, living her career, marrying her beau, raising her children, all in her beloved hometown. She wanted all those things just that way. So, why DID she want to go? It wasn't for a résumé builder. Most likely she'd end up working for a company where she knew the owner's kids as friends, where she'd been to the owner's house for childhood sleepovers. Her insistence on the internship wouldn't impress them, it would confuse them like everyone else. While she thought it was good to be able to compare different methods of doing things, she knew none of that rose to the level of what she was giving up or making Jim give up.

Beth tried again to reason it out. The offer was an unexpected windfall from a well thought of firm. The life she expected to live didn't necessarily have to start right away. If she was ever going to do something like this, this was the best time. What made her groan aloud was making Jim live with the ramifications of her decision too. If she couldn't explain why she wanted to take the internship, she couldn't come close to explaining how she could possibly perpetrate this on Jim who wanted no part of it, and who gained absolutely nothing.

Seemingly the most obvious reason for taking the internship, and the most horrible, was that Beth didn't want to marry Jim. A reason that Jim himself thought the most plausible. She tried to explain, but with no firm reasoning the best available reason was still that Beth may have fallen out of love with Jim.

And that set up the strangest twist of the entire story. Beth not only didn't want to leave Jim; she wanted Jim to come along. When everyone, including Jim, looked horrified at that suggestion, she instead wanted him to visit her in the city every weekend. She assured him she needed him and would practically worship him as soon as he showed up. Jim tried to explain as gently as he could that simply because she was running off pell-mell and seemingly irresponsibly, didn't mean he could.

In the end whether she was coming back to him or not, he had to establish himself in the work and social environment to start his life as an adult. Jim had worked hard to set up opportunities for himself that summer. There were traditions in their county, they might sound foolish, but summer was a time when county folks mixed, and socializing was at its highest pitch. Young men proved themselves during the summer. Jim and his family had labored for years to position him for this very time and had a done a superior job of it.

Going to the city every weekend was not only something Jim didn't want to do but would preclude his own community-wide internship. His "internship" wasn't a job or a single position, it was a veritable gauntlet he would run to be seen and graded on, it was a test of leadership.

Summer league sports were a county tradition. National sports were a distant after thought. Every man, woman, and child was an avid summer league fan. The games were more than they appeared. All the business and civic leaders attended, team captaincies were coveted, and several had been offered to Jim. He planned a whirlwind tour his first week back from college to determine which teams he would lead. That summerlong test of leadership would decide who offered him a job, and if he excelled, he could earn a better position. The practice wasn't that odd, evolving out of barn raisings, harvests, and yields into sports and coaching. The trials now cloaked as games, were an apprenticeship to business. Widely watched not just by prospective employers and all the county's citizens the "applicant's" demeanor, problem solving skills, leadership, work group efficacy, and leadership by example would be on display. It was a big deal.

Yet Beth had not only told Jim to scrap the marriage plans they made together for the summer, but to scrap his personal plans as well, which would impact his career. Either alone was a major change, but Beth telling him she was going in a different direction instead of deciding the issue with him was the largest deviation of them all. This was the only major decision Jim could remember where the two of them didn't talk it out together, deciding what was best for them as a couple. It was also the only time they disagreed on what was best for them as a couple.

Requesting Jim scrap his plans seemed an almost purposeful doubling down on the mayhem Beth had created. There appeared an obvious and ominous explanation for that request too: not only had Beth fallen out of love with Jim; she wanted to ruin him! Jim dared not fuel the fire by mentioning it publicly! Heartbroken, Beth knew Jim feared the terrible explanation was true, and that Beth simply hadn't admitted it to herself yet. Even so, he still supported her publicly, all the while privately trying to make sure she understood what she was really doing and the impact it would have. To Beth it was another instance of Jim being heroic. He hadn't put his foot down and told her she wasn't going. He hadn't told her the engagement was off. He tried to understand. What he didn't have to tell her was she could alleviate all his fears by passing up the internship.

Besides hurting his career offers, Jim wasn't happy about having to go to the city every weekend. There wasn't anything in the city he wanted to do. Beth thought about his natural desires, proclivities, and talents. The answers forced her to close her eyes again. Jim was large, athletic, and in very good shape. He preferred playing to watching sports. All the leagues and the teams he was on or followed were based around his hometown. Having to go to the city to see Beth wouldn't just disrupt his playing sports, it would preclude it.

Jim liked to drive enthusiastically and ride his motorcycle, things that were better enjoyed on a winding backroad as compared to a busy highway, or red light to red light. He liked hiking the mountains not beating his hooves in concrete canyons. The whole list was like that. Jim was made for wide open spaces and the great outdoors. The city would be a stultifying prison for him. Traveling there each weekend would completely disrupt how he lived.

Beth knew Jim was worried that the exact things he found disruptive seemed to be seducing to her. It was an obstacle they needed to overcome and weren't. Beth agreed with everyone on one aspect: her decision to go to the city, putting off their plans and delaying their marriage, and asking Jim to undermine his future to see her each weekend was something she was "doing to him." It seemed punitive and she knew he didn't deserve it.

This summer Jim could rise and take the captaincy of some of those teams putting himself squarely in the headlights for full inspection. Why wasn't she making plans to come home each weekend to watch Jim in his summer endeavors? After all, no one stood to benefit as much as her from his efforts. Beth even liked going to the games and she loved watching Jim. But she needed to do this, and she was going to need the reinforcement of seeing him to make it through. She hadn't intended it, but unfortunately that meant Jim was going to have to give up being a captain, a goal he'd worked towards for years.

Beth cringed; the sacrifices all seemed to be one sided running against Jim. That he didn't like her decision to go to the city in the first place was salt for the wounds. Beth could see too easily there really was no upside for Jim. At least not that he'd see now, she told herself. She'd made a decision everyone thought a bad one, wanting Jim there added a considerable penalty for him. Thus, compounding both a problem and a sore spot.

To her credit it was Beth who brought up the subject with Jim, "Jim, I didn't count on all this impact on you. I know as your friend and prospective wife I should have. I want to apologize for the mess and ask you plainly how you feel about it."

Jim was disturbed, just as he had been since finding out about the internship, "Beth, are you going to change your mind and cancel your internship?"

She cringed, "Jim, I really believe this is something I need to do. I know it doesn't seem like it's any good at all right now, but I'm convinced it will lead to a better life for us."

Trying to be patient Jim couldn't help raising an eyebrow, "I'd like you to explain how." The most gut-wrenching aspect for Beth was that it was an honest missive - not a challenge. She had Jim floating in space.

She shook her head frenetically, a mannerism this misadventure had invented for her. "Jim, I wish I could. I can't seem to completely form the idea in my head, little less put it into words. I end up talking around it instead of explained the core. I'm sorry, that's frustrating for me too. I know you can articulate your feelings, but you've stopped, please share them with me."

"If it won't change anything, voicing my continued reservations seems like it will only make matters worse. I don't want our differences to become entrenched."

Beth swallowed involuntarily, that sounded bad. She was still looking expectantly at him though.

He continued, "We've gone from being a team to either or. You're taking your shot, so it seems I need to shut up and get in line."

Watching her beloved clam up, Beth reached out to him, "Please say it, Jim. On top of everything else I don't want to force a gag order on you."

Jim sighed sounding like he'd said the same thing a hundred times, "If you knew all those ramifications and you knew they were all bad, why did you make this decision in the first place? If you didn't know them and you do now, why won't you change your mind? If you still won't change your mind about the internship, why won't you come home to see me instead of costing me my "social internship" which has a direct impact on my eventual job which will finance our life together."

Beth nodded slowly agreeing with his concerns, "Those are all worthy objections. But I sense more. Please put it out there. I used to be able to read you like a book," she shifted her eyes to the floor, "but I've caused changes that are impacting us in every direction. I think it's best if we put our cards on the table." She saw a shadow cross his face. "Jim what is it?" Beth said loudly with genuine concern that startled, then confused him.

Jim sighed loudly, "I'm sorry, but you asked. I don't get it! If you see all these unexpected changes, none of which I like and all of which worry me, why won't you take steps to fix them? If you see that you're doing things that concern me, why do you keep doing them? It kind of seems like you have a vendetta against me. You mentioned putting our cards on the table, I wish you would. Are you leaving me? It's the constant chord that makes some sense of this mess."

Beth's head dropped. That was all information she needed to take action on! Beth was glad she asked, but staggered at the impact she hadn't thought through, and the depth to which it bit him.

Jim could see her misery, in a strange way that showed him that at least she still cared.

"Jim, I'm hoping this internship will help me be able to explain myself and clarify my thoughts. I'm not going merely to pick up some business tips. I feel like I'm not up to standard. There's a lot about this trip I don't like and that's WHY I feel I need to do it, to face that feeling down. Jim, I don't understand it all yet, but I can promise you everything I'm trying to do is to make me a better mate for you. Jim, YOU are the best part of me! I know this is causing some chaos. I know it's messing up plans we already have. If you're worried that we haven't made new ones that's because I don't think we have to. We can just push back the ones we have."

Jim's brow creased, "But Beth you're going to be gone. I don't even know if it's for four months or six. You haven't told me if you will accept their two-month offered extension. And how will my getting a lesser job help us?"

"Jim, jobs are jobs, they're very important, but I feel like I need to do this to be the mate you deserve. That seems a whole lot more important to me." Beth closed her eyes grunting in frustration, "I know, I know, I feel it too. That's nowhere near a good enough answer! My inability to give you a good enough answer is something I hope to change with this trip. I'll have plenty of time to figure it out at night. But Jim, this is a test for me, one I don't understand. I'm bitterly sorry I've made it a trial for you. I know this next statement will sound contradictory, but I assure you that I don't have one foot out the door by going away. The last thing I want is to be parted from you for any amount of time. I'm doing this precisely because what I want most is to be with you forever."

Jim didn't say anything. Eventually Beth broke the silence, "Please Jim, say what's on your mind."

"Beth, I did. I said what was worrying me. But you won't change it, and damn it, you're the one that created it all. So, what am I supposed to do? It's just as I said before. We used to be "us". We planned everything together, then this internship came up and you told me the way it was going to be, and we haven't been US ever since. You say you don't have one foot out of our relationship except the first salvo in this thing broke us into Beth and Jim, which to me IS one foot out the door. Now you want me to take a leap of faith that it won't affect us in the long run when I already see catastrophic damage in the present. You, however, won't take any step to stop the pain or the problems. It's all on me to keep any vestige of our being a team alive. So, it's as I said. You are making all the decisions for us now, and all I can do is have faith in you and support you. One of us has to shut up and get in line. And that's clearly me. so..."