It's rainy, a little chilly, a weekend night. I am sitting here in our living room listening to this guy, Larry. Larry, my height, is about ten years younger but twenty pounds lighter. Sounds educated. I learn he is about to fuck my wife.
He is droning on about girls in general. "It doesn't matter what age the girl is, eighteen or eighty. They all plan the same way when to let you have sex, unless the dates are rapists or druggers or such. I am here tonight because Jess knew you were going to ask for me. I told her I would cooperate."
"My wife Jessica invited you, so I let you in. It is quite a bad time."
(Jessica told me), "If it's Larry at the door, let him in."
Larry sits himself down on the couch and puts that bag down beside him.
Larry resumes, "As I was telling Jess..."
"It's not Jess: she hates 'Jess'. We all call her Jessica."
"No matter. As I was telling Jess... ah, 'her' the other day. She totally agrees. That's why I am here now. Women decide everything about what happens next in the sex department. As a teen, a girl decides which boy she will sit with in the cafeteria. She knows, but he doesn't, who will to touch her blouse, her bra, her nipple. Do you know who was first to stick his fingers in Jess's cunt? I do. And it wasn't in a car. She knew all along how far she would let him go."
I thought, "Does this guy want me to toss him out or kick his ass, or both?"
Larry persisted, "We guys think we got on base through our own handsomeness, charm, smooth moves, even a little alcohol or pot. Nope! Girls decide everything."
He slapped his hands on his knees and announced to the world, "Jess planned tonight."
Jessica's guest continued, "Our kids knew when we had sex or were going to have sex, even though they pretended they didn't know. They see all our moves."
Larry chimed in, "After thirty years of marriage, I wonder if you saw the moves Jess was making all day and the moves you made in response."
He droned on. "Jess told me that you two had fantasized about adding a third party, a well-hung guy. That would be me."
Just then, Jessica swooped down the stairs and into the room. Nice (new?) blouse, khaki shorts, cute shoes. Make-up freshly done. She came up to Larry and said, "Larry, your predictions are coming true."
"And I hope the predictions get to fruition, Jess?"
"Of course. Jack is such a sweet guy and he asked for it."
This interloper rose, kissed her hand, reached for the bag he brought. "Something for everyone."
Larry pulled out an unopened bottle of my favorite Irish whiskey and a small unwrapped plastic box.
"Here."
He handed me the bottle.
'Three shot glasses, mine neat; Jess's with a dash of cold club soda; yours with one ice cube. Oh, and the smallest pipe you have handy."
How the fuck did he know what I drank and what we smoked?
Larry handed Jess the box.
"I'll be right back."
When I returned with the drinks, he had his arm around Jessica, her hand in his, showing her how to shave a small sliver of hashish from the desk-eraser size piece from the box. He shaved several pieces and dropped them onto his handkerchief.
"Jessica, do you mind telling me what is going on."
"It's complicated."
"Ugh! That is what Facebook characters say when they have trouble telling what bad, nasty, stupid, unlucky event just occurred."
I handed Larry a pipe. "A small one, as ordered."
Larry dropped a sliver into the pipe, lit it, took a drag and held it. Then Jess took a toke. Larry refilled the pipe. Larry said, "Have some. You said you liked a few hits before romance. This hash is much milder than marijuana."
"Sweeter, too," she said as she passed the pipe over to me.
"Here is a man-size slice for you, Jack," Larry said as he dropped more into the pipe and handed it to me.
While Larry lit me up, Jessica continued. "Yes, complicated/lucky is what I am hoping for. Larry and I met at Costco. He helped me get the cases of Pellegrino and wine into my cart."
Larry butted in. "Jess and I chatted about a lot of things. I mentioned that the gourmet market down the street had some new imported wines that just arrived."
Best retort I had at the moment: "You are repeating yourself, Larry: 'new' imported wines that 'just arrived'".
"Jack. Play nice. We are smoking his stash."
Jessica continued. "We bumped into each other again in the Costco parking lot; Larry invited me to follow him to his next stop, the wine shop."
Larry jumped back into the conversation. "The stash is yours. Keep it and the whiskey. The wines I found that day were good. I got a case, gave Jess two bottles. Then we had coffee. Perfectly innocent."
"Innocent so far. How did you end up here, at my house, right now?"
"I discovered she was a people-watcher, just like me. At the café, Jess whispered about the couples shopping, the guys watching the girls and vice-versa. Who already got laid today and who would get lucky?"
One more round of puffs and sips, then Larry said, "That is when I floated the idea that women invariably choose their mates early on. We guys, we just string along."
Jessica said, "We exchanged email addresses, so that if we ran across any more bargains, we would tell each other."
The hash and the liquor were taking effect on all of us, I suppose. It certainly loosened Jessica up enough to continue. She giggled and said that she chatted with Larry on line.