In the thirty years my wife and I have been married I thought I had seen it all from my asshole in-laws. My father-in-law Henry Morris is one of those "smartest guy in room" types who knew, and still knows that I will never be good enough for his daughter. He also made sure my dad knew this from the first time they met. Yes after a year of dating and a six-month engagement my parents met up with her parents before the wedding. What is the first thing my soon to be father-in-law says to my dad?
"I don't like him; I don't want my daughter to marry him."
What does my dad think of that? My dad think's my father-in-law is the biggest asshole in Minnesota! Obviously, his daughter Paula is in love with me and is going to marry me regardless of what her dad thinks, so why say that? Stupid. Does my dad love Paula, oh yah! My mom and dad treat her like she is their daughter. So do my three siblings. We are not perfect, but family is sacred. My name is Scott, by the way, Scott Nelson.
Then there is my mother-in-law, Lisa Morris. When she found out I was divorced and had sole custody of my two children she lost her mind. There was no way that her daughter should marry a cast-off loser like me. She tried her best to persuade Paula I was a bad idea but after we were married she toned it down. She just became more subtle about hating me and to be honest she tried to treat my kids like her own biological grandkids. Lisa didn't really have a choice. My children, Scott Jr. and Emily were very young and called Paula mom. Paula loved them like her own. Lisa and Henry were assholes but they weren't total idiots.
My wife is the oldest and the next oldest was Susan. Susan the bitch. If I say its blue Susan says its green, she's that kind of bitch. The fact that I'm a farmer really gets her going. They all hate I was in the Army, but the farming is her biggest pet peeve about me. Plenty of inuendo about shit and dirt. Her husband's name is Mason, and he is a professor at Hennepin Technical College. He has a master's degree and not some dirt grubber. Does it matter that I have a master's degree? Nope, because agricultural degrees rank well below financial ones, if Susan even remembers I have a degree. This reminds me of one of the biggest assholes slights the bunch of them made, but first I have to mention "Starchild."
The next in line is Paula's brother Liam. Paula was supposed to be a Paul but that didn't work out. Then came Susan, still no heir for Henry. He talks a good feminist game my father-in-law but he's as sexist as they come in reality. Finally on the third try he gets a boy and he get's spoiled. I call him Starchild because he is the star of the family. All of Henry's missed ambitions are resting on Liam. Liam in turn thrived in the spoiled child environment he grew up in. Liam treats me like I don't exist.
Liam also married a total bitch ice queen named Courtney. Courtney comes from money and believed that Liam was somebody because he had a Ph.D.. She thinks she is gorgeous but at best she is mediocre looking. Courtney is the kind of person who has perfected the way of looking at you like you are gum on the bottom of her shoe.
Last in line is another disappointment for Henry, Becky. Becky is the only one who is not an asshole. She is married to a great guy named Drew. Becky and Drew are conflict avoiders. They never stick up for me, but they never put me down either. They just try to keep everyone happy.
And who am I? I'm Scott Nelson. Born and raised in on a farm near Rapidan Minnesota. I married my high school sweetheart when she got pregnant, it was a son that we called Scott Jr. I then joined the army to provide for my new family. It didn't take long for the marriage to start to unravel. I loved her but she didn't really love me. I know now she just wanted out of Rapidan. For some reason I thought a second child would fix everything, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was posted to fort Lewis in Washington and a year after Emily was born my wife took off to Seattle. That was just a stepping stone to Los Angeles. There was no looking back. Since that day she left the three of us have not seen or heard of her.
My mom came to help me look after the kids until my three-year enlistment was over.
So, what happened with the master's degree?
When I left the army I came back home to Rapidan Minnesota and bought the family farm on a work to own/cash deal. My family is from Rapidan and Blue Earth County. I wanted to be the best farmer ever after a few years working hard I signed up for a BSC in Agricultural Science at Mankato. This is where I met Paula. She was in the Nursing program. We met in line at admissions and three years later were married. I worked full time on the farm and did most of my courses online. The ones I couldn't do online I tried to do in the winter. It was hard work, but I achieved my Bachelors.
One of my professors loved my work on soil science and suggested I get a master's degree. Paula supported me and somehow we made it all work. I wrote my thesis on soil improvement and used my own and my neighbors farms as the test sites. I thought it was pretty brilliant, getting a degree at the same time as improving my soil. I was able to use all of the facilities' at U of M's Rochester campus. (U of M - University of Minnesota). Meanwhile Starchild was at U of M Twin Cities. He never had to work, Henry paid for everything, tuition, housing a vehicle, you name it. Starchild was getting a degree in Philosophy. This is what Paula's family respected, a thinking degree, no getting your hands dirty. Food all comes from the grocery store don't you know? That's what they know. So, once he had a BA he went on to get a master's degree (in the future he would earn a PhD). We happened to both graduate at the same time, so we were invited up to St. Paul for a big fancy celebration dinner.
At dinner all the talk was about the amazing thesis Starchild had written on "Absurdum versus Extentialism." You would think that he had solved the world's hunger problem and poverty all in one go. Then came Henry's big toast during supper to Liam and his degree. I looked at my wife. She looked at her dad. After this big, make sure everyone noticed pause, Henry added "and Scott." That was it, back to Starchild. You might be wondering at this point about Paula. Did she say anything? No she didn't. She also is a people pleaser and never wanted to rock the boat with her parents. Her parents used and abused her, but she didn't want to talk about it with me. More on this later.
Yet that was not the end of it. I was recruited shortly thereafter by a salesman from an international fertilizer company. He wanted me to do soil testing for other farmers in southern Minnesota so that he could sell more fertilizer. The position was flexible and paid well so I agreed. This really helped our financial situation, and I mistakenly thought my in-laws would be impressed. Henry was a banker and was always talking big about his salary and investments. Silly me thinking that a good salary digging in other people's dirt would stop them from being assholes. If anything, the snide comments, and insults increased! Courtney in particular was put out because Liam's published papers made him next to nothing getting published in obscure journals. This jealousy ate at her and made her just a bigger bitch. Sometimes I almost even felt sorry for Starchild because of her bitchiness. Only almost though.
I at this point had been married for five years to Paula. I knew the score. They all lived in the St. Paul or Minneapolis area, and we live out by Rapidan. We hardly saw them, just a few times a year. My wife was the best wife ever 95% of the time, 100% of the time we were away from any of them. However, the 5% of the time that one or all of them were around I was often not happy with Paula. She never outright disrespected me but at the same time she never showed them that she clearly was on my side. She tried to ride the fence so to speak. This was starting to irritate me, but my marriage was good otherwise. When they weren't around she did everything to show me she was mine forever, so I let the sleeping dog lie. Paula did do something shortly after this that showed me her true colors. and that made it much easier to put up with her family.
Paula wanted to run in a half marathon. Her and Susan signed up. By this point Susan had married Mason, and they had a son. We also had added two more children to our family, Malachi, and Caleb. I was looking after Susan's daughter and my two youngest with my oldest Scott Jr. watching the run. My daughter Emily was with Becky and Lisa. After the run was over the plan was to go back to the in-laws to have a celebratory meal. The five of us watched Paula cross the finish line and then the six of us went to my in-laws' house. It was only about 20 minutes from the finish line. Henry was already there, he couldn't be bothered to watch, Starchild was not running, such an asshole. Shortly after we arrived Becky, Susan and Lisa showed up, no Emily.
Susan had dropped behind Paula and arrived later at the finish line. The three idiots had encouraged Susan over the line and then come home, no one was paying attention to Emily. They had left Emily at the finish line! I left immediately and drove like a mad man back to the race. There was Emily talking to some nice event volunteers who were busy reporting a lost child. I was so relieved I cried, scooping her up in my arms. Then once everything settled down I drove back to my in-laws.
I told Emily to stay in our van and went inside. Susan made some snide remark about Emily being a chore to look after, insinuating it was her fault she was left behind. It took all of my self control not to tear off her arm and beat her to death with it! I grabbed my two youngest off the floor, handing one to Scott Jr. Paula entered the room and saw my face.
"Get your coat we are leaving."
I didn't wait for a reply or trust myself to say anything else. I'm sure there was smoke coming out of my ears. By the time I had buckled the young ones into their seats Paula was getting in the car. We never spoke for an hour, yet I knew everyone was hungry. It was Paula's big day; she had never completed a half marathon before. She had worked so hard and now this had spoiled the day. I knew my anger was at the assholes not my wife. She had not questioned anything she had just chosen me and got in the car. So, we stopped at a nice enough restaurant and tried to have our own celebration.
