The Goodbye

I received a request to tell the wife's side of what happened. Once again, I wrote a flash story without ever thinking it was going to continue. I have been encouraged to 'complete' it.

One more thing, I was a high school student in the late 60's and took a CREATIVE writing course. That is where I learned to not use proper English, sentence structure, fragments, incomplete ... you get my meaning. I found it freeing. Can I write in proper English sentences, with the appropriate use of clauses, semicolons,... YES I CAN AND I HAVE FOR PROFESSIONAL PAPERS. These stories are creative writing.

My characters do not think with semicolons. They think in incomplete sentences, fragments, ideas and thoughts. More like thought processes. Who thinks in proper sentences? It works. Sometimes. Maybe. Some readers may not like it and continually call for 'GET A PROOF READER'. But the crafting of the words is by design, not laziness. If this is very difficult for you, please save yourself grief. Don't read this. You don't need more anger in your life. I'm not going to change.

*****

The meal was finished and the coffee was being served. The four 'kids' were here, kids that were all in their late 20's. Three of them previously had a mixed drink and wine with dinner. Jeannie only had water. She was still breastfeeding. Three-month-old little Larry physically reacted poorly to anything out of the ordinary whenever his mother ate or drank something very different. The joys of new parenthood.

I only had coffee. I've been on the water wagon for 9 years now. My sister-in-law Mary was by my side. She had two vodka gimlets and was now switching to coffee. I was her driver, her DD for the night. I was always going to be the DD from now on.

This dinner has been 8 months in the planning, 6 months in the preparing, and 2 weeks in the asking. And I needed to start it. "I'd like to thank all four of you for coming here this evening. Ed and Jeannie, especially you two. I know that it's difficult to be away from your one-year-old Ed and your newborn son Jeannie. Sue and Chuck, thanks for leaving your spouses behind for the night. When we're finished, you all can talk and tell all your loved ones everything that went on. There will be no secrets. But for now, it has to be as when we were a family." The women looked at Mary as if to say 'why are you here', but said nothing in words.

I saw that there still was a bit of grumbling. Three of the four had complained about leaving their spouse behind or just showing up at all. It took me two weeks to convince them all that this is what their father Larry wanted. On that alone and only out of respect for him they came. And they came alone. I broke them all down and they agreed, reluctantly, but they all finally agreed to come.

It's been 6 months since Larry died. The blowup over his wife Catherine's unfaithfulness and her abandoning Larry as he was dying was still a raw nerve. Larry burned Catherine badly, financially and morally and very visibly. Her unfaithfulness and Larry's rejection of her at his death was broadcasted to all that came to the wake. The kids knew of the abandonment while it was happening. They knew nothing of the unfaithfulness until after their father died. That destroyed their relationship with their mother.

I visited with Larry for a few days twice in his last couple of months. I flew in from my trailer in Florida both times. I did not retire wealthy and I still have two part-time jobs in my retirement to make ends meet. To help with the finances, I explained to Terry's sister Mary that I was going to be with my dying brother. She was supportive and let me stay in one of her spare bedrooms. I listened to Larry when Catherine started to distance herself.

Before my last visit with Larry, I found out what Catherine was doing. Mary once again agreed, and offered more help. Larry showed me the credit card line charges for Lovers Lane and the hotels. I knew my brother, I knew what was going to happen.

On that second visit he was inconsolable at first. After a day or two we were able to discuss it. That's when I started talking about what I went through when my wife Terry died 10 years ago.

I too distanced myself from emotionally then. What few knew was that I also found a lover to be with. After she died I found out that my wife Terry knew. All of this I brought to Larry, my kid brother. I put myself on the line, I also put myself in his shoes too.

We made a deal. He was going to burn Catherine, burn her damn good. That was the kind of person Larry was. However, if certain things changed, then Larry agreed that I could try to give something to his family. This evening was that gift to them.

I knew, gifts could be refused.

"I'm going to start out saying that Larry and Catherine are your parents. I don't care that they may not have been your birth parent. For the past 20 or so years, you've all been a family. So what..."

That's when Chuck broke in. "Forget that shit about Catherine being..." and the other three shushed him. He folded his arm across his chest defiantly, but he remained quiet. I continued. "I know that this is going to be rough for you Chuck. It'll be rough for all of us. Please be patient with me." Chuck nodded yes, but continued with a scowl that showed he barely tolerated me. The attitude of the others wasn't much different.

"As you may remember, about 10 years ago I lost my wife, your Aunt Terry. It was a pretty bad time for me. This is why my sister-in-law Mary is here, sitting next to me. Mary and I have a couple of things to say. As Terry's sister, she was with her till the end."

I took a deep breath and started. "Let me be very clear. I emotionally distanced to near abandoning your Aunt in the couple of months before she died. My behavior was as bad as your mothers, if not worse. There was no excuse for it. None whatsoever. Mary, can you start by telling them what it was like on Terry's side?"

Mary sat up straight and took a sip of decaf. Then she looked at each of the 4 at the table and started slowly, quietly. "My sister was dying. Her cancer was a 2-year fight. Several times there was a finding of 'No Evidence of Disease'. The first time we celebrated. Your Uncle Jack even took us downtown for a real fancy dinner. Things looked great, we all dodged a bullet. Then 3 months later, it came back. We stopped celebrating any 'No Evidence's' anymore, especially when the second one happened 3 months later. There'd be a couple more interventions and more 'No Evidence's'. Then a couple of months later..." Mary reached for the tissue and started wiping her eyes.

The four at the table waited patiently. I could see that they were moved by what she said. They were in their late teens when it happened. I remember that we tried to include them in on what was happening, but by the end, the speed, severity and the deterioration was more that I could handle. Everybody was drained.

"Your Uncle and Aunt didn't have any children. Not that they didn't want any, but she couldn't. Medically unsound was what each of the three different doctors said. I remember her telling me that you four were her favorite nieces and nephews. You four were the kids she was able to dote on. Remember?"

The earlier hostility and pain had dissipated and some warm smiles started appearing on their faces. Their body language also said that they were transported back to wonderful family gatherings. I knew this was going to be broken in seconds.

"Your Uncle Jack felt the same way. He still feels that way." She paused and her face quickly became hard as she struggled to say what happened next. The wonderful memories were gone from her face, she shifted away from me slightly. I don't think that she knew she did that.

Then I broke in, "Tell them. Tell them the hell I put their Aunt Terry through. Tell them the asshole I was." My voice started getting louder and more terse. "Tell them the asshole I was to Terry." Now I was short of yelling, "Tell them what I did to Terry as she was DYING."

Mary took her hand and put it on mine and held it lightly, looking at me and telling me with her eyes that it was OK. I glanced at the kids, they were upset and worried. The warm feeling of moments ago gone, gone from me too. Warm feelings replaced by the pain of what I had done.

Mary looked back at the four after I calmed down a bit and continued. "The reason that your Uncle is upset was that not only did he emotionally distance himself from my sister Terry, he took up with a woman in an affair during your Aunt's last couple of months. He also drank himself into a stupor for the final months of Terry's life. Then next year he stayed drunk on his own."

She paused to see what they were feeling. There was confusion in their faces. Anger, pain, confusion, and disgust too. It was the confusion that predominated. "That's when he lost his job, home and everything else he worked hard for. He couldn't handle the slow death of Terry. He tells everybody that he was weak, that he ..."

Jeannie mumbled, "So that's why you haven't had a drink all evening."

I looked over at Jeannie, "I haven't had a drink in 9 years since I hit bottom. And won't for the rest of my life. You see, after a year and a half of watching your Aunt, my wife and life partner, yo-yo between health then hope then re-occurrence... The remissions kept getting shorter, her medical issues kept increasing in severity... I lost it. I wanted her pain to end. I needed my pain to end. That's when I started drinking. At first it was when your Aunt was asleep, or in the hospital and I was home, home alone. Then it'd be a bar on my way home. That's when I met Alicia.

"I won't get into the gory details. I wasn't seduced, she wasn't a witch or a gold digger. She listened to me, bought me drinks, befriended me. I kept going back to that bar after seeing your Aunt at the hospital. Except for the drinking, it was all on the up and up.

"One day after a re-occurrence and real bad news medically, your Aunt just lost it and ...you remember how she had a temper?" I saw 5 heads nod yes. Terry was famous for her temper. "With all I was doing for her, she laid into me with both barrels. And all I could do was run. Yes, she tried to repair what she did to me. She tried to pretend that it didn't happen and whatever, but there was never an apology. But that night, I got plastered at the bar and Alicia drove me home. More drinks and one thing led to another.

"I was wrong, I was weak, I was trying to find something that would save my sanity. I was..." That's when Mary broke in. "Jack, let me talk now. You can talk more later. Let me tell them about Terry. OK?" I nodded yes and slumped back into my seat.

"Let's be honest now. Terry was always a handful. She bullied her way through everything in life. The cancer was the one thing that she couldn't do. Total lack of control, and for a control freak that she was, it was as bad as dying.

"I was with her during this time and she even spoke to me about what she did to Jack. Even what she continued to do to Jack. She spoke in her own guarded, vague terms, but I could read between the lines, I've known my sister my entire life.

"She was dealing with her own dwindling chances, her pain and her loss. She was also mourning what she'd been doing to Jack. She wasn't able to support him, she had been sucking all the support she could from him. She knew it and felt she was powerless to stop it.

"She also knew he was spent. He had little to give back to her. Her additional tirades took the last bit out of him. She couldn't give back anything good. She didn't have that in her. That much I can vouch for.

"Let me say this. I was pissed as hell from what your Uncle Jack was doing to her at the time. I'd come home after seeing your Aunt and rant and rave and ..." Mary stopped and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath.

Then I said "Mary is correct, we were all drained. I think that I still am and it's been 10 years."

Mary started talking again, "Just like your father, she spotted something in a charge line that told her that something was wrong. Besides the charges for more liquor and bars, there was a charge for a hotel on a week she was at home.

"In those last months, she was starting to be very weak then and couldn't fight for even 'normal' living. She and I talked about it and she made a decision. A different decision than the one your father made.

"She let him be. She knew that neither of them were trying to hurt one another. Neither of them could handle the stress of dying or seeing your love one dying anymore. She wasn't happy about it. I know now that Jack was not happy about it either. I could have killed him then. I understand it now."

I read the faces of my nieces and nephews. It was a range of confusion and anger and sorrow and whatever other emotion could come out of this history. After waiting a few more minutes, I began again. "I was wrong, OK? Very wrong. I tried to keep it together, but I couldn't, I didn't. In the groups I went to when I was becoming straight and sober and grieving the loss of a love" I paused and took a sip of water, "We talked about what it is to lose a spouse or lose a child ...all difficult.

"It was at the wake I overhead that your Aunt Terry knew about Alicia. I didn't know that she didn't totally disapprove, but I thought she would have hated me for it. I hated me for it.

"After the wake, I went on a drinking bender for the next year. I couldn't face what I did, I couldn't face who I lost and how I damaged her at the end. I couldn't face anybody, mostly myself for being weak. Mary here, my sister-in-law became my savior. She dragged me into treatments, into AA, into therapy. She saved my life.

"That's why I called and bullied you four to come here today. You needed to hear my story." I looked at their eyes. I knew that I only started touching them. Now the hard part was going to be next.

"Your father and I made a deal. After I told him all and more of what you just heard, we made a deal. He wanted to burn your mother for her affair and leaving him alone at the end. But if after he made her pay, and she started changing in certain ways, he wanted me to give a gift to all of you. Including your mother.

I got their attention. Mary sat back in her seat and waited. She knew what was going to be said, she knew what she was going to have to say.

"Look, Larry was my brother. He wasn't a saint." At that Sue looked like she was going to start to protest, then retreated back into her thoughts. "I know what you're thinking Sue. There was a whole lot of good of your Father. Let's start when he met your mother.

"She was a young widowed wife with two very young kids. You all were young, but do you remember anything?" I got nods from Sue and Ed, her birth kids. "Your mother never really told you much about your birth father, did she?" At this Sue said, "No she hasn't. Just that he died in a car wreck and they didn't have much insurance. Then she met Dad, your brother Larry, and they wed."

"This is the kind of person your mother is. She never told you that your birth father was a mean drunk. That he beat her when he'd come home drunk. The car wreck was when he was plastered as he once again drank away his paycheck. She was terrified of him and couldn't figure out how to leave. His death was gift to her. By the way, I knew him. So did your father. I'm leaving out most of the real bad stuff now, but you get the picture." Their faces showed their shock. Catherine always tried to protect the kids from things outside of their control. It would have served no purpose to hear this. Now it serves a purpose.

"Your mother was emotionally damaged from the abuse. I warned Larry not to get involved with her." Then I looked at Jeannie and Chuck, Larry's birth children. "He had just lost your mother. Janice had a freak brain aneurysm. In some ways Larry and Catherine were made for each other. Neither of them were saints.

"Your mother was pretty needy for quite a while and your father put up with it for a long time. After a couple of years the blended family became one family and things got easier." I placed my hands, palms down squarely on the table and held them there. "You all remember how your father would act? Stay on his good side and don't cross him?" At this some painful expressions appeared on all their faces. Mary nodded in agreement.

"That's what I reminded your father about. Don't cross him." Then I was quiet, looking at their faces. "Does anybody disagree with what I said?" I got no answer.

"Yes he was hurt. Yes he was wonderful. Yes he was vindictive. Yes he was hard to get to sometimes. He was god damn human. With all the positive and negative parts of being a human being, strength, weakness, honor, anger...everything."

Ed spoke up, "So what's the gift you talked about?"

"I've been in contact with your mother." I received the stares of 4 conflicted children.

"As part of my penance in life, penance in life till my last breath, I have to help.

"As Mary said here earlier, you are my favorites. Have been, always will be. Always will be even if you do rotten things. Mary saved me when I was stupid and nasty and ugly... I have to pass on that kindness. Pass it on because I didn't deserve any kindness.

"Your mother doesn't deserve kindness either. I'm tired of the pain that you all have endured. Tired of the pain that your father endured, and caused over his life. Same with your mother." All four of them shifted uncomfortably.

"The deal I made with your father was to allow him to punish your mother. He did that, did that in spades. Financially, she was about to lose the house and everything else. His friends followed his wishes. So am I.

"I started talking with her immediately. We spent weeks on the phone these past several months. Most of it was about what she had done and how she needed to begin to cope. There was no recovery for her, but she stopped declining further."

Mary spoke up. "I also started spending a lot of time with her. After all, I've seen this on both sides. I was able to get her into counseling. I think that that and our contact saved her life." There was a shocked look on their four faces. I don't think that they even considered that kind of ending. You can be angry and stay angry, but to have a suicide?

After a nod to Mary, I continued. "I started helping her with the financial side. As you know, your father mortgaged the house twice and stopped paying the mortgages. He also emptied his Roths and gave all of those funds to you. What you don't know was that the mortgage monies were physically hidden in the house. That money has since been returned to the banks and your mother is no longer in foreclosure.

"If I hadn't done this, she'd been out on the street. We've worked on the rest of the finances too.

"Your mother was drowning from guilt and pain and ... I've been there, I've done it. It was wrong what we did, but until you drained, drained from a difficult partner, declining health with repeated near death experiences..." I wiped the tears from my eyes. I could see that Mary dabbing her eyes too. "When you are empty and want the pain to stop..." I held my face in my hands and sobbed. I felt Mary's hand on my shoulder. It took me a few minutes to recover before I looked up.

"It's a crime to be weak, to be human. That's why I cut that deal with your father. Your father was a mean cuss at times. This is nothing new to all of you. He's was that way most of his life. He wanted to punish your mother. He did. But he didn't want to kill her.

At this I paused and looked directly at all of them. "He wanted you to forgive her."

The pained and conflicted expressions returned to their faces. They looked at one another, trying to see what the other may have been thinking.