The Forgiveness of Love

Copyright 2011 by madengineer3

This is based upon the true story of a friend of mine. Most of the major details are true. Enough has been changed to protect the identity of the people involved.

*

You could have called me a typical middle class man with some real emotional issues. My name is John, and I was working in a medium sized city as a "white collar" worker.

At that time, I believed in a god, but had no spiritual insight and no trust in "Divine Providence". This led me to a very dangerous place. But, more about that later.

I suppose I should supply a few details. I was brought up in a home where I only remember seeing my parents kiss one or two times in my entire life. Emotions, except for anger, were not expected to be shown. As a partial result of this, it was almost impossible to recognize what was going on with my parents. You never knew if they were indifferent, happy, sad, or angry. I wasn't the smartest kid in school, but I wasn't the dumbest either. I loved history, science, and science fiction. My father and mother were both extremely bright. My dad, as it is with my brothers and me, was eligible to be a member of Mensa, but he wasn't at all interested. He was creative, physically impressive, and very well read. However, I was so unsure of myself, and so fearful of what the future would bring that I needed almost constant reassurance that everything was all right.

My problem started shortly after my wife, Mary, and I had been married a couple of years. When I was at work I always worried that something would happen to her. She was my one really bright light in life. I would almost panic when I couldn't reach her during the day. I couldn't see the wedge I was driving between us. She felt controlled, untrusted, and unappreciated.

I was determined to do, or allow, whatever it would take to keep from losing her! But, when you don't understand even your own emotions that is very difficult to do. She had both male and female friends and I stayed out of the way regarding friendships. After all, we lived over a hundreds of miles from our respective families. I didn't show any resentment when she eyed other guys, like her favorite actor on her favorite t.v. show. After all, if I could eye other women, she should be able to also "window shop".

I worked for a company that made electronic controls for the government. I started out as a pretty lousy engineer, but I eventually become a relatively good one. Since I was salaried, I could make outside calls anytime I wanted. Because I couldn't even admit my fears to myself at that time, this led me to constantly call my wife to make sure she was O.K. To her, this was seen as a lack of trust. However, I was so blind when it came to some feelings that I couldn't see the damage I was doing to our marriage.

At that time my wife was giving me both Playboy and Penthouse subscriptions as Christmas presents. I really enjoyed them.

Our spiritual life was almost non-existent. Oh, we often attended a local church, but I had little or no true faith.

My employer was about to deliver the first of our new control systems to a High Tech California firm. One of the contractual requirements was that my company would supply an engineer to "baby sit" the new control system for several months. As the low man on the totem pole I was selected to go. All I could think about was the fabled Southern California Girls and the permissiveness of the late sixties and early seventies. Oh yeah, and being all alone without supervision for several months. I was eager to go, for all the wrong reasons.

Because of the intense development pressure, our engineering group had been working two week rotating shifts for the machine debug and checkout. It was a grind and, unknown to me, had further driven a wedge between my wife and me.

One of the things that I did not realize at that time was that I was suffering from long term depression. I simply told myself that the feelings I had must be normal. As the time approached for me to drive out to the West coast I was becoming more and more depressed. Again, I didn't recognize that fact. After all, a goldfish doesn't realize that it is surrounded by water. Water is its normal environment so it isn't even recognized. The same is true with depression. If you start depression when you are in your early teens, which is when much of it starts, you don't always realize that something is wrong. I had toyed with the idea of suicide several times in high school and college, but had failed the only serious attempt to do it. It, fortunately, just looked like I was sick for a few days.

When I left home to drive to the West coast there were two things going on. One, I was going to have several days alone, with nobody to distract my mind and my wife was going to find a freedom that she hadn't enjoyed for a couple of years.

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I'll come back to my trip out West later in the story. We'll now switch to my wife's story. She had been raised in a mid-Western farming area. Her dad sold and serviced agricultural machines. She had excelled, academically, in high school and in college. We dated for well over a year before getting married. By the time I was ready to leave for the West coast we had a daughter. She was well under four years old. We had a few friends in our neighborhood. Robert was one of them. Robert had a wife that was sort of a blend of Machiavelli, a blimp, and Lady Macbeth. She had to be the better part of three hundred fifty pounds, and she was, to borrow an old phrase "hell on wheels". She wore the pants in their family. I had asked Robert to keep an eye on our house and my wife while I was gone. Little did I know how much of an eye he would keep on her.

Now, Robert wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he was extremely physically fit and a basically good guy. He worked the night shift for a large company. That meant that he was relatively free during the day and the evening. My wife must have felt lonely, so Robert spent a lot of time keeping her company. I don't know how the intimacy started, but start it did. Before long, their talking over coffee turned into "making out". Then the "making out" had changed to full fledged sexual pleasure. After all, there was no chance that I would walk in on them.

About mid way through my assignment I was given a trip back home so that progress reports could be made to my firm. When I walked into the house just before noon, I knew something was wrong. My wife looked frightened, and her eyes were red from crying. She wouldn't tell me what had happened. About a half hour after arriving home, Robert's wife and another neighbor, the local gossip generator, arrived at the house. That's when the proverbial excrement impinged on the impeller, i.e. the shit hit the fan.

Robert's wife, Amanda, started the conversation.

"John, have you got any idea what has been going on in your house while you've been gone?"

"Well, I assume my wife's been taking care of the house and our daughter, why do you ask and why should you be interested?"

"Well, I'm interested because we walked in on my husband making love to your wife! That makes it my business."

I turned to Mary; "Is this true?"

She didn't say a word. She just nodded her head yes. I was speechless.

Amanda continued; "So, she's been cheating on you. We have more than enough evidence to make divorce an easy out for you. What are you going to do about this affair?

I was in shock. I felt as if a rug had been pulled out from under me. What was I going to do?

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I now need to switch back to what happened on my trip out to the West coast. Our company insisted that I not drive more than four hundred miles a day. There was some strange language in the company's liability policy that forbade people from exceeding a solid eight hours of driving or four hundred miles, whichever came first. The further I got from home, the more depressed I became. I reached the point of feeling like there was no purpose to life. Life, itself, seemed to be a rat race that had no true meaning and no lasting pleasure. On the fifth day, as I was driving into the city, that was my destination, I had emotionally reached very close to the absolute bottom. I couldn't go much lower. I went to the motel at which I had reservations. I picked up a paper and started to look for an apartment for rent.

The following morning I picked up a good city map and phoned the most likely looking ad for an apartment. The price seemed about right and the apartment wasn't too bad. I paid the first month's rent, and a damage deposit, and moved my stuff in. There was no air conditioning in the building. Back at home air conditioning wasn't a real necessity. Here, however, the heat in the afternoon was stifling. Between the loneliness, the heat, and my depression I had reached the tentative conclusion that the best solution would be to end it all. The plan forming in my mind was to drive my car into a bridge abutment so that my company insurance would pay double indemnity to my wife and child. I was truly that low!

Then, it happened! I suddenly had this tiny little voice in the back of my mind that asked me a question I had never truly taken seriously before. "What if there really is a God. Why don't you ask Him to let you know for sure?"

Before going to sleep that night I prayed the first truly real prayer I had ever prayed.

"Lord, I don't know if you are real or not. I can't live with how I am feeling right now. I don't care what it will take, but let me know if you are real, please."

Nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering, just a simple question and a desperation of spirit.

The next morning, a Saturday, I woke up feeling as if I were walking about six inches off the pavement. My problems hadn't gone away, but I had a peace unlike anything I had ever felt before. I had no idea that feelings this good existed! This was even better than sex! I had no idea what to do, but wanting some voices around me I turned on the radio. When it came on there was a West Texas accented voice talking about how to get peace in your life. I suddenly was very interested. The preacher's name was J. Vernon McGee. As I listened he sounded like he was talking directly to me.

He talked about how I had been feeling and what was available to me. Most important, he told me, that my problem was not loneliness it was sin. Sin, he said, was something that not only separated me from God, it also effectively separated me from other people as well.

Then, he told me about the forgiveness that had already been bought for me by the death and resurrection of Jesus, who had now become my Lord. I knew very little about this, but did as the preacher suggested. I have had an unbelievable peace from that day, until today (fifty years later). Anyway, after a bit of studying I found out that all of us are sinners, it's just that some of us are forgiven sinners. None of us has any basis for judging anyone else. After all, none of us mere humans can see the heart and mind of the person who had done wrong, or right.

Needless to say, I never went looking for those supposedly plentiful sexy young women.

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It was several weeks after these events that I found myself sitting on the couch, next to my wife, hearing the damning evidence being provided by Amanda. Needless to say, what I had learned in the last few weeks made a major difference in how I reacted; praise God.

Amanda had a somewhat evil grin on her face. She was sure that I would get mad and either hit Mary or announce that a divorce was going to happen, and that it would happen soon.

My wife just looked at the floor. I heard that quiet little voice in the back of my head again. "You are forgiven. You must forgive anyone who has wronged you."

I turned to Amanda. "I've known that Mary enjoyed talking with Robert. I had asked Robert to keep an eye on this house and on Mary to make sure no harm came to her. I had no idea that they were having sex. ...... But, I love my wife and we will work this out. This is an unfortunate situation, but we will get through it. Now, please leave so that we can start to discuss what we will do."

Amanda and the other neighbor looked like I had slapped each of them across the face. They were shocked! It had never dawned on them that I might not divorce Mary. That fact, in itself, I now found to be insulting.

They left! I'm not sure if I have ever spoken to either of them since then.

Back to the subject at hand.

"Mary, we need to talk. But, please wait while I take care of something."

I phoned our reliable baby sitter and told her that we needed her to watch our daughter. She was to start in about half an hour from that moment and sit until the next morning. I then called a luxury hotel that wasn't far from home, and reserved one of their best rooms. This room had a whirlpool bathtub and a small gas fireplace with fake logs. It was expensive, but would be worth it.

Mary looked at me like you would expect a whipped dog to look. I was surprised at my reaction. I was sad for her! There was no anger in my heart. There was some hurt, but no anger.

"Hold on, Mary, when the baby sitter gets here we're going to go someplace quiet to talk and reconnect."

While waiting for the baby-sitter I loaded some overnight necessities into a small suitcase. The baby sitter arrived. Mary, the suitcase, and I went out to the car. I drove to the hotel and signed us in at about one o'clock. Then I led Mary to the room.

"Mary, we need to relax first. Please get undressed while I fill the whirlpool tub."

Within ten minutes we were sitting side by side in a wonderfully warm tub. I had added some aromatic spiced bath oil to the water.

"Mary, first, let me tell you that you are forgiven. We will never again talk about the events that led to Amanda showing up today. I neither know, nor will I ask you the details. Second, I now realize that it is probably my fault that drove you to this. For that I apologize, and hope you can forgive me. Third, let me assure you that I love you very much. There is nothing you can do to drive me away from you, except if you tell me you don't want me. Finally let me tell you about the true reality of God and what He has been doing in my life. It's available to you as well."

"You see, I've found out that we can't earn God's forgiveness. Our motives are always alloyed with self interest. God has paid the price for our sin, and now we are free to voluntarily follow Him."

Well, we talked and then cried together, continued to talk and continued to hold each other close. Even though I didn't ask her, I had found out that the sexual intercourse had occurred about two weeks before. Mary also told me that she had a blood test for STDs, just in case. Mary was clean. She was not only clean because the blood tests told her so, she was clean because she accepted that the Lord had paid for her sins, past, present, and future.

We dried off, I quickly shaved not wanting to give her whisker burn, and I lit the gas fireplace.

We cuddled together on the bed while watching the dancing flames. I suddenly knew that I needed to show her that my beliefs matched my words. I was also getting horny as all get out. I turned Mary over on her back and started to kiss her while I gently played with her breasts. As I continued I moved down her body kissing her as I went. I finally reached my goal. I started out by licking her outer lips. I could tell she liked what she felt because her hips were working so that my tongue was driven more forcefully into her pussy's lips. So far, I avoided her clit.

After what must have been ten minutes I moved to fingering her vagina and sucking on her clit. She was very vocal! I was hoping that her noises of joy wouldn't bring the police to our door.

After several climaxes, I rolled over on my back and told her to climb on my pole. I knew that this was her favorite position.

We spent the next, I don't know how long, pleasuring each other until we were too tired to continue. We lay in each other's arms and slept until about seven that evening.

I awoke first and spent many minutes looking at Mary's face. I could still remember how much I loved her and how beautiful she was before we married and how beautiful she is now. She stirred and opened her eyes and observed me watching her.

"Hello there wife. Did you rest well?"

"Yes John, this is the first time in about two weeks that I have been able to really sleep. You have no idea how much your forgiveness means to me. I was terrified of a divorce."

"There's no reason to fear. Are you up to getting a good supper?"

"Yeah, I could eat a horse."

"Let's get dressed and find a table in the hotel's restaurant."

We had a leisurely meal and then headed back to our room.

The return to the room led to another whirlpool bath and more making out and sex in so many positions that I can't even recall some of them. I probably only had a couple of climaxes, but I made sure that Mary had as many as possible.

Anyway, that was over fifty years ago, now. Our love for each other, and for the Lord, has grown each year. It is seldom, that either of us remembers the time we could have thrown away a very good marriage for a simple error in judgment. We thank God for His forgiveness and for the forgiveness we each have given to the other. I hope we have another good forty years ahead of us.