The first 24 years of my first marriage I would have to describe as near perfect. Yeah, I know, almost every man cheated on thinks that and that they were perfect husbands. So did I. I was blind and unaware of my own flaws.
The end started a year ago last Summer. My wife was withdrawing from me. Our conversations were shorter, she became annoyed when I flirted with her, and she would respond with a chill when I would pat her butt when we were alone in the house. And there was much less intimacy. Finally, we had settled into mere coexistence for the last few months of our marriage.
My name is Mark. For most of this I was 50. So was my wife, Lisa. I am a lawyer, I used to be a litigator, but I recently moved over to Estate Planning. Lisa is a 4
th
grade schoolteacher. We are both fairly fit. This is the story of the end of my first marriage and the start of my second.
We met and fell in love in college. We married while I was in law school, and she took on the job of supporting me through school. For almost all of our marriage, our love never dimmed. Until this fateful year.
At the end of this summer our youngest daughter, Linda, left for state university. Our other child, Larry, was already at State, so Linda's departure made us empty nesters.
Lisa became depressed at becoming an empty nester. She was a great mom. She put most of her energy into being a great mom. But with the kids having flown the nest she had no place for that energy could go. She moped about and her reaction to anything I suggested was to bicker. I tried to direct her energy toward activities we could do together, but she had no interest.
Only her return to teaching at the end of summer vacation lifted her sadness. But it did not improve our relationship. By December our relationship had declined to near zero, and efforts by me to do anything about it only annoyed her. To her, everything was my fault.
She did tell me of a new teacher who had moved into the classroom next to hers. Lisa's description talking with this colleague were the only thing animated our conversations. By December this colleague was the only topic of our rare conversations. Any topic I would suggest resulted in only bored responses from Lisa. Jeremy was such a clever and funny guy. Eventually, there was little talking at all. All we really had together was quietly watching TV.
December saw a dramatic change. She started coming home later, an hour or more later. Instead of grading papers and working on lesson plans at school after the students were dismissed, she was now doing it at night in the den instead of watching TV with me. We were rarely in the same room together. She even took her meals into the den to eat. She watched TV there when she finished schoolwork. It was like I was living with a ghost.
Christmas vacation with the kids home from college had Lisa happy and talkative with the kids, but she still ignored me. Even an expensive gift of jewelry elicited no positive response. The kids noticed and asked about it. I told them I was worried about it, but I couldn't figure it out. Lisa told them it was nothing, it was just the way old couples are.
A week after Christmas, after the kids returned to college, I tried to confront Lisa. I walked into the den said we needed to talk. She just sighed and shot back a sharp "What now?"
"Do you still love me?" I asked.
"You are so fucking needy! What the hell do you think?" I was stunned. She had never used obscenities before. She then turned away and continued to grade papers. I stood there looking at her for a full minute, then said with a sigh, "I don't think you do. You are not a wife and you're not even a very good roommate. I still love you, but unless things change, that won't be enough." She just kept grading papers as if I wasn't there. I walked out of the room with what I knew was my answer.
Then one evening, a few weeks later, Lisa came home much later than ever before. It was after 10. She had never been this late from work before. I was genuinely worried, but when I called her cell phone, it went to voicemail. When I finally heard her car pull into the driveway, I went to the door to meet her, but she rushed past me with a quick "got to go to the bathroom." Her hair was messed up, her clothes wrinkled and carelessly put together. Her lipstick, makeup and mascara badly smudged. "Are you okay?" I called after her.
"Yeah, fine" she called out without bothering to stop or look my way.
I followed her up the stairs, but she rushed to our bathroom and locked the door behind her.
I could no longer even pretend that she wasn't having an affair.
I went out and sat on our front porch, staring into the darkness and pondering what to do. Was there anything in this marriage that I wanted to salvage. Even if she came crawling to me on her knees, could I stay with this woman who so callously threw away our lives together and inflicted so much pain on me.
After a half an hour I got up and went upstairs to our bedroom.
She was already in her frumpy night gown and on her phone tapping away. She didn't even look up. I walked into the bathroom and took my shower.
On returning to the bedroom I found her feigning sleep. Her still lit cell phone was proof she had just put it down. I gave her a push and said in a harsh tone. "Get up! It is time to talk."
She turned and looked at me. "We're finished. Tonight, you revealed that you have absolutely no respect for me or the 25 years of our marriage. Tonight, you went far beyond the daily humiliation you have had me endure these sad months. Tonight, you waltzed in her like a well fucked, two-bit whore who has been ridden hard and put up wet. You didn't even try to hide it. I have been hanging around vainly hoping that the woman I had loved for 25 years, the women who so tenderly raised my two dear children would return. Clearly, that woman is dead. Murdered, I suspect, but whatever you are."
I could see in her eyes a growing terror at this utterly unfamiliar tone I was using. "Don't worry, sweetie, I'll be gone soon. I just want you to know it will probably take only a couple of weeks to move my stuff out and be gone. I'm done."
"You will get half of everything and you your lover can live happily ever after. Just keep him out of this house until I leave. I walked out of the room and moved into our guest room.
The next morning, I was up early and waited for her. When she finally got up, she came downstairs, glanced at me at the kitchen table, then quickly scurried into the den.
I then pulled out my laptop up onto the kitchen table and began to rebuild my life.
Lisa's Journal, March 12