The Empty Chair

Beth, are you having an affair with Alex Pressman?

I could see her recoil as I mentioned his name. Doubt, concern and fear spread across her face but no denial.

Shit, I shouted. Her face and actions had given her away.

I wanted to scream at her only, only I had no voice. I wanted to hurt her, only I knew I could never intentionally hurt her. Anger surged through me and before I could respond, I realized I had slammed my glass down on the table - hard.

The sound of breaking glass shattered the moment between us and damaged my hand quite badly. The pain of my new wound surged through me dulling my broken heart. Acting on instinct, I rushed into the kitchen. Blood was everywhere. The cut was deep, and I knew I needed to halt the bleeding. Focusing on my hand I never saw my dutiful wife until she was beside me with the medical kit. The next couple of minutes were surreal as we worked together trying to slow the bleeding

This will help until we can get you to hospital. Her caring sweet voice betrayed the concern she was feeling. Love, warmth, comfort trying to cover up the ultimate betrayal. Looking at me, she clasped my good hand and tried to move it to her heart. Her eyes pleadingly gazing into mine.

The magic spell between us was broken as reality of what she had done surged through me. I felt my body recoil as her hand held mine. Her touch scared me. In that second, I realised what she had thrown away. Our future, our family...

I wanted to hurt her, I seriously wanted to hurt her.

Instinct, survival, autopilot I can't explain it, only I knew I had to get away from her. If she touched me again, if she tried to hold me again I couldn't answer for my actions. Before she could move, I was up and out of the door. I heard my name being called in desperation, but I was too fast as I left the house.

The bar I chose to obliterate myself in played old 80's songs on the juke box. I was on the third hour of solid drinking when Rob found me. Without saying a word, he simply pulled up a chair. Best friends, I could see him reading my mind. I knew he wanted to talk to me, however he quickly took in my drunken state and knew better. He simply ignored my requests to be left alone. He calmed down the barman, who was threatening to throw the sorry drunken excuse that I had become out. He ensured that I didn't make a fool of myself when an attractive woman was sat alone at the bar and he made sure that when I mercifully couldn't consume another drop that I got back to my apartment safely.

Rob tried in vain to persuade me to go home, only I had already arranged to stay in one of our work flats. My boss had experienced something similar himself and promised to help me. The flat, time off work and a good lawyer.

As I was poured into bed, Rob mentioned something about tomorrow. Being drunk had blunted the pain, but even in my sorry state I knew that my hand needed looking at. As if I might forget, he was going to leave a large note for me in the kitchen. Ten O'clock sharp I was being picked up and taken to the hospital.

Tomorrow, as he said when he left, would take care of itself.

Answers:

The first day of my new life didn't start of too well. My head was firmly lodged in a toilet as last night's endeavors decided to aggressively reappear. Hungover, heartbroken and alone. I knew at some point that I had cried myself to sleep. I was a broken man.

The doorbell brought me out of my reverie. I knew I couldn't hide forever; there was a world and more importantly my girls out there. Opening the door, I came face to face with my tormentor. She wore a simple blue dress with her hair tied back, it looked good on her. She looked tired but determined as she entered the apartment. Without giving me an option to speak or an attempt to throw her out, I'm here to take you to the hospital and then, we are going to have a talk!

There was a firmness, an edge to her that I have never noticed before. I wanted to explode and refuse her, but deep down I knew I couldn't run away from my problems indefinitely. Plus she was right! My hand hurt like hell and at some point, we would have to have the talk.

At the hospital, I was subject to the standard 'men are idiots' speech. The nurse took great pleasure in berating me for the delay in not coming to the hospital for nearly twenty-four hours. The fact I was probably still a little drunk didn't help my cause either. If I waited any longer I could have seriously damaged my hand. Blah, Blah, Blah. My wife and the female charge nurse together in unison. I was beginning to feel like a boxer, getting back up only to be knocked back down again. The pain medication they had given me was starting to wear off and my headache was returning, I had been subject to a verbal ear bashing by the nurse and now if I hadn't suffered enough, I was about to have my heart ripped apart again by discussing my wife's infidelity. I was seriously unsure how much more punishment a simple man like me could take. But, for all those with a positive outlook on life, I was sporting a bright yellow sticker on my cast saying - I WAS BRAVE.

She picked a small restaurant on the outskirts of town. Whether it was because no-one here knew us, or she thought that with us being so far out of town I had little choice but to sit down and listen to her, I wasn't sure.

As soon as our order had been taken she started.

Look, please hear me out before you say anything. Her voice nearly broke and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. This is going to be painful for both of us. She stopped as the waitress brought our drinks.

Fear, anger and resentment surged through me as I looked across the table at the women I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with. How had we got to here?

Yes, it was barely a whisper and then she looked up and held her eyes in mine. Yes, I was in love with Alex and yes, I have cheated on you with Alex. Although, she added quickly, it's not what you think.

Cheating is cheating, I wanted to shout. However, I somehow managed just to nod slightly, encouraging her to continue.

I met Alex when I was fourteen. He was my first boyfriend and we were deeply in love. As crazy as it sounds, we saw each other as soul mates. We were together nearly five years when we realised that we had a problem. I wanted a future, marriage and children. Alex didn't, he was happy with the way we were. He told me he never wanted children and didn't believe in marriage. I was heartbroken, I loved Alex with all my heart and I knew he loved me. I tried for a year to get him to change his mind only he wouldn't budge.

We went around in circles for a year trying to find a way forward. Nothing, if anything we were growing further apart. Then one day he came up with the idea of a surrogate husband. Someone I could marry, have children with however we would still have each other. Yes, looking back it's clear that we were both young, naïve and stupid. Neither of us truly understood what we were undertaking. However, at the time it seemed a good ideal. I could find a husband and start a family, whilst in the background we could still be together. The more we talked, the more the idea grew. I could have what I wanted most which was a family and although it wouldn't be the same, in some way we would still be together.

You were the only choice we could both agree on. I know, hearing it aloud it sounds ridiculous, very hurtful and stupid now!

I had already seen you a couple of times around town and then we met at that party. Well, we just clicked.

She could see the shock and horror explode in my eyes as I began to understand what she was telling me. Without even realising it, she was holding my good hand in hers, although inadvertently my reaction had forced her gaze to look down towards the floor in shame.

SHOCK. What had she just said to me. My head was reeling.

Beth, I was trying to keep my voice calm and steady. Impossible but I was trying. Are you telling me that you handpicked me to be your husband? To live with me, to have children with me, whilst all the time you would still have your lover and soulmate in the background?

During the last part I couldn't hold the anger from escaping. I tried to hold her gaze, but she couldn't or wouldn't look at me.

Silence filled the room, neither of us could speak.

I didn't know what to expect. My worst fears were that she had been having an affair for a month or so. Now it appeared that she had been lying to me, cheating on me the whole time of our marriage. I wanted to get up and just walk away only my legs refused to move.

Somehow, though, I managed to regain control of my feelings. It was important now that I knew everything.

Are the girls mine? It was a simply question, although my heart was pounding as I awaited her answer.

I held her gaze as I asked the question. I wasn't sure I trusted her words anymore but I knew from her actions if she was lying to me.

Yes, the girls are yours, you can check if you want. Beth's reactions proved what I already knew deep down. The girls were mine. Well at least something perfect came out of this mess.

Her tears were flowing freely now.

Look, David, when this started I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. At no time did I, did we, ever intentionally set out to hurt you or embarrass you.

Beth, you and I have totally different ideas on what love and respect are! You've just told me that you never loved me, you only married me to get you pregnant because your lover didn't want a family, marriage or any form of real commitment. You lied to me every step of the way. What about love and trust? What about our partnership? We used to say us against the world, was nothing real? I bet you and Alex had a proper laugh about your loving, clueless husband!

It was a good job the diner was nearly empty for my emotions were running very high and my voice carried all the way to the counter where I was getting worrying looks from the owner.

Please, please, she implored me. Let me say what I have to say. If I stop now, I'm not sure I will be able to continue. Her pleading worked, for I suddenly felt enlightened. What else could she say to me that would hurt more anymore?

As I said, when this all started, we didn't know what we were doing. I know you won't believe me, but I quickly realised that I started developing strong feelings for you. I was confused and torn. Alex and I were always meant to be together, only the more time I spent with you the stronger my feelings grew.

I immediately knew I couldn't go on. Only, you got me pregnant. Yes, before you say anything, it wasn't planned. It happened so early in our relationship that I actually expected you to freak out, only you didn't. No, you took me down to the beach and proposed as the sun was setting. I knew then that we were meant to be together.

Then you had your terrible accident and I nearly lost you for good. Before you ask I was going away with Alex. We hadn't been together since the twins were born and he was desperate to see me. He even threatened to come to the house whilst you were at work. Susan was a work colleague of his. We used her as cover before when we wanted to get together. Only this time everything was different. I think for the first time I understood what I was doing. I know you're not going to believe me, but I was ending it that weekend. I couldn't live with the lies anymore. His friend had a cottage in Hasting's. The plan was to meet at Susan's place and then travel down together.

He was running late arriving, only before we had the talk I heard of your accident. Without a second's thought, I left him standing there and I drove straight to the hospital and to you. I knew then that I if god was to let you live, I would be the best wife and mother I could ever be.

Alex didn't take the news well and he tried everything he could to see me and make me change my mind. It was when he threatened to come to the hospital and tell you all about us, that I finally lost it with him. Emotional blackmail was always part of Alex's arsenal. I knew you could never find out the truth, so I confided in my parents. They were distraught, devasted and rightly disgusted in my actions, however they promised to keep my secret and help me. My dad, unbeknown to me paid Alex a visit. I don't know what was said only that Alex left town the next day.

The table fell silent as I could feel her looking at me, imploring me to listen to her, to believe her and ultimately; forgive her.

Stunned, I didn't know what to say. Even if I did, I couldn't speak. My mind was lost with the realization of what she had just told me. I was hurt. It would have been kinder if she just took out a gun and put me out of my misery.

The very foundation of our relationship had been based on a lie and now in the clear light of day it was shattered into a million hurtful little pieces. Mixed emotions collided within me. I had been betrayed or was I the betrayer? She chose me over Alex when it came to the crux!

Unaware of the emotions I was lost in, she continued.

I swear to you that I hadn't spoken to Alex from that day until I saw him at the Spa last month. We bumped into his party by accident. It was a wedding party that had spilled out into the rest of the SPA. I was in shock to see him again after such a long time. We chatted and the next thing we were on the dancefloor. He tried to kiss me, only I stopped him. I know I don't deserve your trust here... But nothing happened.

Somehow, he'd managed to get hold of my number and started to contact me. Firstly to apologise for the way he acted and secondly, he wanted to meet as friends. We'd shared a lot of history together, so over the last month, I have met with him three times. Twice for coffee and once last week when I told you I was visiting mum, we got together and had dinner. In my head I told myself that these were just harmless meetings with an old friend. Before you say anything, nothing happened. I wouldn't even allow him to give me a kiss goodnight. It was during the dinner when it finally dawned on me what a fool I was.

He didn't want to be just friends, he wanted me back...

He gave me the story about joining the Army after losing me and how it made him a changed man. How he wanted a family of his own. He told me that he still loved me and that he would take me and our girls in a second if I asked him to. I think he thought I would throw myself at him, only halfway through the meal I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water all over me. I just got up, paid the bill and left. I wasn't thinking straight, and I knew if you saw me like that you would know. So, I drove around for about a couple of hours before coming home. Thankfully you were asleep.

Alex has tried to contact me several times, Beth was trying to hold my gaze as she told me this.

I want you and only you... Her voice was raised as if to emphasize this.

The girls miss their daddy and I miss and love my husband. The passion in her voice caught me unawares, I tried to speak but any chance of my voice being heard was being drowned out by her shouting at me. Again and again trying to re-enforce how much she and the girls loved me.

Shit, how emotionally fucked can one guy really be? The pain in my hand had been replaced by a gigantic hole in my heart. Before I realised it, I had rushed to the bathroom and thrown up what little lunch I had just eaten.

The bathroom mirror is nobody's friend and the face looking back at me was lost.

What happened next was a blur, for I knew I couldn't stay there. Mumbling something about needing some time to think, I bolted for the door. I had no idea where I was heading; I was just lost in an inner turmoil of hate and despair. Everything I ever knew to be true, had turned out to be false.

I was a broken man.