The Dumb Wife
I walked into my house after a thirty-mile bike ride and found my wife sitting at the table with a serious look on her face. Most men would get that 'oh shit' feeling but I knew what this was about. It was going to be so hard to match her seriousness.
"Jack, we need to talk," Jesse said.
"Can I take a shower first Jesse."
"I would prefer to get this over with."
Of course it was what Jesse preferred that was important, inside I knew that just upped my level of sarcasm. I grabbed a glass of iced tea and sat down.
"There's no easy way to say this Jack because I know it will hurt you, but I've been having an affair."
"With Mark or is there another. Everyone knows about your affair with Mark, so let me know if it's with someone else."
I loved the look of shock on her face.
"It's not with someone else, what kind of woman do you think I am?"
"Oh Jesse, do you really want me to answer that question because it will really screw up the little speech you've been planning all week."
There was another look of shock on her face.
"Wait a minute, what do you mean everyone knows?"
"Jesse, you haven't been the sharpest tool in the shed through this whole affair, but I think an elementary school teacher should understand what 'everyone knows' means."
Jesse was clearly confused. She stared at the script she had prepared, looking for answers that weren't there. I was struggling to keep a serious look on my face and was afraid I would start laughing.
"Wait a minute, how long have you known?"
"Since the middle of last school year, I'm pretty sure that's when your affair with Mark began."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"We're getting off on a tangent here Jesse, judging by the papers in your hand, you have more to tell me. But to answer your question, you had been this incredible bitch to me for years before the affair began. I'll admit your affair destroyed what little love I had left for you and had my lawyer preparing divorce papers. After quickly cycling through the layers of grief several times, I realized your bitchiness had subsided to a tolerable level. More importantly, you left me the fuck alone. I realized I didn't really miss fucking you either, even before the affair, we didn't make love anymore and if we were intimate, I wore a condom. You never know what you can catch from a street whore."
Jesse was really scrambling now. She barely noticed the insults.
"Who else knows?"
"That's a very long list Jesse and I'm confident I don't know everyone on the list: telegraph, telephone tell a woman. If you narrow it down a bit, I might be able to help you."
"Do the kids know?"
"Oh yes, you would have found it cute with the exception of the words they used to describe their mother, the cheating slut. I was in the den watching tv when the three of them came in with Steven as their spokesperson. I was so impressed with the level of care in his prepared speech, he was so worried that I would be devastated. They looked confused when I told them I knew all about it with a smile on my face. We went into the kitchen and had a great time bashing you over some ice cream."
"The one unanswered question they had was whether you were really that stupid or did you think we were. You never noticed that they haven't spoken to you or hugged you since you started your affair."
"But to cut this part of the conversation short, you should just assume that everyone we know is aware of your affair, except for maybe your parents who I always detested."
The tears were starting to form in Jesse's eyes and her hands were shaking.
"You have a lot more written down there Jesse, let's move forward please," I said with a big grin on my face.
She looked at my face and I could see her going into bitch mode, "What I wanted to tell you is that I've decided to end the affair and concentrate on us."
She looked like, I don't know, maybe I should throw myself at her feet and thank her for giving us a second chance. Or that violins or trumpets should be playing in the background. She didn't realize that looking at her was making me sick.
With a serious look on my face, and I was being serious, I said, "Jesse, I had hoped that in the dying breaths of our marriage that you would show me a little respect and be honest with me. Maybe you no longer remember how. I know you didn't decide to end the relationship."
"What, how, what do you mean?"
"You remember Linda don't you, Mark's wife. We were always friendly but after you two began your affair we became very good friends, not with benefits. Neither of us wanted to sink to the level of the whores we married. Of course, after meeting you, she no longer felt threatened by the affair. We talked often, recently she let me know that Mark was no longer satisfying her between the sheets. His age was catching up to him and he could no longer satisfy her, you and the dozen or so others he was fucking. She gave him an ultimatum, cut it off with you and the others who she would divorce him and rape him in court. Of course, he folded and that was supposed to be his speech to you on Monday."
There was a lot in my little speech and the tears were flowing down her cheeks.
"Mark was cheating on me with other women"
