The Desperate Struggle To Reconcile Ch 05

The lovemaking the night before was nothing short of spectacular. At least from the point of view of a fellow you hadn't had much sex in nearly two years. We started off slow, with gentle kissing that turned into heavy kissing and then exploring hands that tugged and rubbed at will. Then I rolled on top and went in. She orgasmed quickly, much to my surprise. Looking at her immediately after she appeared teary-eyed, and face flushed at the same time. With only a minute to recover, she rolled me onto my back, climbed on top and began to dance on my cock. Watching her breast jiggle with each move had always been a turn on for me for some reasons, and I reacted accordingly. While our first iteration of love making was gentle and loving, our second episode was intense and passionate. She came quickly, while I resisted blowing my load too early. I then rolled her on her back and then told her to get on her hands and knees, entering her from behind. Again, it was a short time before she came, but rather than break it up, I continued harder and faster than ever. A second and third orgasm followed for Linda and then as everything built to a climax for both of us, there were cries of pleasure that I hadn't heard from her for years.

Both spent, we rolled onto our backs, her head on my shoulder, and I whispered to her that I would always love you.

We fell asleep in each other's arms.

But the next morning our peaceful sleep was interrupted by loud pounding on our front door. I slipped on some pants and a shirt and came down the stairs quickly. Peeking out I saw Kyle. He continued to pound on the door. I fastened the chain lock, and opened the door the two inches allowed by the chain, and said sharply, "Kyle, you're waking up the neighborhood, what do you want?"

"I have to talk to Linda."

"Why don't you call her in a couple of hours, I'm sure you guys can do this on the phone, can't you?"

"I want to fucking talk to Linda, right now."

"I'm calling the cops, Kyle."

"Fuck you. I don't give a fuck what you do. My kids have lost their father because of you."

"Oh, Kyle, I really suspect you had a little bit more to do with that than you are letting on."

"I have to talk to Linda!"

At that point, Linda had come down, wearing only an oversized T-shirt, and said, "its alright, Patrick, I'll talk to him.

"What do you want, Kyle?" she said in an annoyed voice.

"I'm ready, I have it all worked out, come with me, let's get out of here."

"Kyle, you had your chance, you walked away from me, remember?"

"Things are different. I can take care of you now. You need to leave this gutless, small dick, wimp and this dull existence, we are meant for each other. Come on, let's get high together."

I had stepped back, to give them a sense of room, but I remained in earshot. But then Kyle whispered something to her that I could not hear. At that, Linda unfastened the chain lock, opened the door, stepped outside and shut the door. I went to the door and started to follow her out, but then thought, no, this must play out. Linda is either with me or not. This wasn't a matter of trust, it was a matter of her choice. They remained outside for a full five minutes, then slowly the door opened, Linda came in and Kyle left.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"I was with him for quite a while, it was just a chance at a little closure." She spoke without eye contact. Then she went upstairs to the bedroom.

Her explanation was reasonable. They both probably needed some closure. After so many months of intimacy, there had to have been some residual need to acknowledge that. But her body language led me to believe that her explanation was not to be trusted.

After about twenty minutes of drinking coffee and checking out the news on my cell phone, I wandered upstairs to get dressed. I found Linda in our room, dressed, with a suitcase on the bed with her packing clothes from her dresser. She turned as I entered and looked at me anxiously.

"I am sorry, Patrick. I tried. I am afraid there is not enough of the woman you married left for me to stay happy. I'm leaving. I am going to be with Kyle."

I just stared, stunned.

I am just not the same person anymore, Patrick. I do love you, but not the same way. You are a good man. I just don't need a good man anymore. I need to be free. I need to be myself. I crave pleasure, I need excitement, even a dash of danger, I need a measure of wildness in my life."

I started to feel lightheaded. I walked over to a chair and sat down.

"What about the kids, what about your kids?"

"I am so grateful that you brought them around and helped them reconcile with me. I know you will do what it takes to keep that up."

"No, Linda, I won't. I am tired. I worked hard to try to save our marriage, to save our family. I don't have any energy left. I promise I won't discourage them from maintaining a relationship with you, but I can't involve myself with you anymore. You are destroying what was left of my soul. I have nothing left for you. Whatever relationship happens with you and the kids will all be on you."

Linda looked surprised at that answer, but quickly shrugged it off and continued to pack her suitcase.

Closing the suitcase, she asked me to help carry it to her car.

"No, sweetie, from this point on, you are own your own. I have nothing to do with you." I got up, walked from the room, stood next to the front door and waited for her to come down.

Two minutes later she came down the stairs struggling with her overpacked suitcase. She hesitated at the door waiting for me to open it, but I just stood there. She finally opened it and walked out.

"I'll be next week for the rest of my stuff, okay."

"Sure, so long as you have a court order. We are done, don't expect anything else from me."

She glared at me, then slowly softened, and said, "Patrick, you were very patient with me. And you did work so hard to save us. I am sorry it has ended up like this. I didn't mean for it to be this way. It just happened. I really did want us to work. I can tell you are in pain. I am so sorry."

I did not respond.

She stepped out, still struggling with her suitcase. I stepped out, watched her get in her car. From behind the wheel, she looked up at me, we exchanged looks for a good while. She then pushed the ignition and drove away.

As soon as she turned the corner, I got into my car, drove to the nearby Walmart, bought some super glue, then drove to the apartment I had rented for her. It was solely in my name and there was nothing in writing about her living there, I walked into the apartment manager, told him what I was doing, left him a $100 tip, then put the super glue in the apartment locks. I also left a note on the door.

Linda, this is my apartment, you may not enter it.

I then called a locksmith and scheduled him to replace the locks. He would do it the next week. I also scheduled him to change the locks in my house.

I then called Darryl and asked for his help in repossessing my car, the one that Linda drove off with.

I then called the kids. Told them Mom had run off with Kyle. I told them I was okay. They expressed anger at their mother. I did not.

Late that afternoon, Linda called, angry. "You need to let me into the apartment!"

"No, I don't." I calmly responded.

"Look, I'll only need it for a month or two. Don't be an asshole."

"Yeah, the break-up of a marriage can be pretty ugly. I think what you need is a court order."

"Don't be such a heartless bastard!"

Heartless? Yeah, you are right there. My heart was removed with a blunt instrument. I thought you knew that, I mean, you were there."

The phone went dead.

The next morning the phone rang again from Linda. I debated answering it again, but decided she was the mother of my children, I needed at least some line of communication.

"Did you steal my car!?!"

"No, I repossessed it."

"What the fuck, how am I supposed to get around?"

"Don't know. Don't care."

"Fuck you." The line went dead.

Shit, I thought, I enjoyed that too much. I need to keep emotion out of my decisions regarding her, that won't end up in a good place. Then, smiling to myself, I thought, yeah, but it did feel good.

I next filed for divorce. Derek served the process on her, finding her in a run-down motel occupied mostly by dopers, pushers and prostitutes. Linda never filed a response to the Petition for Divorce, so I got a default judgment and then a final decree granting me everything I had asked for.

It would be over a year before I would hear from her again.

It was after dark on Christmas Day. I was returning home from the airport having flown back from a visit with my daughter and my grandchildren. As I was driving down the street to my home, I saw a figure standing in road in front of my house, just looking.

I pulled into my driveway, and walked over to the figure. I did not recognize her at first, but guessed it might be Linda. When she finally spoke, I knew it was her.

"Hello, Patrick" was all she said.

"Linda? Please, come in. Let's get warm. I'll fix us some coffee."

She finally turned, looked up at me and said softly, "I'd like that."

We walked to the house, I opened the door, and with the lights turned on, I finally took a look. She was the mere shadow of herself. She had lost so much weight. She had a baseball cap on, but I could tell her hair was dull and grayer. Her face was very wrinkled. Her coat was old and stained, and her shoes were badly worn. She had been crying.

"It's good to see you Linda, I am glad you came to visit, I hope you hadn't been waiting long." My guess was she hadn't come to visit, she just wanted something.

She gave me a small smile.

I started the coffee and offered her some cookies. She took a couple of cookies, and ate them quickly, and I took one, and offered her another, "these are good, aren't they. Here have more," as I set the cookies in front of her. She eagerly took another.

I told her about my day, about flying back from seeing our daughter and the grandkids. I told her how they were doing, and I filled her in on our son and his new wife, and the wedding she had missed. I told her what Santa had brought the grandchildren, about how they had grown.

I got up, fixed the coffee and kept talking about events with our two children in the past year, ending with, "I bet they loved to see you" finally breaching a subject with some weight to it.

"Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't" she responded, still, with that small smile she had since coming into her old home. I read the smile as a sign that this was a subject she wanted me to pursue.

"Oh, Linda, don't be silly. You are their mother. Sure, we all hit a pretty bad bump in the road, but what is one or two bad years compared to 25 years of love and mothering."

"No, no. They won't want anything to do with me."

"Well, there is only one way to find out." I know, stay the night, and I'll arrange it for tomorrow morning. No one is working tomorrow; your visit will be like a second Christmas for everyone."

"You know, I bet you're hungry. I can't put on a Christmas feast, but how about some sausage and scrambled eggs, it is well within my culinary skill set?

She smiled and said, "that would be nice."

I put on the sausage and prepared three eggs. I then poured some orange juice.

We continued our conversation about the kids and grandkids. She became animated over the conversation, asking questions and clearly showing how much she missed them.

We continued to talk for more than an hour. She had only eaten half of what I had fixed, but I could tell she couldn't eat any more. I realized how tired she looked and suggested she might be ready to turn in.

I walked her to our old bedroom, then furnished it with towels and everything needed for a shower and some grooming. When she noticed that the bathroom was without those things, she asked if our old room was still being used, and I told her without further explanation that no one had used this room since she left, and that I had become used to just staying in the guest room. I could tell that explanation was a bit puzzling, but she asked nothing else.

I showed her the closets and dressers half full with clothes she had left, and then I turned to her, gave her a soft kiss on the forehead, and wished her a good night. Within a few minutes I heard the shower running in her bathroom. She took a long shower. I went to the kitchen, tidied up, then called the kids. They both needed some persuading but agreed to call her the next morning.

I went to bed shortly afterwards. I did have problems falling asleep, worried about what to do about Linda's reappearance. On the one hand I had successfully moved on, putting her behind me. I reexamined my own feelings towards her. I was sure that I no longer was in love, that my response was just a gesture of goodwill to another human being who appeared to be in some distress. With that conclusion, and with the warm memories of Christmas spent with the grandchildren, I was finally able to fall asleep.

I woke up earlier than normal the next morning. I walked downstairs and fixed myself some coffee. After waiting a full hour for some stirring from Linda, I finally went up and knocked on the door. Hearing nothing, I slowly opened the door to find her sitting in a chair looking out the window with her old frumpy nightgown on. I asked if she was alright.

She turned slowly towards me and said, "Patrick, I am so sorry for all that I have done. Believe me when I tell you that the evil that I have done has been paid back to me several times over. I had everything, and because... oh shit... I know, I have apologized like this before, it is nothing you haven't heard before. There is no reason for you to believe me now than before, and if I'm honest, I am not sure I believe in any apology I make myself. In any event, you should at least know that I realize what kind of person I am."

"Let's try to stay in the here and now for a little longer. If you want, after we talk to our kids, we can have that conversation about the past, but not now. For now, let's pretend that there is no past and no future, there is only now and see if we squeeze some small amount of joy from it."

Tears were running down her face and her small smile returned. "Okay," is all she said.

The decision was made for our son and daughter to make a zoom call. The call came in at eleven that morning, we were all there. The kids were standoffish, but at least polite. That didn't last long.

After the pleasantries were done and after Linda had asked some questions about the grandchildren who were absent from the call, my daughter let loose. "Mom, do you have any idea how much pain you have inflicted on all of us by your cruel selfishness?"

My daughter's steely eyes met Linda's eyes. There was a long pause. Linda answered her in an angry voice,

"YES, MY DEAR, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH PAIN I HAVE INFLICTED ON THE ONLY MAN WHO HAS EVER LOVED ME, AND ON THE TWO CHILDREN I LOVE MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, AND ON THE GRANDCHILDREN WHO WILL NEVER GET TO KNOW ME, BUT WHO I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH. I ALSO KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN I INFLICTED ON MY OWN STUPID SELF, KNOWING I DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN THE PAST TWO YEARS. YES, I KNOW VERY MUCH THE PAIN I HAVE CAUSED."

"Good!" replied my daughter as she hung up.

With that, my son added, "well, that went about as well as I expected. I have nothing add. Dad, we will talk later." He then hung up.

With that, Linda started to cry. I helped her get up and holding her I walked her to the couch, and had her sit down. I could feel that she was nothing but skin and bones. I whispered to her, "It's okay. You'll get through this." Repeating it again, and again. By then she was sobbing.

Half an hour later, Linda was out, she had cried herself to sleep on the couch. I took a seat in the easy chair next to the couch and just sat with her.

It was a couple of hours where she just lied there, asleep. When she finally started to stir, I got up and went to her. As I was standing over her, her eyes opened and she looked at me and said simply, "I'm awake."

"How are you feeling?"

"Horrible. I feel horrible. My babies hate me."

"Yeah, that's on me. I had hoped they could hold it together long enough to make you feel at ease. I asked more of them than they could give."

She started to cry. "Patrick, I am at rock bottom. Can you help me. I need to get off of this shit, but it's hard. It is so damn hard. Can you get me into rehab again?"

"Yeah, I can tell you've been fucking with a lot of shit. You look terrible."

"Help me, please." she begged.

"Let's talk. You have a full year to account for, from the time that Kyle swept you away from me after we had reconciled until I drove into my driveway and found you waiting for me."

"Patrick, I will tell you everything you want to know, but you need to know this past year has been very ugly and there is nothing I can tell about this past year that will encourage you to let help me, but it only show you just how far I had to fall to hit rock bottom."

"I need to hear this. I also think you need to admit to it."

"Okay, then, when Kyle asked me to run off with him, he whispered in my ear that he had been approached by the cartel to sell their product. It seems our local supplier had been busted, and his whole operation had been shut down. They wanted Kyle to do their local distribution. He said more money, better drugs.

"I was clean. I was very proud that I was clean. But the desire to get high was just as strong as ever, and while temptation had been removed and I was doing well, suddenly Kyle just dangled temptation in front of me and that was all it took. I told him to where I'd meet him, and I went up to pack. I was surprised at myself. I knew how hard you tried to get me back; I knew how much you loved me, and I knew how much this would hurt you. But I didn't care. I just wanted to get high. I remember you asking about the kids as I was leaving, and I hated leaving them, but I needed to get high more than anything."

At this point, Linda stopped, wiped her eyes, visible shivered, then collected herself and continued.

"Getting high in the beginning was good. Nothing else mattered. I thought I would just move into the apartment, but you shut that down. I thought I would have my car, but you made that disappear. But getting high made those things unimportant. We were living in a crack motel. While the money we had coming in was good, it was never enough.

After a few weeks, another woman came into Kyle's life. I knew I should have been upset, but so long as I was getting high, I was okay. Kyle controlled the flow of my personal product, so he controlled me. It wasn't long before Kyle had me doing things with him and with his other girlfriend that I couldn't believe I would ever do, but so long as I could get high, it was okay.

"After a while, money became an issue with Kyle. About that time, he needed me and his other girlfriend to do him "special favors." These favors always involved other men. If we wanted to get high, we needed to do these special favors. So long as I could get high, it was okay.

"At first, doing favors was only a once and a while thing. But in time it became more frequent. Soon it was every day, then it was several times a day. Then a couple of new girlfriends of Kyle showed up. But even with more girls, the favors never slowed down. But so long as I could get high, it was okay.

"Then one day, Kyle was gone. His contact showed up one day and introduced a new guy to us. He told us we were working for him now. I asked where Kyle was, and was told only that he wasn't here anymore, and the new guy would take care of my needs. This new guy was mean. He seemed to enjoy hurting people and that included us girls. We soon learned to keep quiet and do what we were told. But so long as I could get high, it was okay.