The Commitment

This is a repost of a 2008 story that has been re-edited.

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I sat on the porch one last time. I had just finished loading the car with all of my possessions. There were two cardboard boxes and two suitcases. Most of the other stuff I had gotten rid of over the past six years. I didn't want to take anything more than necessary. In my purse were a copy of the final divorce decree and a check for half of all of our assets.

I could see my now ex-husband, John Simmons, sitting in the living room calmly watching TV. He had not said goodbye, and it seems that he was not going to. That was just as well, as I don't think I wanted him to anyhow. I took my maiden name back as part of the divorce decree. I was now Jean Parsons again. I was waiting for this day to come for six years. It was the day my youngest daughter, Sarah, left for college. That was the commitment I was obligated to. We had two children, and Terry, the oldest, had left for college two years ago. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that I screwed everything up, and other times it seems like an eternity ago.

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John and I met twenty years ago. I was a waitress in a diner and John was a regular patron. He was a heavy equipment operator: bulldozers, and that kind of stuff. He was big and strong, not bad looking, very polite, and seemed to like me. I was still hurting from a bad high school romance.

Ray Cotton and I had a very hot love affair going all through our last years of school. When Ray left for MIT, I was devastated. He came back the first summer, and we rekindled our love life, but that was the last time I saw him. I had heard that he went to Seattle after he graduated, but had nothing to confirm it. I was heartbroken. He was the love of my life. The only boy had I had ever, or would ever, love and he had deserted me with no explanation.

When John asked me out on a date, it was the first time I had ever been with another man. John was a good man and an enjoyable date. He never got fresh with me or tried to push me into doing anything. It was evident on several of our dates that he wanted to have sex and eventually we did.

Soon after, John proposed marriage. I was not really in love with John like I was with Ray, but I could see that he would be a good provider and husband. I married John for the wrong reasons and it was an unfair thing to do to him. Terry and Sarah came into the family shortly thereafter and everything was comfortable, if not exciting, till six years ago when Ray Cotton returned to my life.

I was at the Super Mall, just picking up some odds and ends when I heard the familiar voice.

"Jean, Jean Parsons, is that you?"

I turned and my heart skipped a beat. I felt like I hadn't felt in almost fifteen years. It was Ray Cotton and he looked better than ever. He was a little older, a little heavier, but just as handsome as I had remembered. I was still mad at him for leaving me as he did, but all those feelings were gone as soon as I saw him.

"Hi." was all I could say. I stood and looked at him, not knowing what to do, but knowing what I wanted to do. My stomach felt funny. My head was a little light.

He finally spoke. "You look wonderful, just as I remember you."

I wanted to say something witty but all that came out was, "Thank you, you look good yourself."

Ray motioned over towards the food court and we both started walking. "What can I get you to drink?"

"A diet coke will be fine."

I sat and waited for him, trying to figure out what to say. I wanted to know so much but didn't want to pry into his private life. I felt young and nervous.

Ray came back with the drinks and we talked for almost an hour. We got up and together walked out of the mall to his car, a big yellow Hummer. I commented on how ugly it was and we both laughed. There was no discussion about what we were doing. I just got into the Hummer as if it was a natural thing to do. We drove to his motel and I walked with him to his room. We never mentioned what we were going to do. We were just moving as if it was something we did every day.

As soon as we were in the room, we were in each other's arms. It was high school all over. It was as if the last fifteen years had never happened. I had no thoughts what so ever about my husband, my children, or my life. At this point, I didn't care.

We both had a good little giggle. I teased him about his bigger waistline and he asked me where my perky little boobies went. It was all in good fun, and we ended up doing everything we did as young lovers.

Ray and I showered together, and he took me back to the mall. We didn't say goodbye or anything. I just quietly got out of the Hummer on the backside of the building and left. I finished my shopping as if I was walking on air. That night I couldn't get to sleep. I was awake all night thinking about my marvelous afternoon.

At home, I put on the illusion that everything was normal. I tried not to feel extra happy or giddy. I made an effort not to look guilty. I carefully took steps to ensure that nothing was different. I made sure that nothing changed in my sex life with John. I was not overly excited or demanding. The household must remain stable. However, that was all that remains unchanged.

For the next three weeks, I spent every spare minute I had with Ray. We only met during the day when the kids were in school and John was at work. I didn't see him on the weekends. I would drive to the mall and walk in the front and out the back where Ray was waiting. The first week it was always at the motel and after he got an apartment, we went there.

I was so caught up in the excitement of what I was doing that I never gave a thought or a care about my husband or my children. I loved them dearly, but they came second to my pleasures at the moment. I was wrong and I knew it, but I didn't give a damn.

The downside was that my relationship with Ray did not have a final destination. Where were we going or for how long were we going to do what we were doing? We didn't think further ahead than the next day.

Then it all came to an end.

Ray and I met and instead of going to his place, we drove to Lake Wenona, a place we used to go to and park when we were kids. We stopped on the backside of the lake. It was quiet and private. In no time at all, we were both undressed in the back of the Hummer. We were going at it like a couple of teenagers in heat when my cell phone rang. I let it ring a few times and then picked it up.

"Hello."

"Jean, this is John."

"Yes John, I recognize your voice."

"Where are you right now?"

I paused a second not knowing what to say. I was a lousy liar.

"I'm in the parking lot at the Super Mall, John. Why?"

"Oh. Well, that's good to know Jean, because in ten seconds Ray Cotton's hummer is going to explode in a big ball of fire. It sure is good you are not there."

"John, What did you say John?"

"Ten, nine, eight, seven,"

I dropped the phone. "Get out! Get out of the car now. Quick."

Ray was startled. "What are you talking about? What is going on?"

I opened the door and jumped out, stark naked. Ray followed me and we both ran away from the Hummer. A few seconds later, there was a loud pop and orange smoke was billowing out from under the yellow monster truck.

We were standing about fifty feet away from the smoking Hummer when John drove up in his pickup. He swung the passenger door open and told me to get in. He looked at Ray through the window and said, "The next time I see you, it will be at your funeral."

Neither one of us said a word on the long drive home. When we got to the house, I had to go from the driveway to the front door with no clothes on. I stood in the middle of the living room, afraid to move or say anything. John finally acknowledged me. "Go take a shower and put something on before the kids get home from school."

It was a stressful evening. John said nothing about any of it. I went to bed scared to death and John slept on the sofa. The next morning I found my purse and clothing in a paper bag by the front door when I went out to get the newspaper. I put them out of sight when John came down for breakfast.

Before he left for work, he took the queen-sized box spring and mattress out to his truck. When he came home from work, he had two single beds with him and a few changes of linen to fit them. He put the beds together, and I put the new sheets on.

This continued for almost a week. One evening when the kids were away, I worked up the courage to talk to him.

"John, what is it that you want from me? What do you want me to do?"

He said nothing, but he did pause from his reading a second. I waited. I offered no apology. I made no excuses. I did not whine or whimper. I simply waited for him to reply.

"My first impulse was to simply kill both of you. I was furious with what you did to the family and me. I was planning on just putting four sticks of dynamite under his truck, but then I thought of what that would do to the children. They would lose a mother and also a father. My revenge was not worth that. I put the marine flare there instead of the dynamite. I waited for you to end it, but you never did. I could stand it no longer. I am still mad and I am struggling with it every day. I don't know what I am capable of doing when I am in this state."

I sat quietly, listening to every word. I said nothing, and I was trying not to show any emotion.

John continued. "You will stay here in the house and act as mother and wife until both the children have left for college. You will perform all the duties of a wife and mother, except for the sex. That includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, and attending all social functions. At all times we must be a normal family. Neither of us will say anything to our families or friends about what happened. I will give you an allowance of $200 a month for your expenses and of course, all the money you need to operate the household. The day Sarah leaves for college will also be the day of our divorce. I will give you half of the value of the house and half of our savings. I will give you no alimony."

It was like a prison sentence. I didn't know how to respond. I sat there stunned. Why didn't he just throw me out and set me free? Why is he putting me through this torture?

John continued "I am doing this mainly for the kids. I want them to experience a normal childhood and I will not let your infidelities screw up their lives. I am insisting on this Jean. There is nothing here to negotiate. I know this will sound very harsh and you will probably find it hard to accept, but please listen carefully to the last two conditions. They are very important."

I was a little worried but figured I could handle it.

"If you leave before your commitment is up, I will hunt you down and kill you. If you have any contact, at all, with Ray Cotton I will hunt you down and kill both of you."

I was stunned. I was at a loss for words. I sat there shaking. I had not realized how much I had hurt this man to make him hate me so much. I was at last feeling some remorse for my actions. I had been cocky and arrogant about my affair, and now I was scared and worried. He had figured out how to get to me and it worked.

I stood up and looked at him. "I agree." I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning I began to serve my commitment and did it for six years with no complaints.

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I looked back through the window again. John was still watching his TV. As I walked to my car, I didn't know if I was relieved or just in despair. Slowly I drove across town to my rental cottage. It was small but adequate. Most importantly, I could afford it. I had screwed up my life and I paid for my mistake. John was a good man and he deserved better than I gave him. I was ashamed of what I had done to him. However, it was time to start over. As I turned down the street toward my new home, I noticed a vehicle parked in the driveway. It was a big ugly yellow Hummer.