The Catastrophic Swap

First I need to thank my very noble editor - Trixter. A guy who would go through the smut some stranger wrote in another country, more than once.

You totally rock.

And now for the tale:

*****

The catastrophic swap - women are volcanoes.

"We're not going."

"We sure are."

"We hardly know them." Rose critically scanned the countertop that her husband just supposedly cleaned. She gave a heavy sigh, and then attacked the bread crumbs he missed with a wet towel. "We don't even know any of their friends."

"So?"

She checked on the roast in the oven and tasted the onion soup on the stove. A row of vanilla cupcakes stood in three rows like obedient soldiers on the countertop, and she added chopped nuts on the chocolate frosting, counting exactly four chips for every cupcake. "So you'll mingle, you always do, Adam, and I'll just sit there bored with no one to talk to."

"Say what?"

"What?"

"I call your bullshit," Adam crossed his eyes in the way that always made her laugh. "I call your bullshit and I raise you an empiric fact; you have ten times the social aptitude than me."

"Aptiwhat?"

"And you're adorably funny in an adorable funny way. Yep."

"I don't have the energy to be nice to new people tonight."

Her husband kissed the back of her swan neck. "Today, and last weekend, and the one before that and...When was the last time we went out on a social event?"

"Ben's party?"

"One that wasn't all about our five year old son," Adam said. "Come to think of it, when was the last time we had a date, like two adults in a relationship supposed to have?"

"Let's have dinner outside, tomorrow."

"Okay, great, but we're also going to the party tonight."

"I always thought Liam Colman was kind of a dick; why did he invite you in the first place?"

"Michelle did," Adam said.

"Say what?"

"His wife."

"No shit, Mr. Obvious, I know she's his wife," Rose stopped mopping with the wet towel and turned to her husband, eyes squinted. "Since when do you have conversations with Mrs. 'Look Ma, No Bra'?"

"Their son is in the same kindergarten with Ben, we talk all the time."

"Aha, the plot thickens."

Adam laughed then tried to kiss his wife but she pushed him away. "She's nice," he said.

"I bet she is."

"You don't have to bet. She is."

"She also likes to wear those halter dresses, with half her silicone boobs popping out."

"She does? I didn't notice."

Rose slapped him with the wet towel.

"How do you know they are silicone?"

"She let me touch them whenever we make love."

"Your funny just fell off." Adam tried to grab the towel. "Seriously, since when did you become a fake boobs expert?"

"She weaned three calves and her adders are pointing to heaven."

"So?"

"So gravity doesn't work at the Colmans? They are a fake, case closed. Wait a minute, why are we discussing her boobs?"

"You started it."

"I'm ending it; you're not allowed to talk with that slut anymore."

"I love it when you go all-jealous on me," Adam leaned over, this time Rose allowed him to kiss her lips. "Anyway, we met today when I picked up Ben, and she mentioned the party and she said that they wanted to invite us for a long time, and that they are having a big party, and that they would love for us to come over, and we are going, so put on something sexy. You don't say no to the neighborhood's Brangelina."

"The what?"

"Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie."

"I know what Brangelina means, but since when the Colman couple ...? You really think she's Angelina Jolie pretty, do you? You're so not talking with her ever again."

"Jealous much?"

"Nothing to be jealous about. He's an ex-school jock who made it in car imports and she's his ex-cheerleader trophy wife. Brangelina my ass, they're a clichéי. She used to model, didn't she? Probably dense as a neutron star."

"Well la di dah, Mrs. I won three Physics Nobel prizes."

The tip of the towel she was holding whistled as it connected with his arm.

"Ouch!" He exclaimed as he disarmed his wife of the wet towel. "And I meant Brangelina in a sense that they're very rich, very successful, very pretty couple, by local standards."

"So what? So are we."

"Not really."

Rose batted her eyelashes. "We're also considered a very good looking couple."

"By whom?"

"By a lot of people. Some of which aren't even my mom. And we're also semi-successful, and rich... not at all."

"Meh, if they're Brangelina, we're Alyson Hannigan and Alexis Denisof."

"Who?"

"Exactly, now put on your hot green mini dress and let's go."

"I'm not feeling so well."

"That's just your laziness talking."

"You're right, I'm tired, it's been a long week; I slave all day at work for the sake of a bunch of ungrateful little pricks, who think that to be someone you need a douche like Simon Cowell to... Shit." The Rumba robot stopped picking dog hairs up from the living room's Persian rug and started protesting in German. "Goddamn. You said you're gonna fix the language problem a week ago, Adam. You see, I slave all day at school, and then I come home to my second job, being the house slave, because no one here lifts a goddamn finger. It's the weekend. All I want is to do is finish the cooking and the cleaning, shower and then snuggle in my pajama watching some episodes of 'The Walking Dead'. You know what you're asking of me?"

"To go out, meet new people, drink a little, share a few laughs, instead of being stuck at home with one of your geek shows. I know; I'm a horrible person."

"You're asking me to put on makeup, shave the jungle I have on my legs so I can put on that green mini spray-on dress, to go mingle with a bunch of douchebag strangers. My batteries are dead, sorry. ...and The Walking Dead is not a geek show." She added with a sniff.

"Totally is. Which reminds me, I always make an effort to flow with your nerdy hobbies."

"Like when?"

"Like when you dragged me to that gremlin movie."

"Avatar?"

"King of the something, the King of the Earrings, King of the Rings, King of Jewelry."

"Lord of the Rings. Just one part of the trilogy, and you snored through the whole damn thing!!"

"Did I?"

"It was embarrassing." She pouted. "You might have stayed home for all the fun you were that night."

"Okay, Okay, I'll fix the Rumba, and finish the kitchen while you do all that girly stuff. I'll even iron my own shirt."

"I'm not going."

"If we're going tonight, I'll do the garden tomorrow, tree trimming included, and I'll even paint the fence."

"I'm not going - wait, seriously?"

"Scout's honor."

"What's the scouts' policy on professional postponers?"

"Come on."

"I'm gonna kill you if we're going tonight and you'll dodge that promise tomorrow using some lame excuse. I've been asking you to paint it for..." She counted out loud, "fuck, I don't remember."

"Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. I'll even throw anal sex into the deal as a sweetener."

"Your funny just fell off. And you'll also fix the shed's roof?"

"Now you're just being greedy."

@@@@@@@@@@@

"Wow, that makes one hell of a picture ... yeah." Liam Colman dropped himself on his patio's chessboard couch, and stretched his legs on the fancy trestle dining table, a glass of cognac in his left. He gave Adam a friendly slap on the shoulder. "A pretty picture indeed, makes you glad to be alive and a man." Liam nodded towards the outdoor brick oven where his wife, Michelle, was picking up a dirty plates while having a small talk with Rose.

"Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony."

Yeah, kind of." Adam smiled.

The Ebony was Michelle, in red backless dress. Classic model slim chic, sculptured on perfect mahogany complexion. Adam tried not to stare too long because the back opened all the way almost to the crack in her tiny ass.

"Hey, Adam." Liam he had the authority commanding deep voice of someone who is used to people paying attention to his words. "Stop ogling at my wife's ass."

"What?" Adam coughed and blushed. "I was not."

"Kidding." Liam winked, "Why do you think she puts on that kind of dress? She wants people to stare."

"Dude, I was not checking out your wife's ass."

"Come on," Liam punched him one on the shoulder, "no harm in just looking."

"I wasn't."

"Bro, man up!"

"Okay, but if I'm gonna admit to anything inappropriate, I'll need a reassurance that you're not gonna hit me. Cause I heard you used to be a Shayetet officer (Israeli Navy Seals)?"

"Six years of hard service, but hell no, hitting you would be major hypocrisy. I inappropriately checked your wife's ass; a couple of times tonight."

Adam laughed, a little too loud on account of five beers and a single cocktail with ton of tropical fruits. Liam punched him on the shoulder anyway.

Ivory was Rose. She was also a tall woman, not model tall like Michelle or heroin chic thin, but she compensated with an hourglass shape kept tight by jogging five days a week. Thirty two blond with almond shaped blue eyes and a smile that made people want to be her friend the moment they met her. Men usually checked out Rose, and Adam liked it in an 'eat your heart out, that hot babe is mine' kind of way.

All considered, Adam was glad to learn that Liam checked out his wife's behind. It reinforced his own masculinity to know that the husband of a hot babe like Michelle can be little jealous of him. "Thanks for inviting us, Liam," he gave his own wife an ass scan. Yep she was extra hot tonight in her green mini. "Great party. We got to know a couple of people who have been our neighbors for years. Not a triviality for us. We're usually too lazy to initiate any social get together."

"First, you should know it's a shame that we didn't invite you earlier, you're an awesome couple. Well, your wife is hilarious, we love her. Next time I think it's best if she can come alone, you're just eating stuff and drinking free beer."

"No problem."

"Second, that's really sad, I mean, about you not mingling more, because you seem to have a knack at making friends."

"Well, half of us at least have that talent." Adam looked back at his wife whom was chatting and laughing with Michelle as if they were BFFS since middle-school.

"She sure does," Liam said, "go.t it, get it. Get it? Fuck that, I'm a little drunk."

"Stop looking at my wife's ass." Adam punched him lightly and tipped a bottle of beer.

"Actually, I would be insulted if people didn't steal a peek at my Michelle's badonkadonk. It cost more than my new Isuzu Trooper, what's the point of spending so much money if you can't rub it in people's faces?"

"I didn't know there was such a thing as an ass job?"

"Ass job, boob job, nose job, and some other parts she didn't fancy - jobs. I think she's crazy, by the way, she was always the hottest girl around. And I've known her since high-school."

"Wow, so you've been together..." Adam counted fingers. "A hundred years?"

"Yeah, yeah, laugh away." Liam took a sip of cognac. "How bout you, Bud? When and where did you meet that jewel of yours?"

"Funny story, because we'd also met in high-school."

"No shit." Liam had a throaty pleasant kind of laugh. "The hottest girl in high-school too, I bet."

"She was the nerdiest kid in the entire school, probably in the entire state."

"No shit?"

"Used to run with a bunch of weirdoes, you know the kind that only date computer games and suck at football."

"That beauty queen over there?"

"Had braces, glasses with lenses bigger than the Hubble Telescope's, used to dress like my grandma, the whole deal. Oh, and she had like twice the ass than she has now. She looked like a mouse back then, a chubby mo... yeah." Adam shut up when he realized that the alcohol was talking out of his throat; Rose was very touchy about her Ugly Duckling past, and Liam despite all the niceties and the openness, was still a stranger.

"So?"

"Huh?"

"So what happened?"

"Our parents are best friends. My mom pushed me to take out that poor girl who never goes out on Saturday Nights as a onetime favor. We both weren't too enthused about it; me because I was a shallow prick, and her because I was a shallow prick, plus she knew I didn't do it voluntarily."

"So?"

"We saw through the pride and prejudice, both of us. A rare moment for me, I have to admit, not so rare for her. The rest is in the history books, like they said... err, say."

"A fucking fairy tale."

"I'll drink to that," Adam raised his half empty bottle from the table.

Liam aimed a finger gun at his neighbor. "Put down that cheap ass beer or I'll open fire. I have the real thing right here," He pulled out a bottle of Hennessy Ellipse that probably cost him half a of Adam's salary.

"Thanks, but I should stop drinking anyway."

"Chill, bro, you have a free pass to go apeshit on the booze. Just park your car here and come take it back tomorrow; it's a 15 minute walk back to your place. Hell, I can give you a lift, I'm not that baked yet."

"No, it's not that. I've got to get up early tomorrow. Do the garden, paint the fence. Rose made me a chore list from here to mid-December."

"Tell me about it." Liam gave him a sympathetic pat, which made Adam cough. The man didn't know his own strength, or probably did and it was a macho thing. "I learned in the Army how to kill someone with a knife, and I learned from my dad how to make a sweet deal on spare car parts. But once you get married and buy your own house you're supposed to become overnight an expert technician, electrician, gardener, painter and a carpenter. Michelle sometimes wants to talk about our relationship, I tell her there is nothing to discuss. It's an employer employee relationship, you command, I do."

"House chores, Jesus, one thing I could go without. Fucking routine."

Liam raised his glass. "Routine should be outlawed, it kills the human spirit."

"Damn right," Adam couldn't remember when he last felt such a brotherly bond. It wasn't just the beer in his veins; something about Liam was very likeable. "It's the routine that's killing our social life. It's killing the romance."

"I hear you, brother." Liam said.

"You come back to the same house every day, the same bed, the same woman, the same woman sleeping in that same bed."

"Yeah. Wait, what?"

"I know my wife at thirty two still looks like a hot chick; but you can get tired of eating hot chicken day after day; sometimes you just wanna bite on a juicy brown steak." Adam had his eyes back on Michelle's butt.

"Okay, hello there little buddy, I think that maybe you had enough," Liam said.

"You had me at hello," Adam said and they both burst out laughing. "But seriously dude, I heard you and Michelle have a solution for the routine problem."

"What?" Liam sobered up in a flash. "What did you hear?"

So fast, in fact, that Adam decided that he might have made a mistake. "Nothing, dude."

"What did you hear, Adam?"

"That you and your wife, I mean you and Michelle, I mean... You know what I mean."

"What did you hear, Adam?"

"That you swap."

"Who told you that?"

"Don't get all fired up, Liam, it's just talk."

"Who?"

"Andrey Schwartz might have dropped a hint. But he's stupid."

"He's dead meat."

"Bro."

"Just a sec, the Goldmans are leaving. Gotta play the host part," Liam's friendly smile was up again. "Don't go anywhere, be right back after these messages."

"We should be going too."

"Come on, stay for a one more brewski, it's on the house."

"It's late, and we really don't want keep you up."

"Nonsense. Stay for a little while."

Adam felt it was more a command than a request.

"I wanna have a little word with you before you go," Liam said.

"About what?"

"About stuff. About routine." Liam went over to the door where Mike and Anastasia Goldman were saying their goodbyes to Michelle and Rose; making non-obligatory promises about getting together again that no side had the slightest inclination to keep.

Adam scanned his surroundings. A big house, three floors and a huge basement with a private gym. A huge garden, probably with a private gardener attached; an outside Jacuzzi and a sauna. He wouldn't mind a slice of that routine. And if a beauty like Michelle was his, he would never get tired of eating that chicken 24/7. She was super-hot, in that hot actress you've seen in that movie, kind of way. Out of your league and out of the question.

No, he wouldn't mind a bite of that routine at all.

"Seen anything that you like?" Liam jumped back on the couch, scaring Adam out of his reverie, "Except for my wife's ass, that is."

"Come on, man."

"You're right, you're right, that joke is getting old. I must be drunker than I figured. Tell me something, Adam, so Andrey said me and Michelle swap?"

"He's a douche."

"You think he was telling the truth?"

"It's none of my business, bro. I shouldn't have opened my big yapper. Too much beer, you know."

"Good answer. Actually, we do like to play sometimes with other good looking couples."

"Oh."

"You and Rose?"

"No, no, we don't. " Adam raised his beer to his lips and coughed. "We gave it a serious thought, me and Rose, "he lied, "though we never actually..."

"And you want to?"

Adam eyes went wide as soup plates. He gave Michelle a quick scan then looked back at Liam. "You mean...? Yeah. Sure. I mean, if you're okay with it."

Liam Nodded. He wasn't looking at Adam, he was checking out Rose, who was leaning over the stove. " I'll have to check on Michelle first, though."

"Oh." Adam felt his heartbeat go African drums style. He thought he should mention that the part about giving a serious thought to swinging was only half true. Meaning, Rose didn't have a clue that he even considered it, and she'll probably go for the loaded shotgun option if he ever mustered the cojones to pop the fantasy.

Liam went over to Michelle and dragged her away from Rose. They had a short exchange, and at one point Michelle raised her head and smiled warmly at Adam. He choked on his beer and sprayed it across the room.

"Are you embarrassing yourself too much for us to come here again?" Rose chose the worst possible moment to come over.

"No, I'm thinking about stuff."

"Stuff?"

"Routine. The erosion of lust, you know. That sort of shit."

"Six bottles of beer will do that to you every time. Stand up lover boy, in case you didn't notice, we're that annoying couple who stays after everyone else has gone."

"Give the man some air, Rose." Michelle sat her tiny ass near Adam. She took the bottle off his hands.

"Yeah, give him a moment, beautiful," Liam joined them, "he just found out that Michelle and I are swingers."

"And how many bottles did you have, Liam?"

"Really, we are, we love it."

"I used to love swinging too, when I was ten." Rose extended her hand to her husband, aiming to pull him back on his feet. "But then I ate too many cakes and broke the backyard's swing, my leg, and my pride. Since then, not so much. Come on, hubbie, let's swing our way back home."

"Rose, just a sec, I'm dead serious."

"Me too; they used to call me Rosie van Serious in..." She finally registered that Michelle had her hand on Adam's thigh, and to the fact that her husband's face was crimson red.

"What? Swingers, like in...?"

Liam nodded.

"Okay."

"So, what do you think, beautiful?"

"Good for you; let's go, Adam."

"Might be good for you too," Michelle said. "We think you are a very attractive couple," she rubbed Adam's thigh.

"Aha."

"Keep an open mind, Rose." Michelle hand didn't stop her caress. "We invited you because you sounded like a fun progressive couple; nothing like the cavemen in this town. Why not give it a shot? It's no biggie if you think about it, really. Harmless fun." Michelle's smile was a little strained. "Adam is hot, and you're a very beautiful woman."