I've decided to share my story, not because I'm proud of it, quite the contrary. I'm ashamed, and I know it's caused an unspoken rift in my friendship with Kara. I say unspoken because I'm not even certain she notices a change. But it's certainly a change that I feel, a kind of paranoia, stemming from my guilt.
I've recently found myself browsing online for others with similar experiences, in an attempt to try to better understand my feelings about it all. I've been amazed (and sometimes horrified) at the number of other women who share this common feeling of betrayal. It's been confusing, trying to make sense of this simultaneous feeling of guilt and exhilaration, but there is no denying it: when I find myself remembering the detailed events of that day, I can't help but feel this flush of excitement flow through me.
So judge me if you will, but here is my story:
My friend Kara and I have known each other for just over 9 years. We met at a children's play date she hosted when both of our sons were just babies. It was a good way to get to meet other young mothers in a social setting, and we've been close ever since. In fact, our sons continue to be good friends to this day, despite us recently moving almost two and a half hours away due to my husband's job.
Just over a month ago, her son celebrated his 9th birthday and she and her husband Jon hosted a birthday party for him and his friends. Parents were asked to drop their kids off at 1 pm and pick up was at 5 pm. Because I lived so far away, Kara suggested that I make the most of our drive and spend the night at their place.
Kara and I had always been close, but since moving away, we didn't get to see each other very often. My son was excited at the opportunity for a sleepover, but unfortunately, my husband Andrew was putting in long hours and wouldn't be able to join us. So my son and I packed a bag and set out on our own for Kara and Jon's place.
When we used to live in the same community, my husband and I used to get together with them quite often. Sometimes we would play card games, other times just talk about nothing, almost always over a few bottles of wine. The four of us were good friends, and I missed our time together.
With Kara and Jon, I always felt comfortable, like I could let loose and be myself. No one ever took themselves too seriously. We all drank, teased, and flirted with each other. I would joke about stealing Jon away for myself and Kara would fire back that I could have him, he was cramping her dating life anyhow. It was harmless fun between close friends. They were just easy to be around.
So needless to say, an overnight getaway to catch up with the two of them was something I had really been looking forward to.
Things played out as most kids' birthday parties do: blowing out candles, eating birthday cake, opening gifts, etc. There was me, Kara, her husband Jon, and 6 kids.
While the kids were finishing their birthday cake, Kara opened a bottle of wine, and we started catching up on each other's lives. By the time we finished our first bottle, her son was starting to open his gifts. Jon had one glass, but Kara and I polished off most of the bottle ourselves. It had been a while since we'd done this, and it was great to relax and catch up. As Kara and I laughed and told stories, Jon entertained the kids, helping them put together one of the Lego sets their son had gotten for his birthday. He was a bit of a big kid himself.
Before long, Kara went downstairs to retrieve another bottle of wine. Jon came into the kitchen, carrying some of the now shredded wrapping paper, and tossed it in the garbage. We bantered playfully back and forth, as we always had. He commented on how good I looked, and I teasingly stuck out my chest and batted my eyelashes.
"Well, I've been trying to stay in shape just for you." I played along.
He smiled and made a playful "Grrrrrrrr" sound.
Finally, Kara returned and handed the new bottle of wine to Jon.
"Serve us, peasant." she teased, loftily flipping her hair around and walking away from him.
"With pleasure, your highness," he responded.
Jon flirted almost as much as I did, it was just part of his charm. And as girls sometimes do, Kara had confided in me a couple of times (usually after copious amounts of wine) how great their sex life was. Apparently, he was very well endowed and knew his way around the bedroom, according to Kara. I would be lying if I said it didn't make me a touch curious.
After pouring all three of us a fresh glass of wine, Jon spoke up.
"Ladies, a toast," he said, raising his glass. "May you always
come
more than you
go
."
Kara rolled her eyes, and we laughed and raised our glasses together.
"Lately I've been doing a lot more
going
than
coming
, unfortunately," I responded, only half-joking.
Jon winked at me and said: "That's a shame, Erica. You need to make time for doing the nasty!"
Always the flirt, I responded. "It's not for lack of wanting, my dear."
I thought I saw him blush a little, and for some reason, I felt proud that I'd embarrassed him a bit with my witty comment.
Before long, their son was pleading to go outside for the water fight Kara had planned for them. Kara set her glass down and went into "mom mode", ushering them all outside to help get things set up.
"I guess I'll be back soon," she said, heading out the door. "Don't drink all the wine without me!"
"No promises," I said.
I walked to their living room window, admiring the incredible view.