Becoming a divorcee at my age had never crossed my mind. Now I was on of those statistics I used to read about. For quite some time now I had been trying to come to terms with how I, in my stupidity, had ruined what John and I had together. My thoughts had been around and through all of what I had done with Bill, and why I even allowed myself to do those things with him.
The drugs...well, I'm not sitting here saying that it was all the 'drugs' fault. Part of it had been the compliments and attention he paid to me. I had been feeling...old...plain...and not that it was John's fault, used up. Bill brought me out of my funk and actually made me feel beautiful.
While being with Bill had been exciting and sexually so, I knew that I loved my husband too. I let myself be talked into being with Bill more and more, and it got easier every time. The real truth was I was feeling sexy and beautiful with Bill, yet still the same old Sue with John.
That sex...part of me had been on fire for more and more of it. Bill had treated me more like a slut than John ever would have. Bill took what he wanted, nicely, but forcefully. It hadn't been so much Bill's cock size either. I mean, at times he actually bumped into my cervix deep in me and those 'bumps' hurt. Then we were involved in the accident. All that illicit sex had been discovered.
When John walked out on me I soon found out that I deeply loved him far more than I had ever realized. The pain I had caused him was not worth all the fun I thought I was having. I kicked myself time and again for having cheated on John with Bill. I asked myself why I hadn't just told John about my fears and desires. I had no answers.
The doctor I started to see helped me a lot, and many of the issues that made me ripe for taking had been brought out and laid to rest...yet I was still alone every night. After John hurt me while having sex that night...I just gave up. I thought John would never come back to me...his anger was too deep.
I made up my mind to wait however long it took to see if John would ever think about trying to be with me again. I didn't want any other man. I wanted my John. If I ever got the chance, I'd never...ever...let anything happen to us again. John was my happiness, and I knew that now. I was painfully aware that the chances of us being a couple again were extremely slight.
When John started dating that slut...okay, that's not fair, she probably really isn't a slut or a bitch at all...all the same, I felt like she...Nancy, was taking John away from me with a certainty that I couldn't prevent. Helpless, I could only watch as my one true love, the man I loved all these years, was driven away by the thoughts of what I had done, what I had become.
When he told me about his vacation I was curious why he even bothered, since we were barely friends anymore. I think I had a premonition that he was about to make a serious life changing decision, and I feared I would no longer be a part of his life...at all. Not that I deserved to be, but I clung to every little thread I could to keep him in my life.
His seeing only Nancy had caused me to be afraid too. I could see her influence on him was stronger than he admitted to himself, and I couldn't see how she was doing it either. I saw a man torn between loving me and loving someone else. I saw a man torn between hating me and wanting me too. The thought that it was entirely my fault, brought on by my cheating with Bill, caused me many sleepless nights.
I had never known such deep unhappiness as I felt now. I felt I had lost everything and each time I thought about what I had done for Bill that I hadn't done for John, I'd die a little inside. I knew that even with the help of the doctor, I would have a very difficult time surviving if and when John totally cut me loose. I imagined that the time for that was very near to hand too. If I could have, I'd have spilled all to his mom in hopes that she would be able to help me to come up with something...anything to fix things. I had known her only briefly, but she accepted me into her life without reservation. When she died I had felt like my own mother had died as well. She had been one of those kind, caring and loving people.
I imagine that if John's mom had still been alive, I may have thought differently about things and never cheated on him either. Well, I was telling myself that. When he told me about his father and why he wasn't in John's life anymore, I'd felt the loss and pain of my husband's words, taken them to heart.
That's why what I did with Bill was so mind twisting for me now. I had beaten myself up so many times wondering how I had been so stupidly and foolishly led astray by that man. I could come up with no reason...other than what I told John. Bill had made me feel beautiful, sexy and wanted. The sex we had, especially the way he 'took' what he wanted. Nice, yet firmly getting his desire.
Even when I knew he had drugged me and made me pliable to his desires...by the time I realized what he had done, I had already been with him without the added 'help'...and that just made me feel I then had no right to protest. After all...I'd willingly been with Bill by then, so what difference did it really make?
Now...I was alone, sad, and very lost. I'd felt used up before, not ever knowing exactly how that felt. I was on a thin line. Depression and unbidden, dark, troublesome thoughts often entered my mind, thoughts that I had talked to my doctor about. She pushed for me to take some drugs for that...but I felt I needed to feel this pain...for a while at least. To make sure I remembered just what I had thrown away.
It was a dangerous game I was playing with myself then. One that could end up with me dead and gone. I walked that line, the edges of it drawing me in and out many times a day. I thought deep down that if I lost John forever, I would rather be out of my misery than have to face myself each day.
When John called me that night, having gotten back from his vacation, I was surprised. That night too, I'd been depressed. I thought that he was about to cut me loose. I thought I had finally lost my John forever. He was going to take me out in a public place, then dump me.
I slept roughly the night before, nightmare after nightmare keeping me in a state of half sleep. I must have looked like hell that next day at work. I was thankful it was a Friday, so I wouldn't have to answer any questions about my appearance till Monday. If I was still alive then and if I still felt like living, I would answer those questions.
My life wasn't all darkness though. I still had John until he dumped me, and I could work with that for now. I only hoped that if and when he pushed me away he would be gentle and kind. I know I didn't deserve any kindness from him...but I hoped that he would still think well enough of me to take it easy.
Arriving early for our 'date' I almost left. I was fearful of what was to come and I didn't think I'd be able to handle his rejection. He sounded so very sure of himself on the phone...insistent on taking me out instead of a private time of just us. I steeled myself for what was to come and went inside.
Early as I was I was surprised to see John already waiting at the table. As the waiter left us, John looked at me and smiled. Smiled? I was unsure of what was going on in his mind, and his smile actually seemed to reach his eyes. Now I was doubly nervous...after what he had 'arranged' for Bill, and his having been so successful in getting it all done...what could I expect from him?
"Thank you for coming Sue. I'm really happy you came."
"Uh...well, I had to come and see what was so important and all John. Why did you cut your vacation short? Did you find yourself finally? Ready to make your choices?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact Sue, I have 'found myself' as you put it. The lodge owner...Cheryl...well it turned out she is a licensed Psychologist. She was able to help me so much more than that goof ball I was seeing. She brought out what was really bothering me, and after I thought about it, I knew what I had to do."
I heard his words and knew it was coming. He wasn't going to wait until after we had eaten...he was going to hit me with it now. I could see it in his eyes. He was enjoying his little game with me, and though I knew I deserved no better, I still was crying out deep inside for him to want me, to need me. I braced myself for what was to come.
