That Damn Dog

Let me qualify the statements in this story, and especially from the P.S. at the end. These are not my perception or knowledge of married life, I am not married, will never be a wife, well not to some guy at any rate. I feel like a spy in both camps, seeing the world from off to the side, uninvolved personally. I am but an amateur Anthropologist, collecting data and seeing how it all fits in to the life of the married couple. These sentiments do seem to ring true if you read and try to understand enough of the motives driving these authors. As I have read in the LW category, they are only hear-say, and read-say antidotes to the wonderfully frustrating institution of marriage.

I would like to thank the males in my life for helping with gathering, collating and revising my story. I would like to especially thank Britease for his patience in helping me iron out the kinks, making it more reader friendly.

Personally, I don't see what you guys have to complain about, but then again, as James says at the end, I am but female and definitely not married...lol

There is no intent to slander any person, sect, race, nationality, creed, gender, or religion, and all humour, if any, at one group/s expense isn't intended to malign or disparage said group/s, but rather to take a slightly skewed if not humorous look from the other's side of the coin. No offence is meant or implied. I really do love our world and all the diversity of the creatures within it.

I wouldn't be dead for quids!  Otto's saying, I had to Google quids to find out what he meant...Okay, so I'm a post-dollar girl. Lol

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"Don't forget we're due at Carol and Bennie's by six tonight!" Kelly reminded me.

Sorry, Let me start again! I'm James Barrymore, her husband... Kelly's that is, the wonderful loving wife I married six years ago... got the picture? Good!

With irritation under my skin, I grumbled. "No problem sweetheart, I just have to drop off some technical data sheets over to Lennard before he takes off on his trip. I won't be more than an hour at most."

Kelly slunk around the bedroom door, her well proportioned five foot four figure draped sensually against the open doorway, blonde hair cascading down over her shoulders, a pert creamy breast struggling to mould its C cup form against the contrasting white painted timber of the doorjamb. I noted with more than rising interest, a hint of nipple showing tantalisingly succulent, just past the edge of the frame, her fiercely bright blue eyes flashing with unbridled mischief.

Sorry to break your concentration, but Kelly actually has rich auburn hair and for the life of me, I can't understand why she persists on dying it blonde. Okay, so I like blonde-hair on my women, but that doesn't mean I don't like her hair the natural way either.

"That's what you always say Jim!" Sorry, that's in connection to my trip over to Lennard to drop off those papers I told her about, not her dyed hair.

"I'm starting to get ready now, and I want your solemn word that you won't get caught up talking shop like you always do."

Damn, now she broke my concentration on said nipple, a little bit like I did to yours just before, and Kelly noticed the exasperated look she got from me at shorting my name. It was her way of showing her displeasure and irritation. What'd you expect; I was lost in fantasyland; talk about a mood killer!

"I don't know why we have to spend so much of our free time socialising with that bunch of reprobates."

Kelly's eyebrow lifted in response, "And what, may ask is that suppose to mean?"

I sighed but continued, "You know I have nothing in common with any of the blokes, and I feel like prey when I'm left in close quarters with any of their wives. That last barbeque here, Pam as much as made it clear that all I had to do was nod, and she would have dragged me off by the balls to our bedroom. And, another thing to consider; I didn't like the way her husband was monopolising your time either."

I could see more than a hint of anger rise in those mischievous eyes at my summation of her friends, and her eyebrow rose even further in annoyance as she stiffened. "I resent you calling our friends reprobates, Jim! For the life of me, I have no idea what has gotten into you!"

There she goes with the Jim shit again.

To get a little more of a poke back at me, she commented, "Was my sweet little hubby jealous of Chad? Maybe if, you had taken Pam up on her invitation, you would not feel so much like an outsider. I can't believe that your ego wasn't boosted by her attention."

I felt a cold chill run though me. A little oral flirting is one thing, but out an out, in your face seduction is quite another, and the annoyance reflected my response, "Are you saying that you aren't in the least bit worried that one of your best friends is hitting on me?"

Kelly must have realised that she may have overstepped the mark, because the back peddling was quick smart. "No baby! That's not what I'm saying Jim. Pam is just a very touchy feely person, that's all. I'm absolutely sure that she didn't mean anything by it. Now hurry up and besides, I know just how good I am, and I know that no other females could ever compare to me. Now hurry up and get back here in time for once."

Have I told you that vanity is a female trait? Yeah, it's like ego is to us males, just more expensive and labour intensive to maintain!

Kelly sidled up to me as a last gesture. "Play your cards right buster and you could very well be getting lucky tonight." Running her finger lightly over my cheek, she turned seductively and sauntered off into our bedroom. My blood rose, watching, as her french-cut lace knickers swayed, and disappeared from sight.

I sighed and grabbed my coat and briefcase as I headed out the door, rearranging myself as I pulled my keys from my pocket. "Damn that woman knows how to get to me!"

Right from the beginning of our marriage, Kelly had decided not to work apart from some charities she volunteered for, instead, opting to be a stay at home wife, and in the near future, mother. I never mind her decision, though it did have its drawbacks. It gave her an unrealistic view of what it took to bring home an income. When I should have been feeling excited about the upcoming evening, I couldn't shake a feeling of impending doom hanging over my head. I just couldn't put my finger on it, but for the last couple of months, things just haven't been quite right in our household.

~...~

This particular shindig was at Caroline and Benjamin's place, and when we came through the house and out into the backyard, I noticed the gang of four couples huddling off in the gazebo. It may have been my overactive imagination, but they all had a conspiratorial air about them. I was relieved that there were atleast another half dozen or so other couples and some singles, so there seemed to be enough here to occupy my time without having to converse all night with, as I considered them, The Kelly Gang.

It didn't surprise me in the least when Kelly steered us straight to the gazebo, wonders will never cease! A chorus of greetings followed, "Kel! Jimmy!"

"Damn the pricks, they just won't give up on shortening my name!" Was my first thought and the evening hadn't even started. Nothing abrades me more than bastardising my name.

Okay, I know what you're thinking, "Bugger me he's anal about his name!"

Look at it this way; let's say for argument sake, that you came to my place and I asked what you would like to drink, and you said coffee. What would you expect? You'd expect to be given coffee, wouldn't you? Well, not this bunch of morons, they'll keep bringing you tea. Now if you like tea, that's not a problem, but if you're like me and you absolutely hate tea, then it's a slap in the face in my opinion. Enough said about that subject!

"Good to see you got here at a respectable hour!" Was Carol's not so subtle reminder to me.

Okay so I have, on a few occasions been known to be a tad late for functions, especially ones having anything to do with Kelly's gang.

My face darkened, but I held my temper in check, "Carol, Ben, Pam, Chad, Liz, Norm, Sue, Mal. You all look very cosy in there?" Fuck'em all, they don't seem to care about being called by a nickname and I try hard to be amenable but sometimes it just gets my goat.

Their names are actually Caroline, and Benjamin, Pamela and Chadwick, then there's Elizabeth and Norman, and bring up the rear is Suzanne and Malcolm.

Ok you got me; I can probably forgive Chad, as who the fuck would want to call a child Chadwick? Chad's bad enough!

Now Beth? Liz? Ebeth? EB? I don't know? Damn, that woman will answer to any name they give her. She has more variations to her name than Spaniard's have names! Nevertheless, I do understand why. You see, she only has two grey cells floating around in that neatly coiffure hair of hers, and no road map for either of them to find each other! You guessed it, she's a fucking airhead. Call her dog shit and she'd giggle at you!

Pam rose to greet Kelly, "My god woman, you look good enough to eat!" Kelly giggled at the compliment.

Sometimes I seriously wonder why I married Kelly. She can at times, be almost an airhead herself, and I shuddered inwardly, my feeling of negative kismet just getting stronger.

Norm parted from Mal to let Kelly wriggle in. "Don't mind James, he's just a little stressed from too much work, aren't you dear?" Kelly chirped as she beckoned to me. "Come on sweetie, there's still room. Beth and Sue won't mind if you squeeze in between them."

Sue shuffled across, patted the seat beside her, while Beth winked at me, and commented, "I won't bite...too hard." Then she fucking giggled again! Bloody hell, she actually did managed two thought processes at one time.

I wondered, "Was she's being tutored?"

Okay, I think this is about time to describe these so called friends of Kelly's, and I use the description, friends advisedly. Carol gives me the feeling that she's sitting on a branch eyeing everyone, watching for easy pickings, waiting for you to lay down somewhere. Does a vulture come to mind; well it should, because that's exactly how she looks at you!

You know about Beth, the airhead, well Carol's husband Ben is her counterpart. He has a saying, which is a surprise in itself, "Use it or lose it!" Ok, so it's not exactly lengthy or thought provoking, but I get the distinct impression that's exactly why he's just all muscle!

What can I say about Pam and Chad? Okay, how about this, Sleazeballs United! I'm sure they were fornicating all over each other before they got out of the pod, that's right, two peas, a marriage made in...I don't know? If it's not hell, then I'm damn sure that they'll be heading that way in the hereafter.

Is my prejudice showing? Too bad!

While Beth maybe an airhead, she doesn't pretend to be smart. Norman her husband thinks he's Einstein, but I can see where his thinking is a little flawed. Hell, if you hung around Beth for as long as he has, then thinking that way would have to be a given, wouldn't it?

Really, his IQ is ten points below mine, and I'm certainly no genius! And that's from what I saw of a stupid test they all thought was a neat idea at the time. Mine came in at one twenty five, as I said, no genius, and Norman got a little irritable when he didn't score top of the class. 'Say la vie!' Whatever, however it's spelt, that's how I think it's pronounced...

Mal's wife Sue is a motor mouth! Fair dinkum, if they had radar cameras for speech, then she'd get done, doing a ton in the school zone, and for those who don't know, around my way, that's forty kph, okay, got it, good. I keep forgetting to buy myself a pocket voice recorder, so I can play her conversation back at half speed later, just to see if there is actually some intelligence behind what she's yabbering on about ... or not, because for the life of me, I get tired just listening to the bitch.

Last but certainly not least is Mal! Good ol'Mal. Let me first qualify my assessment here. I can be jovial or crack jokes; sometimes they sink like a lead balloon, or go over like a fart in a perfume factory. I have my moments though; sometimes I'm out for duck, and sometimes I can hit a century. It all depends on the crowd I'm with and how much I've had to drink.

I can be romantic, especially when there's a nice set of tits and legs involved, but I do have my failures, and again it's all relative to how much alcohol I've consumed. Take our last year's anniversary for instance; I actually remembered the bastard for once, holy snapping duck shit! Can you believe that, although ask Kelly and she tell you different. I suppose it was my fault entirely for dropping into The Tavern on the way home with a half dozen long stem roses and a box of chocolates.

Well, wouldn't you? I was feeling good about remembering this monumental occasion, the big fifth. Okay so I got a tad waylaid, these things happen from time to time. Now I'm lucky that I only live a couple of hundred yards down the road from The Tavern, not that that saved my sorry arse at all. They say, if you drink and drive, then you're a blood idiot! Well now I totally agree, because if I hadn't driven, then I wouldn't have sat on them bloody roses. I woke up next morning with a rose stem stapled to me arse and a head the size of a fucking watermelon.

That's not the bad bit though. Fuck no! I staggered out to the car, surprised to find it actually there in the drive, along with the mates to the stem sticking to me arse laying on the ground by the driver's door. Fucked if I know where the chocolates went! Now I'm really fucked, and not the way I was planning on either. Well a bouquet of long stems with no red bulbie bits on top and no chocolates just doesn't have the same appeal, now does it? The last thing I remember is my mates slapping me on the back, felicitating me a happy day, and the fact that I remembered it...on the day, and not a bloody week later wondering why I'm in the fucking dog house.

But I'm still in the dog house, aren't I. Isn't it the thought that counts? Well not to Kelly, it isn't! She decided not to understand. Man can't win for losing! Now don't go getting it in your head that I'm a piss pot, as I rarely get tanked, maybe once or twice a year, most of the time it's just one or two mid-strength stubbies and I'm right. It's just my timing I'm having a little trouble with.

I can even be serious and intellectual even, but that's best done totally sober. So you see, I can change as needs be, given the atmosphere, enough time to get into character; you working with me here, know where I'm coming from? But I'm not a fucking light switch, Jesus H Christ in a handbag, Norm's worse than a woman when it come to changing his mind!

So you see Mal is quite a different of kettle fish altogether, good ol'Mal the chameleon. That's right, a fucking chameleon, it doesn't matter who he's with, he takes on their persona. He blends in to the scenery, right up to a point of becoming annoying white noise. If the others are mean and nasty, then he's just as bad, but if they're nice, he can do a back flip and become nice so fast you'd get whiplash just watching him.

So now you know the reasons for not wanting to be anywhere near this lot. However I digress, now where were we? Ohhh yeah, that's right, I was being lured into the lion's den!

I held my hand up at the thought. "I think I'll go and get some refreshments first." Chad held up his beer can, "While you're there, another won't go astray for me either...Jimmie, me old mate!" I heard the inflection in his tone of voice and felt my hackles rise. "Steady there James, me old mate, he just goading you!" I thought to myself, so I ignored him and asked, "Anyone else need a refill while I'm there?"

"Five minutes, five fucking minutes!" I mumbled to myself as I ventured over to the bar. "That's all it took, and I want to strangle every last damn one of those morons!"

After bringing back the tray of drinks, I caught Liz and Sue out of the corner of my eye. They were still giggling like silly schoolgirls on a first date and patting the seat, obviously inviting me to sit.

Ooops, I forgot to tell ya, these so called women aren't teenagers here. No, they're in their late twenties to early thirties, so now can you see why I think their giggling needs curtailing.

Putting the tray down on the proffered seat, I took my drink up. "I just saw Franklin over there! I think I'll go see how his ski boat is coming along."

Good old Franklin, lifesaver extraordinaire, no really, he is a lifesaver, you know patrols the beaches looking for damsels in distress ... or dat dress...OK lead balloon, got ya!

"He should have it back in the water by now." Without giving anyone time to object, I turned, but not before seeing what looked like frustration plastered all over Kelly's face. "I'm here my dear! You've dragged the horse to water, but don't expect me to be drinking with your cronies!" I chuckled to myself; I love it when I have a win.

Hey don't knock it. You would too if you saw my track record.

I managed for most of the evening to avoid close quarter with any of Kelly's gang, but kept an eagle eye on her and her cohorts. Kelly was never out of sight more than five to ten minutes, although she did seem to disappear quite frequently and this annoyed me somewhat.

After quietly mingling and chatting with most of the guests, Caroline cornered me next to the makeshift bar. "There you are stranger!" I turned to see Caroline topping up her glass with white wine.

"Hi Carol, the party looks to be cruising along nicely!" I had to say something and that was about as innocuous a comment as I could manage on short notice, I really felt a twinge of umbrage, but managed to conceal it.

I couldn't help but notice as Carol twisted and scanned the scene giving me an open view of her bust line, and if I didn't miss my guess, she can't be wearing a bra. "Yes, I think everyone's having a nice time. How about you Jim, are you having a good time?" Carol turned back to me and looked me straight in the eye, "Is something bothering you Jimmy? You seem to be a little distant today."

Did I mention the thing about continually bastardising of my name? I'm sure I have, I know I've brought it up to them on several occasions. None of the arseholes seemed to care about my stand on the subject. I now just had to accept that they do not intend to give in. I'm repeating myself aren't I? Sorry. Kelly say I have a habit of it, says I get side tracked a lot too. Shut up, back to the story!

With an inaudible sigh I quipped, "No! Not really Carol, why do you ask?" Realising at the very last damn minute that my question invited a fucking response that I wasn't the least bit interested in hearing.

Carol chewed her bottom lip for a second. "Ohhh it's nothing really, EB just thought that maybe she had said or done something to offend you when you first arrived. She didn't mean anything by that comment about biting."

Damn, that's a new one! If Beth has just got herself a new identity, I wonder if the taxation people know they're dealing with multiple identity disorder when they're dealing with Elizabeth McIntire? Come to think of it! Does Norm find himself in bed with different women every night; maybe he's not a dumb as I thought he was?

Nahhh, doesn't matter how many women you think you're boffing, it's got to be a strain on you, especially if they're all sharing the same two grey cells.

I studied Carol's face to see what, if anything it revealed. It didn't look like concern or even worry, but more like indecision. It's hard to tell with vultures that just look continually hungry. "No Carol, I'm fine. .........E, ahhh Beth can stop worrying! Her statement didn't upset me at all, I just feel a little uncomfortable in tight situations. Franklin has offered to take Kelly and me out water skiing after he gets his boat seaworthy. I just wanted to see if he'd finished reconditioning the motor."