The next week at work was just simple hard work. I was beginning to realise that I was still trying to do my old job, plus project managing the ITP project, and that was hard work. The ITP team had been demoralised, they needed time and loving care. But loving care cost time, and time was something that neither the project nor I had. On top of that, I had to build a new relationship with Neil as my new line manager, and play my role as a senior member of the company management team. My hours began to stretch.
In some ways I didn't mind that. Less time to pick at my emotional wounds, and maybe, as my Mother would say 'it'll only get better if you don't pick it' But work was hard work, and totally exhausting, and I still missed Beth to go home to with her understanding, help and support on tough days.
One bit of good news was that ITP had decided to pay half their instalment payment as a matter of good will. That cheered Neil up, and it helps to have a happy boss.
On Thursday I spent half the day interviewing new secretaries. This was new to me, interviewing programmers and other technical staff I could manage, I'd been interviewing them for years. But not secretaries. Luckily, Personnel were there to support. We did all the interviewing in their offices, and they did everything but the personal bit. I told them about the department and a little about me. We interviewed five, and by number four I was getting the hang of it. Unfortunately, it was number three who seemed the best, and she hadn't seen me at my best.
Anyway, myself and Personnel agreed, number three it would be, assuming she accepted. She was an attractive woman of twenty-four, called Davinia. And she liked amateur dramatics and crosswords, so she would fit in all right.
After work I went over to the pub with Dave.
"I saw you had a pleasant afternoon." was his opening gambit.
"What, interviewing secretaries? And how did you know?"
"Ah! Well....you see, I quite fancy Deana Treifuss in Accounts. And what floor is Accounts on?"
"The same one as Personnel. OK." I realised.
"Well choosing a secretary is easy. Big boobs and says yes to whatever is asked." he said with a leer.
"Do you really believe that?" I thought that he was being a bit too sexist, even for the pub and between mates, well before the third pint anyway, and even then only in the presence of some girls who you really want to annoy.
"No. You know I don't. But I've got an image to keep up. Did you find one?"
"Yes. I nice girl called Davinia. And keep your grubby little hands off. I could do without lover's tiffs in the office, especially if they involve my secretary."
"So you fancy her then." Was his only comment. And the trouble was, he could be right.
On Friday, Phil and Denny came round to Blindside for supper. Phil had made no secret of it when he had phoned me on Wednesday, Denny needed to look round. What I didn't know was that Denny had seen Beth on Tuesday. Obviously their Tuesday nights at Not Steinbeck's were becoming routine.
I asked how Beth had been. Denny looked nervously at Phil before she answered, "She told me about your Meissen plate story. I think, somehow it's changed her. She now really understands that you've gone and probably for good. It's taken this long for that to get through to her. I don't think she's got that much further in her thinking though. I asked her why she did it, and she couldn't answer. I asked: was Ken really attractive to her, there must have been something there between them. But she said he had a sort of mature glamour, that was her phrase, but not much else. I tried asking her: hadn't she realised that she was risking losing her whole marriage, didn't she realise why the wedding service had made her promise to be faithful, the forsaking all others bit? But she would only say that was a matter for the theologians, and they hadn't faced a randy Ken in full seduction mode on a boring afternoon? I think she was just trying to laugh it off."
Phil obviously hadn't heard this bit, because he asked "Is she saying Ken seduced her? That all of this is down to Ken? Is that her excuse?"
Denny looked at him, before she defended her friend. "No. I do think Ken did work hard to make it happen, but she wasn't really trying to absolve herself of having given in. In fact, half her problem is that everything is totally her fault, without any excuse whatsoever. She doesn't even try to work out what made her do it. But she will. She's got to. Or she will if I have anything to do with it." she turned to look at me "That's nothing to do with you, Tim. She needs to do that for her own sake."
"Let me know when she has. I'd like to know the reason for this whole damn mess, even if it doesn't put it right." Was my only reply, and then I took a large gulp of wine. "It can't put it right."
Two more weeks went by, mainly more hard work, long hours of travelling to keep clients happy, and some long heart to hearts with a couple of key guys on the ITP team, just to keep them on track.
August started on the first, but then again it usually does, only this one was a Monday, and Davinia's first day. I introduced her to some of the department, and some key players in the Company, like Neil's secretary. I didn't want to feed her to too many lions on one day. She really was a nice person. Nice enough that I found an excuse to invite her to lunch on Wednesday.
"Oh, that's very nice of you Tim, but really you don't have to." I think she was genuinely surprised.
"Sorry, it's part of your duties. Helping the boss fill in some important gaps in his life."
"Such as?" she asked dubiously.
"Like accompanying me to Not Steinbeck's. Don't tell me it's one of your favourite haunts. Everyone I know is in and out of there all the time, and I've not been since they opened."
"Actually they do quite a good chilli there." she looked quite happy.
"I knew it! I bloody knew it! Now your committed, you've got to come with me."
We had quite a good lunch. She had a good sense of humour, and easy to talk to. Unfortunately, I learnt that she was two years into a pretty firm affair, with a live in boyfriend, a school teacher. OK, he was going through a bit of a funny stage, having given up teaching at the end of the last term, and seemed to be showing no signs of taking up any other career, in fact currently he was a kept man. I could always introduce her to Jean.
We went back to the office, walking together easily, laughing and joking. We bumped into Dave as we came into Reception. I stopped for a business word with him, she went on to the department. We watched her leave. Dave told me not to bother, she had a live in boyfriend. He doesn't waste time, it was only her third day. But who was I to talk?
The next day, Dave and Alice came round for an impromptu barbeque on my roof terrace. There is definitely something between those two, they really ought to get their act together. If they don't I can imagine myself making a play for Alice sometime in the future, when I get round to risking my first foray into that dangerous world of relationships. But not yet, I was beginning to like my single life. I was beginning to notice that I was fancying women again, and even more important, I was feeling good, I even thought that one of them might fancy me.
Then we got to my wedding anniversary on 11th August. It fell on a Thursday, and it sort of glowed as a date on my calendar at work and in my diary.
On the Wednesday, Denny phoned me. Apparently she had seen Beth the night before, as usual. And Beth was very uptight about what to do. Should she send me a card? Should she send me a present? Should she try to meet me? So, Denny wanted to know what I was going to do. Nothing was my simple answer. I was going to work hard and late and hope that it would pass without me having to think. What else could I do?
That Wednesday was a lovely warm summer's evening. I sat on my terrace and thought of Beth. I thought of our previous anniversaries. In the last couple of years we had taken to just having a special meal at home, to save money as the house demanded every penny we had. But we would dress up, eat well, dance together by candlelight and make love. We didn't need expensive restaurants, we had each other. It all made me very sad, and I cried. I had thought I was over the crying bit, but I still wanted her so much it hurt. Oh! Why had she destroyed it all?
On the Thursday I got home at about nine o'clock after another late night at my desk. There, on the iron staircase to my front door sat Beth. She stood as I approached. "Hello. You promised me that you would show me round. I thought tonight might be a good time."
I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I led the way up the stairs and opened the front door. She went in. I showed her around, it didn't take long, with a formal commentary from me. Eventually we were back in the living room, facing each other. She looked good, so very good.
"It's lovely Tim. I can see why you wanted it. And you've made it look good with the things you brought. Those cushions look good on that sofa."
"Would you like a drink? I don't keep any champagne anymore, there's not a lot to celebrate these days." The hurt was bubbling up again.
She ignored my barb. "Some white wine, if you have it. Please."
I opened a bottle from the fridge and poured two glasses. I passed her a glass "You're looking good Beth. I could almost fancy you." I tried joking, but it didn't work. Dammit! I did fancy her.
"Thank you." she looked at me, but I don't know what she read in my eyes. "How are you, Tim? Are you happy?"
"No, of course I'm not happy. But it's getting better. This place helps, and I'm working hard, doing long hours. Did you wait for me for a long time?"
"It didn't matter. I am sorry Tim. I know I've hurt you a lot. I've hurt myself a lot as well. I was a fool."
"Don't let's go over it again. There's no point, Beth. You broke the rules and this is the result. I wish it wasn't, but you never gave me reason to think anything different."
"And now?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I answered her question with a question.
"Would you let me talk to you now? Now that we've both tasted the future, would you talk to me now?"
"No. Not about what maybe. There is no maybe for us until we talk about the whats and whys of the past. You know that Beth. And even then..."
