Tested

The nurse looked and greeted the next patient. She seemed familiar to her. The woman had a big smile and happy expression seldom seen in this part of the clinic.

"Yes, how may I help you?"

"I'm here for my STD test."

"Now I remember. Didn't you have the same test last week?"

"Yes."

"It's unusual to have the same test so close in time. Usually only the hook . . . prostitutes do that."

"I am not a prostitute, thank you." The woman now appeared indignant.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to judge you. I just wondered why you had two tests so close together in time."

"I have to."

"You have to? Forgive me if I sound nosy, but why do you have to?"

"If you must know, it's a condition for my husband and I to stay married."

"You've got me interested now. Please, do explain."

"My husband caught me having an affair. I begged him for a second chance. I was so happy he was willing to forgive me that I was willing to meet his conditions for staying married."

"So, you get tested twice for STDs and then everything is all right?"

The woman was getting exasperated. "No. I get will be tested for him every two weeks. I get tested here on Mondays. I show him my test results on Friday. We make love all weekend and . . . "

"All weekend? Literally?"

"Well, after dinner Friday night we start going at it for at least four hours. I start Saturday morning sucking away his morning wood. We spend the morning doing chores. At noon we have a quickie in some new place in the house or the car or the shed. More chores or shopping in the afternoon. Saturday night we go out for supper and then home for another four hours of sex. Sunday morning, I take care of the morning wood again. We go to church and then we socialize with friends or neighbors. Sunday night we snuggle and watch a movie together. During the week and next weekend, we have sex if we want to, but it has to be spontaneous. The cycle starts again with the testing, no sex during the week, Friday results and on it goes."

"And this arrangement works for you?"

"Yes. Sex with my husband is better than ever."

"I see. Your arrangement is very interesting. Has this stopped your desire for other men?"

The woman was silent for a while. "Do we have a doctor-patient confidentiality agreement in place?"

"Nurse-patient. It's the same as doctor-patient."

"My desire for other men has not stopped. My trysts have had to become very regimented. I have to get tested every two weeks for hubbie. I get tested every week for me. If I get a STD, I can get it cured before the next test. Then I wait as long as possible for the antibiotics to work, and I pay extra for a rapid result test."

"It sounds like a dangerous game to play."

"It is and that's one of the things that makes it so exciting."

"Have you ever contracted a STD?"

"Just once, thank goodness. It was one of the guys in the accounting department where I work. After I told him about my STD, he admitted he had been to a prostitute just before having sex with me, the asshole. I said he had to tell his wife, but he said he didn't because he had not had sex with her since he saw the prostitute and gotten treated. She had some vaginal problem, and they couldn't have sex during that time. He got lucky."

"Well, luck doesn't always hold."

"Huh?"

"I mean, having indiscriminate sex is like playing Russian Roulette with an STD bullet in the gun."

"Well, I don't intend on doing it forever. I plan to start having kids in a couple of years. I'll probably stop by then."

"Well, let's get on with the testing." I swabbed her arm, stuck the needle in, and filled the vial. I pulled the needle out and taped on a small cotton ball."

*****

AT THE NURSE'S HOME

"Hello, how was your day? Get any more needles stuck in someone's arm?"

"You're never going to let me live that down, are you? Well, something interesting did happen today. Do you remember when I had that vaginal infection and you had to work in your accounting job so late a couple of nights?"