Tales from Behind the Bar # 1: On the Radio
Hey good evening how ya doin? Welcome to the Midnight Bar and Grill. I’m Sam the owner. My wife and I built this place from nothing 15 years ago. I think she’d be proud of it now God rest her soul. Anyway Mr. Bishop told me to expect you from time to time. I see you already got your notepad and pencil ready. He seems to think that I may have a few tales, tall and otherwise to tell. Mind you as a bartender I do hear a lot of stories. Some are mundane, some wild and some totally unbelievable. Normally I wouldn’t tell some of them but Mr. Bishop has been a friend of mine for a lot of years. He says you’re ok and that’s enough for me. Stop by every now and then and I’ll be happy to share some stories with you.
Since this is your first time here I thought that rather than tell you one that was told to me I’d relate one that I was actively involved in. Thought about my niece Phoebe but actually I came in on the ass end of that. Instead let me tell you about my other niece Denise.
My niece Denise Carter is a pretty woman taller than most at 5’9” in bare feet. She weighs 150 pounds has a pretty face with a light caramel complexion. She wears her hair long, a little below the shoulders. She’s every bit a thick 38C-25-37 with legs and an ass that get most men in trouble with their women. She’s married to Jeff Carter 6’2” a lean 210 lbs, with a medium dark complexion and short cut hair. A smart and intense man they been married for 10 years. Let me clarify that married 10 separated 11 months. How did they separate? Good question. The tape I’m about to play for you will actually begin the story. Jeff gave me a copy after the explosion. It’s from a morning radio show. The late morning show hosted by the Top Jock D J Rock. His real name is Daniel Jerome Rockingham but that won’t work on the radio. He and his morning crew got a pretty good thing goin. Anyway here’s the first part of the tape:
“Hey this is the Top Jock DJ Rock with this mornings question straight from the Tom Jointed Morning Program, which is:”
“WHICH OF YOUR MATES PARTNERS WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO GET WITH?”
I stopped the tape to give you some more background. You see Denise was crazy about Jeff the first time she met him. Ha ha. I remember when she came running to tell me how she had just met her future husband. She talked about him for an hour non-stop. I thought she'd been smokin somethin. She swore she would marry him. Damned if she wasn’t right. 18 months later they jumped the broom and they seemed to be a perfect couple until the day that this happened, but let the tape tell it.
“
You got the Top Jock here, who’s this?”
“Hi Rock this is Denise from the NW side!”
“Hey Denise! Who is that person that you’d most like to get with?”
“Weeell I’d have to say without a doubt it would be my husband’s best friend Marc.”
(There’s a chorus of OOOOO’s as the radio crew chimes in)
“Whooo you husband’s best friend Marc?”
“OH yeah Rock, the man got it goin on!”
“Oh so he’s all that huh? Just how fine is he?”
“Rock he changes ladies like you and I change clothes but don’t none of them ever seem to get mad at him. I’ve even set him up with some of my girlfriends but it’s like he loves em and leaves em. But don’t none of them stay mad at him or say anything bad about him. They all say he’s that dam good!”
“Changes ladies like you and I change clothes? And nobodies mad about it? Hooo sounds like Playa Playa got it goin on.”
“Well all I can say is that on nights when Marc and my husband get together I can’t hang around them to long.”
“Oh why’s that?”
“Because if I do I can’t break my husband off any that night.”
(The whole radio crew screams with laughter)
“Denise! Girlfriend what’s up wid dat! You mean you won’t give your husband none?”
“Noooo! Uh uh! I love my husband but I can’t risk it. I might scream out Marks name when it gets real good.”
(Again the crew rolls with laughter.)
“AAAHHH no you didn’t say that. Tell me you didn’t say that.”
“Rock I’m telling you he’s that fine.”
“Hey Denise, ain’t you takin a huge risk by callin this in? I mean your husband could be listening right now!”
“Whoa No, he’s out of town for a week. If he was anywhere in the listening area you know I wouldn’t be callin. You wouldn’t hear a peep out of me.”
“So you won’t accidentally scream out his name I got ya!”
As you can hear the whole crew got big kicks out of her call. I have to admit if I had heard it the first time and not known it was my niece Denise I probably would have been rollin myself. I didn’t hear the actual tape till after the fact, after things had exploded.
It was a slow Monday night (no football) when suddenly Denise burst thru the front door and made a beeline for my office. I’ve always told my young relatives that they can come to me with anything; my door is always open to them. Usually when I see them it’s for some extra money. Some rare times they’ll want advice or an alibi. This night however I quickly put away some glasses and went to my office. I could tell from the moment she hit the door that something was very wrong. When I got to my office she was sitting on my sofa with her face buried in her hands. I sat beside her and spoke softly so as not to startle her.
“Dee? Child what’s wrong?”
She slowly raised her head wiping the tear streaks from her face. Her eyes were puffy, she’d been crying for some time. She never looked at me, just stared straight ahead. When she spoke she struggled to keep from sobbing. Her hands were grappling with some imaginary object as she struggled to get the words out.
“Unc, Uncle Samuel I-I messed up. Bad.”