"Honey, I've been thinking..."
This is one of the phrases that instantly gets a husband's attention. It sits right up there with "honey we have to talk" which means "I'm pissed off at you, or "I've done something you won't like," or "does this dress look good on me" which is always an attempt to either get you to tell her she's the most gorgeous hunk of woman you know or to see if you will really tell her what you think. Sorry guys, no way to win your way out o f this trap. Either suck it up and hope since you have a 50/50 shot at glory, or go with guile and say "oh sweetie, it looks as good as it ever did." There is also the "if you love me....." Clause which means she knows you'll object but she wants you to do it anyway, "the I just did this for you so..." Request which means she knows she is asking a lot, but wants to make it look smaller by mentioning something she has done in a pre-emptive trade. Or my personal favorite, the ever irresistible "I'll make it worth your while" which is always accompanied by a flash of boob or leg, or if it is really a big deal, a grope and a kiss. With tongue.
Of course, most of those are easy to handle. I have difficulty with "Honey I've been thinking." I could probably defuse the issue behind the statement by saying that thing that first pops into my mind, "Congratulations dear, there is a first time for everything." However, I don't like sleeping on the couch, so I am very good at holding my tongue.
This time I should have said it. I should have short circuited what she was about to say, because her big idea pretty well disintegrated my interest in sleeping with her anyway. Yeah the couch looks good to me today.
"Our life has changed so much. The kids are out on their own, we are financially secure, we have no worries. But still we are locked into the routines we built over the last 25 years. Get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, kiss goodnight, go to sleep, repeat the next day. I want something exciting in my world."
I mulled it over. I considered our routines. I suggested travellling more on the weekends. Day trips to nearby attractions could be fun. I suggested adding to our subscriptions to the ballet which she loves, and our local baseball team, which I love. I suggested buying a boat or a motorcycle, tennis lessons, dance lessons, joining a bowling league, taking garden tours or doing book exchanges. These are all things we had either dreamed about or dallied in during our life together, so I thought I could rekindle some interests to spice up a life that had my lovely lady in the doldrums. My suggestions failed. Each and every one crashed and burned, until I suggested instead of kissing every night and having sex once every week or two, we have sex every night and kiss goodnight every week or two. I was kidding and let her know that.
"Actually, what I had in mind is something along those lines."
Imagine my surprise.
"Honey, we're 48 years old. We have sex once every week or two. I know you'd like more, but it's just so....so boring."
Imagine my surprise.
"You've been the only man I have ever loved, and always will be, so I don't want you to get all huffy, I want you to hear me out."
This couldn't be good. Diana never beat around the bush, she always went right to the point. Something big was really brewing in her pretty little head.
"You are also the only man I ever made love to, and that has me curious. I find myself wondering what's out there? You've always made me happy in bed, but Denise says...."
There it Was. Denise. I might have known. She was crazy. She was fun too, but crazy. She was game for anything that involved either nudity or sex. She was only a half a year out of her third marriage, and was hot on the prowl for candidates for loser #4. She had profited well from each divorce, and had a lovely little mansion on 5 acres by the country club along with a bank account nearly as large. She had 3 kids, one by each husband, all receiving child support from their wealthy dads.
Denise had been to every nude beach in the country and many abroad. She knew the most swinging cruises, the hottest clubs, the sexiest fashions. She was that girl who could wear 6" stilettos to the church picnic without any one batting an eye. She oozed lust, and she was my wife's best friend.
".....and I'm doing myself a great wrong if I don't sample some other guys before I get too old. So, what I propose is that I start going out with Denise on Friday nights and explore her world. This is the perfect time, before I start looking all old and saggy baggy, but since the kids are gone there will be no one to hurt."
No one to hurt. My stomach was about to project lunch all over the living room, but there was no one to hurt? "What about me?"
"Oh honey, Denise said you might feel jealous, but remember, I only love you, and I only ever will. But you were experienced with other girls before we met, so you know what the field is like. I only know you! Don't I deserve to taste some other flavor s?"
"Diana, what happens if you like one of these other flavors so much you can't give it up. What if you come to love someone else? What happens to me? I have everything to lose if you do this, and so do you! We have a perfect life, and in a couple years we will both retire. We can travel, we can explore, and do it together. We are right on the verge of our golden years, when we can rekindle those intense feeling we had as kids, before our kids came along and put us into parent mode. What's in this for me? You know even in a no fault state, the man gets raped in a divorce, if I even considered...."
"No, no, no, you don't understand. I don't ever want to divorce you, I want to keep you! Honey, I want those golden years to be amazing too! And even though Denise says I could really set myself up well financially with a couple of divorces, I can't imagine not spending my old age with you! I knew you'd come up with this angle, because you always think of everything, and in your shoes, it would be the first argument I made. So I had Bobbi write up a contract for us spelling out clearly what would happen if we did divorce. Now remember, I don't want that at all, this is just to ease your mind."
I read the contract. Bobbi was good, funny thing is she is my partner! We run a solid little two person firm that gives our clients excellent general legal care, specializing in nothing, but practicing everything. Bobbi took good care of me in this contract. The division of property left my wife the house and contents, but gave me our ski condo, the beach house and my fishing cabin. That was a financial wash, so no complaints. Diana made a good salary, and always wanted to keep her own money. We would keep our own bank and investment accounts, and we each had our own retirement, so that would all remain intact...to each his own. I had paid off the mortgage two years ago, so there would be no spousal maintenance, and the kids had college funds that would easily get them through undergrad and pay a good chunk of grad school if they chose to go. It was actually very neat and clean, and I would not get raped.
Bobbi deserved a thank you lunch. However there would be a significant bit of questioning as to why she couldn't have given me a heads up. Sure there was client confidentiality, but we were partners....wasn't there a conflict of interest? I reasoned there was, but Bobbi had protected my interests in this too, so I'd let her off the hook. Maybe even upgrade that lunch to dinner....shit!
Bobbi and I were awesome partners at work, but we spent every unguarded moment we had flirting like adolescent idiots! Wait a minute, That's it! What the hell was I doing asking Diana "What about me?" I should have been asking myself that question. Bobbi flirts with me. Clients flirt with me. Neighbors flirt with me. Women at the country club flirt with me. Hell, her best friend Denise openly propositions me right in front of Diana.
Ok, wifey wants to play with fresh meat? Let her. She wants to see what's out there? Fine. She wants to compare me to other guys? Ok. I'm not sure she realized what she was doing by dropping me into such a target rich environment. I'm not sure she realized Bobbi's contract was written in such a way that the door was open for me to go out on the prowl too. I signed each copy right below her name, and smiled like the cat that got the cream. Without a word, I handed her a copy, and slid mine into my file cabinet, which I discreetly locked.
"Ok babe. You are a free woman. From here on out, you can play as you wish. I only ask two things. No playing in our room. We need to keep a bed for you and me alone. And no sloppy seconds. I want a full 48 hours between your last fuck and our next fuck. Fair enough?"
"Oooooh, Teddy, I love when you talk dirty. But remember, we won't be fucking, we'll be making love!"
"No Diana. Making love is for two people who love each other, and only each other. If you start making love, it will be with someone else, and that will be the end of us. As long as this relationship we share is open, we will be fucking."
"No baby, you misunderstood! Part of the whole cuckolding culture is the loving re-connection when the woman comes home and makes love to her husband. And Sloppy seconds is a big part of that! You have to accept my extra marital activities to show me you love me enough to let me explore, knowing I will come back to you."
"Cuckolding culture? No Hun, that's not how this will work. Read your contract carefully. There is nothing in there that spells out our relationship as a cuckold marriage. A cuckold is a man whose wife has sex with other men, while he stays home faithful or celebate. Sorry Dear, I couldn't stomach that. As a matter of fact, I almost hurled my lunch when you first suggested stepping out today. A hotwife is a woman who has sex with other men, while her husband knows and often participates. I have no interest in sharing you while I am there watching. What your contract described was an open marriage. We are both free to fuck around as much as we like, and there weren't many rules or guidelines attached to your agreement. So yeah, we are both unrestricted free agents."
She picked up her contract and carefully re-read it. As the realization of what she had done set in, her shoulders slumped. I knew the seeds of curiosity had already taken root in her mind. I also knew she was considering abandoning the idea, since it wasn't quite what she planned. But her curiosities had grown to the point they needed exploration. If she didn't do it this way, she was bound to cheat on me sooner or later. But now there were new seeds growing too. Now she too had something to lose. She too had to risk me finding someone else I might love. She too was risking everything.
The doorbell rang. She slid out of my study to answer it, and I followed. Denise breezed into the door.
"So did he go for it?"
Diana glanced my way. Denise followed her glance and turned to face me.
"So Denise, you are taking my wife from me every Friday night?"