Preview from the last chapter:
Tom revealed that he witnessed Kara having sex in the parking lot. The two had a major blowout and ended with Tom leaving. He did return to talk things over with her.
The two decided to try to fight for the marriage, but it just wasn't meant to be. He was having trouble believing Kara's claims. She was also being less than honest with him, so in the end the two of them split.
Tom also had to confront his mother's mal-treatment of Dean. He essentially banished her from the kid's lives until she could come to grips with her own demons.
Kara had to deal with feelings of abandonment. In her selfish anger and hurt that her husband wouldn't want to try harder, she decided to allow Richard to seduce her again. This time she had more of a struggle with her conscience. Yet she still succumbed.
Tom Narrating:
I was awakened by the sound of Dean and Sammy laughing in my kitchen. A quick glance at the clock showed that it was 9:30 am.
It was Saturday, so I enjoyed a leisurely stretch and the knowledge that I had nothing to do today except spend it with my boys. I had them for the entire weekend.
It was nice to hear Dean laughing. He hadn't done much of that since the divorce. He'd become sullen and distant. I wondered what could have broken through his normal moodiness and tapped into his humor.
That was when I noticed the smell of bacon and eggs.
Since when did Dean learn to cook. I better get in this kitchen before he burns my apartment down.
I got out of my bed, and strolled through the small hallway in my apartment. When I turned the corner to go into the kitchen, I stopped short. My mother looked back at me from the stove.
"Morning son! It's about time you woke up! How many eggs to you want?"
I tried to mask anger that I felt when I asked, "What are you doing here
mother?"
"Granny was just cooking us breakfast. She was telling Sammy and me about the time you snuck out of the house to go to that rap concert." Dean answered cheerily in between laughs. Sam was practically busting a gut.
"Yes son. You were upset because your father and I wouldn't let you go listen to that God awful crap. Who was that guy? Jizzy or Jazzy? I can't keep those names straight." She said as she playfully nudged Dean and put three pancakes on his plate. He immediately started drowning them in syrup and devouring them like he'd been deprived food his entire life.
"It was Jay Z mom. And yes, I wanted to listen to something other than Christian pop." I said, still trying to get a grasp at the surreal scene in front of me. My mom and Dean, laughing together and sharing breakfast. I took a seat next to Dean, who was seriously digging into those pancakes.
"Jay Z, Jizzy, Jazzy, tomato, tomahto, it all sounds ridiculous to me. But you had your heart set on going, and you went."
"Hey pops, did you really stuff pillows under your blanket to make it look like you were sleeping?" Dean asked, clearly enjoying having me the butt of the jokes.
"Well, it worked on Ferris Bueller's Day off." I said as I shrugged my shoulders.
"Who is Ferris Bueller?"
I made a mental note to myself to introduce this kid to some real movies. That, above all else, was proof that I have failed him as a father.
I got up and walked over to my mom. She looked me in my eyes, and I saw that her's were watering. She seemed like she was half expecting me to throw her out, but silently begging me not to. I pulled her into a hug, and she squeezed me back with the hand that wasn't holding a spatula.
"Thank you mom." I whispered to her.
"No, thank you son. I love you, and I'm proud of the man you've become. Having the guts to tell your mom when she's being a selfish, petty cow takes courage." She whispered back as she kissed me on the cheek.
"Granny, can I get more pancakes?" Dean asked with a mouth full of food. Where the hell did the first three go?
"Of course Dean. You have an appetite like your father. Which reminds me, let me tell you about the time he tried to eat the entire pan of brownies. He was about your age Sammy. Poor kid stayed on the toilet for hours."
As my boys and my mother shared another boisterous laugh at my expense all I could do was smile. This was my family.
I also felt a tinge of regret at the scene before me. It was so complete, yet lacking something. A tear came to my eye and I found myself cursing at Kara.
Why did you rob us of this moment? You selfish bitch. God, I wish you were here.
No matter how much I wanted to deny it, this picture was not complete without her.
*************************
Kara narrating:
Look at my boys. So handsome.
I sniffled as I looked teary eyed at my wedding pictures. There, standing side by side, were the groom and the best man. Tom and Dean smiled at me in their tuxes. I had never seen two men look more beautiful.
Of course, Dean was only eight in this picture and technically not a man, but he looked so mature here. It was like he was willingly accepting Tom as the man of the house, and was gladly turning the reins over to him. I was so lucky that the first man in Dean's life was Tom.
Dean's real father was a high school mistake. He was my first real boyfriend. I was with him for three months before he talked me into giving him my virginity. I thought I was so mature! I had a lot to learn about men and the world.
When his family found out I was pregnant, they shipped him off to live with his aunt. They wanted him as far away from "the slut" as they could get him. Never mind the fact that I was the virgin, and that he had fucked half of our volleyball team before he made his way to me. No, I was the slut who was corrupting their son!
This trip down memory lane was a depressing one. Since the divorce, this was my first time being alone. Tom had always spent time with the boys, but this was the first time he kept them overnight at his place.
The eerie silence of the house was foreign. When I was a housewife, I used to relish these times of silence. It mostly only happened when Tom was at work, Dean was at school, and Sammy was napping. I used to just sit in the tub, put on my headphones, and drift. Now, I had to stop myself from calling Tom and begging him to bring the boys back.
Tom. We really fucked this up, didn't we? Of course, I had to punctuate it by sleeping with Richard.
I thought back to my time with Richard earlier in the week. That passionate night that I let loose and gave myself fully to him. There was nothing holding me back from fully satisfying the lust that had built up between us.
It was great. I loved every minute of it. Richard was a very accomplished lover, and he handled me quite expertly.
However, once it was over, it was over. I no longer felt that pull to him. The attraction that I had for him was...gone. I'm not saying that he wasn't still sexy. I just no longer felt infatuation.
Maybe it was the fact that there was so much pain surrounding our time together. Losing Tom over him played a big role in how I looked at him now. Not to mention the fact that he was married.
I guess that is what made this situation that much more finite. He would never be mine's. I would never be his. Deep down, we both knew that. The sex with him was just that. Sex. As drawn as I was to him, I knew that I would never love him.
When I looked at the pictures of his wife, I didn't feel jealousy. I didn't wish I could take her place. I just felt...pity. I felt sorry for her. Then I felt sorry for me.
She could have just as well been me. There could have been a woman in my house looking at our family pictures, getting ready to be fucked by Tom. Oh God! What would I do if the shoe were on the other foot? How low would I feel?
Tears streamed my eyes as I thought about that. Imagining Tom, in the throws of passion with another woman, eating her pussy, licking her ass. I felt literally sick.
If Tom had done that to me, I believe I would have truly forgiven him. But if I'm honest, it wouldn't have been easy. I would have felt that pain for years to come. The betrayal of it would have eaten at me. We would not have been the same as we had been.
I now longed for Tom. His unshaven beard, his crusty socks when he returned from his mountain bike rides with Dean, his non-romancing ass attempts to have sex with me made me feel a yearning for him.
I actually laughed at myself when I realized that I longed to hear those words that I hated so much.
Kara, let's do it.
For the millionth time, I wondered what would have happened if we tried to bridge the communication gap sooner. I remembered countless missed opportunities on both sides. Times we cried out for each other, only to go unheard. Times when we should have cried out, only to have things go unsaid. Sigh.
Stop crying Kara. Stop it!
I completely disobeyed my inner voice as I broke down in sobs. I wept loudly. There was no one here to hear me. Why not?
Sandra was right. Losing Tom DID kill me.
I needed a friend. I picked up my cell phone and dialed her number. As it rang, I wondered if Tom looked back with regret like I do.
Does he even miss me? Does he still love me?
*************************************
Tom narrating:
My mom spent the rest of the morning with us. She left a little before noon. The boys and I had a day planned anyway, so we had to get ready.
We were picking up our tradition of mountain biking. This was the first year that Sammy could join Dean and I. I was really excited about this ride. Since the divorce, this was the first really good day that I had in a while.
Seeing my boys smiling put a smile on my face. I shook off the empty feeling that swirled inside of me when I thought about Kara, and focused on my time here. This moment wasn't perfect, but it was as close as it could get given the circumstances.
We piled our gear in the car, strapped the bikes to the rack, and were on our way. My apartment was further out from the trail than my house was (when I was married), so the drive that used to only take us a few minutes took more like 20.
Once we got to the trail, we decided to try to take it easy, since Sammy was with us. So we leisurely rode the easy trail, allowing for the little legs to keep up with us. Before long, I looked at my watch and realized that we'd been riding for an entire hour. The boys showed no signs of being fatigued, so we finished the ride all the way to the top.
