Strictly Business

After a week of difficult and contentious negotiations, I got lucky when my Hail Mary compromise took hold, and pulled everyone together. We hammered out the complex contract a whole day early.

"Congratulations, Ron. That was a brilliant suggestion. It closed the deal." The conference room cleared with everyone high fiving one another and patting me on the back. A big contract and a fat commission. Lady Luck can be a fickle bitch, but for now she was all mine and I felt great.

Lady Luck was with me when I found an early flight that left on time. She made sure my connecting flights meshed with my arrivals, and damn if I didn't land in Burbank, my home airport, early. Twenty years of flying and it had never happened to me before.

In Baggage Claim, my checked bag was first to the carousel, and an empty cab waited at the baggage claim exit. Carly was going to be surprised and delighted that I saved her the trip out to the airport. She never complained about picking me up, no matter what ungodly hour it was, but she hated the drive out to the airport.

When the cab dropped me off at the house, Lady Luck left me and caught a flight clear out of town. The first clue was a five year old Camry in my driveway. The first evidence was Carly, my dear wife, squealing out an orgasm in our bedroom as I opened the front door. It was the first time I'd ever heard those sounds when I wasn't there helping her make them.

I left my roller bag and computer case by the front door and crept down the hall. I saw Carly's clothes on the family room floor mixed with those of a strange man.

The partially open bedroom door revealed the strange man—he was fucking my wife. Of course, I already knew that, but to see it stunned me. I couldn't breathe. Carly's arms were wound around the guy's neck, her legs sprouted straight up from beneath him, and her strained face was locked in the crook of his neck. A Kodak moment captured indelibly in my mind.

So what do I do? Storm into the room and pull the guy off? Then what? The damage was already done. Carly was screwing another man. Nothing could ever change that. I was too overwhelmed to consider a solution right then. The last thing I needed was to go off half-cocked and get myself in trouble, maybe even go to jail.

I decided to leave undetected, go find a motel somewhere and tackle the problem like the myriad of complex business problems I handled every day. A problem is a problem. Break it down into manageable chunks and fix it.

Right away I saw two chunks to this problem: what to do about Carly and what to do about the asshole screwing her. Of the two, the second one seemed like the easiest, and the most urgent. If I didn't act fast, revenge would lose its impact. I needed to rain some shit down on his head as soon as possible, but it had to be the right shit. Carly could wait. In fact the wait would make her squirm more. I'd tackle him first, get it out of the way, then deal with her.

I returned to the family room, and surveyed the scene. The guy's pants were on the floor next to the couch, the legs accordioned down over his shoes with his underwear inside. It looked like an old cartoon set up where a fireman jumps out of bed into his boots, pulls up his pants and runs for the pole.

I picked up the pants and tweezered the underpants out with my thumb and finger. Ugh, too personal. I flicked them on the couch, and wiped my hand on my pants. I checked the pockets, careful to return everything where I found it. Nothing out of the ordinary-keys, change...a sweet "toothpick" Buck knife. Fuck 'im, I kept it. Also, a matchbook from the Blue Parrot, some lounge over on Sepulveda. It didn't ring a bell, but the address was close to Carly's work. I jotted the address down to check it out later.

I went through his wallet. A driver's license revealed the name of the guy huddled over my wife, moaning in the background. Ken Lathrop, age 35, with an address about 10 miles away. I copied that down with the Blue Parrot address. Further digging produced a business card with Lathrop's name on it, and an emergency contact card with his wife's name, Jennifer Lathrop. I copied down all that information, too.

I flipped through the few photographs in his wallet. One showed a professional portrait of a beautiful woman with two pre-teen daughters. That must be Jennifer. Damn, she's hot. A lot prettier than my wife. The guy must be nuts. Carly was a tight little package with a cute pixie face that few men could resist, but not in the same league with the classic beauty in the wallet photo.

I counted the cash in the wallet, $23 in rumpled $1's and $5's, then stuffed it back in place before returning the wallet to the back pocket. A new chorus of grunts and screams coming from the bedroom startled me, but triggered a devious thought. I snuck into the kitchen, grabbed a plastic Target shopping bag and ran back to the family room. I poop-scooped the underwear off the couch with the Target bag, then threw one of the guy's socks in with it to drop outside in the trash. Let them go crazy searching for this stuff.

***-***

There hadn't been much noise from the bedroom since the last orgasmic outburst so I looked in on the lovers one last time. As I got closer, I heard them talking. It didn't sound like pillow talk so I listened in.

"I can't believe it's been two months."

"Best thing I ever did was stopping at the Blue Parrot. I never go there."

"Me neither. I hate girls night out there. They're all single except me."

"Seems to me you got more action out of it than they did that first night."

They both laughed, then the bed squeaked as Ken jumped out. "Gotta go, Carly."

"Oh, honey...you have to leave so soon? I thought you would stay the night again."

"Can't do it. The wife got the night off so she'll be expecting me home."

"Can you come back tomorrow after work?"

"I thought hubby was coming back tomorrow."

"He comes in late. I have to pick him up at 10. What time do you get off?"

"We could both get off by 4:30 if I hurry over," Ken laughed. "Fridays aren't busy. I'll be here around 4, but I'll only have a couple of hours."

"Promise?"

"Promise. Now I've gotta scoot."

"Yea, yea. Fuck and run." Carly giggled as Ken tickled her.

I heard the shower start so I ran back to grab my bags, and left through the back door. I walked down the street to Denny's, then called the shuttle for the Aamble Inn Suites nearby. Over coffee and pie, I pulled out my laptop and opened a spreadsheet. I always think better with a spreadsheet to sort out details, and I needed a plan to nail Lathrop.

First thing was to figure a way to catch them the next day. But I damned sure wasn't going to let them jump back in bed together. Flo dropped the tab off for the coffee and pie, and I realized what I was going to do when I saw it. The shuttle arrived a few minutes later and took me to the Aamble Inn.

***-***

The next morning, I went into the office to finalize my plan.

"Ron! You surprised me. I wasn't expecting you until Monday," said Alice, my secretary.

"I seem to be surprising a lot of people these days. I have a few things to do here today, but I'm outta here by 3. Don't schedule anything for me until late Monday morning, OK?"

Carly and Lathrop said they had been together for a couple of months. A logical assumption was that they got together on days I was out of town. I transferred those days for the past two months from my daily planner into the spreadsheet I'd started the night before. I opened our online banking account and pulled the remaining figures I'd need from there. When I had everything I needed, I printed a couple copies and stuffed them in my computer case.

Alice and I went over the new contract and client report so she could get them ready for my presentation to management on Monday. Useful work, but I was just killing time. About 3 pm I asked her to get me a rental car. She called Enterprise and they picked me up at the office.

By 3:30, I had a non-descript rental car. I didn't even know what it was except it was blue. I drove by my house to confirm that Lathrop hadn't yet arrived. I parked down the street and walked to the house with my computer case over my shoulder and roller bag tagging along behind. At 4:15, I rang my doorbell.

Carly opened the door with a big smile, then jumped back in surprise. "What are you doing here? I mean...you're early...uhh, why did you ring the bell?"

"I got in way early so I figured I'd take a cab and save you the trip. Sorry, couldn't find my keys. Packed away somewhere, I hope. You OK? You seem...nervous?"

Carly laughed. "No, just surprised. You must be tired. Why don't you go take a nice long shower and I'll have a drink ready when you're done." She pulled me into the bedroom by one arm so fast I almost tripped on my roller bag. Ken was due to arrive any minute. She wanted me busy showering and dressing so she could warn him off when he rang the bell.

I spun out of her grasp and returned to the living room. "No, I just need to sit for awhile. But you can still get me a drink."

Carly stood there wringing her hands not sure what to do.

I sat on the couch. A nervous Carly sat beside me, closest to the front door.

"How about that drink, Carly?"

"Oh, let's just talk for a minute. I haven't seen you in a week." She was stalling.

We sat there in silence looking uncomfortably at one another. The doorbell rang. Carly let out a little involuntary squeak. "I'll get it," we both said in unison. Carly got to the door first. I'm sure she planned to just slip out and warn him off, then tell me it was somebody selling something. Before she could say a word, Ken pushed his way in stark naked. "Surprise!" he said, arms extended, jazz hands waving like he was Roy Fucking Scheider.

It would have been a toss up who was more surprised, Carly, me or Ken, but I reacted first. I slammed the door and locked it. "Do you usually ring doorbells naked?" I asked. "Where are your clothes?"

Ken looked around. "Uhh, wrong house. Sorry. They're outside on the porch. Bye!" he said hoping for a quick getaway.

"I don't think so. I know why you're here, asshole. Stay put if you want to leave here with everything you just showed off. Carly, get his clothes and get back in here."

Carly grabbed the clothes from the porch. She looked around to check for neighbors, but she needn't worry because the porch was enclosed and not visible from the street.

"Throw them to nature boy, there. Put them on, asshole."

"It isn't what you think, Ron. It's...oh, shit, I don't know what it is."

"You mean you can't think up a lie fast enough. Save your breath. I was here last night. I heard your plan for today."

"Please Ron, I...". Carly collapsed on the couch farthest from Ken.

"It's alright, Carly. Relax. We're all adults here, right? These things happen. There are consequences, but we can sort them out together," I said.

"Yes, sweetie, that's it! It just happened. I'm so sorry, but these things happen," Carly said, smiling at the turn of events.

"Quit babbling and listen up." I opened my computer case and pulled out the papers I'd printed earlier. "Here's the problem. Asshole here..."

"Ken. My name is Ken."

I looked him in the eye. Ken looked away. "Asshole here has been fucking you for awhile now, hasn't he?"

"These things happen, honey, like you said. Last night was a one time thing."

"Last night, I was here, remember? So cut the shit and let's get to the real purpose of this little talk."

"The real purpose?"

" Asshole here has been fucking you free for two months. Meanwhile I've been paying to maintain you. A nice house with utilities, your own car, food, clothing, everything. A sizable nut every month for me, but he pays nothing."

"You think your wife's a whore who gets paid for sex?" Ken said.

"Shut up, asshole and listen. I'm not asking you to pay for fucking her. She can negotiate that with you later. I'm asking for reimbursement for her maintenance on the days she was with you. If we're going to share her, we're going to share in the expenses. I pay for expenses for the days I'm with her. You pay for the days you're with her...retroactively, of course."

Carly looked from me to Ken and back uncomprehending.

"Here's the tab. I charged you her actual expense for each day I've been gone in the last 2 months. If it isn't accurate, feel free to dispute it, but I'll need proof."

"You can't do that!" Ken said. "I'm not paying."

"I understand you don't have that kind of cash on you. I know what's in your wallet. Tsk tsk, your wife seems to have you on a subsistence allowance. Anyway, I was surprised at how expensive she is myself. Tell you what, asshole..."

"Ken..."

"Tell you what, asshole. Carly handles all of our household finances, paying bills and what not. I assume your wife does the same." I looked over at Carly. "His wife's quite a looker, by the way. Has asshole shown you her picture? Wow." Carly blushed, then glared at both us.

So, anyway, Ken, I'll mail the invoice to your wife. She can handle it with your other bills." I flipped out an envelope already addressed to "Mrs. Jennifer Lathrop".

"That's blackmail, you bastard."

"No, that's business, and I've given you generous terms. 2/10 NET 30."

"You can't send this to my wife. Jesus!"

"Fine. I'll send it to whomever you want. Your accountant? There may be tax advantages for you, right?"

"You're fucking nuts."

"I assure you, I'm not. OK then, you have the invoice in hand. Pay early. Two percent on that bill is a chunk of change."

"You can't get away with blackmailing me. I'll fuck you over. I'll call the cops."

"Well, unlike my wife, I don't fuck for free. This isn't blackmail. It's strictly business. I'll provide details to anyone you choose, your wife, your accountant, the police, a judge. But only if you ask me too. Otherwise, it's confidential between you and me as any business transaction should be."

Ken stood up and was just about to tear the invoice up when I held up the envelope addressed to his wife. Ken crunched the invoice in his fist, then stormed out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Carly, her face streaked with tears, said, "You charged him? To...have sex with me?"

"No, I charged him what you cost me on the days he had you. You fucked him for nothing. Absolutely nothing."

Twenty nine days later, I got a cashier's check in the mail from Ken for the full amount, less 2%. That cheap bastard took the discount even though he was over the 10 day discount period. But a deal's a deal. I cashed the check and never said a word to Ken's wife or anyone else. As far as I was concerned the matter between Ken and me was settled like any other business deal. Ken was a man-slut, but he paid his bill, honoring our implied contract.

Carly was also a slut, but the main issue was her breaking her marriage contract. As a businessman, I couldn't stand for that without compensation of some kind.

For me, money has only been useful because it gives me alternatives. That's what Ken's payment meant to me. I saw two obvious alternatives. Divorce Carly and use Ken's payment for my lawyer, or keep Carly and use Ken's payment toward that BRG Triumph Bonneville I've had my eye on.

I grabbed my computer and opened up a spreadsheet...