I had an unexpected day off work. Problems at a couple of worksites had left me with nothing to do so I thought I'd take a day off and enjoy a long weekend.
About ten I wandered down to the local shop and grabbed the paper and was strolling home when I ran into a young woman with a problem that gave me a chance to show off my intrepid heroism.
A couple of doors down live this young couple. He's a jerk but she's a stunner. What the hell she sees in him is beyond me. What he sees in her hits you in the eye every time she walks out the door. I won't bother to describe her. I'll just say she's got a couple of outstanding points in her favour.
I was just passing their place when Teresa came bolting out the front door in a panic. She was dressed in this flirty skirt and a boob tube that I considered to be failing in its duty. I was under the impression that a boob tube was supposed to contain a woman's breasts.
She spotted me and the next thing is she's all over me with "Andy, you've got to help me. It's enormous. Come and get rid of it."
My first thought was that she hadn't seen it yet, so how did she know how big it was, but then I realised that she was waving towards the house.
"Problem, Teresa?" I asked casually.
"Yes. Don't just stand there. Come on." She was pushing me towards the house as she spoke. I figured if she was that desperate for me, all I could do would be to go along quietly.
So I go with Teresa to her house and we went inside. As soon as we were in the house Teresa went all coy, hiding behind me and indicating the general direction of the kitchen. Intrigued, I went in.
It looked like a normal kitchen to me. Neat and tidy and quite well designed. I looked around and couldn't see any real problem so I turned to Teresa with a little shrug.
She was pointing upwards so I looked up and immediately spotted her problem. There was a wolf spider on the roof. Now these little beasties can grow quite large and, when you add in the sprawl of their hairy legs, they look quite formidable. Teresa's little pet wasn't the smallest I'd ever seen. Not by a long shot.
However, as I said, intrepid heroism to the rescue. I rolled up my newspaper, jumped and swatted, and managed to knock it to the floor. Before it had a chance to right itself I smacked it again with my handy club, stunning the brute. A swift kick to the head to keep it quiet and then I grabbed it by a pair of its hairy legs and dragged it to the back door and pushed it down the steps.
Now Teresa was all smiles. It would appear that she hated spiders.
"I absolutely hate spiders," she said. "I was bitten once and my hand was swollen for a week. Now I'm just a coward when I find one."
I laughed it off. No big deal.
"It was to me," Teresa said with a big smile. "I can't thank you enough."
"Of course you can," I said. "I'll be quite happy to just accept the traditional hero's reward."
Teresa looked blank for a moment, then seemed to twig.
She gave me a woman's patented 'men are all the same' look and smiled.
"A hero's kiss," she said with a smile, putting hands to heart and feigning a swoon.
"Actually, I don't think any heroes I've heard of would have been content with a kiss," I told her, "so if you'd care to lean forward over the counter..." I trailed off suggestively.
That time she got it and looked slightly shocked at the suggestion. Also, I thought, a little intrigued.