Special Weapons and Tactics

My job was going pretty good and helped me mentally a lot. Living alone now was just - lonely - sans a wife and my kids "always under foot." Fact is, I always liked that before without ever much thinking about it.

Of course it was never perfect, but that last 6 months of my marriage highlighted just how good a little "imperfect" HAD been before. And now living alone was just something to put up with when I wasn't working or occasionally getting together with Jenny and usually Carla and her date, or Frenchy and Gigi, or both other couples.

I always had a good time, out doing something with them. Occasionally we'd catch a movie - especially something like "S.W.A.T." and then dissect it and laugh about it afterwards. Many times it was dancing to live music, but honestly those bands were seldom nearly as good as the amateurs at the family monthly get togethers. And it always seemed everywhere we went the musicians knew Gigi and everyone went nuts until she got up and sang something with them. Occasionally some drunk just wouldn't leave Gigi alone until Frenchie and I both stood up and I'd usually just pull my badge out and that would be that. If they (and their friends) started swinging anyway we'd put 'em down, handcuff 'em and call MPD to arrest them for "drunk and disorderly." This happened VERY infrequently since Gigi was so popular I'm thinking we literally saved these kind of assholes' lives by NOT just letting the rest of the crowd "handle" them. The term "gator bait" comes to mind. None of our girls would ever dance with anyone else at these public bars - unless it happened to be a cousin or well known friend already. Which come to think of it we almost always ran into anyway.

It turned out I was the only one that really needed to get up to speed on waterbourne tactical situations. Everyone else - except Karen - had already attended a T.W.O. seminar or two.

"Tactical Waterbourne Operations" was a program developed and taught by an ex-SEAL, USN Chief Steve Bronson, and was very effective at covering the basics. The BASIC basic was merely staying alive around water. Merely stumbling and falling off a finger dock while approaching a hot boat might be more than embarrassing - it might mean drowning encumbered by 40 lbs. of equipment. So the very first skill that needed to be learned was not panicking in that situation but effective self-rescue. Shedding the proper equipment and deploying the swimmer's vest for safe and quiet flotation. Efficient survival swimming strokes also had to be mastered, along with high speed boat diving/insertion techniques, and critical accurate aimed rifle ability from floating small boats, including our qualified snipers - one primary and one pretty good back-up sniper teams in my unit. I also already had 1 fully qualified UDT guy, with two others in the MPD patrol boating unit, one ex-Navy and one with just a commercial background - that I could call on if and when.

The other major technique we needed practice at was boarding moving boats and especially larger ships. Again, the Navy had worked all this out in VBSS doctrine (Visit, Board, Search, Secure), and often used helicopter fastrope boarding techniques. We COULD possibly do that in an emergency, though that would never be our primary technique. Instead, we worked on fast small boat approaches and using flexible grapple ladders for boarding moving ships. Maybe we should all watch "Black Sails". The Coast Guard let us practice on one of their cutters occasionally.

One of my major job responsibilities was maintaining good contacts and working relationships with the Coast Guard, FBI and their HRT, and even the USN and possible SEAL Team call-ins if a large commercial foreign flagged freighter seemed hijacked or otherwise just out-of-control in Mobile Bay. The problem with calling in such high quality cavalry was the time critical nature of bad situations. We might just have to do it all on our own at some point. And we could never be prepared enough.

Unfortunately, all my TOU officers were basically just "cops" as well - and couldn't just be full time SWAT people, either waiting to be called on like firemen or even in perpetual training. City police budgets just were always too tight. So another part of my job was scheduling and concern for spatial dispositions when my officers were on loan to Narcotics or just out in cars patrolling (with all their personal gear already in the trunks). I tried always keeping a couple of rotating guys in the squad room with me working on paperwork, and to form a core of "quickest response" if and when, but otherwise I strove for an under one hour full team availability - everyone geared up and on-site anywhere in our metropolitan area, land or water - within an hour after a request was made for us.

I also still spent quite a bit of time on physical training. I could now dance pretty comfortably, but was still a ways from being able to run a 70 second quarter mile or 7 minute mile. My own goals for minimum acceptable warrior capability for myself - and all my team members. I used Karen Rigby shamelessly to motivate all of us. She lacked some of the upper body strength of the guys, but she had played soccer and basketball competitively all through school and could still easily meet those running guidelines - and I told her to "pour it on" during our weekly joint training sessions. Eventually everyone got there, including me, or at least close enough and dedicated enough to keep at it. Running just isn't easy or fun for some people - but we all have to take the bad with the good to do what we want to.

So my life was steadying down pretty well and I felt OK taking a one week vacation after only 3 months on my new job, to meet my ex-wife and kids in Gulf Shores.

I was more nervous driving over than I could ever remember when responding to a hostage situation. Damn it. "Just be cool and friendly to everyone," I kept telling myself.

As soon as I got there Parker and Abbie were all over me, hugging and laughing. Even JJ wanted a hug and was talking fast. Only Kimberley and Susan were a little more reserved, though smiling. "Maybe it's going to be OK."

We just stayed busy. That seemed to be the key. Hours at the beach with Abbie and Parker enjoying playing in the sand while JJ and Kimberley spent more time in the surf. Kimberley was starting to attract some young teen boys attention and was soon being taught how to surf by a couple of them with their own boards. Did I watch them like a hawk? Hell, yes.

One of my biggest problems, as it turned out - was that Susan just looked fucking great in her bikini. It wasn't especially skimpy or sexy, but it wasn't all that modest either. The way she looked and just acted - all pleasant and supportive of me with the kids, and the way some of the other older teen girls and young women looked while "dressed" in their own definitely skimpy bikini's, meant I had some restless nights bunking in with JJ. Abbie, Parker, and Kimberley shared another bedroom, while Susan slept in the master with it's king bed, though most nights Abbie joined her there sometime before dawn. Let's just say I took a few longer than normal showers.

Susan and I didn't have much alone time until late Wednesday night. The kids were all pretty tired out by then from another long day playing in the sun and had retired to their rooms by 10PM, even Kimberley. Susan and I were just relaxing with a little wine and watching something like "Must Love Dogs" on the TV when we had "the talk" - or at least the beginning of the talk.

"I received notice from the court my alimony obligations to you have ended. So, thanks, I guess."

"Yes. I don't need the money now and it was never fair to you anyway. I should never have divorced you. You probably should have divorced ME, then, though, the way I acted..."

There were a few moments of silence.

"Charlie told me you were...sick...mentally, but I still can't understand all the things you did, the inconsistencies in how you acted. Basically it just seemed you dumped on me while still acting somewhat sane to everyone else. At least, everyone seemed to believe you in everything that was important."

"I'm...still sick, John. I'm on an antidepressant that is working pretty well right now for me, but with some side effects. But I'm also still seeing a psychiatrist working thru some of my other mental issues. Basically I've been pretty messed up for a long time - since puberty for sure."

"So, you didn't fall in love with me and marry me while - mentally balanced? "

"Oh, I loved you, and I still do. And marrying you was the sanest thing I ever did. But therapy has opened a few doors and into some clearer memories."

"What did you think of me when we first met - very first time?" she asked me.

"Well, I must have been 14 and you were 12, right?"

"Yes."

"You were just Charly's bratty sister to me. OK? And I guess I kind of thought of you as kind of my own sister. You were just a skinny girl, otherwise."

"What about when I was 14, after puberty, and starting to develop?"

"By then you were still in that "sister" class to me - and more bratty than ever. You acted like you didn't like me at all from that point on."

"For me, one day when I was fourteen it was like I saw you for the very first time. And I just wanted you, so badly that it scared me very, very deeply. No other boy - or man - ever affected me like that. My deeper feelings of insecurity and fear - fear of your rejection of me - then drove my actions from that day. Whenever you were around my heart rate accelerated and I actually started sweating and almost shaking with nervousness. It was classic attraction-repulsion emoting. I really don't know what would have happened to me if you HAD paid attention to me as a 14 or 15 year old girl. I probably would have done anything to hold you and keep you, and not in a healthy way, either. I don't think I've been totally sane since puberty. As it was, I lost my virginity when I was 15 to another boy I hardly cared about at all, just someone I considered "safe" and even controllable. In fact, that was the only time I had sex with him and hardly remember him. It was just no big deal to me. YOU were always the big deal if I just saw you walking in the school hallway or at lunchtime. The intensity of both longing and fear never lessened."

"I cried when you graduated and then went away, joining the Army. And I thought at least high school might be better for me - you know - "saner". But instead I just got wilder, experimenting with alcohol and drugs and a few more sexual encounters. Outwardly I seemed happy enough - but I knew I wasn't. Then college was just devastating and I went overboard. I think I was just self-medicating and it was only making things worse and never better. Getting dried out from all that was a good thing for me - and the counseling I received helped, but I really did stop that too soon. Luckily my brain chemistry wasn't totally screwed up yet - but it was borderline. And then Charlie said you were back in town and he was meeting you, and I finally decided my attraction to you was stronger than my repulsion to the fear of rejection I might experience. I just kept repeating "grow up girl" to myself like a mantra. And I almost came in my panties that first time I saw you again, after 4 years. You were just more - beautiful - to me than I even remembered. I just kept hoping and praying you'd call me, and want to see me alone and not just as Charlie's sister. And you did. I had 13 wonderful years with you, John - and then I just blew it. I can't even blame it all on just depression and bipolar brain chemistry pathology, either. The fear of you leaving me - of rejection - returned and I caved in to it. I made some terrible decisions and now I have to live with them, as you do, we all do."

"And it wasn't your fault, not one little bit. I never deserved you. We often do kill the thing or person we love. We often do bring to life the thing we most fear. That's what I did. I just wasn't brave enough. I've never been."

This was quite a bit to think about. I got us both some more wine. That was Susan's second glass and I knew that would be her limit. She moderated herself very closely and strongly now.

"Jesus, Susan - I've never thought of you as a coward. You've had four kids and raised them primarily by yourself mostly. That all takes courage, day by day...and you do have such a strong personality in so many ways."

"Yes. Sometimes I can fake it pretty darn good. Act all confident and assertive once I've made my mind up about something. It's the decisions arrived at based on my innermost fears and insecurity that's the problem. Just wrong decisions. Like seducing poor Jack to get ecstasy from him, and then use him for basically zipless sex - just for me and my self-determined needs. Poor Jack - I drove HIM crazy, too."

"Shit. Fuck Jack. You shouldn't feel sorry for that asshole one bit. Even if Jack had the same kind of brain chemistry imbalances as you - he STILL never should have touched you - even if you presented yourself to him naked and ready. There is no excuse for his behavior and you are not to feel at fault."

"Well, I just hope he gets himself straightened out and leaves you and me alone now. That's all I feel for him. Just like those boys in high school and college."

"I know I can't make you understand all this in so many ways. Because so much of it IS crazy and how can you trust me, what I'm just telling you? I wish you could talk to my psychiatrist Rachel, she wanted to meet you whenever we reached this point of talking about it just a bit, but you are down here ... are you staying here, now?"

"Yes. For the foreseeable future. It's been a real good change for me. A good fit and I just had to get out of St. Louis for both personal and professional reasons. I am sorry I will be so far away from my kids but..."

"I understand. I just messed up so much in so many ways. I just wish..."

And she fell silent.

"What do you wish?"

"That I could turn back time. Undo so much. Asked YOU for help rather than merely feeling you would just leave me if you really knew how crazy I was, how unhappy I was. I wish I had trusted your basic goodness and your love for me."

And I saw there were tears in her eyes but she wasn't losing it. And if this was an act then nothing could ever be real again. Should I let her own fear infect me and influence my own decision making - emotion fear over calculated risk reason - from here on out?

"Well, what's done is done and can't be undone. But maybe we can just live in the now. Day by day one day at a time - and looking more forward than past, OK? And we both still need to put our kids first, as much as possible, right?"

"Yes. And I'll do my best now to never try to use your children against you as pawns in my own stupid crazy fuck mind games. I think I've got them mostly back on track with REAL reality. Except Kimberley, maybe - but she's got the whole teen angst thing starting now as well. I'm a little scared about that - as that is when I went off the tracks in my own life. But the past few days with us all being together has been just so wonderful for me. I'm sure you can't really imagine."

"I'm having a really good relaxing time as well. And don't worry too much about Kimberley. She's not you and most importantly, you aren't YOUR mother, either. And I am not your father. I know I haven't been around as much as I wanted to be - even before our divorce - but I hope Kimberley still knows just how much I really love her. Always have and always will. And I hope I can spend a little more personal focused time with Kimberley in the next 6 weeks."

There was a few minutes more of thoughtful silence and then Susan sighed, "Could I just sit next to you for a bit watching TV? Would you...put your arm around me like you used to?" she said with her eyes down.

I stiffened at this unconsciously, then forced myself to relax and just said "OK."

And she sat down close to me and laid her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her. She was both like a stranger to me now but also still just my wife - she smelled the same and felt the same as she had for all the 13 years we had been intimate. Our flesh had been one. She had been (was still?) mine in body and soul, as I had been hers (was still?). But I had never possessed her mind and she had never possessed mine, in reality. All of us individuals, our thoughts and mental workings, are ours alone and the ONLY possible entity that might know otherwise would be God. And I still wanted her sexually. That I was sure of and had no control over. 'Damn it. Why was it all so damned complicated?'

After a while she buried her face in my chest and I could feel her crying silently. All I could do was stroke her hair and hold her, eventually she quieted down and started breathing deeply and regularly. Asleep. My own mental turmoil lessened and I tried a little Zen fadeout myself - just being in the now. And before I knew it I fell asleep too and slept dreamlessly and as restfully as I had in more than a year. The few times of zipless sex I had engaged in the past year of loneliness, I had never slept with any of those women. It was always lonely sex. Not even hardly worth it.

We woke up together the next morning still on the couch. I was now lying down on my back and Susan was half on me, laying across my chest and one leg thrown over mine. We were both dressed in comfortably loose sweats. Abbie was shaking her awake, ready for breakfast and just a new exciting day at the beach to begin. Abbie didn't notice my morning "wood", but Susan did and gave me a warm smile. If Abbie and all the kids weren't there I probably would have just taken her then and there.

I kissed Susan on the forehead and rumpled Abbie's sweet head as we untangled and I headed to the shower. Yep - another longer than normal one as I tried to work through my feelings and just figure out the right thing to do for us all. One day at a time.

Things were even better from this point forward. More relaxed and even more smiles and laughs. All the kids apparently somehow figured out their Mom and Dad had spent the night together once more, even if it was just on the couch, and that was a good thing. A natural thing.

That night Susan and I found ourselves alone in the living room again, as the kids almost conspiratorially retired early to bed. We were watching TV again and I was drinking a beer but Susan was just sipping on a Diet Coke. She sat down on the couch next to me and I could almost read her mind. Her natural aggressiveness was returning again - but she still hesitated sitting right against me. I merely lifted my arm and rested it on the couch back and then she scooted right against me. I glanced down at her and she was smiling like the cat that ate the canary and I almost burst out laughing. I could almost hear the wheels turning. She wanted to say something but I just decided to wait. I could also feel her heart beating strong and fast and I was very aware her large soft breast pressing against my own chest.

Finally, "I'm getting sleepy, honey. Could we finish watching this in the bedroom? Not that I mind sleeping on the couch with you but there IS a king size bed in there and you are welcome to share it with me. I saw you rubbing your neck a lot this morning..."

She was right - I had woke up with a "crick" in my neck from sleeping on the couch and just not moving much last night with Susan stuck all over me. I still hesitated in answering.

"Just to sleep, John, if that's all you want. The fact is the meds I'm taking now kind of kill my sex drive. I haven't had to buy any new batteries for a LONG time, if you get the drift."

"Uh, that's too bad, I guess. Is it going to be that way for you from now on?"