Sandy

I was feeling a bit nostalgic the other day. Do you ever get like that? Usually it happens during a quiet time when I'm by myself. I start to remember things of my past, my childhood, family members who have left this life, my hometown. You know what I mean, just contemplating a simpler time when the pressures of this world just didn't exist for me in my youth.

Usually when I get like this it's a pretty enjoyable experience though I usually feel a bit of longing at the same time. You know, just a little wishing I could go back and re-live some of those times. I say usually its a peaceful and pleasant experience. It started that way for me the other day, however it ended leaving me feeling a little hollow and more than a little disappointed in how things turned out.

As I took my trip down memory lane that day, I started remembering friends from my high school days, friends who I haven't seen in nearly 35 years. That thought in and of itself is a little depressing. I graduated high school in 1983, wow has it really been that 34 years?

Anyway as I was remembering people I began searching them out on social media. I know what you're thinking 'wow, that's kind of creepy.' Well I wasn't exactly stalking anyone, I just had a nostalgic curiosity about how my past friends have done, where they are, things like that. I had no intention on taking my snooping any further than that, just seeing where people are in life.

Well my searching of friends from high school morphed into looking for friends from college. What about Jay, my roommate in the dorm my freshman year? And what of my drinking buddy Ron, I haven't seen him since I graduated college in 1986.

Right now if you're paying attention you're thinking 'um this dude is full of shit, said he graduated high school in '83 then his next breath says he graduated college in '86. Only 3 years, this doesn't add up.' Well maybe now's a good time to introduce myself a little.

I'm Tom, everything I've said so far has been the truth. I graduated high school in '83 then went off to college. While in college about midway through first semester I started dating the most incredible girl I've ever known. Now I wasn't much of a 'dater' back then, in reality not many people I knew were. What I did was I had girlfriends. I would have a girlfriend, we would be entirely exclusive and it would usually last awhile. But being young they didn't last for ever and an eventual a break up would occur. Sometimes I would dump the girl but usually it was the other way around. On those occasions it would be painful for awhile but I'd get over it soon enough.

Well my freshman year I met Sandy. I was hooked instantly. So was just about any other guy that saw her. Well she was in my circle of friends and one night found just the two of us in my dorm together sitting on my ratty old couch. We were just hanging out, the lights were dim and I had some music on. Man I wanted this girl and here I was with her alone in my dorm. So I made my move. Well at least I did in my mind, I made many moves in my mind in fact. But I just didn't have the courage to actually do anything. I knew if I did she would shut me down, I mean we're friends. If she was looking for a guy there are plenty of other choices much better than I that she could have. So here I am, sitting with this goddess of a girl and I'm virtually paralyzed. No, I wasn't so bad I embarrassed myself, I could talk and joke with her we are friends after all.

Let me take a minute and describe Sandy. Did I mention she was gorgeous? She was perfect, about 5'6". Here measurements 36-24-35. How did I know, she told me once. She had a jersey with 36 on the back I asked once the significance of that number so she told me. I'm certain I blushed. Sandy was beautiful but she didn't know it. At least she didn't act like she knew it. But as beautiful as she was on the outside her beauty within out shown her physical beauty by a long shot. She was kind, caring and about as down to earth as anyone you've ever known.

So anyway here we are in my dorm, alone, it's a little romantic. All I can think about is holding her, but I can't do anything about it. We're sitting there and at one point neither one of us were talking. We were just looking at each other, looking in each others eyes. Then ever so slowly she starts to lean into me. I'm thinking 'WOW, is this really happening?' Still too afraid to make a move I held my ground as she leans in and kisses me. On the mouth. I wasn't a complete moron, I kissed her back. It was a soft, romantic kiss. No tongue, just a sensual kiss. To this day it was the best kiss I've ever had. Well that kiss led to another and then another. The next thing I know we are holding each other and making out like crazy. By this time our tongues were eagerly exploring each other.

That was it, Sandy and I were a couple. I was in heaven. This is the woman I'm going to marry, make kids with and grow old with. There was not a doubt in my mind. Well as they say all good things must come to an end. The end of my fairy tale came about a year and a half later. It was winter of my second year, Sandy was a year ahead of me so it was her third year. Anyway one day she came to me and broke up with me. She said she felt like she was in a rut and needed a change. I was devastated. In all my years before then or since then I have never felt the pain and sense of loss I felt at that point. Remember when I said Sandy was in my circle of friends when I met her? Well she still was. So I saw her constantly. How I survived I have no idea, but I did.

By this time in my life I had switched majors from a 4 year degree to a two year degree. I had rationalized I was sort of tired of education and was ready to get out into the real world and start making my life. If I'm honest I think the fact the Sandy was going to graduate a year ahead of me had me finding a way to graduate the same time as she. My goal in life was to marry Sandy and begin our life together. Obviously that didn't happen. I did graduate the same year as Sandy, that's how it came that I graduated from college only 3 years after graduating high school.

Wow, that got a little long winded. Anyway back to my trip down memory lane. One of the people I looked up on social media was Sandy. I didn't find her on the more popular social media, but I did find her on that social media site geared toward business networking, you know the one. Wouldn't you know it, her picture was there. Just as beautiful as ever, maybe more so. The memories came back. The pain, the sense of loss came back in a flood as well.

Here profile showed her email address. I couldn't help myself. Even though I eventually got married to a fine woman, married for 28 years by the way and have two great kids, I've secretly carried a torch for Sandy all these years. I've never really gotten over her. Like I said her email address was there so I wrote her a letter.

Sandy,

It's me, Tom.

I hope you don't mind me sending this to you. I stumbled across your profile on social media and couldn't resist sending this. I hope you read this to the end, if you don't I wouldn't hold it against you. Heck I'll never know one way or another.

Just in case you're worried, I do not intend to email you again or contact you in anyway. Like I said I ran across your profile and well a lot of memories came back. There are some things I've always wished I could have told you back then but never could. I know if I had told you it wouldn't have made a difference in how things turned out. I've just always wanted to tell you some things and have never had the chance.

It is my hope that reading this you will know what you meant to me and the impact you had on my life.

You Sandy were and still are the most amazing women I've ever known. You are more than beautiful. By beautiful I mean it's who you are not just your looks. Your smart, a joy to be around. Your kind and thoughtful. I've never known anyone like you

All my life, the only real goal I had in life was to be married and have a family. It sounds kind of strange for a guy to say that, but it's true. When we were together there was never a doubt in my mind we would grow old together. In fact that is the reason I chose to switch my major to an associates degree. So I could graduate with you and we could begin the rest of our life together. I was going to realize my goal.

When we were together you were my everything. You were the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night. My entire life revolved around you.

You may or may not know this but virtually all men are pigs to some degree. I am no different. What I mean by that is even though I'm married now I still notice other women, I think most men do. I would never and I do mean never cheat on Kim, but I do look. I can honestly say when you and I were together though, other women did not exist. It never entered my mind to look at another woman. There were no other women to look at as far as I was concerned. I had the only woman in the world, at least you were the only woman in the world I was ever aware of. I never felt like that before we were together and I haven't felt that way since.

You made me a better person. You are such a kind, honest, genuine, caring person you were and example I tried to emulate. I knew a woman or your character deserved a man of equally high character. I tried to be a better person because of you. Even though you were the love of my life you were also my role model.

There were times when I worried I wasn't good enough for you, and I know I wasn't. I worried one day you would realize you were way out of my league and decide to move on. That being said, even though at times I'm some what of a jealous guy, I was never jealous of other guys with you. I just knew the type of person you were, if you were with me you were not going to be tempted to cheat on me. That isn't who you are. So even though on one hand I worried because I was not in you league, still I was confident because you were mine.

I see you and Joe married. I truly hope you are as happy as you've always wanted, I know you deserve to be. Do you have any kids? I hope so you would be a tremendous mother.

Well I'm not sure if you knew or not but Kim and I married. I know our last year in college you wondered why Kim and I were together. You even asked me once, you expressed concern because you thought we weren't good together. I was elated when you expressed your concern. At the same time I was saddened. Even though I brushed off your concern I think you saw something that I wasn't willing to admit to myself. You see I needed someone in my life. That's not true, I needed you in my life but that was impossible so I was looking for something, anything to try to move one. So I was with Kim.

My relationship with Kim has never been close, not like what we had for a short while. First of all Kim is a very guarded person. She grew up in a family the was not affectionate or demonstrative in their feelings toward one another.

So as I was still trying to get over you, when Kim and I started. Kim was guarded and that was exactly what I thought I needed. I was still hurting form you and not really feeling like going through that pain again. Kim made it easy, we kept each other at arms length emotionally. I was protecting myself.

We eventually graduated. Kim and I stayed together and I asked her to marry me. We got married in 1988. Why did I ask Kim to marry me if we weren't close emotionally? Well I'm not sure. Like I said I knew I wanted to be married, I was ready to be married. I think deep down inside I had my doubts but at the same time I knew the woman I wanted would never be mine. So I settled.

Kim and I have had a nice life, married 29 years now. We have 19 year old twins, a boy and a girl. I couldn't be prouder.

Unfortunately my kids are really about the only real positive thing I can say about Kim and I. Truthfully we are no closer emotionally than what you saw back in college. At a certain level I love Kim and I believe at some level she loves me though we never tell each other. From time to time I've tried to improve my relationship with Kim. It never seems to make a difference. I'll try things like being a little more affectionate, it's never received well. I'll try special gifts and she'll say 'why'd you do that?' or 'you didn't have to do that.' Never just a simple 'thank you' or show of appreciation of any kind.

I've considered divorce. Honestly if Kim and I divorced and I never had another woman in my life I really don't think I would be any more lonely than I am with Kim, so what's the point? Could I find someone else who does love me? I don't know maybe. But at 53 I wonder what prospects I would really have. Ten years ago I might of felt differently, I might have felt my chances at finding happiness were a little better. However ten years ago I was not about to do anything that would separate me from my kids.

I often wonder why Kim ever said yes when I asked her to marry me. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't have. I have those thoughts and then I think if we didn't marry we wouldn't have our wonderful kids. They are everything to me and I can't truly regret marring Kim because if we hadn't we wouldn't have had them.

Well I've done enough crying on your shoulder. Really me intent for writing you was to let you know the impact you had on me and not to make you fell sorry for me.

I think of you often Sandy. I truly wish you nothing but happiness. You took my heart back then and I was happy to let you have it. You were my soul mate, even though know I wasn't yours. You had to let me go to pursue your happiness. That brought about more pain then I ever thought possible yet I have no animosity toward you because of it. Even in breaking it off with me you did so with compassion and not malice. When I remember those times I do so with great sadness. Yes I have nothing but fond and loving memories of you, but a person can't remember such great loss without sadness. When I'm alone and remember what I had with you I do so with tears welling up in my eyes like the tears I have as I write this letter.

If you've read this far Sandy, thank you.

I loved you like no other, I still do and I always will.

Tom