No One under the age of eighteen is being depicted as having sex
I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD and so I've written the symptoms as the condition affects me; Unreasonable anger and crippling depression.
I made Megan supper and discussed travel with Sioux, We were at least two days hard travel from the ferry at Bilbao another night on the ferry then at least three hours to the city.
I left a message with Elroy's phone that I'd be taking some time off work
While Sioux ate with Megan I rode out to the bus station and got her bag.
Megan slept in my room that night and I crashed on the sofa. Sleep eluded me but that wasn't unusual.
I'd ended up renting a room from Sioux and Malcolm kind of by accident, they'd let me crash in the spare room one night and I somehow ended up moving in and renting it from them. Sioux had experience with people with mental health problems. Her father was ex forces and returned from conflict a changed man. She could see that I needed a place with people who understood when I needed to be left alone and when I needed to talk.
Malcolm got me a job at Elroy's shop, where I'd found a knack for painting. Focusing on preparing and painting allowed me some peace of mind.
The next morning after breakfast I got the number of the consultant in charge of Becky's treatment and arranged to be there for testing as soon as possible.
Sioux had found an old set of leathers that just about fitted Megan. She also dug out from somewhere an intercom system to link mine and Megan's helmets together so we could talk easily on route.
As I was packing the panniers I heard the engines long before they rode into view, luggage strapped across their bikes for a long trip.
Elroy pushed up his visor and grinned at my expression; Malcolm just sat astride and looked at me.
"Did you really think we'd let you go alone?"
Sioux kicked the door of the trailer open with her luggage across her arms
"Really Jerry, who else is going to watch your skinny arse?"
Once she got used to pillion travel, Megan loved it and chattered on the away over the intercom about her life and everything including how it was after I left them.
Because she couldn't see my face she couldn't see my reactions to her story.
She told me about that they couldn't afford the rent to stay in the apartment after I left; money was so tight so they'd had to move in with Karen's parents.
Karen had fought against moving as long as she could, hoping that I'd return.
She had to go back to work to support them. Got a job as a filing clerk for a government department and then another at a GP surgery in the evenings.
Megan hadn't liked having to share a room with Becky.
They'd had to change from a private school to a public one.
Dance classes and clubs were now at the youth club.
Clothes were from bargain shops no longer fashion stores,
My parents did what they could to help out.
They hadn't starved but it'd been close a couple of times.
I was feeling pretty shit about this, I honestly hadn't thought how it'd effect them like this.
Even worse, they didn't blame me, they blamed themselves.
I had to pull over at that, my eyes were watering and it wasn't the wind, told Megan that it was cramp and I walked a little way from the others.
She was right all those years ago, I was an arsehole. What kind of prick of a father abandons his children? I didn't think just run the fuck away.
Finally Sioux came up and put an arm around mine, helped me get my head back together to face my daughter.
I'd got myself back in control by the time we stopped for the night. I still felt ashamed and resolved to be a father again to my daughters.
. On the ferry, we were sat as a group in the bar and she was laughing at the banter that followed between me, Malcolm, Sioux and Elroy. The sort that happens between friends where alcohol is involved I realized some of how much I'd missed. I'd missed my daughter grow up from a teenager into the young woman she was.
By common understanding she didn't talk much about Karen, but I learnt while we travelled that she hadn't divorced me and hadn't been seeing anyone, that she didn't do much else but work and look after them.
Megan did let slip that she'd and Becky sometimes heard their mother cry when the house was quiet and once they'd heard her tell their grandmother how much she missed me.
We had the usual problems with disembarking from a ferry on motorcycles. Fortunately customs weren't interested in us and we were off getting used to riding on the other side of the road.
We got to the hospital a little before lunch, met the consultant and was taken away to be tested straight away. While we waited for the results we went and found the three bed roomed apartment Jimmy had arranged for us. On the top floor of a block in a mostly residential area, furnished with a balcony off the master bed room.
They didn't mess us around at the hospital. By that afternoon I found out I was a suitable match, they'd do the procedure straight away. I'd have to possibly stay overnight to recover from the anesthesia.
Afterwards I wanted to see Becky but didn't want to see Karen so we hid round the corner waiting until Karen left Becky's room for work. Childish I know but I really didn't want to risk losing control again.
Hidden behind the others I caught only the briefest glimpse of her profile as she passed us.
Megan hugged me tightly afraid I would run.
Megan slipped in front of me.
"Hi Becks" she called "Guess who I found?"
"Hello Pumpkin!" hiding my expression at Becky's appearance, she was all skin and bone attached to machines and fluids. She was lying propped up in the middle of a bed. Looking so small and frail.
"Daddy!" even her excited voice had no strength, barely a whisper. I hurried over and hugged her, hiding my face in her shoulder as she wrapped her arms complete with tubes and needles around me.
"Love you Daddy" she whispered in a hoarse voice "I'm so sorry Daddy"
"I love you too Pumpkin, I'm sorry I went away" I hugged her as tightly as I dared; she was like a fragile doll.
"The doctors say I'm a good match, we're the same blood type as well, so we'll have you better in no time."
Wiping away her tears
"You just missed mum,"
Her smile faded when I nodded "I know princess"
"Are you ever going to speak to her again?
"I don't know Princess, maybe one day"
Becky hesitated before speaking, "Please Dad, she's hurting and has been for a long time,"
We stayed with her until they called for me.
Sioux ran Megan home, despite her prostrations.
When I came round after the procedure, there was some noise from the corridor outside the recovery suite.
Elroy was telling someone she couldn't come in, and someone was arguing with him saying she had to speak.
Malc was stood looking out the door when I called him. "What's going on?"
"How're you doing Bud?" he looked over at me but didn't leave the doorway, blocking it I realized.
I could hear Sioux now, talking as well now, but couldn't make out the words, someone was crying somewhere.
Sioux continued to talk with a firm tone of voice.
I struggled to clear my head and sit up
"Malc, Tell me what's going on"
"Relax brother, its okay,"
Sioux said something else along the lines of he doesn't want to see you and this isn't a good time.
The tiredness left me in a rush.
I threw back the sheet and looked for my clothes.
"Shit! Let's get out of here"
Finally Elroy and Sioux came back in agitated but refusing to tell me why.
"It was her wasn't it?" I asked trying to get my sleeve over the drip in my arm.
Sioux placed her hand on my arm, "We'll talk about it later"
Back at the apartment, I started stuffing my kit back into the panniers.
"What are you doing Jerry?" Sioux sat facing me; "Don't you want to wait to see how Becky does?"
"I'll phone later!"
"Jerry!" Sioux was really quite angry.
"What do you expect, I can't bare being near her, you've seen what happens, I can't lose control like that...I just can't."
Elroy stood in front of me, "So you're gonna run away again?" Hand on top of the pannier stopping me. "Jerry?"
"Sounds good, you coming?"
"What about your kids man, they're hurting, hell dude you're hurting!"
"They'll get over it".
"Fuck man that's cold!"
They watched me angrily struggle with the bags for a long moment, Before Sioux spoke
"I spoke with her, when I dropped Megan off"
I froze I didn't want to hear this.
"She told me what happened".
Through gritted teeth I said, "I know what happened,"
Sioux: "Do you really? The asshole lied to her, told her you were missing possibly dead, got her streaming drunk, and then got in bed with her.
She was vulnerable, and mourning you and that fucking asshole abused her trust and his position.
She thought you were dead, you moron! Do you understand at all where she was emotionally?"
Sioux came up behind me to hug me, "Jerry! She been hurting for six years over what that prick did to her. Did to you both, you've been carrying this rage and pain around too long. Isn't it time you forgave her, and yourself?"
In the silence that followed.
I heard the front door open and turned to see
"Hello Gerald"
Karen!
FUCK!
Looking like she did on that day all those years ago,
perhaps a little thinner, perhaps a few more lines on her face. But I couldn't see anything but her.
Dressed in a work blouse and skirt, black heeled shoes she stood nervously in the centre of the room
Sioux gathered Malc and Elroy with her eyes, and at her look they turned and left the apartment Sioux looking at the two of us standing facing each other as she shut the door behind them.
Looking at Karen's face I felt tremendous rage, a coarse and almost uncontrollable need to break something hurt something, hurt her.
