Rules of Marriage

Sam rolled off me and sat up on the side of the bed. "I'm gonna take a shower. Want to join me?" He looked back at me lying there exhausted and sweaty. We had just finished another solid hour of lovemaking and it had been great.

"Thanks but no thanks. I need to stay here and recover. You wore me out and I'm going to be sore later. I'm not complaining, mind you." I got up to put on a robe, but I was too tired to get dressed. I lay back down to try to get my breath back.

Sam came out of the bathroom sometime later and sat down on the couch in the open room. I was still lying on the bed dressed only in my robe. I thought maybe we could have another round of that fabulous love that I had missed so much.

"Could you come here and sit with me? There are some things that I need to tell you." Sam had come out of the shower dressed in traveling clothes. Since we had no plans to go anywhere or do anything, I was confused.

"What's up? Why are you dressed that way?" I was beginning to become worried.

"I want to tell you about the rest of the decisions I have made. I told you I had made several but I wanted to wait? First, I resigned my job at the Marine Air base effective last Friday. I also cancelled all of my private classes."

"But why would you do that? You love working with those young pilots and you wouldn't just up and quit!" This was getting more and more strange.

"Well, as you always said, it really wasn't a job, it was a hobby. Isn't that what you told me? You and your dad always wanted me to get a 'real job'? Well, I did. I called Josh Miller about a job in his personal security firm and we agreed on a package deal. In exchange for a commitment on my part for one year in various locations teaching hand-to-hand and defensive combat to his personnel, he offered me an excellent salary package. Better than I was making both at the base and in my private lessons. That should make you and your dad very happy. I leave tonight." Sam hit me with this without any warning.

"Why would that make me happy? How can you quit a job that you love? What do you mean you're leaving tonight, and what about the girls and me? Where will you be when you say various locations?" The anger came first, followed by dread. What was he telling me?

"I'll be in Europe and Asia. I'll spend about 3-4 months in each location teaching. I hope to get some time back during some of the holidays, but that's up in the air. I booked a flight out tonight on a military plane to Germany and I plan to be on it." He looked very different now than he did just an hour ago. We had made love to each other an hour ago and I was thinking about our future. Now that future was in jeopardy.

"I tried very hard to put what you did in the past and tried to find a way to move on. I kept coming back to the things that you told me about your affair with that man, and that left me with the feeling that I could no longer trust you. A marriage with love but no trust is not something I can live with. I need time to resolve my feelings. I need this year just to see if I can allow myself to begin to trust you again. And I need for you to examine your own feelings to see if you really want this marriage to continue."

I had to respond to that. "Of course I want this marriage. I love you and I have tried to show you how much. I don't know what you mean when you say you can't trust me. I made a mistake and I told you everything I can about why. I'll never do it again and I will regret it for the rest of my life. Our children come first. How can you give up on them and on us without a fight?" My composure was gone and tears were coursing down my cheeks. From making love to this. How had it happened so quickly?

"I told you there were several things. First, I can accept that you had too much to drink, your inhibitions were down, and he did everything to seduce you. OK. That part was a mistake, maybe. Problem is why did you stay with him all night? Once you sobered up, why did you continue? It's clear to me that you were doing it because you wanted to and to hell with me."

"Second, after you cheated on me with this guy and the first one and came home to face me, what was it that allowed you to justify it in your own mind? What allowed you to do it again? You broke our wedding vows, not once but at least three times. You did not honor our marriage or me and you gave yourself to other men."

"Finally, since you planned to do it again when there was no wine or seduction, the justification for that leaves me wondering what you would do in a similar situation if it presented itself. Since you have no clear reason for why you did it in the first place, there is no guarantee that you wouldn't do it again."

"Please Sam, don't do this. We were so close to working this out. You made beautiful love to me tonight, and I know you still love me. If you love the girls and me, why can't you stay and work this out? Don't the girls mean anything to you?" Desperation made me say that just before I realized what he would say.

"I don't remember the girls being a part of your thinking while you planned your infidelity. You didn't think of them while you were fucking your lover. And what was different about what you did with me and with him? Didn't you fuck him? Didn't you suck his cock? Didn't he eat you out? What's different? The fact that you love me? So what? What did that buy me that he didn't get?" Sam was still angry and cold but now it was coming out. He had just let it slide for the past three weeks. His anger had never been displaced.

"I'm going to give you what you want. For the next year, you will be here alone. I will not have anyone spy on you, check up on your behavior, or give me reports on what you do or where you go. You cheated on me and told me that it was OK because I would never know and I wouldn't be hurt. For the next year, you can do as you please, fuck whom you want, do whatever you want with whomever you want and I'll never know so I won't be hurt. We will still be married but that hasn't stopped you before. " He spoke these words so coldly it frightened me.

"That's what you think marriage is about. It's OK for you to do whatever you want so long as I don't find out about it. You decide what you want to do and what you think is OK in a marriage. The rules are yours to make. I take myself out of your way. I have spoken with an attorney and you will have a deposit each month in the checking account equivalent to what I was depositing. You can use that for child support and I guess your parents could set for you so you could be free to go out with your lovers. I would rather you not bring them to the house, but since I won't know, you can really do as you please."

"While I am gone, I intend to live by your rules of marriage. I will do whatever I believe is OK since you won't know what I am doing. So whatever I do should be all right with you. When I return, if I find that I can live with what you have done, we will determine where we go with our marriage. By that time you should have decided what marriage means to you and what the rules are. But if I live by your rules for the next year, I may discover someone else and our marriage will be over."

"If you continue to believe that it's OK to do anything you want so long as it's kept secret, we have no marriage. The fact that you believe that gives me serious doubt about any future we could have. But, if at any time while I am gone you want a divorce, just contact my attorney. He'll give you what you need to proceed. I have already signed the necessary papers. You will only have to file them." Sam seemed to be finished and he sat back and waited for my response.

"It seems that you have made up your mind about me and what I want. Well, you are wrong and it seems that you are so angry that all you want to do is punish me. Fine, I deserve anything that you do to me. I don't think our daughters deserve to be without their father for a year or more." If I could appeal to his love for our girls, maybe.

"I thought about that but came to the conclusion that pain of separation now knowing that I am coming back is probably less than they will have if we split up later. This year is a long shot, but it's a shot. If I had to decide right now, I would file for divorce. After a year, I may feel differently. No guarantees. You have always been a wonderful mother so I have no problem leaving them with you. However, if you continue to behave as you have, I will fight for full custody when I return." He waited for another attempt to talk him out of this.

"Can't you accept the fact that I made a mistake and won't do it again?" Desperation.

"I could accept that you made a mistake the first time, but there was more than one time. I have no trust in your claim that you won't do it again. I didn't think you could ever do it in the first place, but you did and you did it again. The fact that this last time you remained with him all night even after, in your own words, you realized that you had made a mistake, and the fact that you fully intended to do it again tells me that you never felt it was wrong."

"This is why I need the time away. You can't even give me a straight story about what you did and why you did it. You are unwilling to accept responsibility for your own actions. If you can't be honest with yourself and if you continue to try to make me believe something that even you don't believe, how can I ever trust you again?" With that, Sam got up and walked back into the bathroom. He came out carrying a small overnight bag.

"I'll have the rest picked up at the house and delivered. I'll let them know where. If you need to contact me, call my attorney. He'll know how to reach me. I don't want any direct contact with you from now on. I'll have letters and cards for the girls delivered through Josh."

"Think hard for the next year as to what it is you expect me to accept from you. I can't share you, I can't excuse betrayal and I won't stay with someone who believes I could. Part of our future is up to you. If those things are too much for you to give up, then we are through. I will know if you are telling me the truth when I return, so for once in our marriage, you had better plan to be honest." With those words, Sam walked out of my life.

True to his words, I didn't see him for the next year. He did contact the girls and send presents on holidays and their birthdays when they were with my parents, but he never contacted me. I thought he would at least call or send a card on our anniversary, but nothing came.

After Sam left me, I remained in the cabin for the next two days. I needed the time to think of what I was going to do. I was not in any shape to face my parents and I had the rest of the week off, so I just went back over our life together and tried to find the truth in what Sam had said of me.

What I had to admit was that he was right that I believed as long as I kept the truth from him, there was no harm to him or our marriage. In fact, Rudy was not the first time I had betrayed our marriage and Sam.

The first time was just after Melissa was born. Sam and I had just begun to resume lovemaking but I was not yet feeling feminine and desirable. I felt like a mom! In this mood, I had gone to a kickoff dinner related to my job with three clients from Columbia, SC. We had sponsored a concert with them for disadvantaged children that had made a lot of money. We were celebrating and it got quite rowdy.

One of the clients was a young man, probably 6 or 7 years younger than me and he had been coming on to me all evening. He was careful not to be too obvious to his companions, but it was clear to me. I was responding because he made me feel exactly how I wanted to feel: sexy!

Towards the end of the evening, I got up to go to the ladies room and found him waiting in the hall when I came out. He didn't say a word but he took my hand and pulled me around the corner into an open conference room. I have to admit that I went willingly. At that time of night, no one was around and it was dark inside the room. He pushed me back against one of the walls and smothered any sound I might have made by pressing his mouth to mine. His kiss made my knees weak and I felt the stirrings of desire.

He pulled my blouse loose from my skirt and slid his hand up under my bra to cup my breast. His hand rubbed my nipple and I felt it grow erect. I didn't resist and it felt wonderful. I dropped my hand down between his legs and grabbed his erection through his pants. It felt to be a good size and I wanted it in my hand. With my other hand, I undid his zipper and reached in to take him out. It was hot, and big and hard. It was magnificent. I groaned into his mouth and then dropped to my knees on the carpeted floor and took him in my mouth. I tasted a drop of pre cum and it was enough to make me want more. He let me work his cock until it was as hard as iron and then he reached down to pull me back up. He lifted my skirt to my waist and pulled aside my panties. I raised one leg and hooked it to his waist to make entry easier. He put one hand on my hand, the one still holding his cock, and had me guide him into my wetness. He entered me in one swift plunge and it took my breath away. I put my arms around his neck to pull him tighter. He fucked me hard that way for about 5 minutes while we kept our mouths together to avoid making any noise. He was stroking into me powerfully, slamming me against the wall until he suddenly tensed and stopped, buried as deep as he could inside me. I felt him shoot his seed deep into my womb. One, two, three powerful spurts and then he relaxed. I came at the same time. I held him against me until I finally sagged. I lowered my leg and he backed out of me. I squeezed my legs together and, avoiding looking at him or saying anything to him, dropped my skirt and tucked my blouse back in and went to the door. I saw no one so I left and reentered the restroom to clean myself out.

I left the party soon after without talking to him, and went home to face my husband. I went through a week of hell, but decided not to tell him and to try to live with what I had done. I did and never thought of it again until now. I realized that what happened then and what happened with Rudy was too similar to ignore. Both times were with someone I had just met. Both times were after drinking at a party and both times were a betrayal of my marriage vows. There was no way to justify what I had done and no way to argue that Sam was wrong when he said that I felt that if he didn't know, somehow it was all right. I knew that I had a very distorted view of what my marriage meant to me. I needed help.

I finally decided to go back home to my empty house. I already felt the loss of my husband, my best friend and confidant. Having my children back would help some but they could not fill my empty bed and my lonely evenings. I decided that I had to have them with me so I made plans to pick them up first thing the next morning. I wanted one more night alone with my thoughts.

It was Friday when I called mom to tell her I was coming over to pick up the kids. She said she would get them ready to go but wanted to talk with me for a while. I knew that she suspected what had happened and I wasn't sure I was ready for her. I had to deal with it sooner or later so I might as well get it over with. I left for her place with a heavy heart.

"Hi, mom. Where are the kids?" Mom was in the kitchen as usual baking and cooking. I didn't know how she and dad kept so slim. Neither one ever seemed to gain weight in spite of the wonderful food always available.

"They're with your father on a trip to the grocery store. I sent him off when I knew you were coming. I want to talk with you about things." She had it planned as usual and was in charge.

"I suppose you know that Sam left me?" I might as well get to it.

"Yes, I know. He called your dad and I Monday afternoon. Told me he had a new job and was going to be gone for some time. Didn't say much more to me except that you would probably need my help with the kids. He did come by and talk with dad though. Don't know what all he told him." She wiped her hands on the towel she always kept tucked into her apron. "He left because of you, didn't he?"

"I betrayed him mom. I slept with a man I met in Savanna and then made it worse by planning to do it again. Somehow, Sam found out about the time in Savanna and then figured out that I had plans when I told him I had to go back. He actually caught me naked in a hotel room with another man." It helped to be able to share it with someone that wouldn't judge me.

"What made Sam mad was my attitude that if he didn't know about it, it couldn't hurt him and it was OK." I was able to tell her the whole thing and it felt good. "He said that I had to figure out what I expected from a marriage and that he couldn't accept my idea of no harm, no foul." As I told mom what Sam had told me, I began to realize just how stupid I had been and how callous my idea of fidelity was. Sam was right!

"I have to tell you girl that your man is absolutely right and that you have a twisted idea of what marriage is all about. I don't know where you got that idea. It certainly wasn't from me. I understand what my marriage vows mean and I honor your father. There is no two ways about that. It either is or it isn't!"

"But I love Sam with all my heart and my marriage is the most important thing in the world to me. How can you think otherwise?" If mom thought this about me I was lost. She had to understand.

"I would do anything to keep Sam. He didn't give me a chance and he didn't try to fight for us. He just left me. He may have been right about my cheating but he didn't give me a chance to explain."

"Explain what? That you slept with another man and that you were going to do it again? Let me ask you what you could say to make it right?" She looked directly at me as she said this. The look on her face was the one I used to see when I had done something wrong and she was about to lay into me.

"I don't know of any reason in the world that you can say gave you the right to betray your man. If you have one, let me hear it right now!"

"I didn't say it was right, I just wanted to say why I did it." She must listen.

"If it's wrong to do, it makes no difference why you did it." She was relentless.

"But, I had too much to drink and he was trying to seduce me. That's why it happened."

"That's bull and you know it. A married woman doesn't get drunk with another man and she doesn't put herself in another man's hands when she can't think straight. You did both, so I don't want to hear that as an excuse."

"Mom, I'm all screwed up! I know I was wrong but I don't know why I did it. You are right, I keep trying to find an excuse that I can live with but I can't. I was wrong and my husband left me. He was right about me. This wasn't the first time, even though he didn't know that. I want things I shouldn't and I don't want him to find out because he would stop me." As I said it, I realized that it was the truth. I didn't want to be stopped from doing the things I did. I wanted what I wanted and I didn't want Sam in the way.

"Finally, you admit it. You were selfish and your marriage was the price you paid for it. Now you have to decide what you want to do from here on in. I can tell you this girl, if you want the same things he wants, then you have to expect the same things from yourself as you expect from him."

She paused a minute and then asked, "Would it be OK with you if Sam came home and told you he had found a new love?"

"I would die! I don't want Sam to leave me for someone else. I love him and our life together. Why would I want him to find someone else to share his life with?" I had no idea where she was going with this.