I checked out of the hotel less than 20 minutes after Sam left. I put on the jeans and sweater that I traveled from Atlanta in and threw everything else in my overnight. I called the desk and told them I was checking out and the key was on the desk. They could send me the final bill.
I got my car from the garage and left Savanna in a rush. I hit Interstate 16 and locked the car on cruise control. I needed to think! I needed to have my story straight when I got home to face Sam. I didn't know how he had found me out but I needed to decide what he knew and how much I could tell him. I wanted only to find a way to save our marriage. I had done the damage and I didn't know what I could do but I had to try. The truth would have been more effective if I had told him three weeks ago. Then it was a one-time thing and he would probably understand. We could find a way past that. This however was a planned betrayal that went terribly wrong. That I couldn't explain away.
Maybe he had come there just to surprise me and spend the night with me to make the trip more pleasant. Maybe he had looked for me and saw me with Rudy in the restaurant and put two and two together. Maybe he followed me to the room and then waited for a few minutes to see if Rudy came back out. That would explain the flowers. He had probably picked them up as a surprise for me. I began to relax a little thinking I could explain this as a one time thing. "I'm sorry Sam. We had dinner, some wine, I was too relaxed and things got out of hand". He could buy that, if he didn't know about the first time. Should I take the chance? I thought this over for the next hour. Then I remembered! He had known Rudy's name! That meant he already knew about him, and I had to admit to the first time. That would be the best way to convince him that I was telling the truth. That seemed like my best bet.
By the time I hit the outskirts of Atlanta, I had decided to be totally honest and tell Sam everything, including the first time three weeks ago. I had no choice since I didn't know what he knew or how he knew it. Sam was not as dumb as people thought when they first met him. He was smart, witty and a good man at heart. I was going to trust to his goodness and pray.
I walked into our home with my heart in my throat, only to find the place empty. Sam was not there and I guessed that the kids were with my parents. Sam must have left them there when he came to Savanna. I went into our bedroom and looked around. Everything was as it should be so I knew he hadn't left me. I breathed a small sigh of relief. I changed into my PJs, fixed a cup of coffee and sat down in the family room and waited.
Sam walked in about an hour later. He just stood there and looked at me. As he did, I could feel my face turn red and my breathing become shallow. I remembered what this man did for a living and suddenly realized just how much danger I had exposed Rudy to. I remembered the look on Sam's face in the hotel room and finally understood the control he had exercised not to kill Rudy. He had him down and vulnerable and just slapped him. He could just as easily have ended Rudy's life right then and there. I never considered that he would hurt me: that wasn't Sam.
When Sam didn't say anything, I couldn't stand it any more. I began to cry. I hadn't cried this whole night. Not on the way home, not after I had arrived at home and not while I waited for Sam. I broke down and cried. I was sobbing so hard I could hardly catch my breath. During it all, Sam had gone into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. When I recovered enough to look at him, he was sitting in his favorite chair with a cup in his hands. He was just watching me.
He waited until I stopped and finally said, "Well, do you feel better now?" He wasn't smiling nor was he sincere. He was simply cold. "I hope you feel better because I don't." Again, he simply watched me, waiting for me to explain myself. Waiting for something that he could accept that would make what I had done understandable. I had nothing to give him.
"I don't know what to say or where to start. I know saying I'm sorry is a poor beginning, but I am. I'm sorry for what I did and I'm sorry you had to find out. I wish I had never done it, but it's too late for that. I know you won't believe this, but it really had nothing to do with you and I. It was simply about me. What I wanted and what I did. You and the kids never entered into it. That part was dishonest, dirty and base. You and the kids don't deserve to ever see that part of me. I'm sorry you did." He still didn't speak.
"The first time with Rudy was three weeks ago when we went to Savanna. I had too much to drink and Rudy helped me back to the hotel. I had drunk too much wine and it made me behave like a fool. I wanted him to make love to me and I encouraged him. He simply took what I offered. He stayed the night and left the next morning. I had planned to spend the night with him this time but it was to be the last time. I thought that since you didn't know about it, you wouldn't be hurt and I could do it one more time before never seeing him again." By this time, I was exhausted and I just told the story as it happened. No emotion, no feeling and no guilt. It happened and it was over. It was no longer important. What Sam chose to do was all that I cared about.
Sam just sat there watching me. I looked at him but couldn't hold his eyes. I hung my head and waited. He would determine where my life would go from here on.
"I knew about the first time two weeks after you came back. I won't tell you how I knew but I did. I knew his name, who he was, and what he did. He has quite a reputation if you didn't know. He is married and has three children. They are all younger than Jennie. He makes it a point to seduce women for his collection. You were just one of the cheap thrills he scored." His look was one of scorn and derision. I realized what a fool I had been and understood now that I was just a piece of married ass to Rudy. "I don't suppose you even cared about his wife and his children? You certainly didn't care about me and ours."
"I didn't confront you at that time because I wanted to wait and see if I could live with your infidelity. I knew what you had done but I didn't confront you because I had to be sure in my own mind what I could live with. I had almost come to the decision that I could forget and forgive when you suddenly announced your trip to Savanna. I almost lost it when you said that. If you remember, I asked you some questions that suggested I wanted you to not go, but you had answers for all of them. You had decided to betray me and you were going to do it regardless. You had already convinced yourself that I couldn't know about your cheating."
"Sunday night when I talked about our family and our marriage and told you that I would never do anything to jeopardize it, do you remember what you said to me? You said 'Of course you could do nothing that would hurt the kids or me, and neither would I.' You said,
neither would I
. But, you did, didn't you? You fucked away our happy family. You gave it all up for a stupid shit that just wanted a piece of ass. You were so ready to suck his cock and fuck him and for what? For what!"
Sam was struggling to stay in control. I had seen him angry before but never like this. I have to admit I was frightened of this side of him. A gentle, peaceful man that was a teddy bear with his children and always gentle with me. This was what I had created: an angry, ticking bomb ready to explode.
"I am not going to make any decisions now. I am angry and I know better than to decide anything when I am like this. For the next few days, I ask that you leave me alone and stay out of my way. I think you should call your parents and ask them to take care of the kids for a couple more days. I don't want them around at this time." He paused for a minute and then said, "Maybe you should stay at your parent's place as well?"
"I will not hide out with my parents. I want to face this and have it out as soon as you are ready. I did this and I will face whatever is to come. But, I will not leave my home. And before you say anything, this is still my home, at least for now." I was not going to leave my home or my children. He and I could part but not without a fight.
"Fine. I'll sleep in the spare bedroom or stay at the base. I don't want to sleep in the same bed with you because I don't share my wife! You already made plans for tonight that didn't include me. You can sleep with your memory of him. I'm sorry I ruined your night of fun and fucking." Sam looked at me with a look of anger that scared me. I had never seen that look in his eyes before.
The next week passed with both of us avoiding the other and treading carefully so as not to create tension. I was hopeful since Sam had not left me or made any suggestions that he or I leave. Sam did spend a lot of evenings out of the house and when he came home, he usually went straight to bed. I didn't know what he was doing and I was afraid to ask. Things stayed this way until that Friday, when Sam suggested that we get the children and bring them home. I agreed quickly and went to pick them up. I didn't discuss anything with my parents, as I didn't want them involved. I hoped that having the children at home would make things less tense.
Sam asked me to come into the family room that Saturday evening after we had put the kids to bed. He said that we needed to talk and that he felt he was able to do so calmly and rationally. I could only hope. I did realize that we needed to do this.
"I have come to some conclusions and made some decisions. Some I can tell you about now and some need to wait for a while to see how things go. If you agree, I think we should take some time together to be alone. We need to do that to see if I can still make love to you as my wife. I can get a cabin at the lake for a few days if that's OK."
"That's wonderful news. Yes, I agree that we need some time alone and I want you back in my bed where you belong. I am your wife and nothing has happened to change that. I know you see it differently, but I am still here. I love you and have never stopped loving you." I was suddenly hopeful that we could get past this and get our life back. Inwardly, I smiled for the first time in a long time,
"We'll see. We can leave Sunday night and stay a couple of days. I have time off, if you can take time as well? I don't want to wait."
"I don't care what they say, I'll take the time anyway. I'll call in tonight and leave word that I have an emergency and will be out for a week. We can leave anytime."
We made arrangements with my mom to take the kids and she agreed, suspecting that we had problems that needed time to work out. The kids were cool since they loved staying with the grandparents. They spoiled them rotten! We packed some things and left just after dinner on Sunday. We were at the cabin in just over an hour and were able to catch some time in the sun before it set. It had started as a pleasant outing and I hoped it would continue that way.
