Road Map
Some time ago I read a story in Loving Wives in which there was an anniversary celebration of some sort at which the wife made some grossly inappropriate remarks about her partner's marital sexual abilities. I especially remember her reporting something like "he couldn't find my clitoris with a road map." For some reason that remark stuck with me and then one day the perfect come back came to me.
Twenty eight years ago yesterday my friend James Gilmore and I, Josh Peterson, formed a partnership and utilizing our complimentary talents went into the design engineering business. Things were tough at first but we persevered, sold our services carefully and finally managed to establish a sold base of business. We also tinkered with a few ideas and products that had been rejected by others. On several of these we were wildly successful and we went from just getting by to holy shit rich.
Along the way we acquired dozens of employees, a wife apiece, kids, homes, country club memberships and many more problems than we had when we were wise ass engineering students. We also acquired the services of a brilliant accountant who was a genius in sheltering money from the IRS and inquiring wives. This was important because my prospective wife had parents who wanted to protect their precious daughter's money. I therefore gladly volunteered a prenup which not only protected my growing fortune but insured that my dear wife would remain faithful during our marriage.
In the early years, my wife Sheila had been a good partner, loving mother to our two boys and a supportive helper in the business. In recent years however she had frankly become a pain in the ass. Her harping about almost everything not only cooled our ardor in the bedroom but soured most aspects of married life. The reappearance of her old college chum Mary Alice McGafferty after years of living in another part of the country seemed to coincide with the change in the wife's attitude. Now with relations between us frayed and the boys both away for college, the stage was set for our twenty fifth anniversary gathering.
The fact that Sheila had stuck with the marriage this long was due I believe to three principal factors. The first and foremost was the prenup that her family had insisted upon and which bound her to our marriage unless I screwed up and was unfaithful. The second reason was that no matter how hard she investigated, she could not prove that I had cheated on her. The third and final reason was that she couldn't find a suitably rich alternative to me.
As noted we were approaching the twenty fifth anniversary of our now loveless marriage. Of longer duration and much more stability was my partnership with James Gilmore. Jim and I went way back Engineering School when we were assigned as lab partners. Somehow we just clicked and by the end of our first year together we were fast friends. His girlfriend, Betty Hastings, was a year younger than Jim and joined our social group the following year. Betty was a good looking girl that didn't go out of the way to be overtly glamorous but had that kind of warm sexuality that is really appealing.
Over the years Shelia's social relationship with Jim and Betty blew sort of hot and cold. Shelia made an effort to bring them into our/her group of friends without a great deal of success. They just didn't fit in and I didn't blame them because most of Shelia's friends were the loud party type of people and the Gilmore's were much more reserved. Jim and I of course had a great relationship and we were like twins when it came to problem solving and design concepts. Betty was a wonderful support for Jim and in the early days of the business, worked many unpaid hours to insure our success. Unfortunately for them, they were unable to have children of their own but to the extent that Shiela allowed, I shared ours with them.
Jim started having health issues when we were about seventeen years into the business. From there it was gradually downhill until his death two years ago. Throughout his decline, illness and eventual death, I kept him at full partner's pay because of his contributions to the early success of the partnership and my affection for both of them. Shiela of course objected to money going to them but I ignored her wishes.
Unbeknownst to Shiela, several months ago I was approached by a conglomerate that was interested in our patents and several of our proprietary designs. We talked back and forth for weeks and eventually settled on an off shore purchase of the intellectual property for fifty two million and the local bricks and mortar for one point two. The reason for the split price was that Jim, Betty and I owned the intellectual property through an off shore corporation headquartered in Switzerland and Shiela owned the bricks and mortar which would soon be looking for a tenant.
Since the boys were now out of the house and away at school it was time for me to ramp up the "get rid of Sheila" program. Over the years my dear wife had broken her own prenup numerous times and I had ample graphic evidence of same. When her long time college friend Mary Alice had moved back into the area the two of them partnered in clandestine debaunchery. Little did they know that most of their escapades had been captured with video and digital imagery.
My sources told me that Sheila had something planned for the anniversary celebration and therefore I was prepared with my own counter response.
The days leading up to the Saturday night event were quiet and one could say reflective as if both of us were carefully considering all of the alternatives before taking action at the party. Sheila was dressed to the nines and was as primped and made up as a forty year old shrew could be. I had not seen her eat much the entire day no doubt because of the need to squeeze into a dress several sizes too small. The lack of any bulk in her stomach immediately led to problems when we arrived at the reception.
During the pre dinner cocktails, waiters circulated with trays of champagne and my wife made sure to keep hydrated with the bubbly drink. Sheila and I were separated early on by the crush of well wishers, friends, relatives and social contacts. Knowing I was speaking this evening, I saved my significant drinking for later in the evening and Shelia did not.
When we were called to sit down I found my wife quite plastered and just barely manageable. I got her seated and tried to fill her with rolls and other appetizers but to no avail. Not even her dinner companion Mary Alice could handle her.
Somehow we made it through the dinner and to the desert speeches and happy toasts. A number of them were heartfelt and sincere and were quite meaningful. Others were playfully funny and drew nice laughs and then it was my turn. As I started to rise Sheila grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back down and jumped up herself.
"Freeends an relatives I wanna sy a coupl thigs bout this fuckin great marriage. Asshole heere is a shit lover an i know for fact that he couldn't find a clit width a fuckin road map."
With that I pulled her down and her friend Mary Alice who was sitting next to her pulled her into her arms to calm her and shut her up.
