Richest Man in the World

I am the richest man in the world. Really. Every business magazine says so. Most people recognize me on sight.

You know the old saying, "Money is the root of all evil." How stupid. Everyone knows that money brings happiness.

I knew it too, and I went through five divorces trying to prove it. I just didn't find the right one, that's all. Well, actually I did, but there was an insurmountable problem.

I met Becky in my five-star hotel room, even before I met my first wife. I sat at the desk working while she cleaned. I had started my first business when I was thirteen. Since then, I'd spent every spare minute working, so I had little experience with women. Becky was friendly, and I knew how to put people at ease, so we were soon in a conversation. I was taken by her sincerity and lack of avarice. All the women I knew wanted my money. Becky was a breath of fresh air. I asked her out.

"I don't date guests," she answered, fluffing the pillows.

"I won't be a guest next week. Will you go out with me then?"

"No. You won't be a guest, but you'll still be the richest man in the world. Too much money corrupts people. It would never work out." Her reaction surprised me. I hadn't asked her for marriage, just a date.

I made sure to be working in my room every day that week when she was due. I felt a real friendship developing, but she wouldn't change her mind. I left her a gigantic tip one day and she handed it back with a frown. I knew better than to try again.

I forgot all about Becky when I met Sasha. I was full of happiness when we married. We had two good years, then Sasha left me, taking everything she could get. Devastated, I thought of Becky again. My assistant found out she still worked at the same hotel. He booked me into one of the rooms that Becky cleaned. We became reacquainted as she worked each day in my room. She was a great comfort in my sorrow. I played on her sympathy and she agreed to dinner, although she insisted I move out of the hotel first. "I don't date guests," she still declared.

We had a wonderful time. At the end of the dinner she said, "I had a great evening. You'll get over your loss in time. I'm sorry but we can't go out again." I was dumfounded, but I knew how stubborn she was.

I was certain my second marriage to Hannah would last forever. But it hadn't even lasted as long as the first one, when Hannah made her grab. Alone again, Becky came to mind. We found her working as a hostess in a family restaurant. I stood next to her hostess podium, quietly begging and pleading until she let me take her to dinner and a movie. I would have flown her to the Riviera, but that was all she wanted. Still, I hadn't had that much fun in a long time. The same for her. But the inevitable happened. "Thank you for the nice time. I wish you weren't rich because I really like you. But I can't see you again." She made me utterly crazy.

My third wife, Heidi, was independently wealthy. And the third time was a charm, right? Wrong. Not long after I said "I do" Heidi said "I don't", leaving me for my closest business partner. They snatched everything they could get as they walked away.

Becky was processing medical claims now. I coaxed her into two dates this time. When I took her home the second night I said, "Becky, we were made for each other. You know it's true. At least give it a try."

"Not while you have all that money. You already know what it does."

"What do you want? Do you expect me to give it all away?" She just looked at me. She could still make me crazy.

The fourth time around, I knew I was safe. Eve was not only wealthy, I got a pre-nup. She would get nothing if she divorced me. But Eve still found a way to stick it to me. She financed lavish serial affairs with my credit cards until I divorced her.

By now I felt jaded and used. I didn't go looking for Becky. I knew how that would go. I vowed to leave women alone forever. But I got lonely and Rhonda talked me into dance number five. We didn't dance for long. "Sucker," Rhonda said, walking out the door and heading for her lawyer's office.

I was more depressed than ever. Becky had become the supervisor of her little group of medical claims processors. She gave me three dates this time. Her sister had died and Becky had adopted her two small children. They came with us. They actually liked me. I liked them. But after the third night Becky said, "No more. You know why." It still made me crazy. I was in love with her. She was in love with me. I tried to win her with flowers and candy and jewelry. The flowers and candy brought notes that said, "Thanks, but please leave me alone." The jewelry got returned.

One night I stood on the deck of my biggest yacht, staring at my largest mansion, on the shore of my private island paradise. That's when I made my decision. Some worthy charities would soon be very happy.

I secured a job as a bookkeeper. When I had enough money for a modest honeymoon for the four of us, I knocked on her door. We all loved every second of that trip.

We'd just returned to start our new life together, when someone passing us on the street recognized me. She said, "I know I've seen your picture, but I just can't place you."

You know what's coming, right? I gazed fondly at my happy bride and my wonderful children and said, "I'm the richest man in the world."