RENT-A-HUSBAND
"Honey, you know I love you..."
I immediately knew I was in trouble.
"But, I need some 'me' time, to go out with other people and... Where are you going?"
"I'm going to go pack, Inga. You want to go out and fuck other men. Our marriage is over. I'm moving out."
"No, Chris. You don't understand. I didn't say anything about having sex with other men."
"Are you saying that when you got out with other people you won't have sex with another man?"
"Well... "
"That tells me all I need to know."
"But, we need to talk about this. I need to tell you why I... "
"No, you don't. You don't want me to be your husband anymore and I'm giving you what you want. No more discussion is needed."
"But I DO want you to stay my husband. I'm sure I'll come back a better wife so we... Chris, will you stop! I'm trying to talk to you."
"Inga, you want me to stay your husband while you go out and act single. Nice slogan for you: 'I stray, you stay.' When you decide to come back IF you decide to come back, I'm supposed to be waiting patiently for you as if nothing happened and forgive whatever you did with however many men you sampled. What you want is a Rent-A-Husband, not a marriage."
"Don't say that. Now that I think of it, I just won't do this if you're going to be this way. We can just go back to where we were."
"No, we can't. Until today, I was married to a wife I loved with all my heart, and I thought loved me just as much. I have been absolutely and totally faithful while you have been plotting to have sex with other men. You're now asking me to marry a woman who wants to go out on her husband. I don't want to be married to that kind of woman or, in your case, stay married to that kind of woman."
"But I haven't done anything."
"You say you haven't had extramarital sex YET! What you have done is make clear you don't want me as your exclusive lover. You just haven't done the worst deed on the cheating scale, or so you say. I sincerely wonder if you haven't already done it."
"How dare you accuse me of cheating on you!"
"I dare because YOU said you want to. I don't see it as a great leap of assumption on my part to think you haven't already done something about it. I bet that if I could read your mind right now, a man's name would suddenly appear as the first man you want to try out or have already fucked."
Her expression proved me to be right. She screamed, cried and begged as I packed. Upon leaving, I told her. "I will have you served at work so all the men there will know that you have switched from being an unofficial adultress to being an official slut."
"Fuck you, Chris!"
*****
CHRIS
I filed under Irreconcilable Differences. Inga fought tooth and nail. I finally had to let her have five years of alimony and split assets. She kept the apartment which meant she had to pay the full rent. I had to find another place, cheaper than I was used to paying. Cheaper place, lousier place. If her boyfriend moves in with her and shares expenses, it will be a matter of the court financially rewarding her for her cheating.
All during the divorce procedure, I kept thinking back to the statement I had made about Rent-A-Husband. It gave me an idea. I started going to bars and clubs to talk to men and women who no longer had a spouse. Most were reluctant to get married again but felt the pressure to do something to replace some if not all of what they missed. They all believed they needed a partner, but the role in the family they missed most from the spouse differed from person to person. I started to talk to the guys and gals about my idea to help. Many thought my idea was a good possibility. After I had talked to enough guys and done my homework on them, I started advertising my new social service: Rent-A-Husband.
"Open letter to those women who are not married anymore, don't particularly want to be, but still need something more in their lives. Maybe you need an escort to events, dances, reunions, etc. Maybe you need a man in the house for safety concerns. Maybe you need a father figure for your children. Maybe you need someone who can do the household, car maintenance and yard chores a husband usually does. Maybe you need someone to share the household expenses and chores. Maybe you need companionship, someone to snuggle with, someone to watch chick flics with, or someone who has a dry shoulder to cry on. You can have what you need from a man without being married. Maybe you need to Rent-A-Husband.
"Rent-A-Husband has a catalogue of possible husbands to rent. Our agency has done extensive psychological testing and background checks -- probably a lot more than you did when you chose your last husband. Meet the person who looks right to you. Discuss what would be expected for them to do for you. If he looks like a possibility, take a six-week trial run.
"This is not an Extended Stay Escort service. Sex will NOT be part of the written contract with any of the men in our service. If that occurs, that would have to be part of an unwritten agreement the two parties make outside of our agency's purview.
"Not happy being without a man for any reason, give us a call. We might have the answer."
Our first few callers were 'Are you for real?' calls. Some were calls for men who wanted to sign up. Eventually, we had some women come in to look at the catalogues. Gradually, we had some women go on the six-week trial. Most of them went on to a more indefinite agreement.
A couple of years went by, and Rent-A-Husband had become very popular. Some woman started a Rent-A-Wife service which soon got busted as a prostitution scam. That was the reason I was so careful to rule out sex being part of the deal. We wanted to be looked at more as a dating service than an Escort service.
I began to get calls from men in other cities that wanted to open a franchise of Rent-A-Husband in their town. I began making plans to expand. I took a call one day that I was not expecting.
"Rent-A-Husband, how may I help you?"
"I need a husband."
I recognized the voice. "Hello, Inga. How are you?"
"Miserable, Chris. That's why I called."
"Alright, I can tell you how we select the men in our catalogue and then you can come look. You can select one and talk with him."
"I know who I want."
I was afraid of that. "I'm not available, Inga."
"You're not married now, why not?"
"I told you. I cannot be married to a woman who wants to have other men."
"That's me, now."
"I took your word for it once and you lied. Why should I believe you now?"
"Because I spent over a year in therapy, and I know better now. I've come to realize what I had and what I lost. I know what I want again. Chris, I'm not the woman I was before I got stupid. I'm not even the woman I was when I got stupid. I'm different, hopefully in a better way. All I ask is for you to see for yourself. You can't tell me that you stopped loving me totally."
"Inga, I never stopped loving the 'you' that existed before you started wanting other men. It was the intensity of the love that made your betrayal so hard on me. The 'stupid woman' named Inga tore my heart out. I don't think I can take the risk on an alleged 'new and improved' Inga."
"I'm not asking we get married right away although I hope that happens eventually. You give your Rent-A-Husband women a six-week trial run. Why not me? Give me six weeks to show you I've changed."
"I suppose you would expect us to have sex?"
"Expect? No. Hope for? Yes. After you left, I went out with other men and, yes, I had sex with some. I was incredibly disappointed. I got more excitement from my sex toys than I did with those men. The best sex I had from those men was worst than the worse sex I ever had with you. I cried a lot before I went to therapy. Basically, I found out that I was wrong: wrong to even consider cheating on you. Wrong to expect for you to accept my dalliances and wait for me to return. Wrong to defend my position when I knew I shouldn't have done it.
"I don't know what to do to show you I've changed other than to let you see for yourself by being with me. Set any conditions you wish, just please give me a second chance."
"My stomach is churning at the thought of being with you again. I need time to think about it some more."
"My phone number hasn't changed. Call me any time."
*****
CHRIS MEETS CHERYL
I went to the bathroom and threw up as soon as Inga left. My belief that I had moved on was shattered. I would not have vomited unless there were still a lot of unresolved feelings. I became determined to get my mind off Inga. I got assistance in that pursuit in a surprising way.
"Hello, welcome to... Cheryl?"
"On my gosh, is that you Chris?" I hugged my old neighbor and friend.
"I didn't recognize the last name when I saw who was coming in for an interview today."
"That's because I went back to my maiden name when I got rid of that cheating bastard, Steve. I heard a rumor that you got divorced because Inga cheated on you."
"In fairness to her, she announced she was going to start going out with other people and if sex happened, it happened. For some reason, she thought I would agree to that."
"I know. Some people want something so badly, they can't believe someone else won't see things the same way as they do. Steve couldn't believe I wouldn't forgive him since he apologized and promised not to do it again. I couldn't stand it when he said, "I said I'm sorry. Isn't that enough?" He has told everyone stupid enough to listen that I completely overreacted. In my opinion, he was lucky. I almost 'overreacted' by crushing his thick skull with his nine iron."
"Crystal, I don't want to waste your time here. Let's get some coffee later and catch up after you've looked at the catalogue."
"That sounds good, but I have one question, first."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Have you married again?"
I was taken aback by her question and the intention I assumed was behind it. I had always thought that Crystal was very attractive and sexy, but she was our neighbor and friend. I had never made a possible romantic connection partly based on each of us being happily married to other people. With her one question and the knowledge that both of us were single, I allowed myself to start feeling fuzzy inside. Part of me became increasingly interested outside.
"No. I'm single."
