Regret and Loneliness

Disclaimer : No sex in this one.

Shalini woke up with a start. She'd just had a horrible nightmare. But its memory was already fading as she woke up. Within a few moments she couldn't remember anything from that terrifying dream.

As her own breathing came back to normal, she heard the soft snoring of the man sleeping on the bed beside her.

Once again, she was overcome with guilt as a shiver went up her lithe naked body when she thought about her husband, Raj and their two children, who were in another city.

Shalini had never intended to cheat on her husband, in fact she could not stand cheaters.

But all that had changed about ten months ago. Without realizing it, she had found herself falling for Vijay, her handsome boss. The casual flirting had slowly given way to discreet touches, whispered secrets over prolonged lunches and then to a full blown affair.

In the beginning, every time she would go back home to her family after a tryst with her lover, she would resolve to end the affair; her husband didn't deserve what she was doing to him. But in a couple of days, she would be on her back, under her boss once again.

Throughout it all, Shalini never stopped loving Raj. She never wanted to hurt him. So she took every precaution to keep her sordid affair hidden from him. She tried to be careful to never refuse him, making sure that nothing changed between them in the bedroom; anything new could make him suspicious!

She couldn't understand why she was betraying her husband like this. He was the best man she had ever met, much better in every respect than the man now sleeping beside her.

Maybe it was Vinay's arrogance and aggressiveness that attracted her? But her husband could be quite aggressive too... and it wasn't like Vinay was better in bed, just different.

So, convincing herself that she wasn't taking anything away from her marriage, the 36 year old wife and mother had continued with her affair.

But now, ten months later, the affair seemed to have run its course. This night would be the last night that she and Vinay would be together.

They had both agreed that it was best to stop seeing each other now. They'd had their fun and now it was time to say goodbye.

This three day trip out of town, in a hill resort in Central India, had been sort of a farewell fuckfest.

Part of her was glad that it would soon be over. As she lay awake in that hotel suite, Shalini promised herself that she would be the best wife ever. She would spend the rest of her life making it up to her husband.

He deserved so much better than what she had been doing. She was glad that Raj had never found out.

Shalini shuddered to think what would happen if he did find out. How could she have been so stupid?! All of this was definitely not worth the risk of destroying her family.

Tears came into her eyes once again as she thought about how deeply and desperately she loved her husband. She'd be completely lost without him.

Turning away from her sleeping paramour, she hugged her pillow and sobbed silently as she thought about her husband. How she loved his smile! No matter how low or how scared she was, all he had to do was look at her and smile and she knew that everything would be alright.

She thought about how secure she felt in his strong arms, as he gently held her and ran his fingers through her long hair. His voice could still make her heart skip a beat.

Shalini tried to remember when was the last time he had held her like that.

A chill spread through her heart when she realized that she couldn't remember it.

With growing anxiety, she tried to remember the last time she had made love with her husband. All she could remember was the night of her birthday, two months back. But they hadn't made love then. She had faked an illness that night because she was so sore because of the pounding Vinay had given her that afternoon.

For the first time Shalini thought about the expression on Raj's face that night when she had refused him. It wasn't disappointment... it wasn't even anger... was it relief?

There on the bed, Shalini felt the beginnings of a panic attack as she thought, "Does he know? Does Raj know?... No! He can't!... He'd have done something by now if he knew.... he couldn't know... he just couldn't!"

The beautiful wife drew a breath in horror as she realized that she hadn't made love with her husband in over two months!

No, not just two months, it was longer than that, much longer.... it was about six months ago. And they hadn't made love that last time, they had had sex. Raj had seemed distracted...

Shalini covered her face with the bedsheet in horror as the memories of that night came flooding back. How could she have been so stupid and blind?

She was losing her husband and she didn't even know it. Raj had insisted on taking her from behind, avoided looking at her face even after they had finished and had gone to work on his laptop after washing up, instead of cuddling with her as usual.

He knew, he had to know.... or at least he suspected something.

The young mother pressed her face into the pillow that was now soaked with her tears as she felt her life crumbling around her. Over six months! How could she have let that happened?

She realized that she had decided early in her affair, to never turn down her husband. But she hadn't had to turn him down because he had not approached her in the last six months, except for the one night on her birthday and that was the night she had to refuse him.

She had refused him and he had seemed almost relieved.

Shalini was overcome with a jealous rage as she thought that maybe her husband was also stepping out on her.

Then she started sobbing once again at her own hypocrisy as she realized that Raj would never do that to her. He just wasn't built that way. He always put her and their children before himself.

But one tiny ray of hope shone through the deep darkness that was now clouding her mind; he hadn't left her. Even if he knew, Raj hadn't left her. That meant she still had a chance to fix their marriage.

It didn't matter if he had stayed just for the sake of the children. She would be the best wife, best lover, best woman that he could hope for. She would set everything right. And never would she ever stray again.

All the sneaking around that had seemed exciting at first was now just giving her anxiety attacks.

Wiping away her tears, she turned around and lay on her back again, removing the sheet from her face. She looked at the ceiling as she thought about her husband and children.

Shalini had got them all tickets to an amusement park near Pune city and booked a hotel room for them. It was going to be Raj's birthday the next day.

Her plan was to go and join her family on Raj's birthday.

But before that, she and Vinay had planned their last tryst together before she went back to her husband for good. So a day after she left for her last 'business trip', her husband and children had left for Pune.

Raj had not wanted to go without her. But she had insisted that the children could enjoy themselves at the amusement park for a day before she would come and join them. Maybe she had done that just to assuage her guilt somewhat... she wanted her family to have a good time even as she was having a good time of her own.

Shalini had spoken to her children on the phone that afternoon; they were having fun. But she couldn't speak to their father. They said he had gone to get them some snacks. It was just as well, she was feeling rotten enough speaking to her children with a phone in one hand and her lover's erect dick in another. Speaking to her husband like that would have made her sick. Things like this which were so sordidly exciting in the beginning now just made her stomach turn.

Looking up at the ceiling, she whispered, "Never again... never again!... I'm getting out of here, first thing in the morning... I'm going to my family... to my husband... I'll spend the rest of my life making up for what I've done to them... I'll be the best wife and mother..."

Looking at her lover beside her, she realized that he would probably want to have one more session in the morning. And for the first time, she found that idea revolting. She decided to get up early and be ready to leave before Vinay even woke up.

As she reached over for her mobile phone to set an early alarm, Shalini noticed a light coming from theater room of the suite. She heard a noise, followed by some voices. One voice in particular sounded very familiar...

That voice... No! It couldn't be!... Please God, not him! Not here!

Just then, she saw the man that the voice belonged to walk into the room and her heart leapt into her mouth.

"Hey, Shaals." said Raj.

Shalini started to sit up, trying to cover her naked breasts with her sheet.

"Shhh...shhhh...shhhh..." said Raj, "Don't get up... no need to wake Vinay up."

Shalini's mind seemed frozen as she opened her mouth to speak but no words, no voice came out.

After waiting for a moment for his wife to speak, Raj continued, "I just wanted to talk to you..... the kids send their love, by the way; they wanted to come too but I didn't want them to see you like this."

Finally, Shalini managed a hoarse whisper, "... Sorry...".

Raj smiled. Even in this situation, his smile made her feel better.

"Don't worry about it." Raj said, "It's okay... I say this with the utmost sincerity: I wish you all the happiness and fulfillment in this world."

He paused for a moment and then continued with a laugh, (Oh, how she loved his boyish laugh!)

"Of course when I first found out about you two, I wished everything but happiness for you... but now..." he continued pensively, "... now that I see everything in the proper perspective... all this doesn't really matter."

Looking into the distance he said softly, "When I first found out, all those months ago, I was... I was... I don't know what I was... angry?... heartbroken?... I don't think there are any words in any language to express what I was truly feeling."

Drawing a deep breath and focusing his eyes back on his wayward wife, Raj said with a sad smile, "But as they say, all's well that ends well. You can now be with the man you love. I and the kids won't get in your way..."

Shalini saw tiny teardrops in his eyes as he continued, "I'm just sorry that I couldn't be a better husband... maybe if you'd have met Vinay before you met me, you wouldn't have wasted so many years of your life with me... How many years was it?... Fifteen?... yes fifteen years down the drain... I truly am sorry."

Then smiling again, Raj said, "But hey, now that you won't have to bother about us, you can build your life with him, with the man you love. You still have your whole life ahead of you and I'm sure that with him at your side, it's going to be a wonderful life... a life that you deserve, with your true love."

Shalini sat there listening with an open mouth, desperately trying to scream, "NO! YOU ARE MY TRUE LOVE! This has all been a mistake... a horrible mistake... You're the one I love... PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"

But all that came out of her mouth was a rasping breath.

And then, just when she thought that she had found her voice, Raj turned his head towards the outer room, as if listening to someone.

And he replied to that someone, "Really? What difference would that make? She couldn't possibly care less..."

He paused and said, "Okay, if you insist."

Turning to Shalini, Raj said, "Well, Shalini, I know it doesn't make any difference to you and you don't really care... but for what it's worth... I forgive you.... be happy Shalini."

As he said this, Shalini saw her husband's face light up.

He turned towards the outer room again and laughed saying, "Oh! I get it now. I had to say it for me!"

Turning back one last time to his wife, Raj said, "Well, that's it then. Goodbye Shalini. I wish both of you the best of everything."

"Where are you going?" Shalini rasped out.

Raj replied with a bright smile, "Home. Where else would I go now? I'm going home."

Turning away he walked into the outer room of the suite, looking happier than she had ever seemed him.

Shalini remained frozen on the bed for a few moments before she shook herself and jumped out of the bed. She ran into the outer room, without bothering to cover herself.

There was nobody there. The room was now dark. Dark and completely deserted. The door was locked and bolted from inside. As were the windows.

Terror gripped Shalini's heart as she ran back into the bedroom and fumbling for her phone, picked it up and managed to dial her husband's number. Waiting for the call to connect, she looked at the clock, it was just 10 p.m.

The call did not get through; her husband's phone was 'switched off or out of coverage area'.

One by one, she tried her children's phones, with the same result.

She let out a despairing sob. Finally her paramour, her lover, the man for whom she had been risking everything, woke up.

"What's wrong?" Vinay asked.

He had difficulty understanding her through her sobs as Shalini told him what had happened.

Finally, he said, "It was probably a bad dream... a real bad dream... don't worry, you'll be back with your family tomorrow... everything's going to be fine."

Vinay was also glad that their ten month long affair was coming to an end. Seducing the sexy wife had been a challenge and things were hot and heavy in the beginning. But her frequent guilt trips and anxiety attacks had started to get to him.

Besides he had laid his eyes one a new pretty young thing; she was newly married and he knew from experience that seducing a newly married woman was surprisingly easier than seducing a woman who had been married for a long time.

But now, he had to deal with the weeping woman in front of him first.

Convincing her to go back to sleep as there was nothing they could do until morning, Vinay also drifted back to sleep.

When he woke up, Shalini was already dressed up and ready to leave.

He had hoped to deposit one last load inside her detectable ass before sending her back to her husband but then considering what had happened last night, he didn't object when she left with a quick peck on his cheek.

Shalini took a cab to Pune, to the hotel where her family was staying. All through the journey she kept trying to call them up but couldn't get through. So she contented herself by urging the driver to go faster. Seeing the woman's obvious distress, he kept his cool and did actually drive much faster than usual. He didn't have the heart to tell her about the incident that was all over the news since last evening.

As they got closer to the place of the amusement park and the hotel, they were stopped by heavily armed policemen. The entire area had been cordoned off.

Shalini started crying and begged to cops to let her through, her family was in there.

One policeman looked at her with sympathy and asked a nearby policewoman to take care of her.

After paying the cabbie, Shalini went with the policewoman.

"What happened here? Why has this area been sealed off?" Shalini asked tearfully.

"Haven't you heard?" the policewoman answered, "The amusement park was attacked by Pakistani terrorists; they have also bombed the hotel, it's completely destroyed..."

Shalini cried out, "My children... my husband... they were there!"

The policewoman quickly reassured her, "There are many survivors. If you give me their names, I'm sure we'll find them soon. If they're not here, they must have been taken to a hospital..."

Two days later, Shalini was alone in her home. She had just returned from having to identify the dead bodies of her family. She haf barely managed to keep it together, just barely.

Her parents and in-laws were on their way from their respective hometowns. Her friends had left her alone for sometime to grieve by herself.

Alone in her room, she tried not to imagine the last terrifying moments of her family. It seemed that her husband had tried to shield the children with his body when the bullets had started flying. But it didn't do much good.

It was her fault that they were there in the first place. Raj hadn't even wanted to go but she had made them go just so she would feel a little less guilty about her filthy affair.

And now they were gone....

The worst part of it all was that the last few months of her husband's life were filled with sadness and pain because of her.

She now was sure that Raj knew exactly what she had been up to. He had come to say goodbye to her that night...

She screamed in distress. She had lost everything. She had wanted one last tryst to say goodbye to her paramour but now because of that tryst she would never see her husband nor her children again.

The comforting words of her friends and relatives had done little to make her feel better. The fact was that now she was truly alone. It was as if she herself had murdered her own family just so she could satisfy some filthy urges.

Alone in her bedroom, she collapsed on the floor in a heap of tears.

She didn't even realize when she drifted off to sleep on the floor. She was awakened by beams of the morning sunlight coming through the window.

Shalini hoped that the past few days had just been a horrible nightmare. But as she walked through the empty house, she realized with a sinking heart and it was all very real. Her real life had become a living nightmare.

She went into the bathroom and as she looked in the mirror, the reflection she saw was not that of a beautiful woman but of a monster. A selfish, self centered monster whose inner ugliness was now showing in the form of an ugly, scaly, puss ridden monster.

Screaming in horror, Shalini smashed the mirror with her hand and ran out of the bathroom.

Two hours later, she was sitting curled up on the sofa in her drawing room with a crude bandage wrapped around the glass cuts on her hand. In her other hand she held a long sharp knife.

She was wondering what would be more efficient, stabbing herself through the heart or slitting her wrists or her neck?

Just then the doorbell rang. She ignored it at first, wallowing in her lonely misery. But whoever was at the door was persistent.

Finally, she got up and with the knife still in her hand, opened the door.

"Hi, how are you holding up?" Vinay asked with concern in his voice.

But all that Shalini heard was, "HGGGRROOWWWLLLL!"

And what she saw standing in front of her was not a man but an ugly monster, a demon. A demon that had destroyed her life.

"YOU KILLED THEM!" she screamed and lunged forward with the knife.

--------------------------------

SEVEN YEARS LATER

"Come on kids, wash up for lunch!" Shalini called out to her children.

She had made her husband's favorite dishes. She smiled as she felt his strong arms around her, hugging her from behind.

Shalini was happy; not everyone gets a second chance in life.

She had almost lost everything. But now she had her husband, she had her children. Life was beautiful again.

"Hmmm, smells good!" her husband said.

"Me or the food?" she laughed and asked.

Just then doorbell rang.

"Oh, just perfect timing." Shalini grumbled, "I'll get it, you and kids start..."

She went to the door and saw two people walk in. An older woman in her fifties and a young man his twenties.

"Dr Rathi!" Shalini said to the woman, "What a pleasant surprise!"

Dr Rathi was Shalini's therapist.

"How are you, Shalini?" Dr Rathi said, "This is Dr Sule, he's just starting his internship with us."

Trying to ignore the uneasiness creeping over her, Shalini smiled at them, "We were just starting lunch. Please join us...."

She turned around expecting to see her husband and children but there was no one there.