Regret

"We are each our own Devil, and we make this world our hell" - Oscar Wilde

What? A welder isn't supposed to know how to read the classics? Okay I don't read the classics. I did read "The Picture of Dorian Gray" in high school and the biography I wrote on Oscar Wilde got me a B. The quote came back to me as I stared into the mirror behind the bar at the Red Horse Saloon. She had to come here with him, didn't she? I thought this was the one spot I could go to get away from her. Oh well, I was about done with my drink anyways. I finished the last of my Johnny Walker and laid a couple twenties on the table. Since I stopped paying spousal support to her a few months ago, I was pretty flush with cash. Not that there was much to spend it on.

Looking at her one more time, she really looked happy. I remembered when I could make her look like that. As I left the building, I heard her laugh at something he said. The silvery notes shredded my very soul. I don't know if she saw me as I left, but I rather hoped she didn't. The last time we ran into each other all I received from her was a look of pity. The rock on her finger showed me how far she had gotten over me.

As I started my truck, I thought back to the day she found out. I came home from work dog tired and still berating myself. Those beautiful blue eyes had been crying and, in a moment, I knew that she knew. I went to her to try to hold her, to try to tell her I loved her, and I was so sorry, but she was having none of it. She yelled and screamed at me. She called me a liar, a slut, a cheating bastard, and anything else she could think of while I stood there agreeing with her. After all it was true, I had stepped outside of our marriage and fucked another woman. I can say it wasn't intentional, I can tell you I never planned it, but none of that matters. I knowingly went to another woman's bed and had sexual relations with her three times over the course of one night. I begged her for forgiveness, I pleaded for another chance, I made all sorts of promises, but it was all for nothing.

I received the divorce papers at work. She asked for her car, along with her 401k, and 300 a week in spousal support for three years or until she graduated or remarried. She left me the house, my truck and my 401k. I thought about fighting it, but why? My lawyer assured me it was a fair settlement and she would probably get more from a judge.

So I signed. I was the Devil and I had made my hell. I sold the house, bought a fixer upper on the west side of town for cash, and spent a year renovating it. I went to work, then came home and worked on the house. I would drink a couple beers, then fell asleep. The three hundred a week hurt at first but eventually I adapted. I started drinking PBR and making my own food as soon as I got the kitchen fixed up. I would watch movies on my tablet and read free books online. I even reread "The Picture of Dorian Gray".

She moved on. A year and a half after our divorce, she got married to a male nurse. I wanted to hate him but by all accounts, he made her happy and I still loved her enough to want the best for her. My spousal support payments stopped and I was flush with cash. My new house was in a very desirable neighborhood. Now that it was fixed up, I could get a good price for it.

I snapped back to the present and made a decision. It was time to leave. I was the Devil, and I had made my own hell, but I didn't have to stay here. A good welder could find a job anywhere and it was time to go forward. I have read stories where one wants to burn the cheating bitch or bastard, I will tell you the flames we bring with us can do an amazing job of just that.