RANSOM DIVORCE
Marty and Selma were getting ready to eat supper at home when the doorbell rang. Marty didn't have a shirt on, so he asked Selma to see who it was. He watched as Selma opened the door to find a man in a brown uniform with a package. The man asked if she were Selma Richards. When she said yes, he gave her a tablet to sign for the package he had. It was a relatively small package but larger than a jewelry box. She brought it into the kitchen.
"What is it, dear?"
"I don't know. I don't recognize the return address. It's definitely addressed to me, and address is correct, but I haven't ordered anything lately and it's not close to my birthday."
"Well, open it up. It's probably just a product sample. One of those anti-aging creams you keep trying."
"Don't make fun of me trying to look younger. Men don't have to worry about crow's feet and wrinkles like that. Like gray hair, men look distinguished while women look 'extinguished.'" They both chuckled.
Selma opened the box. She was surprised to see that there was a layer of dry ice around a small zip lock bag. After she took the dry ice off, she saw the contents. She screamed, dropped the bag, and then fainted.
Marty took her and laid her on the living couch. He got some ammonia to smell to awaken her. It took her a few seconds after recovering to remember what had caused her to faint. She asked nervously, "Did you see what was in the box, Marty?"
"Yes. It was a finger with a ring on it. It looks like a man's finger."
"I don't understand. Why would anyone send me something like that? If it was meant to be a joke, I see nothing funny about it."
"There's a note under the finger. Let me read it to you."
"Selma, you should recognize the ring. It's the one of the many gifts you bought for your lover, Jorge. Jorge has been bragging about what a good piece of ass you were and how he was going to get rich soon after you divorce your clueless husband. If you can afford an expensive ring like that for a scumbag like Jorge, you can easily afford a ransom of $100,000. We will be calling soon to make the arrangements for payment. Should you fail to do so, you will receive other body parts of his until we are paid. If you go to the police, we will only send you one other body part -- his penis since that's the part you seem to value the most. The finger is just a symbol of your need to take this seriously."
"Selma, is the note talking about Jorge Montenegro, the guy who works in the same office as you?"
Selma was crying hysterically. Marty waited for her to calm down.
"You cheating bitch! How long have you been having an affair with Jorge?"
"You were never supposed to find out. It has been almost a year. It started out as flirting that got out of hand. I really didn't mean for it to turn into an affair. It was more like temporary stress relief and a little excitement at first. We haven't been having sex that long, but it didn't take that long before the sex sort of became a habit. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
"Forgive you? Right now, I have trouble not killing you. Shit! Do you love him? Is it true that you want a divorce so you can marry him? If so, I would really be willing to talk about it. In fact, it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk even if you don't want to divorce me."
"I never promised him that I would get divorced. He threatened to stop seeing me if I didn't say that was a possibility. I guess I love him to some extent but it's in a completely different way than I love you. Mostly, I like the exciting, secret sex he provided, but I don't care that much about him as a person. Certainly not as a prospective husband."
"So, there is a man you have had sex with that doesn't mean that much to you. Obviously, that must mean that you like to have sex with men that mean much to you. I have to assume I must not mean that much to you for you to have sex with someone else."
"No, no. Marty, you mean the world to me. I couldn't live without you. Please forgive me. I'll never cheat on you again."
"Selma, it was supposed to be 'I'll never cheat' -- period! We can talk about our quickly dissolving marriage in a minute. So, do you want me to call the police or what?"
"No. Don't call. At least not yet. We don't even know for sure if the threat is real or not. I'm going to try and call Jorge on his phone. Maybe it's someone's idea of a sick prank."
"Sure, people cut off their finger with an expensive ring and use them for party favors all the time."
"Hush, I'm calling Jorge's phone now." After several rings she got a recording that his cell phone was unavailable. She tried his landline at his apartment. This time, a man's voice, that did not sound like Jorge, answered. It was a recording. 'Jorge is not available to take your call. He has gone on a one-week cruise. He will not be reachable until he gets back. Don't bother to leave a message. Have a good day."
"Selma, do you really believe your boyfriend is on a cruise? I mean, he takes a cruise without you? Sounds like you picked a real winner."
"No, he couldn't afford a cruise. He barely makes ends meet now with what he has to pay his ex-wife in alimony and child support. I guess the voice was that was one of his kidnappers. Maybe Jorge's ex-wife is behind this. She is always hassling him about money."
"Now, do we call the police?"
"No. Didn't the note say that they would kill him if we talked to the police?"
"Well, they said they would cut off his penis to send to you. I kind of assumed that meant they would let him bleed out. By the way, do you think they could cut off his penis while he was erect? At least it would be useful to you in that state instead of if it was flaccid."
"Marty Richards, how can you be so crude and heartless? We're talking about another man's life being at stake."
"How can I be so crude,
DEAR
? Let me count the ways. Now, why am I supposed to give a flying fuck about the man who has conspired with you to cuckold me? I don't intend to pay some other low life scum a lot of money just to keep your lover intact. Now, I would be interested in contributing some money if they would return him without a penis, but certainly not $100,000."
"Marty, I told you he's not going to be my lover anymore. We're done no matter what. But it's my fault that he's been kidnapped. I owe it to him to pay the ransom and save his life, but after that, Jorge and I are done. I promise. I'll be the best wife ever."
"Okay, you can pay the ransom if you want to."
"Do we have that much in our checking account?"
"Whoa, that's a joint checking account. You're not spending any money that I earned. You will have to use your own money."
"But . . . I don't have that kind of money in my personal savings account. But you have lots more than that. Can I borrow . . . "
"No. No. and Hell no."
"What can I do to get the money then?"
"Well, you have things of value to sell. For example, you have your grandmother's jewelry collection. You've always said that was worth a lot."
"I couldn't do that. That collection is a family heirloom. I planned to give that to my granddaughter one day."
"Well, I guess we need to get a new freezer to put all the body parts in that will be shipped to us soon."
"All right, you don't have to be so nasty about it. I'll pawn my jewelry, but I doubt I can get anywhere close to $100,000 out of it. That's just the insured value."
"There's always your car. It's paid for and the title is in your name."
"What would I do for transportation if I sold my car? Would you buy me a new one?"
"Selma, I'm sorry if you've misunderstood my position in this matter. I'm not about to help finance the ransom so you can continue your ongoing cheating with your boyfriend."
"I'm not going to continue seeing him. I told you that."
"You also told me recently that you didn't have even have a lover. Remember a few weeks ago when I got suspicious of your working late. So, you were lying then but not now? Do you see STUPID written on my forehead?"
"I don't want to argue with you now. I have a man's life to worry about. Marty, you're a smart man. Put aside your hurt feelings for a while and help me figure out something that will save Jorge's life, please."
"Selma, I have no desire to do something that is in your selfish interest despite it might be considered humane by some. There is, however, something I just thought of that I would be willing to do to get you the $100,000 and serve my interests."
"What? Whatever it is, I'll do it."
"Okay, just sign divorce papers I will have prepared that say that you divorce me and will only receive $100,000 and your car as your part in the settlement. That way you can pay your lover's ransom, and you can drive him to wherever you two want to go afterwards."
"$100,000? That's a lot less than half of your assets. I could divorce you and get a lot more money than that in assets and alimony."
"Yes, you could. But it would take too long to save Jorge. By the time the divorce was finished, even if it's a quickie no contest divorce, you probably would indeed have more money and your boyfriend back -- but that would assume you could reassemble all the parts."
"Damnit! That's not fair to me to lose all that money just because I had a few months fling. You know I've been a good wife to you . . . most of our marriage anyway."
"Look at it from my perspective. You've probably been paying a lot of money to keep a lover on the side what with the hotel rooms, meals, and gifts. That ring is proof of that. Where did that money you spent on him come from? Mostly ME. So, I've unknowingly already paid plenty for him to help you cuckold me. I'm not willing to pay anymore TO him or FOR him unless I get some significant benefit out of it. When I think of all the times I've gotten sloppy seconds while eating your pussy, I . . ." Marty went and threw up in the downstairs bathroom. After he brushed his teeth and gargled mouth wash, he returned.
"Marty, you never got sloppy seconds. I cleaned myself thoroughly before we had sex or I just told you I had a headache. Marty, please, I don't know what to do. I need to figure out what to do."
"Fine, you think. I'll pack."
"Pack? Why are you packing?"
