Prologue To A Problem Vignette 02

This is my second vignette to Prologue to a Problem. It is a rare conversation between Richard and Karen. It takes place about 18 months after they divorced. Richard had invited Karen back to Omaha for an afternoon high school graduation party for their 18-year-old son. The party was at their old house. The same house Karen carried on a year-long affair with Jeremy, Richard's boss.

I claim this conversation is rare because I don't know if people ever truly open up to each other as Richard and Karen do in this story. I'd like to believe they do. Some readers have certainly suggested in comments to my stories that the best way to avoid cheating [or repair cheating] is to talk it out. My personal experience, however, has been that real honest conversations are hard. And despite our seemingly universal human acknowledgement that good communication between husband and wife is essential for a healthy marriage, it is indeed rare.

--------------------------

"Richard, we had a wonderful time. Thank you for inviting us. You should be so proud of Eric. He's a great young man."

"Thanks. I agree," Richard replied. "See you Saturday at Graduation."

Karen could hear the last two guests say their goodbyes at the front door, but she couldn't see them. She was sitting in the family room out of sight on a couch she had picked out three years ago that was no longer hers.

The moment was a bit surreal. The couch, the pictures on the walls, the television, the Knickknacks were all the same. Richard had not redecorated a thing. The only change she noticed was he had swapped out the portraits of the boys with their most recent school pictures.

I wonder why he didn't move? she thought. Staying here must have been painful for him.

It was her first time back in the house since Richard had asked her to leave after witnessing Jeremy fucking her on the guest bed upstairs. In the fight, flight, freeze center of her brain, she chose flight. There was really no option to freeze and certainly no fight in her that day. No crying. No excuses. Just overwhelming shame and a primal need to escape his glare and palpable anguish.

In the ensuing days, Richard had contacted her through her sister and had gathered up her things and arranged to have them delivered to her. After that it was just lawyers talking to lawyers.

Through it all Karen just let the events sweep her along. She did not try to slow things down. Nor did she try to contact Richard to explain, or plead, or try to repair the damage she had inflicted on him. She somehow oddly felt she didn't have the right to resist. She was to blame. She was the adulterer. She was the one that was caught on all fours with a man, that was not her husband, buried balls-deep inside her banging her for all she was worth. She was the one that had entered the kitchen, behind where she now sat, chatting, smiling and freshly fucked where she found Richard, red-faced and crying at the breakfast table.

To say she was surprised to find Richard in the house that afternoon was an understatement. She never heard or saw Richard peering in from the guest bedroom doorway, but he saw her. Her closed eyes. Her guttural moans. Her contorted face. Her clenched fists full of pretty high thread count sheets that she had bought specifically for such visits by Jeremy. But even worse for Karen than reflecting on what

he

actually saw, was imagining what

she

never saw: His face. His shock. His disbelief. His absolute heartbreak as his world came crashing down at the exact moment her world peaked impaled on the cock of another man.

So, yes, today had been extremely awkward. After getting the invitation, she had mentally made-up countless excuses to not come. But Richard's invitation seemed sincere, and her oldest son Eric had also asked her to come. Ironically, or maybe not so much for a high school senior, Eric had left the party over an hour ago with his buddies.

I can't blame him, Karen mused as she smiled and thought about Eric's quick kiss on the cheek as he bolted out the door. Being done with high school finals and just waiting around for graduation was one of those truly carefree times in your life which, unfortunately for Karen, didn't include a strong desire to hang out with Mom and Dad at a lame afternoon celebration.

So now it was just her. She had not planned this. In fact, she had attempted to leave an hour ago around the time that her son left. But Richard had asked her to hang out. It was her first time having a conversation with Richard without lawyers, kids and interruptions so in the end her curiosity won out over her shame and she decided to stay.

"Well, that was exhausting," Richard said as he came back in.

"Richard it was lovely. You were the perfect host. Thank you again for inviting me."

"Why wouldn't I? You're the mom of the

man of the hour

."

"I know but it was still unexpected and nice."

"So how was the flight from Salt Lake City?" Richard asked.

Karen had moved to Utah to live with her sister shortly after the divorce. At the time she didn't have a job and could not afford to continue to stay in the apartment in Omaha. Her sister offered her the spare bedroom as a temporary place to live while she sorted out her life. It was a welcome lifeline. Her sister was single and a Delta flight attendant, so she was gone a lot which suited Karen just fine. She liked being alone even if much of that time was spent beating herself up for her past actions and how her life turned out. In the end, what was meant to be a few weeks turned into a few months and now over a year.

"It was fine. I got in yesterday afternoon."

"So where are you staying?"

"I was going to get a hotel, but Susan and Bob insisted I stay with them. Do you see them much?"

"Bob and I play golf every once in a while with Phil. Phil's got a new girlfriend. I think they're actually engaged or, if not, will be soon."

Karen smiled. Men, and particularly Richard, just made her scratch her head. How can you play golf with your best friend and not know for certain if he is engaged or not. What do men talk about for four hours on the golf course?

"That's exciting," she replied. "It sounds like he is doing well and moving on."

"I think he is. He seems happy. Do you keep up with Ann?"

"Just through Facebook mostly. She rarely posts but I know she moved back to Norman."

"That was some shit. First us, then a few months later Ann and Phil announce they are splitting. I still don't know what happened. Do you?"

"No. Not really. Ann never opened up. She knew I was dealing with my own problems and didn't want to burden me with hers. She just said that it was complicated and broken."

Both sat in silence for a while deep in their own thoughts about their friends Ann and Phil.

"I never told you this, because, well, when it happened you were out of the house, and we weren't talking. But a few months after our split, Phil invites me over. Ann was out of town at a friend's place in Texas, so Phil asked me to come hang out. I laugh about it now, but that night I got drunk off my ass and threatened to kill Jeremy."

Karen arched her eyebrow but didn't say anything.

"Yeah, it was nuts. I was mess, careening between pathetic whinny injured husband to Rambo. At one point I said I wanted to 'bash Jeremy's smarmy brains in with a baseball bat.'"

"Well that certainly doesn't sound like you."

"I know right?"

"What did Phil say?"

"He told me to 'shut the fuck up and never mention it again.' Said if anything ever happened to Jeremy, I'd be suspect number one."

"Phil's a good friend."

"Yeah, he is. I hate that he and Ann didn't make it. So, speaking of smarmy assholes, how's Jeremy?"

"Wow! So, we're going there?" Karen incredulously asked.

"I'm sorry. It's just that...," Richard paused before continuing.

"What?" Karen asked, filling in the awkward silence.

"It's just that I've often wondered if you all kept seeing each other," Richard said tentatively not completely sure if he wanted to know the answer.

Karen smiled.

"What's so funny?" asked Richard missing what was amusing about his question.

"It's nothing really. It's just that I have honestly not talked to Jeremy since the day you walked in on us. Not one word. I haven't seen, called, texted or emailed him, not even once. You broke a spell that day and from that moment on the thought of him brings bile in my mouth. He called me a few times, but I never answered. As you know he wasn't married so there were no ramifications from his end. So, you tell me. What is he doing?"

"Beats the hell out of me. I mean I guess he's doing well. I'm assuming you know I quit the firm. He gave me a year's severance in exchange for going quietly and not disparaging him or the company. It was easy to agree to his terms. I liked the company and the people, so I wasn't going to trash it. I stay in touch with some of the guys. They are doing good. The company is growing. As much as I hate that son-of-a-bitch, there is no denying that he is a brilliant software developer."

No lies detected, Karen thought as she processed Richard's description of Jeremy. She never saw his work side, but it was hard to argue with a label of "brilliant." Like Richard she admired Jeremy. Her admiration started long before she fell under his spell. Over the years she had gotten to know him at many company functions. He was funny and interesting. He was an exceptionally good listener with a knack for effortlessly making you feel at ease. He was also extremely confident. It was this trait, more than all his others, that attracted Karen, or more accurately opened the door to Jeremy's seduction. Early on she would marvel at him from afar watching him work the room, propose a toast or give a heartful impromptu speech to his employees. As a lifelong introvert she saw traits in Jeremy that she never possessed but wished she had.

Her feelings towards him at the time were never sexual. Rather they were mostly made up of gratitude as she was grateful for all that he had done for her and Richard and she was subconsciously reassured that as long as they stayed in Jeremy's orbit, their future would all but be guaranteed.

What she didn't realize at the time, was that the only "guarantee" he offered was a broken marriage and a shit-ton of regret.

She let her mind wander back to that fateful party where Jeremy had kissed her.

What the fuck was I thinking?

she asked herself for the thousandth time. Why didn't I slap him and let him know in no uncertain terms that his advance was not welcomed? The answer to the question, however, haunted her because the truth was complicated.

The affair was a mistake, no doubt. It cost her marriage and marginalized her life with her kids. But "what she was thinking" when he kissed her was, for the first time in a long time, she was more than Richard's wife and Eric's and Jake's mother. She was, on that day at least, the object of a new man's desire. She was being sexually pursued and rather than being indignant, she found herself charmed and curious.

It's funny, she thought how a man's attention (even a complete stranger) gives women a little boost. She remembered a time when her, Ann and Susan had met for dinner and margaritas at a local Mexican restaurant. She arrived early and while she was waiting for her friends, a younger man beside her at the bar had struck up a conversation and insisted on buying her drink. He was single and obviously flirting with her. It all ended harmlessly enough. When her friends got there she shook his hand, said goodbye and thanked him for the drink. Back at the table with her friends, her encounter with the mystery man quickly became THE topic of conversation. Ann and Susan wanted to know everything. They playfully teased her about being a cougar and insisted she recount the entire conversation, which she gladly did. Later that night she shared the story with Richard and thought about it throughout the week. Her thoughts never veered to "what if" as she had no interest in the man. However, the tiny sliver of validation that the stranger gave her was for some reason important and memorable as she never forgot that night.

"Did Jeremy ever marry?" Karen asked with a little bit of genuine curiosity coming back to the topic at hand.

"I dunno," Richard dismissively replied with a wave of his hand. "I truly have no idea what that asshole is doing and don't give a shit. I've moved on."

As she thought about Richard's answer Karen allowed herself a rare reflection regarding Jeremy. She didn't love him; never did. But there was a time that he was important to her. A time where he dominated her thoughts and was denied nothing sexually. Despite the carnage of their affair, she didn't hate him. She also didn't blame him. Yes, he had been the aggressor early on, but as the old adage says, "it takes two to tango."

Karen broke from her momentary musings, "Okay. Fair enough. Enough about Jeremy. So speaking of moving on, what about you? How are you doing? Where is Crystal?"

Crystal was Richard's girlfriend. They had been dating for about 9 months. Karen knew Crystal and had always liked her. She was a few years younger than the two of them. Divorced. No kids. She was slim and pretty and had gone to the same church. She was also a third-grade teacher at the nearby elementary school and had taught both her sons' Eric and Jake.

"'Wow' right back at you," Richard answered with a smile. "So, we're going there too? Okay. I'm in, but first I need a drink, something stronger than beer."

Richard left to get some drinks coming back with a bottle of bourbon, two tumblers each filled with a large cube of ice. He handed one of the glasses to Karen.

"So, the shit's about to go down," Ann said with a smile.

"Seems so," Richard replied matching her smile with a familiar twinkle in his eye.

Throughout their marriage, Richard and Karen would occasionally share a bourbon after the kids were down and the house was quiet. The code phrase they used around the kids was "hey, later tonight you want to solve the world's problems?" It became their thing, and unlike a lot of women, Karen found she liked straight whiskey on the rocks. Richard had turned her on to it in college. The bite, the smokiness, the warmth, the association with new love and long intimate talks late into the night, had all contributed to her taking great pleasure in their occasional private ritual.

"Cheers," said Richard as they touched glasses.

"To solving the world's problems," replied Karen with a grin.

They both took a long sip of their drinks, savoring the taste and independently thinking how surprisingly comfortable the moment felt - on their couch, in their old house, with each other.

"So, you know about Crystal?" Richard finally answered.

"Yes. Susan told me about her."

"Well, I guess I'm not surprised. We're not trying to hide anything," Richard said. "She is at her sister's. Her nephew is Eric's age. He's graduating from Skutt Catholic so she's over at his graduation party," Richard added finally getting around to answering Karen's question.

"A lot of graduations."

"They grow up fast."

"You two getting married?"

"Well, that's none of your bus..." Richard said catching himself before finishing his thought. This first-time reunion was going well and he didn't want to send it off track. He was glad she was still here.

"You're right," Karen said, embarrassed. "I should be going," she added as she hurriedly got up.

"No. Please stay. Sit. I'm sorry. It was perfectly legitimate question," he stammered as he motioned her to sit back down.

Karen stared at him for a second trying to gauge his sincerity and decide what she wanted to do. Ultimately, she decided to stay and play this...whatever it was...out.

After Karen sat back down Richard continued, "Truth is we're not rushing things, but my mom and dad would like to see us get married. As you know my mom's a worry wort and she desperately wants the boys to have a mom and for me to have a wife."

The words stung Karen. The boys did have a mom, but she knew what her mother-in-law was implying so she brushed it off. "That's kind of sweet. How are your folks doing?"

"They're fine but I wouldn't go visit them if I were you," Richard said as he laughed.

"They still mad? Do they know?"

"I never gave them any details. Like Ann and Phil, I just told them that we were irreparably broken and they never pried. I'm guessing they were able to piece some things together. You moved out, not me. I got the kids and the house. They're not dumb."

Again, both were quiet as they sipped their drinks reflecting on the divorce and how it must have been perceived by the outside world. One minute they were together and the next they were not. Kids were told they had fallen out of love. Parents were told not to ask questions and just accept that it was for the best. Only their closest friends knew the basics. Everyone else in their circle was left to speculate.

"Actually, that is a lie," Richard said suddenly and reflectively out of the blue. It was as if he was having an argument with himself.

At his sudden declaration, Karen broke from her reverie but said nothing.

Richard took a breath before continuing. "You asked if Crystal and I are planning on getting married. The truth is, and the reason I barked at you just now, was not because your question was inappropriate, but because I already asked her to marry me, and she turned me down."

"I'm sorry Richard. Why?"

"Jeez. I can't believe I am telling you, of all people, this but okay, why not? The reason is you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. She says I never properly dealt with you and what you did. I told her that it was ridiculous. I told her you weren't in my life, and we never talked except about the kids."

"That's pretty accurate. What did she say?"

"She said 'exactly.' She said I never talked to you about what you did and why. She said I buried all the unanswered questions and pain. She said I was carrying around all that dysfunction deep inside and ignoring it. I told her that's what guys do. We don't obsess about the past and we move on. She accused me of being naive and then gave me an ultimatum - get some answers and come to terms with what happened or find another girlfriend."

"So that's why I'm here and she's not? She's giving you the space to tie up loose ends?"

"I think so, although she never said. She encouraged me to invite you to the party and then conveniently had a conflict and was not able to attend."

Karen wasn't sure what to think. She never intended to come to this party in the first place let alone engage in some deep catharsis conversation about their split. Truth was she hadn't properly dealt with what she had done either. From the outside world she had moved on. She had a job. She occasionally dated. She had slept with a couple of them, but none lasted. No connection. No spark. She chalked up her lack of emotional attachment to her dates as their fault not hers - they had young kids. Not my type. Too short. Too old. Too eager. Too needy. Too bald. Too boring. The critiques were endless. She convinced herself that each one was flawed.

However, the truth, as is often the case, was that the problem did not lie with Karen's dates, but with her. Up until the divorce, she had had just two men in her life, and despite that relatively small number, she was struggling to find room for a third. Her life was admittedly stuck but at no other point, up to this moment with Richard, did she think that the best way to get unstuck was to confront her past actions with her ex-husband.

"Richard, this day has been lovely. Let's just leave it at that and go back to our lives with a new memory."

"No!" Richard blurted out, surprising Karen with his sudden emotion. "That's the coward's way out. Let's talk about it."