We had tried for so long. We had tried and tried. All that both of us ever wanted out of life was our baby. The baby that I saw in my dreams. The baby that I could hear every time I closed my eyes. I could almost feel that gentle weight in my arms when I rocked in the chair I had bought when we had decided to start trying.
Now I sat on the cold toilet holding another disappointment in my hand. Negative. One line. One more broken heart, and I knew.
I knew that my dreams were over. I knew that I had to look into Alan's hopeful face and watch it fall into disappointed lines as I crushed his dreams along with mine. I knew that it would never happen to us.
I was broken. My body betrayed me. I felt the weight of guilt and helplessness.
When we had finally decided to start trying, we were both so excited. We ceremoniously threw out our contraceptives. Now as I closed my eyes I could remember how we talked for hours about the son that we had imagined. A wonderful boy to change the world with his kind heart and genius. The best of both of us.
That night we had reached for each other with more love and tenderness than all the years that had come before. Everything had led up to that moment.
I could still feel his strong arms as he awakened my body with his gentle touch and sweet words. I had grown wet so fast. I couldn't get enough of his touch.
He had kissed every inch of my body while his hands stroked and tickled and worked magic that Houdini couldn't imagine. When he gently sucked one of my ample breasts into his mouth I almost came then and there. And then our tenderness was set on fire.
I raked my hands over his muscled arms and was so thankful for the hours I had watched him work out tirelessly. I kissed and sucked his smooth skin and whispered all the wonderful, naughty things I wanted to do to him.
