This story is how I ended up in chastity and eventually getting cucked by my wife. Please note, this story is slow to unfold as I want to provide some background to enhance my ultimate fall into submission to my wife.
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Power dynamics in marriage - Ch 1
I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic schools my whole life, they would browbeat into your brain that premarital sex was a sin. I guess after all those years I kind of believed it, thus I was older than normal when I lost my virginity (19 yrs old). Because I was a late bloomer, as it pertained to sex, I never really learned how to please a woman, or experiment with different sex positions, basically I was a novice when it came to pleasing a girl. In essence, I was sexually repressed my whole life and growing up in a strict catholic family those are the type of things that just weren't talked about. My parents never showed any PDAs, and quite honestly I probably wouldn't have wanted to see that anyway.
But I was considered a good looking guy by most standards, I attracted a lot of attention from the girls and did have a few girlfriends along the way. But I was on the shy side so I often didn't have the courage to make the first moves and none of my girlfriends lasted more than a few months. It was the result of a combination of them wanting a more 'take the lead' man and because I often didn't push the sexual aspects of the relationship due to insecurities thus they may have concluded I wasn't interested in them.
That was the case until I met my wife, we met at work when I was 19 yrs old, she was 20 yrs old. With encouragement from my coworkers I somehow mustered up the courage to ask her out which she quickly accepted. Kim was hot, she was Italian and had beautiful brown eyes and brunette hair that she wore short. She wasn't very tall, maybe 5'4" but had an athletic build which brought the whole look together nicely.
After dating a couple months she told me that she really likes me but wondered why I hadn't tried to have sex with her yet. We did some minor petting and making out but it would never progress to the next step. I really did like her and decided to admit to her I had never been with a woman before, that was difficult to say out loud. She looked surprised and naturally asked why? I wasn't prepared for such a direct question but looking back it was a legit thing to ask. Here I was a perfectly healthy 19 yr old man in excellent shape, I have blue eyes and blond hair and looked like a good looking teenager by most people's standards. Everyone just assumed I wasn't a virgin as they had seen me date plenty of women, plus I was relatively outgoing, very social and attended lots of parties with hot girls.
I sheepishly explained to her that I had never been with a girl long enough and frankly I was nervous now that I was considered "old" for being a virgin that it would be obvious that I didn't know what I was doing.
To my relief she was cool about it, after discussing it she wanted to have sex and wouldn't judge me on my performance. The first time having sex I was so nervous that I could barely get hard, I knew it was all in my head as I had masturbated for years thinking about some of the girls in my school or who I dated. But with encouragement from my girlfriend I was able to get and stay hard long enough to lose my virginity. I was so relieved, this was a big weight off my shoulders that had started bugging me the last couple of years. I can't speak for anyone else but my first time I didn't see fireworks, I didn't think it was the best moment of my life or any other jubilant phrase you've heard from others about their first time. But the one thing I knew was I was hooked and couldn't wait to do it again.
After that first time we fucked all the time, I was pissed at myself for not taking the plunge sooner. Anywhere we found a spot, and a little bit of time, we would fuck. We would be at friend's parties and sneak off into their bedroom to have sex. One time we were out to dinner with a big group of friends and we snuck off to the restaurant's bathroom to have sex. I did get more relaxed and comfortable but I still didn't really know what I was doing. I wasn't experienced at foreplay, I never ate her out, I thought it was disgusting to put your tongue into a girl's pussy that was where she peed from (at that time i didn't know they had different pathways for this). Plus, why would I want to put my mouth down where my dick had been the day before, or sometimes, hours before?
Needless to say, I was not a very good lover. However, my girlfriend Kim was head over heels in love with me and was willing to put up with my lack of sexual prowess. Afterall, she knew I was a virgin when we met and was willing to "teach" me in that department. To provide a little more background on Kim, she was a year older than me and dated a fair number of guys before me. She lost her virginity to her high school sweetheart at 15 yrs old, she dated him throughout high school and eventually broke up when he went away to college where she found out he was cheating on her. This made her the jealous type because she felt like she was made a fool of, she trusted her boyfriend at the time, but she never wanted to get burned by that again. So although she was way more experienced in the sex department than me that didn't say much. She wasn't a one night type of girl that you could meet at a bar and take her home to bang her, that just wasn't her personality.
So although Kim was more experienced and knew what she liked she hesitated to bring it up because I could be very sensitive to criticism. She pushed me along on how she liked it but we never had an open detailed conversation about sex. This was a carryover from my Catholic upbringing, sex was something that just wasn't talked about. Despite not having open communications in the bedroom Kim was having orgasms, not every time but enough that I felt like my performance was passing the test. Needless to say, I was enjoying myself too.
After a few years of dating exclusively we ended up getting married. I was 24, Kim was 25, we were still young and in love. It didn't take long before Kim got pregnant and 9 months later baby #1 arrived. As the saying goes, time went by fast and before we knew it we were in our 40's with 3 daughters.
Even after we married I would often still masturbate. I had some kinky fantasies and would want to watch porn or read stories on the topics. I was pretty young when I would dream about being dominated by girls when I masturbated. I'm not a psychologist so I don't know where these kinks come from but as long as I can remember I tended to get aroused by being a submissive. Initially I didn't know there was even a name for it, or that other people had the same kinks, I thought it was weird and I was too embarrassed to ever mention it to anyone, much less my girlfriends.
That thought process continued into my marriage and stayed with me until now, my dirty little secret. It was still considered unusual for a man to submit to a woman, in some ways it's considered even more perverted than being gay. The U.S. has started opening their minds to the LGBTQ community but the same can't be said for the S&M communities, it's still kept a secret by those who engage in those activities. That's why you see so many openly gay characters on TV but when they want to tantalize their viewers they create a storyline that involves a dominatrix because it's still considered taboo.
I imagine like most marriages our frequency of having sex decreased. Mostly due to other priorities like raising our children, but there was also the reality that being with the same person can get stale. Add in the fact that I wouldn't open up to my wife about what really turned me on, so I had to find my sexual release when I would masturbate about being dominated by a woman.
As I mentioned, my wife would subtly still nudge me along in the bedroom, if she wanted me to do something different she had a way of bringing it up to where I wouldn't get defensive. If you've been reading this far it may surprise you that I eventually even let it out that I like being spanked. Keep in mind it wasn't that direct, it happened out of happenstance, we were having sex and Kim playfully spanked my ass and I let out an involuntary moan. Kim was perceptive and started adding that to our love making, infrequent at first but started to get more regular as I openly enjoyed it despite never actually saying I did.
But even with the introduction of spanking during sex, it wasn't truly getting dominated like I had seen in porn I watched. Deep down I wanted the women to take charge in the bedroom, treat me like a submissive slave. Kim loved me too much to treat me like that, and I doubt she would understand if I asked her to. This meant I continued to masturbate and in fact the frequency was going up. It was daily and although I was in my 40's sometimes twice a day I would jack off.
The problem this caused was when Kim was in the mood, and we found some alone time, I had to work really hard to cum when I was with her. I tried to suggest I was holding out to make sure she had an orgasm before I blew my load but the fact was I struggled to cum and it took a lot more time. At its worst I would have to conjure up fantasies in my head just to stay hard and one time I actually "faked" like I cummed. Who's ever heard of the guy faking orgasms? In my case, I wasn't doing it because I didn't find my wife sexy, it was a result of too much jacking off while alone.
I knew 'faking' an orgasm would be easy to detect so I was careful to only play that card if it was absolutely necessary and after I tried really hard to cum but wasn't successful. Unfortunately, faking would only be an option if I was hard and inside her fucking, but coupled with getting older I ran into problems getting hard. I knew I didn't have erectile dysfunction or needed Viagra, this was self inflicted due to privately pleasuring myself so often. I think the reason I couldn't stop was because when I masturbated I could create whatever fantasy I wanted, kinks I couldn't share with my wife but that got me so aroused and horny that I would shoot my load in a few minutes.
The first couple times Kim was understanding about not being able to get it up. She would ask me to help her cum by fingering her or eating her out (yes, I eventually started enjoying giving oral to my wife), which I was more than happy to do. Maybe it was out of guilt but I did think that's the least I can do after I knew the real reason why I wasn't getting or staying hard. But eventually Kim told me I should see my doctor about my E.D. (erectile dysfunction). By now you probably know that talking to some outsider about sexual things was not my style, however, I loved my wife and promised that at my annual physical next month I would talk to the doctor.
The day I had my physical I was nervous about broaching the topic of E.D. Somehow I mustered up the courage, he could tell I was nervous but he was a doctor and probably heard this question hundreds of times. As expected he prescribed me Viagra and explained to me the side effects and to let him know if that didn't help.
Kim was excited to hear about the Viagra, she loved to have sex and now that our daughters were older they were out of the house a lot which gave us plenty of opportunity to fuck like rabbits like we did when we first started dating.
When the next opportunity presented itself we agreed that I would take my Viagra 30-60 minutes prior to us having sex. I really didn't feel much difference taking it...of course I got hard so it did work but it doesn't help you cum. Getting myself to cum was on me, I had to dream about one of my fantasies to push me over the edge. The first time using it I successfully came but I got an awful headache afterwards. The same thing happened the next time I took Viagra, I didn't like how it made me feel. So either I was back at square one with the challenges of getting hard, or, I had to deal with the headaches.
I stopped taking the Viagra, it was more than just headaches, I would get lightheaded which lasted for a few hours. I knew that the only solution was to stop the frequent masturbating and that's what I did. I saved the masturbation for when I knew there wouldn't be opportunities for us to have sex like when she was traveling. This worked for a while but if you have these deep rooted sexual desires they can be very controlling. It's hard to resist wanting to jack off to dominatrix scenes in a movie or when reading literotica stories. I found the urge to play out these fantasies in my head which always led to me jacking off. I was back in my old routine, reading erotica, watching porn, or simply imagining a scene in my head where I would be submitting to a beautiful woman.
One thing about fantasies, they tend to evolve over time as you chase the next taboo fetish. To keep getting you the same level of high from your orgasms you had to push the boundaries into new territory. For example, simply getting aroused from a woman dressed in all leather administering a spanking wasn't enough anymore. I had to add in some humiliation and verbal domination.
After another disappointing performance my wife confronts me about my masturbation, saying she knows that I masturbate because she has found the tissues in the trash or the cum stains on the washcloths. I had thought I was doing a good job of keeping it a secret, only pleasuring myself when my wife was not around or already fast asleep. Apparently I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought. Kim confronting me about masturbating was embarrassing and uncomfortable but I tried to downplay it by saying I only do it occasionally. She challenged me on the frequency and suggested that it was affecting my performance. I knew she was right but admitting that would mean I would also be admitting to masturbating excessively which suggested I wasn't aroused by her anymore, that was not easy to do and more importantly, not true.
This time Kim didn't drop it, she wanted to talk about this and I was way out of my comfort zone. She did most of the talking and asking questions, I said as little as possible because I was ashamed. Ultimately I knew I had to come clean if I was to save our marriage, that's how upset Kim had become with our lack of intimacy.
"I'm so sorry Kim, I can't seem to stop myself and I know it gets in the way of our sex life. I promise I'll stop going forward." I pleaded.
"How often do you masturbate? She asked me.
