I had been invited to a weekly poker game for several months by a particularly annoying colleague at the plant where we work. I had avoided going for at least seven months before deciding that I could probably swallow my dislike of the jerk enough to spend some time playing cards. I love poker.
So, I finally relented and told Tom I would go to his game. Boy, I'm sure glad I did, but I'll never be invited back again. Tom is a bombastic jackass that has to brag about everything he has. He has to compete in everything. Whatever anyone has done, Tom has done it better. If someone has something special, Tom has two, and knew about it before they did. He cannot find room in his mind for anyone else to have any attention. Pure and simple, though, the guy is a cocksucker. I envy him nothing.
I showed up at his house and suffered through the "grand tour." He wouldn't shut up about everything he had. To make my suffering worse, I noted that he displayed his wedding picture where everyone could see it. I don't know how the asshole scored her, but his wife was a stunningly beautiful blonde.
"Where's your wife...?" I asked.
"Stace?" Tom flashed too many teeth. "She's at the gym. She maintains a very tight physique..."
I stopped listening. Whatever he was saying, I was sure that it was his wife was the most, the best, the smartest, the sexiest, the greatest, etc.
With great relief, I joined Chuck, Brian, Mark, and Len at the table. Brian gave me a wry look; he agreed about Tom being a colossal prick, but he came for the game, too. At least I was otherwise surrounded by friends or friendly people from work. I could suffer through Tom's bullshit.
We played a couple hours of five card draw on a fifty dollar buy-in. I was down a little after that time, but not by much. The prick seemed to be up by about as much as I was down. Well, it was only fifty bucks. But this is where things got real interesting. In walks Tom's wife, Stace. She was wearing super tight gym trunks and a sports halter. She was gorgeous, or at least her face was. Her boobs were too round and prominent. So, she had bolt-ons. She was a regular Frankentits. I guess Tom needed to have perfect boobs in his face and would pay anything to bolt them onto his woman.
Stace hovered around the kitchen table where we were playing. I was busy checking out the fact that she wasn't wearing anything under her skin-tight gym trunks and Tom gave me knowing winks to show he noticed it.
"Stace works out every day," he said.
No shit.
"Every day," Stace slurred in agreement.
So, she also had a habit of stopping by the bar after her workout and having a few before coming home.
I smiled as best I could. "She looks pretty tough."
Tom lit up and leaned over the table.
Oh hell, what had I started? His mouth was about to launch off.
"My Stace is so buff that she can squeeze you out just by her contractions," Tom bragged.
Sheesh, not even I would talk like this about any woman I loved. But Tom the Prick had put down a few beers as well, tonight, and he wasn't holding back. I wondered how far he would argue that? "So, you're saying she could expel anyone by just squeezing?"
"Yep. Not only that..."
Uh huh. Here comes more bullshit.
"...but she can even clamp down and keep herself shut tight. She's impervious to rape if she wants to be." Tom's head wagged with arrogance.
What a cocksucker. I wasn't going to put up with it. "Bullshit. No woman can keep a man out."
Tom roared in laughter. "Pal, Stace here can keep anyone out."
Len leaned over to me and whispered, "what the hell are you doing?"
I ignored Len. "Nah, I doubt it. You're dreamin'."
Stace raised her eyebrows and placed her hands on her lithe hips.
Tom slammed his hand down on the table. "She can keep anyone at this table out!"
"Why not put your money where your mouth is?" I grinned wickedly.
"Huh?" Tom blinked.
"Have everyone here put up twenty dollars in a pot. Give them all a shot to prove you wrong. If you're right, you keep all the money. Otherwise, the person who gets in gets all the money in the pot." I folded my arms.
"No way!" Tom laughed.
"You're right," I agreed. "No way, because it's a losing bet for you."
Tom surged unsteadily to his feet. "This is some cheap trick to see my wife naked."
"No it's not," I lied. "I can already tell what she looks like from what she's wearing. But I know that she can't keep us out. That's just the way it is."
Stace smiled at me coyly, but cocked her hips. She didn't seem to care that she was being bet on.
"No, that's not the way it is. We'll take that bet and we'll gladly take your money!" Tom took two strutting strides to Stace and gripped her arm. "Come on, honey, we have some money to win."
"Umm, okay, Tom." Stace looked unsure, but unworried.
Hell, maybe she was tight and strong enough. What a great joy it would be to see her fail, though. I wanted to see Tom's face in that event.
We all got up from the table. All of us. Len tugged at my shirt for money, and I gladly slipped him a twenty. We followed Tom and Stace into the master bedroom. They had a king size bed in there with mirrors everywhere, of course. Tom told us that we would each have thirty seconds to try. Stace actually smiled.