For those of you asking for the sex, this is YOUR Chapter. If there is a magic word in this it is, "communication". It's a fact that no two people's psychological histories are ever the same. Worse, new circumstances always alter the basis for our assumptions. So, happy marriages require that both partners understand the other's, changing wants, needs and expectations. That demands that each partner be willing to frankly and honestly communicate. That is what is happening here. Read on and maybe you will see where this is leading; PERHAPS. And as usual thank you for your kindness.
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My first reaction was alarm when Tom picked me up. For the past 17 years we have had a deep subliminal connection. It is a sort of subconscious link between him and me that we have had since the first day we met. That connection was utterly dead and I was terrified.
I had spent three and a half days doing nothing but soul searching and I had a lot to tell him. I might add that none of it reflected well on me. But if he was unable to get past the simple fact of my cheating I was doomed, no matter what I had discovered about myself.
I got in his car and we drove the 15 miles to the marina. It was a beautiful day and I concentrated on looking away from him out the window. I was afraid of what I might see in his face.
He said nothing to me in the half hour it took to get from our house to the boat.
We have been sailing together for 15 years and so the process of getting it out into the Sound is almost automatic. He does his jobs and I do mine.
We were silent throughout.
I had gone from dread to sheer terror. I was frightened the entire week after those pictures arrived. But I had no idea what fear was like until now. I thought I was going to throw up.
We motored out of the bay and into the Sound and then set the sails. In about twenty minutes we reached a point in the open water where there was no ship traffic. In fact you couldn't see anything but water for miles around us.
Tom deployed the anchor. The sun was hot, but being out on the water made it pleasant, not uncomfortable.
I was so agitated that I couldn't stand up any longer. So I sat down on the side bench nearest the navigator's table. Tom asked me where I wanted to talk. I told him that right here in the sunlight was as good a place as any. I told him that I HAD to know what he was thinking.
He started out by telling me that he could forgive me for my actions with that evil man. He said that he was not happy I had fucked him. But that he could see how I was manipulated into it and that he truly believed that what I had done was an aberration; the result of a rare alignment of malevolent planets.
He cautioned that it had better NOT happen again, which I suppose I deserved but it hurt to hear it anyhow.
My heart sailed into the sky like a kid's balloon. I would have started to cry with relief except I had vowed to be brave for him and I had important insights that I needed to share.
He turned to me with an oddly forbidding look on his face and said, "Now it's your turn".
I had been rehearsing my speech for hours. Except now I was totally tongue tied. I was sitting there looking at the deck without the slightest idea of what to say. So I started in with the obvious.
I said, "I love you. I have loved you from the day I met you. I will never stop loving you. I have thought about what motivated me to act the way I did and I have some ideas that I want to share with you.
But we have always worked through the problems in our life together and I need you to help me with this."
I asked him, "Do you believe in your heart of hearts that I thought that those pictures were real. That I had no idea you could manufacture "proof" like that?"
He looked at me lovingly and said, "Yeah, I have lived with you long enough to know that you are not exactly a rocket scientist when it comes to digital things. They looked authentic on the surface; even to me. And there is nothing in your entire history that would lead you to suspect the kind of treachery that you were facing."
I said, "So you agree that I believed that you had betrayed me in the most hurtful way possible."
He said. "I know how I would feel if I saw pictures of you doing that. I'd be shocked and disheartened beyond any possibility of redemption. It would destroy everything that I held sacred in my life."
He added, "And before you ask the question I can tell you that I would think that I had never known you in the first place. I recognize that was how you must have felt and I can relate to your state of mind. I would be completely overwhelmed."
I said with such extreme emotion in my voice that it even surprised me, "That is only part of it." He looked puzzled.
"It might seem incredible to you, as it now does to me, that I would immediately turn to another man, given how much we have meant to each other.
But I am the PRETTY girl. I have always been able to manipulate men. They're like dogs to me. All I have to do is give them a little scratch behind the ears, and they eagerly do whatever I want them to do."
"So I have been conditioned to always look to a man to take care of any unpleasant situations, should they arise. That power over men has made me weak, because, I never learned to swim in troubled water. "
"All my life I have counted on my beauty to insulate me from everything bad in this world. Oh, it was never the actual beauty. But because of my face and figure I have never had to fight my own battles. All I had to do was play the damsel in distress and hordes of white knights would ride to my rescue."
"I NOW realize how shamelessly I used that ploy."
"You filled THAT role for me for the past 17 years. And you made my world a haven of peace, contentment and absolute security. I am proud to be your wife and happy to spend a career working in a place where I can be dedicated to making children happy."
"I am ashamed to say that my dependence on you made me utterly susceptible to somebody smart enough to see that I was hollow inside."
"So, when I thought you had betrayed me I was adrift in a hurricane. And Murphy was there like the proverbial life raft to save me from drowning."
"My subsequent actions have convinced me that even though I appear to be a mature woman, I have the personal strength and integrity of a child. Without a man around to protect me I am naΓ―ve, fragile and exposed to the dangers of the world. "
"Given my weakness, imagine how alone and frightened I was when you were removed from my life. Then you will understand what drove my actions that week. I was beyond panic stricken and so I naturally turned to Murphy to solve my problems."
"I was sure you had abandoned me and I was completely lost. I called Murphy because he was YOUR friend, not mine. I thought he could be trusted because YOU trusted him. And he straightaway became my emotional prop in your absence."
"And before you go to the trouble of pointing it out, I am not missing the fact that I must have associated him with you, since he got through my defenses a lot faster than normal."
"He had plenty of time in advance to plan the seduction and because I am weak and naΓ―ve he easily led me to my downfall."
"He was totally non-threatening and he seemed to sincerely care about my pain. And let me assure you that I was feeling very, VERY sorry for myself during that period. So his sympathy especially resonated with me."
"More important, and God forgive me for this, I absolutely hated you for what I thought you had done to me. He kept whispering in my ear that the pictures were only the tip of the iceberg. He said that you had betrayed me numerous times before, but he just didn't have the proof like he had this time."
"I would have spoken to you right away if he had not kept waving that 'proof' in my face. Every time I suggested talking to you he would drag out a new horror to show me."
"I know now that he was just keeping me on a leash by stoking the fires of my jealousy. But at the time it seemed like he was the only caring friend I had and I absolutely didn't know who YOU were."
"And he always came off as somebody who cared about BOTH of us. He did a masterful job of acting the reluctant and embarrassed friend every time he showed me a new picture, like he was ashamed to be the one to tell me."
"He left the impression that although he loved you he simply could not sanction your behavior, like he was the moral son dismayed by the actions of his older brother."
"And because I trusted him I let him lead me into a view of the situation that he had carefully designed to make me as totally dependent on HIM as I had previously been on YOU."
"You don't need to tell me. I know that he should never have been able to drive me off course so easily. I should have been steering by my own internal compass and strong enough to make the right decisions. But because I was so dependent on you I couldn't handle your betraying me and I threw myself into the arms of any friendly face willing to help me cope."
"IF I had had the courage to stand up for myself I would have immediately involved you in the discussion. You are my husband and you are the person who I had pledged my trust to."
"I want you to understand that I recognize and accept that it was my lack of personal strength that put me where I am now."
"And I know that I will have to become a stronger and more independent woman before I will trust myself, let alone ask YOU to trust me. But I have no way of even knowing where to begin building those qualities into my life. That is where I hope you can help me."
"I want to be better for you because I am sure that without the confidence to face things there will be another time; a time when I will be challenged and fail again."
Then, realizing what I had just implied I said with horror, "I don't mean to suggest that I will EVER be unfaithful to you."