I'm a writer and I work from home. I am moderately successful. A few years ago, I added a two-car garage with a large room overhead to our house. This allows me a fortress of solitude from which to work. Working from home, along with a chance meeting with a tech-whiz, brought together the elements of an unusual, but fortunate experience.
I receive all kinds of promotional things in the mail, as well as in my email. But, who doesn't? I had been considering software that allowed me to speak my thoughts while my computer transcribed them. I wanted something that worked very well and left little room for snafus. To this end, I responded to a mailing about a tech show at a local hotel. There was where it all began.
As I wandered from booth to booth and vendor to vendor, I found myself amazed at the technological advances available. I struck up a conversation with a vendor about my age. He sold cameras and security items. He had cameras with him that were the size of a pencil, or smaller.
As we chatted, I explained that I was a writer. To my pleasant surprise, he had read several of my efforts. He was able to name most of the pieces I had managed to get published. Needless to say, I admired the fellow's good sense and great taste. No matter how well I do, I always enjoy, or actually crave, acceptance and praise. This guy supplied it.
"I have a real cool camera I can loan you, Don," he confided. "All you do is place this tiny transmitter/camera someplace secret and attach this unit to your TV. You will see and hear everything with incredible clarity."
"That looks smaller than my dick, and almost as harmless," I chuckled. "What, or who, would I want spy on with that camera?"
"Find out what the wife says about you when you aren't in the room. See what the milkman does with her. See when dinner is ready. Shit, Don, there are a million uses for this thing," he added. "If nothing else, you will amaze people with your intuition. When the wife tells her friend she wants a watch from you for her anniversary and you get her a watch, she will be putty in your hands."
"I can see where it would be fun to play around with," I admitted. "It is so tiny, I can hide it one of her damn little knick-knack things in the kitchen and she would never know! How long can I have it?"
"Promise you won't tell anyone about this, okay?" he insisted. "It is not yet approved for the general public. I think we have a few thousand in the new Russian Embassy in Washington. I have another show at the Hotel Esquire in Denton next weekend. You can return it to me then."
I walked out of that show without the software I wanted, but with a tiny camera in my pocket. It was extremely simple to install. My wife was at work so I placed the camera part on a shelf that Loretta had crammed with figurines and artsy shit that served no real purpose that I could discern. I hid it under something that looked like a frog, or maybe a dog. I couldn't really tell and didn't care. When I stepped back into the kitchen a few feet, it was not even visible.
I had my doubts about getting any sort of picture, but I decided to try it. I inserted the receiver into my cable hook-up in the back of the TV and then reattached the cable to it. I turned on the television and it worked fine, if you like soap operas! Nothing had changed. I began going down the channels. I was about to give up when I hit channel 03 and suddenly my kitchen was on my big screen in living color!
I found that if I turned up the volume, I could hear the clock on the wall in the kitchen tick. I could see most of our eat-in kitchen, including the work area and the table. The picture was even better than cable. Soon I got bored watching the kitchen and turned on ESPN. Loretta wouldn't be home from work for another hour and there wasn't so much as a mouse walking around.
I was working on outlines for my next best seller and had plenty of time. When I am actually in the throes of brilliant writing, I can spend a whole day and night typing and creating. I stop only for a bathroom break or a snack. Luckily, I was not in that mode.
I heard Loretta pull into the garage below me, so I switched the channel to the kitchen. Loretta walked in with some groceries and put them away. It was really quite impressive. I was able to watch every move she made and it was very clear. I had to adjust the volume down because her heels made loud clicks on the floor. Loretta then began to unbutton her blouse. I found that quite erotic. It was like she was in a soap of her own. Then she left the room.
I knew she was going to go change from her work clothes, as she always did. I also knew I could go watch her if I wanted. I might even get lucky, although after 16 years of marriage, our sex life was a bit stagnant. Instead of going to watch her change, I began to wonder if I should have placed the camera in the bedroom. Then I could watch without having to get up. I marveled at my romantic nature.
I went back to work on my great American novel. I almost fell off my chair when I heard Loretta speak. I thought she was in the room with me! I swung around and looked for her. That was when I realized she had returned to the kitchen and was using the phone. I made a note to myself to keep a closer eye on the TV, lower the volume, and to change my underwear at the first opportunity.
I listened to Loretta's end of the conversation. She was talking to her mother and getting all her family news. Uncle Jack had a hernia and cousin Nancy had missed her period and might be pregnant. That would be okay, if the tramp had ever bothered to get married! I stored away the information, thinking I could look smart sometime, which would shock the shit out of my wife's family.
A short time after Loretta finished her conversation with her mother the phone rang again. Loretta seemed surprised and pleased to speak with the caller. It seemed that it was an old college friend coming to town for the week. Her name was Magill and she called herself Lil.
Lil was in town for a job related seminar and wanted to get together with Loretta to catch up on everything. Before I could sprint down to the kitchen and put a stop to it, Loretta invited Lil to spend the week with us.
"We have a spare room and I would love to have you close so we can get reacquainted!" persuaded Loretta. "He won't mind, really. He spends most of his time in his little castle working on his books."
I knew I was the topic of the conversation now.
"Yes, he does quite well. You've read that one?" quizzed Loretta. "I haven't been able to get through it, although it is one of his best sellers."
What the hell was that remark? My own wife can't wade through my books? She sure doesn't mind wading through the surf when the royalties enable us to spend two weeks at the Caymans every year!
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," laughed Loretta. "I will pick you up at the airport tomorrow evening. It's settled!"
I decided there would be a great deal less that I didn't know from that point forward. My spy network was going to come in handy. I would be able to hear what plans were being hatched and just what I was expected to not know.
It occurred to me that I had seen this situation before. Then it came to me. George Burns had a similar hook-up to watch Gracie! He always knew about her schemes and was able to thwart them. I considered speaking to my imaginary audience like George always did, but that could be a bad habit to begin. My fans would have to figure out everything with no help from me.
Needless to say, I never mentioned to Loretta that I was able to observe everything that transpired in the kitchen. Never give up the advantage.
I wandered into the kitchen just as Loretta was placing dinner on the table. I smiled to myself as I thought how she usually had to climb up the stairs and bang on the door to get me to come to dinner.
"Honey, I got a call from an old friend today," she began. The 'Honey' part was a signal that she wanted something. "She is going to be in town for a week and I invited her to stay with us. You don't mind, do you?"
