Out of Session: the Beginnings

In a lot of stories here (especially in the mind control section) there are tales of unscrupulous psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists, most of whom manipulate or take advantage of their patients (and a few of whom get taken advantage of by their patients). I thought I'd write something about a psychiatrist who behaves the way real psychiatrists do. No explicit sex in this one, just referenced sex. Enjoy.

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Thursday, 1:00 PM:

"Good afternoon Janice, come in. Have a seat."

"Good afternoon, Helen."

"So, where would you like to start today? Any new developments?"

"No, not since Monday. But I expect to see him again tomorrow."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well, I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I know I shouldn't be doing this."

"Why is that?"

"Pete is a wonderful husband, and a great guy. I'm as certain as one can be that he's not fooling around behind my back. And I know he would be livid if he knew about Dave."

"Then why have the affair with Dave?"

"I'm not ... I mean, Dave's a decent guy as far as I can tell, I'm drawn to him, but I know that my husband is a better fit for me. And I'm drawn to them both, but in different ways."

"Do you want the affair with Dave to continue?"

"I ... I'm not sure. I like it, but I hate it too."

"Let's start with the hate. What do you hate about it?"

"I don't want to hurt Pete. If people knew about it, they would think I'm a slut. My parents would have a fit. And my kids, I think they would be the most hurt of all."

"You seem very focused on other people's reactions to the affair. What parts of it do you hate?"

"I, ... I don't know. I hate that Pete might not love me, or love me as much, if he knew."

"That's still about him. Look. Janice. Forget about everyone else, what they think, what they might or might not do. Look at your feelings, your emotions. What do you hate about the affair. Try to talk about it without talking about anyone else at all."

"Umm, okay. So I know that I'm cheating on ... on my marriage. And that makes me feel, well, cheap. Dirty. Slutty. And I'm not oblivious to the fact that if the affair is exposed, it could really change my life."

"How would you feel if your life was changed by the affair being exposed?"

"Well, pretty bad. I like my life. I'm happy with my husband, my kids, my house, my work."

"So you're risking a lot by having the affair. If so, why do it?"

"I... I don't know. That's why I'm here, doc."

"All right. So we have some idea what you hate about it. What do you love about it?"

"The excitement, it's something I would have never imagined that I could have done. And the naughtiness of it is exciting too. Also, it makes me feel empowered, that I can make a decision to do something like this, something outside the expected societal norms. I'm not just boring old Janice, receptionist for an interior design firm, wife and mother, I've got this secret thing going on. It makes me feel vibrantly alive, like dancing on the edge of a cliff."

"An apt analogy. You can enjoy the view and the dancing, but you might have a tremendous fall." Helen paused for a few moments.

"Now, it's not my job to tell you what to do," Helen continued. "Our goal here is to get you to understand how you feel, and let you take actions based on those feelings. But I can't help but suggest that there are other things one could do to feel alive besides having an affair."

"Not right now. This is consuming my thoughts. It's so deliciously naughty. Despite the risk, heck, partly because of it. I feel more alive than I have in years."

"I see. And is this something you envision doing for years?"

"I don't know. I'm not thinking that far ahead. Maybe I'll just get this out of my system and then fall back into being my predictable old self."

"You realize that the longer it goes on, the greater the chance you'd get caught, and have all the things you fear happen to you, right?"

"Yes, of course. I just have to be smart, and not take stupid risks."

"One could argue that doing anything with Dave is a stupid risk."

"And one could argue that I might never get the chance to do this again, and not doing it is riskier than doing it. I mean, would I wonder what could have been for the rest of my life? How could I be happy growing old with Pete if I didn't know what this was like?"

"All right. If that's your argument, then wouldn't you need to have an affair with every man, no, every person, alive, to make sure Pete is the one that you want to grow old with?"

"No, it's, no, I don't know how to explain it. This is something I think I need to try."

"All right. Why do you need to try it? Let's get a handle on those feelings."

"Well, it's a unique opportunity. Guys generally don't hit on me. I mean, I'm okay looking, but nothing special."

"Janice, listen to me. As special as this feels to you, understand that it's not unique. A married woman getting romantic attention from someone besides her husband is one of the oldest stories in the world. It's happened millions of times, no hundreds of millions of times. And if you were to never see Dave again, I guarantee you that you'd have other men interested in you, whether you're married or not."

"Yes, well, I, ... I suppose that's true. And you're right, there would be others. I mean, I can't remember any other men really trying to, you know, but I suppose there have been."

"That's interesting. Hear me out on this. I'm pretty sure that Dave isn't the first guy that's tried to seduce you despite the ring on your finger. But he's the first that has had any success. Why do you think that is?"

"I, well, I mean, he was very deliberate and persistent."

"How so?"

"I suppose it started maybe, about a year ago. He stopped in to our office, despite not having any business there. He's in medical sales." Helen's lips curled a tiny bit as Janice spoke, and then relaxed. "He sees two clients in the building, but has no reason to stop by an interior design firm. Nonetheless, he kept stopping by the front desk, saying hi to me, chatting for a few minutes. After a few months of that, he stopped by right before lunch, and we took our lunches together in the courtyard. We did that once or twice a week for several more months. We talked, we ate, heck, I talked about my husband and my kids. He's single. We became really good friends."

"Then, a couple of months ago, he confided that he had feelings for me, strong feelings, feelings that he knew were wrong, but he couldn't help it, that's how he felt. He told me he absolutely didn't want me to leave my husband, that would be horrible, and he thought that nothing could come of it, but he wanted me to know. He gave me the same speech at our next three meetings, and the beginning of an idea started to germinate in my head. The next time we met up for lunch, I suggested a quiet, dark restaurant. After the meal, I kissed him, a peck at first, and then we smooched for a little bit. We had a quiet conversation as he walked me back to the office, could we do this secretly, could we take it a little farther, and so forth. He absolutely assured me that he didn't want to break up my marriage, that he would be completely discrete, and that he was sorry that he had these feelings, he knew they were wrong, but he couldn't resist them."

"Later that week, we took lunch on the patio again, he said it was important to keep up appearances, that if he suddenly stopped appearing at work, people would wonder. The cover story was that we were old high school friends, that he knew Pete as well. We agreed on a hotel for our next 'lunch', and met there. That was early last week. We kissed, made out some, he played with my boobs, and then I gave him a blowjob, and he gave me head too. He was really good at it. Pete is good, and he tries hard, but Dave was way better."

"I took a few more lunches out, without Dave, to keep up appearances. Then, on Monday, we met at a hotel again for 'lunch'. Same stuff, except after he went down on me, we did the deed. It was good, he wasn't as good as Pete at that, but before we screwed, when he went down on me, oh my, it was even better than last time. I mean, just out of this world good. After we were through, he said that next time, if there was going to be a next time, he'd show me how to ride his face, because that way I could have more control, and it would be even better. I don't know how that's possible, but I can't wait for tomorrow afternoon. We're hooking up after work, before I go home. I'll leave work a little early, and tell Pete I have to work a little late."

"Interesting. And after all this, you made your first appointment with me two days ago?"

"Yes, I, well, I want to do it again with Dave, but I'm also totally freaking out. I needed to see someone, to talk about it."

"Are you seeking my approval for your affair?"

"No, I don't think that's what I want. I just want to help manage this, I mean, these crazy feelings I have ..., I don't love Dave, but I'm totally, I don't know, in lust with him, I suppose, and I'm very afraid what could happen because of all of this."

"As you should be. What do you think your fear means to you? What kinds of things induce fear?"

"Dangerous things. Things that can hurt me." Janice paused and then continued, "But I'm not afraid of Dave. I know he doesn't want to hurt me."

"So what are you afraid of, then?"

"Well, of being discovered, obviously."

"I'm not sure it's that obvious, or that simple."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, suppose that, instead of fearing discovery, there's a part of you that wants to be discovered. That wants to let the world, well, your world, know that Janice is a risk-taker, someone who could live in the moment, have an affair, not be boring and staid and predictable. To let Pete know that if he doesn't keep trying to win your heart, you might find affection elsewhere."

"I don't think so, I mean, I love Pete, of course I love Pete, he's my husband. He and I, ...."

"Hold that thought. You just said, 'Of course I love Pete, he's my husband.' That implies that because he's your husband, you love him. Doesn't it usually work the other way around? You love someone, so you marry them; he becomes your husband because he loves you and you love him, not you love him because he's your husband."

"Huh? I, no, that's not, I mean, no, I love Pete, I really do."

"It's not me that you have to prove it to."

"Oh, then who, Pete, like Pete himself?"

"No, you yourself. You need to be honest with yourself in here. It's possible that you're having an affair because on some level you aren't happy in your marriage, and want to leave it. This may be your subconscious trying to send you a message. Or, that idea could be totally wrong. But you have to wrestle with these difficult ideas. I can't tell you what your subconscious is thinking, you have to figure that out. I can only help, and try to keep you focused on what we think is important."

"Oh. Okay."

"So, does that resonate with you?"

"I, ... I don't think so. I mean, the thought of growing old with Pete, getting a vacation house, traveling, retiring together, going to our kids graduations and weddings, all that sounds wonderful to me."

"Then why this dalliance with Dave? Why risk that wonderful future?"

"I... I just don't know. Or, I don't think I know."

"Ah, you have some doubt about your not knowing. Let's explore that. Just now, when you said you don't think you know, did something come to mind, right then?"

"No, well, not really."

"Not really?"

"No, nothing. It's just this stupid memory."

"Interesting. I don't think it's stupid at all, and I haven't heard it yet. Why don't you share it with me?"

"I mean, it's just this silly little thing from when I was a kid."

"Look, Janice, I can't force you to talk about it, but if you want to make progress in here, if you want to get to the bottom of this issue, you need to honor the things that come up in your mind, respect the process. So, I'll ask again, could you please tell me about this memory that just came up for you?"

"Fine, fine. Our families were all gathered at my aunt and uncle's house, my mother's brother and his wife. They had a daughter, my cousin, Samantha, but everyone called her Sami. She was a bit of a rebel. While the grownups were busy upstairs, we kids were playing in the basement. She suggested we sneak out the basement door and go for a little adventure in the woods behind her house. I replied that our parents told us to play in the basement, not go outside, but we could ask them for permission to play in the woods. Sami replied that I was such a 'nice girl', but she said it with an accent full of contempt and derision. "You always want to play nice. That's you, play nice Ja-nice. You're no fun."

"How does that memory make you feel?"

"Well, unadventurous. Boring. Predictable. No fun."

"What else do you associate with that thought?"

"I... I don't know what you mean."

"You told me how you felt after Sami taunted you. Did you answer her?"

"No, she went over to my little brother and told him that she wanted to take him out to the woods for a frog hunt. Stevie loved that idea, so she grabbed a plastic bag and headed out the door, but not before telling me that if I tattled on her, she'd tell my mom about the vase I broke the last time she was over at my house. We blamed it on the dog, but I was playing catch with her with a pillow and I knocked over the vase. So I stayed in the basement while she stole away with Stevie."

"And looking back at that memory as an adult, how do you feel?"

"Well, I was worried she'd tell on me, and afraid that she took Stevie out, and I'd get into trouble for that."

"That's you remembering the incident as a child. How about revisiting it, in the role of an adult, with kids of her own? Who is at fault here?"

"I shouldn't have let her go."

"Why did you?"

"She would have told on me."

"And as an adult, what would you call that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Nine letters, begins with a 'B'."

"Borderline, no, that's ten letters, bratty, be... I don't know."

"Second letter 'L'."

"B, L, ... blackmail?"

"Exactly."

"But, she,... yes, I guess you're right."

"So she taunted you for not going and then went with your little brother, blackmailing you into not telling on her. What else happened?"

"Well, I stayed there and played with her little brother, who was even younger than Stevie. It was really boring for me. They came back just in time for dinner, but Stevie came down with this rash on his leg. Mom had to take him to the doctor on Monday, he was itching it all weekend."

"Sounds like poison ivy."

"Yeah, maybe it was. I just thought it was God punishing Stevie."

"Did God punish Sami?"

"No, not that I know of."

"Interesting. It's clearly no coincidence that this came up today. The feelings you expressed at the beginning of the session, about not just being 'boring old Janice', that totally resonated with Sami's calling you 'Play nice Ja-nice.' Surely you see the connection?"

"Yes, I suppose so, now that you mention it. But what do we do with that?"

"Do? Well, we process it, we add it to the pool of data that we have to help figure out why you're conflicted about this affair with Dave."

"You mean so I can stop the affair?"

"No, so you can come to grips with it, and make decisions about it intelligently. Maybe you need something like this for some reason. Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something that you can't be told any other way. Or maybe it is exactly what you're describing it as, a bit of possibly harmless fun to spice things up, and the risk is what gives it the spice."

"I just don't know. I'm so confused now."

"Before you build a new understanding of what is, you have to destroy the old one. Some confusion is normal and necessary. Let's do an exercise. Imagine that you're going to call your cousin Sami on the phone and tell her about your affair. What would you say to her?"

"Well, I couldn't do that. I mean, she's back in rehab, her husband divorced her because of her oxy habit, and she cheated on him, but he doesn't know that, I think, and she's not gonna tell him. Well, she probably will, at some point when she's having another argument with him, to hurt him, but she hasn't yet."

"Right, there's a lot going on there, perhaps too much. Let's do this, then. Imagine you can call her in the past, the her that took Stevie on that walk in the woods. What would you say to her?"

"Don't get hooked on oxy after your ankle surgery, and don't give head to your supplier for more."

"No, about you, and your affair, not hers. Tell her what you're doing. How would she, kid Sami, react. How would her reaction make you feel? So, have the conversation with her. You do both parts."

"All right. So I'd tell her that I'm married to a great guy now, but that I'm having a little fling to spice things up."

"Say it. Dialog with her, ... well, imaginary her."

"So I say, 'So, Sami, I'm married now, but having this little fling with a guy on the side.' And then she says, 'Oooh, you naughty naughty girl. I didn't think you had it in you. Is he a hunk, the side guy?' And I reply, 'Well, no, he's a bit doughy, but he's nice, I like his eyes, they are such a deep blue, and he really seems to be into me. That's what has my motor running, how much he seems to want me.' So she'd answer, well, maybe something like, 'What're you gonna do to keep two guys interested in you?' And I'd say, 'Well, hubby doesn't know about side guy, so that's fine, and side guy is super into me, so that's no problem.' And she'd say, 'You got it made in the shade, cuz.' And then I don't know what I'd say after that."

"Interesting. So what did you learn from that?"

"I don't, well, ... I mean, what am I supposed to say."

"You're not supposed to say anything. Just be honest with me, and with yourself. What does that last conversation make you think about."

"How messed up Sami's life is now."

"Not surprising. And imaginary her seemed to approve of your affair. Do you respect her judgement on that?"

"On that, I suppose, but, ...."

"Yes?"

"Yes what?"

"Continue that thought. You suppose, but, ...."

"Well, it's just that she's made such a mess of things herself. She didn't marry well, had a turbulent time with her now ex, and now he refuses to have anything to do with their daughter, leaving my aunt to raise the girl while she's in rehab again."

"So you're suggesting that her judgement is perhaps not the best?"

"It's pretty bad, objectively."

"And what does that suggest to you about her feelings about the affair?"

"She probably has that wrong too."

"Which implies what about it?"

"That it's a bad idea?"

"I agree. That is, I agree that, putting all this together, your internalization of Sami liking the affair suggests that it's a bad idea. So, again, that begs the question, why do it?"

"I told you. It's exciting. I feel alive. I have this secret. I'm special, not boring old Ja-nice."

"Consider the idea that you're doing it to seek approval from your rebellious cousin. I mean, you don't want to get addicted to oxy, but this is something small you can do to be like her. Does that idea resonate with you at all?"

"I don't, ... well, maybe a little."

"Let's examine that some more. Do you want to prove to Sami, or more importantly, prove to yourself, that you're not just Ja-nice, that you can have some spice in your life?"

"I, ... I suppose that's possible."

"Possible doesn't help us here. If you think that, deep down, you feel that way on some level, allowing that you might feel totally differently on other levels, then we should explore it. If you don't think that there's anything in this idea then we should move on to something else."