Opening up Letting Go

Chapter 7; Anything and Everything I Want

"Baltimore? What are we going to Baltimore for?" Tina said the name of the city as if it left a bad taste in her mouth.

"What do you have against Baltimore? I hear it's a nice city. I have a presentation to make and thought you'd like a long weekend away?'

"It's just not what I think of when you mention a weekend away?" Tina had never been very good at hiding her disappointment, and clearly, she was disappointed.

"Okay, I'll grant you that Baltimore isn't on the top ten weekend getaway list, but I have be there Thursday and Friday, only a few hours each day. The rest of the time I'd like to be deeply buried between your fabulous legs. The only way that can happen is if you come with me."

"Well, if you put it that way I will go get us packed right now!"

"Not yet my love. Though I appreciate your enthusiasm, I have another activity in mind. It's a game called Simon Says. I know you've played it before but there are some new rules to this game. I'm Simon and you have do what I say. Do it well and we get to keep going, do it poorly and the game is over."

"You are Simon and I have to do what you say? How is this different from real life?"

"Because my name is Jack. Simon says you may not talk."

Tina didn't move except her imperial brow lifted nearly to her hair line.

"Simon says follow me in an attitude of pleasant compliance." I walked into our home office. It was actually a bedroom that had been vacated by our son Brian. A year after the twins went off to college; Tina moved Brian's things into his twin's bedroom. Brian and Braden were not thrilled to learn of their shared bedroom back home. But it seemed ridiculous to leave two bedrooms unused for 9 months of the year. This May, the twins would be graduating and we still didn't know if they planned to move back home or not. If they did move back in here, Tina wanted to reconfigure things as the originally were, giving them their own rooms again. My first inclination was to not make it so easy for them to move home, by giving them back their own rooms. But now I secretly and selfishly hoped they would move back home with us.

I sat down in the ridiculously expensive desk chair Tina had insisted we buy. I had to admit, it was remarkably comfortable and I was glad she insisted on it. Tina successfully resisted the urge to crow on the rooftop that she had been right.

"Simon says sit on the desk facing me and place your hands in your lap." I pushed a stack of files and a pile of bills out of the way.

Tina silently sat on the desk and crossed her legs.

"Simon says lean forward." She began to lean forward but since her legs crossed, she was in danger of falling into me, so she spread her legs. Then her eye brows went up and she spread them even wider as she grinned and shook her head at me.

"Simon says unbutton your blouse." She did.

"Simon says remove your blouse and toss it on the floor." She did.

"Simon says lower the straps on your bra." She did.

"Simon says unhook and remove your bra." She did, slowly, teasingly. She was good at this game.

"Simon says lean forward and make your breasts shimmy from side to side." I leaned back in my wonderfully comfortable desk chair and watched Tina's tits bounce into each other as she shimmied her shoulders. "Simon says do not stop until you have been told." I slowly raised my hands to her breasts and just held them still and in place which caused her nipples to rub against my palms as she obeyed my instructions. She arched her back and closed her eyes clearly enjoying the game.

"Simon says stop. Simon says stand up and remove your jeans and panties." She had been breathing heavily, off in arousal land, but managed to hear my instructions and respond appropriately.

"Simon says sit back on the desk in exactly the same position. Simon says makes your breasts shimmy." Again I raised my hands so her nipples would rub against my palms. After a few minutes I noticed the comical way in which she tried to shimmy her breasts at the same time that her hips were circling and grinding. She couldn't control those hips at all when her nipples were being played with. I was curious to see how her mind and body would reconcile these two seemingly incongruous actions. Her shoulder movements were a cognitive task while the movements of her hips were an associative response. Meanwhile she's becoming more and more aroused, thus making cognitive tasks more difficult and associative movements more pronounced.

My mind wandered to body movement and neural functioning; the connection between motor neurons and associative movement. How many motor neurons does it take for the body to associatively respond to stimuli, specifically, sexual stimulation? Would pelvic grinding and thrusting be one of the last things to go, or among the first? Perhaps being in my office wasn't having the kind of effect on me I had anticipated?

"Simon says lay back on the desk. Simon says pull your knees up and spread them wide." As she completed her instructions, I stood up and continued to play with her nipples.

I could smell her arousal, mixed in with grapefruit body lotion she must have recently applied. I glanced down at her pussy and smiled. I wondered where she got the idea to shave her mound only leaving two patches of hair that distinctly resembled a T and a J. She had kept her nooks and crannies shaved completely smooth though. I approved.

I leaned down and began to swab my tongue on all her hairless parts. She moaned rather endearingly as I latched onto her swollen clit. But then the phone rang. I reached over to turn on the answering machine but then saw the number on caller ID and knew I couldn't allow Tina to hear this message.

"Simon says freeze. I'm sorry babe but I have to take this call, I've been expecting it. It won't take long though so you just stay right where you are."

Shit, damn and god damn hell! I just wanted one more week, just seven lousy stinking days of having everything normal before the storms came.

I reached for the phone and as I picked it up I lost my balance and fell pulling the phone down with me.

Tina gasped something loudly; I can't say what, as she jumped off the desk, pushed the chair out of the way and kneeled beside me. "Oh my God! Jack, are you okay?"

I could hear the woman on the other line saying; "Hello? Hello?" I saw the look of concern in Tina's eyes. I felt the pain in my side where I had obviously hit the arm of the chair on my way down. But then I noticed that Tina was still naked and I decided to focus on that.

I said into the phone, "I'm here. Can you hang on just a sec, the phone dropped?" Then I covered the phone into my side, the side that was throbbing.

"Simon says you are in big trouble for moving before Simon told you to. Simon says cease worrying and help me up." I was pissed at my weakness. This was the third time in as many days I felt too weak to get myself up after a fall! Damn it!

As I settled myself back into my chair I realized the spell had been broken.

"Tina, lets continue this a little later. Give me time to take this call and lick my wounds."

"Are you okay, did you hurt something?" She was running her hands over my head; looking for an ominous bump, no doubt.

"Yes, God damn it I said I'm fine. Now will you please let me get straightened out here?" I said much more forcefully than I should have. I needed her out of the room. I wasn't keeping it together like I had been. I needed to get this call over with and regroup, in private.

After she left, carrying her clothes with her, I was on the verge of tears. The picture of dejection she had presented was acutely painful to me. I reached for calmness and took several deep breaths, a technique I had read about when researching this fucking disease. 'Calm and quiet' I thought to myself.

"Hello, sorry I kept you waiting. I fell and took the phone down with me."

"I take it this is Mr. Wright then?"

"Yes, was it the fall or the length of time it took to get back up that gave me away?"

"I'm so sorry Mr. Wright. This is Gabby Leventhal from the Packard Center, I'll be your care coordinator. I am calling to confirm the appointments we have lined up for you next week."

"Yes, Gabby thanks for calling. But now is really not a good time. Could you just shoot me an email with the appointment times and locations? You have my email address right?"

"That's fine Mr. Wright. I understand this is all new to you and overwhelming as hell." She paused a moment like she was waiting for me to say something in reply. Agree with her? Disagree with her? What would be the point I asked myself?

"Mr. Wright, I would like to make this all go away but we both know that's not possible. What I can do though, and sometimes this makes people angry, is make sure my patients have the support they need. Mr. Wright, you haven't told your wife yet have you?"

I remained silent, gritting my teeth. I was not interested in being accountable to this woman.

"I take the silence to mean that you haven't told your wife. I am also figuring out that you don't want to talk about this right now. So I'm just going to explain one more thing. My job, as your care coordinator, is to make sure you are prepared with everything you are going to need. Sometimes I must place preparedness ahead of the patient's desire to block it all out. Sometimes I must force them to at least be prepared with equipment they will need. How many times have you fallen in the last seven days?"

"Maybe five times." I lied.

"Have you had any broken bones or concussions yet?

"Yet? Are broken bones and concussions part of the progression?"

"Only if the patient refuses support, a walker may be necessary very soon Mr. Wright."

"Are you finished yet?" I seethed! Who the hell did this woman think she was?

"I'm used to patients being angry with me. It's okay Mr. Wright. That's how I know I'm doing my job and taking care of them. Most of us here, are here because we've lived through it. I'm no exception. I'll send you the email as soon as we hang up and I'll see you next Thursday."

I stayed in my office for another hour before I was composed enough to face Tina again. God, just let me get through the next seven days before I have to tell Tina.

It was not to be though.

Tina and I had arrived in Baltimore that following Wednesday evening and checked into an historical Bed and Breakfast. Our rooms were beautiful. We had a king size four poster bed, decked out in linens that Tina went nuts over. In the bathroom was a glass paneled shower stall big enough for two with room to spare. It had dual shower heads, above and dual shower heads below. We both could stand under our own shower head while our crotches got sprayed by the lower shower heads. But the best part for both of us was the double sized Jacuzzi tub! I planned to use all the water Baltimore had throughout the weekend.

We were also on the first floor so there were no steps for me to worry about. Tina had noticed my foot dragging, but I told her I had hurt my knee when I fell in the office. In the evenings when I was really tired, my speech was a little slurry. Because she had jokingly accused me of drinking too much I took to nursing a pretend rum and coke every afternoon to throw her off track. She believed we were here in Baltimore because I was wrapping up a consulting job I did, giving my final presentations. I had already quit working full time and was only going into the office a few times a week, for only a few hours.

We decided to have dinner in our room that first evening; Tina was so enamored with the decorating she didn't want to leave the room. I went out to pick up dinner and a bottle of wine while Tina had a nice soak the tub.

When I came back I had one of the kids from the front help me carry the food and wine into the room, tipped him before we arrived so Tina would think it a regular service. The scene, as I opened the door, caused my heart to stop beating. I dropped the wine on the nearest flat surface and grabbed the food boxes from the kid shooing him out the door.

She was holding my MRI films up to the light. My leather portfolio that secretly contained all my films, MRIs and other test results had been opened; the contents spilled out all over the various surfaces. She turned to me and I saw that tears had been running down her face. But her look warped into a murderous rage when she met my eyes.

"Well, haven't we been busy while I was out getting dinner. What the hell is all this Tina?" I was kidding myself thinking I could divert her wrath by confusing the identity of the culprit.

"What is 'Amyotrophic Lateral Scleroses and why are we really here in Baltimore?"

"Tina, sit down. Put the films down and come sit on the sofa with me." She continued to stare at me, not moving, not breathing, not shaking, not anything. "Tina, please put all that down and come sit with me."

Still she didn't move so I got up and went to her, pulled the film out of her hand and pulled her back to the sofa with me. Oh, God I didn't know how to do this. There was no good way to do this. I had brought her here, with me, specifically to do this. But she had intruded into my plan. And now, I couldn't even remember what I had planned to say.

I took a few moments to regroup. I wanted to hold her hand but my hands were shaking, from nerves, not from neuro-muscular atrophy.

"We are here in Baltimore to spend time with each other. I am here in Baltimore to see some specialists at Johns Hopkins Hospital. I have ALS and there is some research going on here that might lead to a good treatment." I waited for her to ask, but she just stared at me. "Tina, do you want me to tell you more or do you want to just think about this a while."

"Tell me." Had she even moved her lips or had I imagined her response?

"Okay, you asked what Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis is, it's called ALS or Lou Gehrig's' disease." At that name she looked at me and the tears just came pouring down her face again. She had a close friend when she was in high school whose mother died of ALS. "Do you know what that is now?"

"Tell me more."

"It's a neuro degenerative disease; there is no treatment, no cure. I will slowly loose all muscle functioning in my body and die." I stopped there but remembered the rest from when it had been explained to me. I could expect to lose the ability to balance, walk, move my arms and hands, ability to eat, or talk, and finally the ability to breathe. My brain will otherwise function normally, I'll be able to think and feel and remain as intelligent as I am now. Locked in a "glass coffin" is how I will end my days in two to five years.

"How long have you known? When were you going to tell me?"

"A while now. After I found out if I could get into this research project thing here, something about stem cells. It's a long shot that I'll get in but it's worth a try. I didn't want you to get your hopes up, and then dashed if I don't get in. I was planning on telling you Friday evening. That way we could spend Saturday and Sunday here, alone together."

She began to shake, her whole body, like she was freezing. I went to the bed and grabbed the blanket. I came back and wrapped her in it. But then she got up, took off her robe, and got into bed. She curled into a ball, into her cocoon. I was familiar with that cocoon, the drive to block it all out, make it go away. I wasn't sure what to do so I sat there and waited. 'When in doubt do nothing;" came flooding back to me so I got up and took off my clothes and got into bed with her.

I reached over and grabbed her and she clung to me, still crying. But then the hyperventilating began. I had expected to hold her as she cried but hadn't thought about true hysterics. She wasn't hysterical yet so I put my energy into keeping it that way.

"Tina, calm yourself, take a deep breath. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I'm still here and I promise I won't put you through too much. I can end this as soon as it becomes too much on everyone. I promise it won't be horrible."

She sat up and looked at me. I sat up and looked at her. And then she tried to slap the shit out of me!

"Don't you dare!" She smacked my head. "Don't you even think about leaving me? How dare you?" She smacked my shoulder. "You will not "end this" do you hear me!" She smacked my head again. "You will stay here!" She smacked around my arm as made a weak attempt to block her slaps. "And you will stay with me as long as you can." Self preservation kicked in so I grabbed her wrists and held them at her sides as I rolled on top of her.

"Damn woman, you don't smack a dying man's head!" I nudged my knees between her legs and pulled her wrists above her head.

"Then don't you ever talk about ending it. Again! Do you hear me Ja..." I kissed her hard to end her tantrum. She pulled her hands free and scraped her nails down my back as she arched her pelvis into me. "Now Jack! Please, I want you in me now. Right now."

"Give me a second for crying out loud? You go from smacking my head to pulling on my dick?" But then she rolled on top of me and kissed her way down my chest, licking my nipples, her hands finding what she wanted. Her mouth followed her hands and she devoured me. Okay, that did it.

When I was hard enough for her, she climbed on top and straddled me. She was fierce in her determination to have me in her. She grabbed my cock and plopped herself right down on top. She moaned and dug her fingernails into my chest as she pumped herself forward and back ward. I figured I'd better cooperate and allow her the lead on the one. She seemed a little possessed, maybe even dangerous. I reached up and grabbed her nipples, pinching and twisting and brought her to climax.

After she calmed a bit, I rolled on top of her and took over. I pumped into her rhythmically. "Now are you going to behave or do I have to tie you up?"

"Just stay..." She panted, "just, right here..." She lifted her legs and wrapped them around my back. "just right like this, forever."

"I'd be happy to." I grabbed her legs under her knees and slammed into her over and over again. My right arm let go, but my left arm still held.

She was panting now and I could feel her clamping down on me. With a final push we both climaxed together. As my breathing came back to normal, I noticed her breathing was still erratic only it was from crying. I stayed with her, inside her for as long as I could, holding her and letting her cry.

After some time passed I got out of bed to get some tissues, her face showing the effects of her pain. I had seen enough of my wife's pain to last three lifetimes. I wanted to make it all better for her, allow her to make it all better for me.

I wiped her eyes and held the tissue to her nose and told her to blow. "Remember when Josh had that cold, what was he 18 months? I was trying to teach him to blow his nose. Both Brian and Braden were standing in front of him blowing snot out their noses, chanting ; 'bwo snot Joss, bwo it Joss.' "

"Oh, God that was funny! You wouldn't let anyone wipe their noses until Josh got his snot trail. The twins kept yelling they had the bigger snot trail than you?" Then she gasped. "Oh God, Jack the boys! How do we tell them?"

The following afternoon, we walked back to our car in stunned silence. The appointments with the neurologist, the physical therapist and of course the social worker Gabby left us on overload. Both lost in thought, taking it in, processing. I had had a lot more time to process all of this but Tina seemed shell shocked. I opened her car door for her but she turned to me as if she wanted to hug me.

"Not now love, let's just keep moving for now?"

When we got out of the garage parking lot I suggested a late lunch at a nearby dinner that was supposed to be famous among the locals. She shook her head in silence and continued to shake her head with each suggestion I made for a lunch spot.