My torrid affair with Derrick continued for over a year. So far as I knew, he was exclusive with me as I was with him. He was both my stud and my tender, sensitive, and affectionate lover – and these qualities satisfied me in the main. I qualify that because during that time it became increasingly clear that my dear husband James had discovered that he did in fact have a sexuality. While not fully understanding his enjoyment of the photos of me, I saw to it that his 'album' was regularly updated with erotic photos. And if I missed more than a week or two, the album would appear on my nightstand – a clear indication that he wanted me to provide more visuals to stir his newfound desires. I was always glad to accommodate him and saw to it that Andrew would photograph me alone or with Derrick. Andrew actually had quite well developed visual sensibilities and an erotic appreciation for my body. He photographed me often, in many venues, with Derrick and alone. I of course knew that he wanted me but I was for the time unwilling to revisit our sexual connection. I was trying hard to be monogamous. But I thought about him – often. Andrew was so imaginative in suggesting different venues and poses when he photographed me alone. Though I loved Derrick, it never failed to excite me to make love to Andrew's camera. Yes, I still had an itch for him. Can you blame me? Derrick was a beautiful, black man and I was the envy of every woman at the gym who knew that he was my lover. And he was absolutely gorgeous and satisfied me sexually and emotionally. But I grew restless...and Andrew was increasingly on my mind. I knew that as Don had guided me years before in discovering my sexuality, Andrew could take me to new and exciting places. I simply had to allow him, but I was not quite ready.
And James grew bolder in time. He finally worked up the nerve one evening to discuss the 'album' with me and to share his deeper desires. Our children were with my parents one Friday evening and we were relaxing on the patio with drinks after work. James and I always enjoyed such quiet times together. But I could tell something was on his mind, so I reached over and touched his hand, to let him know that I loved him and knew he wanted to talk. He always appreciated my show of caring.
"What's on your mind, sweetie?" I asked as I lightly held his hand in mine.
James struggled as he always did to find words to express his deeper feelings but finally looked at me, took a deep breath, and just shared his thoughts.
"I've enjoyed looking at the photos of you with Derrick." He seemed embarrassed but my touch told him that it was all fine. "I guess you know that."
"Yes, I do. I hope that what I've shared with you hasn't been too much."
"No, it's been wonderful. It excites me to see you – well, you know, that way. Thank you for all of the photos. They're...well, I don't know how to put it, but it makes me glad to be your husband."
I melted with love for James. "I wouldn't want any other man as my husband. You're the love of my life." He seemed very pleased, as he knew that I meant it.
"May I ask you a question?"
"Of course you may!"
"Who took all those photos of you with Derrick?"
James had obviously been thinking about that pointed question for a long time. And I had never been anything other than honest with him, so I answered him honestly. "He's another trainer at the gym. His name is Andrew."
"Have you been with him?" His eyes could not meet mine. And I wanted him to do just that. I hesitated for just a moment.
"Yes, I have." And then I told him more. "He's the one who has taken the pictures of me by myself."
"Are you still sleeping with him?"
"No. I'm only sleeping with Derrick now."
"Well, I don't understand then. Does Derrick know that Andrew is seeing you naked like that? Doesn't it bother him?" James looked thoughtful and then continued, "Do you still want Andrew?"
And to that I had no answer. I really didn't, for Derrick didn't know. I was trapped. But I had never lied to James before and I wasn't going to start now.
"Yes, I still want Andrew." I felt awful and sluttish. James had quickly found my dark secret – which shouldn't have surprised me as he knew and loved me so well.
"Then why do you not have sex with him?" I had no answer. I knew in an instant that I did in fact want to have sex with Andrew. I looked at James with such love, wondering how I had ever been so lucky to find a man who knew me so well. He patted my hand and continued. "I can tell from his photographs that he is totally taken with you and 'gets' you. I knew someone was. And I knew that it wasn't Derrick."
"How did you know?" I asked wonderingly.
James chuckled. "Intuition, I guess. You think that I am so naïve, Claire. But I'm really not. I knew before you did that you possessed an intense sexuality and that men would fall all over themselves for you. I couldn't..." and he looked away from me and dropped my hand, "give you what a man should give to the woman he loves." He took a moment to compose himself. "So, I just decided that I would learn to be okay with that. And I have, you know! I mean, you spent all of those years with Don and all and now Derrick and I don't know who else..." He started to sob. I moved to him and just held him.
"Yes, you really have," I said, "and you've been the most amazing husband and best friend to me. I love you so much!" I let him cry and just held him. Then, he wiped his eyes and showed me how truly well he knew and loved me.
"You should do what you want and be with whom you want. Forget the rules." His voice was firm and he looked me straight in the eye. "Go and live life on your own terms. Get what you want."
I was stunned – and then delighted. James knew even before I did what I wanted. And I wanted more than Derrick. I kissed him flush on the lips and didn't allow him to pull back. And then I asked him what I had wanted to know from the first day he seen the 'album'. "What do you want, James?"
