[Β©2011 BY CLINTON09; ALL CHARACTERS ARE WELL OVER THE AGE OF 18 WITH IDENTITIES DISGUISED; FOR AGES 21 OR ABOVE]
[Community service at the old age home; what could be worse...or better?]
*
Okay, I admit it. I was a jerk. I was busted for DWI. The judge could've put me away for a little time, first offense, or let me walk.
Instead, he split the difference, giving me the old 'community service' routine. I had to do 100 hours of community service: "see the court clerk and choose."
There was a list of ten places, including the Agnes Senior Citizens'(ASC) Center. I picked that, because seniors were by far the easiest group to get along with: no hazards there.
As I drove up to the ASC, just north of Los Angeles, I got my first surprise. It wasn't an old age home. The courts had screwed up, thinking that an over age-55 home development was the same as a (creepy) retirement home. This place was actually a subdivision of up-scale homes with a clubhouse.
I walked in and got surprise number two. The place was empty and I set up my presentation. Then, it filled up. Well, the women there all laughed. I had brought knitting supplies and projects, you know: knit one, pearl two.
It was perfect...if you were seventy-five. The women that arrived were all 45 to 47. That was because the rules of these places normally are that only one of the buyers needs to be at least 55. So, instead of grandmothers, I was confronted with hot MILF soccer moms. Some wore tennis shorts, others slacks, with one even wearing hot pants.
When I told them why I was there (court orders) and what I had planned (Knitting 101), I received three types of reaction. The whole place erupted in laughter at the thought of being 'Whistler's Mother' and sitting idly with a ball of yarn.
Then a lot of them just up and left. Of the 30 there, 7 remained. All of a sudden, there was ashen silence. I didn't have the slightest idea what was 'going down'.
A quorum of the remaining women convened amongst the folding chairs. Then there was lots of whispering and laughing. They broke: Six sat down while one came forward.
Stella was forty-five. She was the one wearing hot pants. From a distance, she was as hot as any woman I have ever seen. As she approached, I could see her face had some 'character' lines; her legs had veining that some would object to; and other flaws.
That is nitpicking, though. Her figure was good for a woman of any age; for a woman past 45, it approached miraculous. Frankly, considering the fact that this was 'punishment' from the courts, nothing she could say or do would bother me.
Stella: "Young man...Doug is it? Doug, we took an impromptu vote. Now don't freak out or anything, just because we like privacy."
I noticed that the other six were not just sitting idly but were a flurry of activity. Two were closing windows, blinds, and locking doors. Two others were rolling out two cots that were in reserve for local crises like fires or riots. Another was adjusting the lights.
Stella: "We KNOW that this is court ordered. One of these fine lightly aged women is an attorney, in fact. She said that you either perform to OUR satisfaction or the community service time is thrown out and you have to serve HARD time. In other words, we have you by the balls, young man!"
With that, she actually reached into my draw-string athletic pants, gripping my unit. She gave it a squeeze. Ouch! Well, they had me. I was at their mercy. I mean, they were a pack of [slightly] over-age women. What COULD they do, really?
Sure enough, I noticed that all the windows were closed, all blinds cinched up tightly, and all doors locked with 'CLOSED' signs. Worse, their cots were set up in the middle of the folding chair 'audience'.
Even more ominous, the lights had gone from overall room fluorescents to focused overhead spot mercury lamps, making the cots the only illuminated point in the room. Uh-oh!!
Before I had a chance to comment on the 'arrangements', Stella had grabbed me by my 'Brady Bunch' tee shirt and dragged me into the light. Those hags all applauded as she stood me up like a mannequin.
Then her slightly spotted hands went up and down me like a trophy, ending up at the belt line of my draw-string athletic pants. She undid the knot and pushed them down. I wasn't wearing briefsβonly a supporter. Stella reached to the back and announced:
Stella: "Attention, ladies: XXX-Large!! I think this boy hangs some serious meat. Let's just see what the court has ordered up for us?!!"