Not so Long Ago in Your Own Galaxy

This is my contribution for the 2020 Halloween event. If nothing else, it will momentarily divert your attention from the madness that surrounds us.

My 2019 Halloween story had a character who tickled the fancy of many readers. She makes an encore appearance. If you haven't already, please read 'Pencil Me In' to acquaint yourself with my supporting actress.

Any connections you form, with any other fictional cast of characters, is of your own doing. I may have led you to the lake of conclusions, but I didn't make you drink from it. My stories may drive you to drink, but that's a different issue.

If you need your stories to adhere to reality, then hit backspace now.

Please read my profile for my stance on comments. Feel free to email suggestions or to start a conversation. Private messages work too.

In memory of one of my favorites, Mac Davis: "To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man. Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble, but I'm doing the best that I can."

Russell Glyn Ballard: "I never believed in things that I couldn't see. I said 'If I can't feel it, then how can it be?'"

= = = =

Those five dreaded words greeted me one Friday night.

"Honey, we need to talk" from Pam, my wife of six years.

I must have paled as she quickly followed "Andrew, it's not about us!"

"Whew! Alright Pam, what do we need to talk about?"

"My problem with spontaneous orgasms is getting worse. I can't take the sexual harassment at work."

"What about your gynecologist? Didn't she prescribe some kind of medicine to calm you clitoris?"

"She did, but it's not working very well. It's better than it was, but those assholes at work get a big kick out of making me orgasm."

"How bad is it getting?"

"The guys, including my boss and also the owner, have figured out if they talk dirty nearby they can get me to discharge."

"What kind of talk?"

"Sexually explicit! Things like 'Don't you like how it sounds when a cock sloshes around in a pussy?'"

"And you can't block it out?"

"Some of it, but eventually I succumb. My nipples harden and then I see their erect cocks tenting against their slacks. I would never cheat on you, but we need to do something about this. We can't afford for me to quit, and the resumes I've sent out have not generated any job offers. For the last couple of weeks I've been using my phone to record their harassment. I want them to pay. Let's sue my company!"

+ + + +

Pam and I met at a fundraiser. Like a bull and matador, we kept our eyes on each other. Every time I approached Pam, she would step aside, starting a conversation with someone else. Then, as I left her alone, she would look over her shoulder and smile.

As she stood there, I saw her shiver and then hurriedly head to the restroom. I ambushed her when she re-entered the main area.

"Are you alright? It looked like you lost your color for a few seconds. By the way, I'm Andrew."

"Nice to meet you Andrew. I'm Pam. Yes, for a second I did feel a little woozy."

"Care to join me for some snacks?" as I extended my hand.

I swear that when I squeezed her hand lightly, she shivered again. Pam acted like nothing had happened, although she did blush.

It only took a few dates before we were doing the dirty. Having sex with Pam made me feel like the best lover in the world. She would squirt when I stroked her. She would squirt when I licked her. She would buck wildly when my cock was sliding in and out. Making love to her did wonders for my ego.

Only after she confessed, that she had a hair-trigger clitoris did I understand that perhaps my skills weren't responsible. My ego didn't care. I was her stud.

We eloped, pissing off her mother to no end. What a way to start off with my in-laws. Can't say my folks were all that happy about it either. Too bad for them. Pam and I couldn't wait to be married.

+ + + +

After our conversation, about suing Pam's company, I decided to at least check out how much it might cost. My friend Keegan went through a divorce last year, and part of it was suing the company his ex-wife worked for. He also had to defend himself in a couple of counter-suits. I gave him a call.

Keegan and I made small talk for a bit, and then I broached the subject.

"Anyways Keegan, the reason for my call is to see if you would recommend that lawyer who helped you with all of those Bridgette lawsuits."

"Oh definitely. He's pretty young, and certainly an odd one, but the other attorneys feared him. You could see it in their eyes. Let me see if I can find his card. Why do you need a lawyer?"

"Pam has been getting an increasing number of inappropriate touching and suggestive talk at work. Management is dragging their feet and some of them are as bad as her co-workers. We're thinking about filing a sexual harassment lawsuit."

"That's too bad. Here it is. 'D. Vader - Attorney-at-law'. I'll text you his phone number."

"Thanks buddy. Give Darlene and Elvira a hug from both of us."

"Will do. Same for Pam."

+ + + +

It took a week to get into see Mr. Vader. He's a strange one. While we sat in his lobby, waiting for him, a guy wearing a black trench coat and black helmet came in. It sounded like he had a breathing problem.

"Sorry I'm late. Ignore this full face helmet. I have very bad allergies and this seems to help. You must be Andrew and Pamela?"

Once he set his helmet aside, I stood and offered my hand "We are. My friend Keegan used your services a while back."

"Hard to forget that case. Come on into my office. Take the two seats by the coat rack. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No thanks on the drinks. We had lunch just before arriving."

"Tell me again why you are here?"

"Well, Pam is getting sexually harassed at her job."

"Much To Learn, I Still Have."

I rolled my eyes and hoped like hell that Keegan knew what he was talking about. Mr. Vader looked a little British, but sounded like a Mississippi chauffeur.

While we were filling out forms, and telling our woes to Mr. Vader, there was a power outage.

In his deep voice "Stupid power company. In the second drawer of the cabinet behind you, there's a flashlight. Would you get it for me? DO NOT TURN IT ON!"

Reaching around in the dark, I pulled the drawer open, and fished around for a flashlight. It took me a few seconds, but I found it.

Mr. Vader tapped on the table "Slide it over here."

A few seconds after Mr. Vader had the flashlight, it came to life. Very unusual indeed. It had a narrow beam of light and the flashlight buzzed every time he moved it. Even weirder was that the beam of light only extended about four feet. It was quite bright and not what I was expecting. Mr. Vader grabbed an empty coffee cup, dropped the base of the flashlight into the cup, and then pointed the beam at the light fixture. We had enough light to continue.

"That's pretty cool. Where'd you buy that?"

"I made it. For now, I'm calling it a Millennial Light Stick. I've got a patent pending."

"What's that buzzing sound it makes?"

"It's not working quite right yet. This prototype combines failure to launch and light beam loop back technology."

"Never heard of it."

"Yeah, instead of shooting off to the far side of the galaxy, these light beams reverse direction after about four feet, like they're shy of leaving home."

"Amazing. Does it use special batteries?"

Talking quite rapidly "No, but I'm trying to develop a longer lasting battery. I've been experimenting with some of the elements with below one electronegativity. Unfortunately many of those are radioactive. But maybe a sodium, lithium, or barium based battery might work. I'm working with some Japanese investors who are ramping up testing of my prototypes. The most promising for handheld electronics are lithium polymer batteries, with a polymer gel as electrolyte. Using lithium cobalt oxide, LiCoO2, as cathode material, it offers high energy density, but does present safety risks, especially when damaged."

I nodded my head as if I understood even a single thing he had said.

"Your flashlight seems to be radiating a little heat."

"Yeah, until I get it fixed, it could be dangerous. A guy could lose an arm if he isn't careful around it. Alright, let's get back to business."

I smelled the familiar aroma of Pam's secretion. Her face was red with embarrassment.

"Again?" I whispered.

"Yes, his deep voice set me off."

Mr. Vader said "Excuse me. I have to use the restroom."

When he stood up, it looked like his pants didn't fit quite right. It was as if he had a dinner plate pushed down the front of his pants. Maybe a back brace or something like that. I don't know. He walked a little funny as he headed out the door. When he returned, about five minutes later, it looked like his pants fit much better.

After the preliminary paperwork was finished, Mr. Vader announced "I'll take your case on a contingent fee basis. The current industry standard is one third. Will that be acceptable to you?"

Pam locked eyes with me. We nodded our approval, and then she said "Yes, what's next?"

Over the next hour it was hard to tell who squirmed more. No, not me, Pam and Mr. Vader. Pam had several mild orgasms as she played the recorded events and described the who, where, and when of every harassment she'd encountered recently. I held her hand. Mr. Vader excused himself once again to use the restroom. It still looked like he had a dinner plate stuffed down the front of his pants.

After he got to know us, I thought maybe we'd see him smile, but he was all business. Things got interesting when we prepared to leave.

Mr. Vader looked up from his legal pad "Question for you Pam. Would you like your hair-trigger response reduced significantly, or possibly even eliminated?"

Pam wasted no time in responding "You can't imagine how delightful that sounds."

"Well I know someone who I think may be able to help you. She uses non-traditional methods. Although she might not take your case, she does owe me."

"Hey, at this point, it's worth a shot" Pam was quick to answer.

Mr. Vader took a phone out of his pocket, tapped three times, and then hit send. Wow, who has more than a hundred names in their autodial list? He swiveled his chair away from us, and talked softly for a few minutes.

When he turned back towards us, he still had his phone by his ear.

"Can you leave directly from here? She's intrigued and would like to see you as soon as possible. It's about a two hour drive."

Pam and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and then I responded "Sure!"

Mr. Vader talked into the phone "They are on their way."

Reaching into his middle drawer, Mr. Vader pulled out two small packets.

"You need to present these four-leaf clovers to Darla, when you meet her. Here's the driving instructions. Behave yourselves, as she can be your best friend or worst nightmare."

And with that, Pam and I were on the road.

"Do you really think she can help me?"

"Pam, it's a little early to speculate. At this point, we need to be objective and not be blinded by something that's just what we want it to be. Let's be open minded, but cautious. This could be a scam, and we don't have the money to squander."

"But I want it to go away."

"I know sweetie. I know."

Pam's expression, as she sat quietly during the drive, fluctuated between joy and consternation. I sure hope we get something out of this trip.

+ + + +

We drove slowly looking for a road between two black trees.

"THERE! THERE IT IS!" from and excited Pam.

Following the wall lined road until a clearing, I saw where cars had previously parked, so I did the same.

"Andy, this is scary. Are you sure we should be doing this?"

"Mr. Vader recommended her, so I say we trust him."

We walked slowly, holding clenched hands. I won't lie and say I was comfortable with this.

The sign by her fence enclosed front lawn was simple enough 'Darla Retrecir: Shining a Light on the Dark Arts'

The caps on the fence posts were shrunken heads. My breathing was shallow and rapid. What in the hell are we doing here?

We approached with caution. There was something spooky about this place. Then we spotted a heavy-set woman working in the yard. She was dressed in denim overalls, a straw hat, and was surrounded by several three-legged cats. There was a post-hole digger laying on ground next to pile of dirt.

It appeared that the lady was applying clear sealer to a shrunken head.

Pam broke the ice "Those look so lifelike. Do you make them?"

Tilting her head and replying with a smile "Well, something like that sweetie."

The reflected sparkle from her silver tooth was bright.

"So Andrew, what brings you and Pamela here today?"

Cats were appearing from everywhere as I gulped. How did she know our names? I don't remember Mr. Vader mentioning us by name. Pam clutched my arm, hard. I caught a glimpse of a large bird flying by, but my eyes were playing tricks on me as it appeared to be a small monkey flying. Fear certainly has a way of skewing reality.

"Ummm, we're looking for Darla."

"That would be me."

"Here. These are for you" as Pam's shaking arm handed the four-leaf clovers to Darla.

"Thank you my little pretty. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Our attorney said you might be able to help us with a problem. He said you use non-traditional methods."

Darla chuckled "Non-traditional? I like that. Let's go inside. Take your shoes off by the door."

We made small talk for a while. The cats were rubbing up against us, purring loudly. There didn't appear to be a rhyme or reason for the trinkets adorning Darla's walls.

She had a glass ball, perhaps the size of a basketball, floating in a drum filled with liquid. When I nudged Pam, she also looked at the ball. There was something mesmerizing about it.

"Aw, I see you've spotted my crystal ball. Stand. Come with me. Let's see what we can learn."

We stood there with our hands on this glass ball. When Darla put her hands on it, the ball started glowing green. It felt like my hands were glued to the ball as I couldn't move a finger.

"Let's see, Andrew, it looks like you've been completely faithful."

I grinned and nodded my head. Pam gave me an adoring look.

"And you've only truly lusted after your best friend's wife. Let me see, ah yes, she does look like a swimsuit model, doesn't she?"

That adoring look had been replaced with pursed lips and fiery eyes, as Pam kicked me in the ankle. Damn, that hurts.

"Now Pamela, my oh my! Although you've been completely faithful, I see you lust after hundreds, no wait, make that thousands of men. Yet, you have remained faithful. Remarkable."

"I love Andy, but my body betrays me. I look at every man like a piece of meat. He probably has a cock. A cock that would get hard. A cock that might help scratch that itch that never goes away. It's a never ending cycle of itching and scratching. Just thinking about it makes me wet, then they smell my excitement. I only want Andy though."

The ball stopped glowing and our hands fell away. Darla left and returned with tall glasses on a tray. Steam cascaded over the edge of each drink.

Although afraid to drink whatever this was, I was unable to stop myself when Darla offered Pam and I a drink.

We waited patiently as Darla scribbled some notes on the four leaf clovers. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and I swear for a second they flashed red. The hair on my arms and neck stood up. Pam was clutching my arm so hard that I feared her fingernails would break skin.

Finally Darla spoke.

"Well here's what I propose. We will have to hurry as this can only be accomplished on All Hallows' Eve. With my skills and your help, I can reverse the polarity on your clitoris Pamela. It will avoid contact with your skin, using something like a force field around it."

"You mean I could never have an orgasm again?"

"Your toys will still work."

Raising my eyes I turned to Pam "You use toys?"

"Of course silly. You're not always around."

Turning back to Darla, Pam asked "Does this mean Andy won't be able to please me?"

"Not unless he gets treated as well. Are you ready to make that commitment Andy?"

Like I had a choice in the matter?

Without hesitation "Of Course! But how about, you know?"

"Don't worry, you'll still be able to masturbate."

Pam turned quickly towards me "You still masturbate?"

"Of course silly. You're not always around."

I then turned to Darla "What kind of treatment must I undergo?"

"You'll drink one of my potions. The net effect will be that your cock will bring discomfort to any woman other than Pamela, but will bring Pamela great pleasure."

Pam jumped in "Can you make his cock fall off if he even thinks about pleasuring another woman?"

Darla giggled "Well I could, but then I usually do married couples together, so he could ask the same for your clit and G-spot. Still want to go that route?"

"No, I'm good" Pam responded.

Ever the accountant, Pam continued "How much will this cost us? Do you take credit cards?"

"I'll only do this if you agree to get pregnant. And then it will be free."

There was a bit of panic in Pam's voice "Pregnant? When? I don't understand!"

"Your attorney is incapable of siring children, but I can propagate his DNA, with your help. I owe him for something that happened a few years ago."

"How bad could it have been? And why?"

"Well let's just say that he stepped over the line and really pissed off his older sister. The good news is that he ended up with a really deep voice."

"Wait! Mr. Vader is your brother?"

"Mr. Vader? That's cute. Yes, he's my younger brother."

"So why do you owe him?"

"Before he left for college, he decided that he was entitled to a larger cock. He'd been reading too many of those smut magazines, about jumbo cocks, and he had one of those smaller presidential models. After hounding and taunting me, that I couldn't do something like that, I agreed to help him. Before I gave him the long dongus treatment, I decided to play a joke on him. Unfortunately he became impatient, grabbed me, and started tickling my feet. As you already know, he's a big man. Although I warned him to stop, he kept it up. As he continued his onslaught, I screamed out a curse, which gave him his jumbo cock. Now, when he gets excited, his cock flattens into the shape of a dinner plate. It's called saucerosis. Twelve inches across, one quarter inch tall, and completely useless. I hate being tickled. Since I screamed the curse, it can't be reversed."

Pam shuddered a few times while listening. Note to self, 'Do NOT playfully tickle Darla'.

"About the pregnancy, what do you mean by 'with our help'?"

"Well Andrew, you and Mr. Vader would be like grandfathers to your child. Neither of you would be its father, but both of you would be very much responsible for its DNA makeup. Think of it like putting two drops of different colors of food coloring together. They blend perfectly and thoroughly."

"And you can make this happen?"

"Yes. Pamela, you need to stop taking your birth control pills. Here's a jar. Give Andy a quick hand job, into the jar, and then screw the lid on. I need you back here in a few weeks on All Hallows' Eve. Thankfully this year the full moon is on that day, else we'd have to wait until spring. Be here before sunset or we'll lose our chance. Got it?"

"Most definitely."

"Great. I'll get some DNA from your Mr. Vader. When you return, I'll use a baster to inseminate you Pamela. One more thing. Once this is over, you'll have no memory of any of our meetings. Until then, if you even hint at having ever met me, I'll turn your tongues into stone. Still want to do this?"

Pam didn't even look my way before responding "YES!"

"Great. Now help Andrew fill that jar."

Unzipping me, Pam fetched my hardening cock. Darla didn't even turn away. Her silver tooth sparkled as Pam jacked me off. I made it last and filled that little jar to the brim. Man, I'd never come in buckets like that before.