I continued to listen to Nora's recounting of her nearly two year relationship with a wealthy older man who guided her through a series of highly erotic episodes. These produced in her an ardent craving for more sexual stimulation and left her at times feeling corrupted, dissolute, even addicted. Much of this lustful hunger was provoked by her frequent exposure to very special erotic films and photographs created or acquired by her older confidante and mentor. Nora describes these and her reactions to them, as well as her own sexual acts, in shameless and lewd detail. She does this in a long recording she made for me based on her diary and notebooks from this period.
The sexual experiences Nora describes leave me with much to try to understand -- and accept. Now I need to better comprehend my wife's deepest, partially hidden from me until now, sexual predilections and needs and to consider how our relationship, and especially our sexual lives, might be enriched in the years ahead.
Here is the transcript:
James, I did return to watch several more of Beri's " special access/ privileged" erotic movies in the weeks ahead. Most of them were from the Seventies and Eighties and several featured women and men who already were or later became well known cinema stars. I recall especially a French film in which the very sexy Romy Schneider was shared by several men who worked on her wealthy family's farm in Normandy. In a barn, in a field, in the back of a truck. So decadent. And such a turn on to watch someone I had seen in popular and well-regarded movies participating in such raw sexual situations. In another French film a young, irresistible and enthusiastic Emmanuelle Beart, certainly still a teenager, was on a yacht, pursued and taken by several friends, both men and women, of the wealthy older owner. Even I felt desire for her, James.
Sometimes Beri and I were very quiet during a movie, just letting our level of engagement rise. But usually Beri asked me what I was feeling as we watched. I became more and more frank in my comments. If I said to him that the scene we were watching made me feel hot and horny he might whisper, "Don't you want to touch yourself, Nora? I would like that."
So often I did do what he suggested, James. I liked doing it while he was there and we were watching something that turned me on. The films were a strong aphrodisiac, my sexual hunger rising. I would like to see some of them again. With you.
Sometimes Beri would encourage me to fantasize while we watched and then he would begin to touch me. When I was watching a couple have sex he might ask if I would I like to be that woman. Was I picturing myself in her position? I knew it excited him if I would respond by saying something like, "I would like to be that woman Beri, to be fucked hard that way, to have a man use me so selfishly. I would want to give in to him, let him take advantage of me."
"And what else would you have wanted to happen," Beri might say. And I might fantasize just to please him. I began to enjoy sexual dialog and using strong sexual words, even very coarse and vulgar terms. Dirty words. Saying forbidden things. I began to like that more and more and I knew he wanted to hear more and more.
James, I remember saying once during a movie, "Beri, after that man I wanted had finished with me I would ask him to blindfold me and handcuff me and to then give me to his friend, the one who was always staring at me. I would have asked the friend to lie on the bed and let me sit on his face. I would promise him if he brought me off that way I would offer him my cunt any way he wanted--and anything else he wanted, even my hot ass. I would like to be with a man who knows how to please my ass, Beri, first with his finger and then with his tongue and then pushing his cock in until I could take it smoothly and enjoy his long hard strokes filling me up. I'd like to have an orgasm for him just from being in my ass like that."
Watching those special movies Beri acquired almost always made me very hot and, if we smoked a joint as we watched, my mind seemed to open up and expand even more and I would envision myself unrestrained in sexual situations. Beri's special erotic movies would lead me to think about actually doing things that I would not even have thought about until my time with him. I lusted to have sex in ways I had thought of as forbidden and I liked talking about them. Nothing that I said ever seemed to embarrass or offend Beri.
Sometimes we talked about whether we desired someone in the movie we were watching. Usually he would ask me what I thought about a particular man. Sometimes I would say to him, "That man turns me on, Beri. I would love to fuck that guy if he was here right now." And several times he responded, "Nora my dear, I know someone like that who could please you." I did not respond but it made me think about it. I had not had intercourse in several months before I met him.
Sexually, Beri was very patient with me, pleasing me with his hands and his mouth, though I was disappointed that he avoided intercourse. Sometimes I wondered if his health was really the only issue. Or did he fear he would disappoint me, not be able to remain hard or would ejaculate far too soon? Did he feel that in comparison to the men in the films his small size would repel me? I never felt I fully understood this aspect of his sexuality. Perhaps he simply found that seducing me, watching me, listening to me, and pleasing me in other ways was sufficient both for me and for himself.
So we went on in this way. And at that point I did not feel I was being manipulated or pressured. Or maybe I would not admit it to myself. We often met in the evening at an arts event. Though it was unspoken, we did not want to be viewed as a couple. Usually we did not arrive or leave together but agreed to meet later at his apartment. Often we had a late supper there; he cooked or we ordered from favorite restaurants. Sometimes we just talked or read together. When one of Beri's special movies was available we watched it, almost always a foreign film with footage of the actors engaging in real sex, always very provocative. But we watched other movies too, often classics, often French or Japanese, but from other countries as well.
During this time I finished my thesis and it was accepted so that I would receive my MBA at the end of the semester. In fact my thesis got very positive comments from my main advisor who suggested I consider applying for a Ph.D. He said I could finish the course work in an additional 18 months and could expand my thesis into a dissertation. I knew that would take at least another year. I was trying to decide what to do: search for a full time job or formally apply for the doctoral program at the Kellogg School. After a series of interviews I accepted a job with the ACAG, the Association of Chicago Art Galleries. It seemed like a good start and I could draw on what I had learned in doing my thesis. And I could always decide later to enter the Ph.D program.
After I had been seeing Beri for six months or so, he shocked me one evening by asking me how I would feel about him inviting a young couple he was friends with to watch one of his "special" films with us. He described it briefly for me. At first I told him I was doubtful I could handle that, I would be shy and nervous and defensive. Beri reminded me of how receptive I had become to the growing eroticism of our times together over the past months. He said, "Nora, I have been so impressed at how open to new adventures you have been, even with my own sexual limitations. You have seemed to embrace the sexual journey we have been on together. Hasn't it given you new pleasure and excitement? But perhaps you have concluded this has gone far enough, maybe too far, and maybe I have overstated what I have perceived as your sexual curiosity, desire, and daring. Maybe I should not suggest another step. Maybe you need time to think. I don't want to push you where you do not want to go.
"Take your time, Nora. But I really hope you will consider my suggestion. My friends Chad and Lily are an attractive and sensitive couple in their early thirties. We could all relax together, maybe start by sharing a joint, and then feel an erotic high together as we watch a sexy movie in the dark. Nora, nothing will ever happen to you while you are with me you don't want to happen. You already know that. However, I venture watching this film with them sitting near us will make you feel very alive sexually, something new and more edgy-- and I think you like such a feeling. That could be enough, just that."
During the days that followed I thought about Beri's suggestion. At times I thought of it as a dare. I recognized from his enthusiasm this kind of situation must be a special turn on for him. Playing the roles of mentor and enabler and probably participant. I was not blind to that. And I admitted to myself I had grown to relish feeling sexually daring. I even thought of myself as having been brave in agreeing to new experiences in his company. And he was right; so far I had enjoyed the journey. I told myself I should feel thankful and have confidence in his proposals. So, with some reservations, I called him on Wednesday to tell him I was ready to join the three of them on Saturday evening.
When I arrived, Chad and Lily were already there having drinks with Beri. Indeed, as Beri had said, they were very attractive, especially Chad who was tall and blond and handsome and looked very strong. Lily was very pretty though not quite on the same level physically. They seemed very pleased, even excited, to meet me and we talked easily over dinner, mostly about particular things we liked about living in Chicago.
After dinner Beri suggested that we smoke together and then watch a new British film he had acquired. So that was what we did. Things were going very smoothly. Soon I was relaxed and mellow. I recall at one point Lily said, "Beri, she is just as lovely as you told us. Really stunning!"
I was unsure how to take that comment but I was in the mood to let it pass. Beri had moved two small couches into the room where we would watch the film and, after we were seated, he lowered the lights -- lower than usual I noticed.
Another Erotic Movie
The movie was set mainly on a large estate in Kent, probably several decades ago. The estate was now occupied by a middle aged father and his handsome son, Jack, who had returned to the manor several years before after taking his degree at Cambridge. The father's wife had died a decade earlier and the father, like many other owners of old estates, was finding it difficult to meet expenses, even with leasing much of the land to others. To help address this challenge Jack had very recently becomes engaged to a rather homely and slightly older woman, the only child of a newly wealthy manufacturing family who had moved nearby. The funds the manufacturer's daughter would bring to the marriage, still several months away, would save the estate and, in exchange, would grant prestige to her family through this new association with one of the oldest of the county families, prominent socially and politically for generations. There is talk in the county Jack will be elected to Parliament in the years just ahead. For the time being, almost all of the estate's employees have been let go except for several farmhands, a cook and a beautiful young housemaid hired recently from the nearby county town. She is the only staff member who stays overnight at the estate.
Over the weeks since she was hired the maid, Marian, and the son, Jack, have been exchanging frequent smoldering looks expressing their growing sexual desire. In the first sexual scene in the movie Marian is shown masturbating in her bedroom, gazing at a photo of the handsome son. He is doing the same in his room while thinking of her. It is obvious to us from their attractiveness why they would each desire the other.
One night as Jack returns from another dull evening with his betrothed and her family, instead of turning toward his room he decides to take the stairway up to the floor just above. As he looks down the hallway he sees a light under the door of the room he knows is occupied by the young maid. He knocks gently and, without pausing, enters. Marian is lying on her bed, the top of her nightgown lowered so that we see her beautiful breasts and bright nipples. Below, she has raised her gown and her hand is moving on her sex. She looks frankly at Jack, returning his hungry gaze with a smile, and tells him she has been dreaming of his coming to her, wanting this to happen. She invites him to sit on the edge of her bed while she remains as is, her breasts and sex uncovered to him. Soon he leans over her and they begin to kiss passionately. Jack removes the the gown entirely and his eyes wander over her shapely body for the first time. She whispers to him. "Jack, I am no virgin, but tonight I am like ripe fresh fruit that you have found and now may gorge yourself on as you wish. Fast or slow, hard or soft, take your pleasure and I will have mine."
She spreads herself on the bed, wantonly eyeing him, then opening her legs even wider, inviting him. The camera follows them then through their rising desire, their hands and their mouths on each other, enjoying their most private parts. Soon we see Jack enter her pussy and we hear their noisy progress and share their delight through several predictable positions.
