No Reply - Yes There Is!

This story is an alternate ending to Hard Days Night's "No Reply". It begins when Bill gets home from his trip.

I have read three other versions but none that really burn down the tradition. I suggest readers not familiar with "No Reply" have a read before reading this. I recommend the other works too as each expresses a different point of view and result.

In the original the women of this town have a "tradition" of taking a young man, just coming of age and teaching him how to please a woman under the pretext of having a grove of trees planted. When Bill goes on a fishing/golf trip with his dad and a friend, he gets a call from his wife asking if it's OK if she gets a young guy to plant some apple trees. Bill figures out what is going on but has not told his wife to cancel the trees.

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When I got home I saw the apple trees planted along the drive. I was pretty sure what else went on but hoped I was wrong. Entering the house, I called out "Debbie, I am home". Debbie came rushing to the door and welcomed me home with a big hug and a kiss, that landed on my cheek as I turned my head. I pushed her back and looked into her eyes.

"OK, Debbie tell me exactly what happened here this past week." I demanded.

"You know very well what happened. Jeff Emerson was here and we did the same thing you did with Janice Burrows." Debbie tried her best bluster to make me back down. She looked away from my stare after several silent seconds.

"I will be in the shop. Don't bother me for a while" I growled. I dropped my bags and walked out the door. Next I made a huge sign with a sheet of plywood from my shop - "My wife, Debbie Wicks-Johnson FUCKED Jeff Emerson to get these trees planted with help from my Mother - Bill Johnson" it read on both sides. I propped it up in the centre of my pickup bed with 2 x 4's.

I got a long rope and tied it around each tree starting with the one furthest from the street and finally to the hitch on my truck. Then I slowly pulled the truck forward until all the trees were uprooted. Finally I got out some powerful herbicide, glyphosate, we keep in the shed and sprayed every tree, especially the roots. Then I drove slowly, dragging the trees, honking my horn every few feet to my parents' house and dropped off the trees and the sign on the street in front of their house.

When I got home Debbie was furious. Mom called her and told her what I had done. I just smiled as she ranted "How could you do that, you embarrassed me and your mother." She raved on for a good 20 minutes while I just laughed.

When she ran out of gas I said "You embarrassed me when you let Jeff fuck you. This is just the beginning of your embarrassment."

I went upstairs, showered and got ready for bed. I went to the guest room and started to crawl into bed. Debbie asked why I was using the guest room and I replied "You and your fuck-buddy used our bed, right? So I will never sleep in that bed or that room again." When she returned ready for bed I told her to get out. "I don't want to touch your filthy body or see your face - leave!" She slowly backed out and went to bed in our room.

The next morning I was up early and left before Debbie got up. I went to the local newspaper. I placed and ad - not a classified, a regular advertisement ad. So everyone would see it: "One Week Only - Free Tree Removals Call Bill Johnson".

It didn't take long for my cell phone to start ringing. Uncle Steve was first. Those weeping-willows were pretty big but I have a back hoe and I made short work of them. When I was done I got Uncle Steve to tell the story about my aunt screwing some kid while he was away and what he knew about the tree plantings. I recorded the conversation and went to my next job at Jim's place.

Cherry trees have roots that spread all over but once again the backhoe got all the roots and suckers. Jim related his story to my cell phone recorder.

I had more calls from Mr. Mason, Mr. Fullmer and Mr. Gray. A lot of trees were cleared out that week and a lot of stories were collected.

Debbie kept trying to get me to talk about it. She ordered a new bed for our room with all new bedding. she made a pot roast dinner - I went out for a burger. My mother tried to intervene and I told her that my mother was dead to me. The women in the community were getting frantic as the men stood up to them. I ran into lots of the men eating out at the pub and more than one bought me a beer.

Having dealt with the trees, I drove to Philadelphia to a big network TV station and asked to see the news producer. She was a very business-like woman in her 40's. She was very interested in the story, especially when I played her my recordings. She assured me that she wanted an exclusive on the story and would be sending a team out - "No need to take it to other stations".

When I got home Debbie was waiting. "Where have you been?" she asked her bluster was a bit more nervous now.

"I was taking care of some business in the city" I replied.

"I made a roast chicken for dinner, will you have some?" she asked. I nodded and sat at the table.

We made only small talk weather, politics and such while we ate. After dinner she served a lemon meringue pie. "You could have stopped it" she began, "All you had to say was no to the trees. I would not have done it."

"You are a grown woman, Debbie. You know right from wrong. It's not for me to give permission or refuse it. What you did was wrong. You knew it then and you know it now." My voice rose as I spoke finally I pushed my pie away and left the table.

A couple of days later a news van showed up. They took pictures of the huge pile of trees I made. They filmed the news reporter in front of the Burrows trees. They talked with several of the men who had been part of the scandal. A pleasant young woman convinced Mom to tell her side. Debbie wouldn't talk but they got lots of footage of her running away and hiding her face.

In the end the documentary went network wide. Debbie was reviled in the community and shunned in church as was my mother. Debbie was infamous from coast-to-coast.

I filed for divorce but cited "Irreconcilable Differences" as grounds.

Debbie wanted to attend counselling but I told her it was useless and eventually she signed off. She left town for parts unknown. Maybe she will find some place where she is not known.

I get plenty of sympathy and attention from the single ladies in the area but I haven't started dating again.

My mother keeps wanting me to talk to her. Maybe I will someday. My dad and Uncle Steve still go fishing and golfing and I join them. They both kept their wives after the big blow up but the men walk with a new spring in their step.