No One Got Hurt

John and I had been married fifty two years. This year we had planned to retire to Cocoa Beach Florida January 1

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. We had visited Florida every year for the past twenty five years. We stayed for one month in January. We loved the beaches. The fishing and the dog track. We walked the beach and ate fish. What healthier life style could you get?

I worked part time for an accountant. Each year I worked from February 1

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to June first helping Dan with his Tax accounts. During the rest of the year I would help for one or two days if he got a little overloaded.

John was a building contractor. He built one at a time. He was excellent and was always backlogged with work. He never planned work for January. That was our time.

Our life together was special. We both were very much in love. We enjoyed our own company and did everything together. I planted a huge garden each summer. John would help me dig and weed it. We gave most of the food away. We had our ups and downs but mostly up. When we met both of us instantly knew we wanted each other. That never changed. We shared the house work and cooking.

Dan was not only my boss but also my close friend. We often all went to restaurants together with his wife Betty. Unfortunately, Betty developed lung cancer. It was caught in the later stages and she passed on. This was about ten years ago.

Danny went into a severe depression. I helped him with his work but nothing could snap him out of his dark moods. He would often sit crying. One day I went and put my arms around him kissed him. He stopped crying and thanked me. I hugged him and told him I would do anything to get him out of his depression. He asked me if I would lay on his bed with him and just spoon for awhile. I did asking him to keep everything platonic. He did. He did cheer up after the session.

He started asking me to spoon on a regular basis. I told him if he behaved we could do it once a month He behaved. Then one day he reached up my dress an took off my panties. I tried to stop him but he begged me just try one time. He placed his penis in me and came almost immediately.

I realized he did not have any experience in a sexual relationship. It was spread your legs, three pushes and shoot. I got absolutely nothing from this experience. He was extremely happy. I really cared about Danny. He was an older man and I felt sorry for him. I told him That maybe around once a month we could have sex but not more often. That's how it started. It was never more than once a month. I got nothing out of it.

We were planning on moving to Florida for our retirement. January first was the day we were leaving. Out home was in the hands of a realtor. We were selling everything including the furniture in our house.

Dan came over with some bad news. He had lung cancer. The most he would live would be six months. After he left I immediately told John we would have to wait before we moved. John disagreed and angrily insisted that we were leaving on the first of January.

We had our first major argument in a long time. John lost it. He asked me if I was sleeping with Dan. I said of course not. He said he was growing suspicious during the last year. Since we were leaving he had let it go. He had no intentions of staying until he passed. I told him I was very close to Dan and would stay if he required my help. John asked again if I was sleeping with him. I decided it really was not the kind of relationship that he thought it was. I would tell him exactly what it entailed.

I told him exactly what was included and that it happened less than once a month. I said it never affected our relationship. No one got hurt. I only did to help a depressed man that I cared for.

He said "I will be right back." He came back walked into the room. Placed a gun at his temple and killed himself. On his chest was a big sign the said. "No one got hurt".

I was finished. I couldn't believe what happened. My entire world lay on the floor. I couldn't rationalize what John had done. I collapsed. When I woke up I was in the mental ward of the local hospital.

The staff psychiatrist spent hours with me. I cried. I screamed. My mind could not recognize what had happened. Dan visited me. I asked him to leave and not return. I refused to speak to our friends. I basically just wanted to die.

The doctors gave me electric shock therapy. After many treatments my brain was so scrambled is started thinking of other thinks than John's awful death. I slowly started to return to a so called normal state. The hospital released me. I did not have a close relative. The first month I had a nurse with me.

I often thought how shattered John was to do what he did. When I reversed the situation in my memory I realized how John must have felt. After fifty years all his realities had changed.

I never had a relationship again with any man. The pain from the loss never left me. The senselessness of the loss never left me.

Dan died a short time later. I did not even go to the funeral. I prayed for him, for John and most of all for me. I wished John would have done me in when he killed himself. Fortunately, I have only a short time to live. They found an incurable tumor in my brain. I pray that god forgives me and allows me to meet John in heaven. I have so much to say to him. Please pray for me.