It isn't me.
I write what I write, if you like it, great, if you don't.... Sorry, move along.
I'm past caring about grammar and my spelling is so bad I use Grammarly, but that has a mind of its own sometimes and changes a sentence that I thought was good, I don't always catch it, even on a third reading, so again, sorry if it offends you.
I'm not going to go into my previous life, but let's say I thought I was happy, turned out that I wasn't.
Sounds daft doesn't it, unbeknown to me I was becoming depressed, it was slow, over a couple of years, not days or months, but years.
My wife of 15 years banged the last nail into me one afternoon.
I'd just got home from work, an hour early for a change.
She made tea, it's what we drank mostly.
"Jeff, I want a baby!"
Now after 15 years some of you might be asking why? Why now, why haven't we had one before now, and I wouldn't blame you, but, isn't there always a but.
But I have known from my teens, that I don't want children, I know that I will make a bad dad, a really bad dad, and from everything that I have ever seen or heard child birth is painful, and I just can't understand how I could hurt the woman I love that much.
If I hit her she'd go mental, and I would deserve it, so somewhere in my mind it's the same, I can't hurt the woman I love.
So as soon as we got close, more than just a girlfriend more than just a good fuck, when the feelings of love were flowing between us, I had the conversation with her, I explained that I never wanted children, never, not now and not in the future.
You have to understand that I have a degree with honours in hindsight, I now see that omitting to add that bit about not being able to hurt the love of my life was the start of my life's downward spiral.
So back to the "I want a baby" conversation, if she had asked for anything else I would have had something to say like, 'how about a cheaper option, are you sure we need one, how much?'
But I didn't have anything to say, blindsided, caught off guard, surprised, none of those, SHOCKED, stunned, I couldn't say anything.
She knew what she was doing, but I wasn't able to get my head around it.
"I want a divorce." It wasn't said in a hurtful way, but I'd been married to her for 15 years and together for 2 more before that, so I knew that this wasn't a bad joke, it wasn't April fools day, this was real, but it still wasn't to me.
"Come on, one last time." I think that's what she said, I had no idea what she was talking about, but I followed her, into the spare bedroom, where she stripped off, no sort of sexy striptease, just stripped off and undressed me, okay I think I might have helped, but it wasn't ..... us, if that made sense, it was mechanical, it was 2 strangers who got on the bed and fucked each other, it wasn't love, it was, from what I remember, hard sex.
I do remember that we started in missionary, changed to doggie and back to missionary, and in that position as I pounded into her I begged her not to leave me, told her that I would give her a baby if that's what it took to keep her, keep us together.
I was crying as I begged her as I fucked her as I begged her as I came in her for the last time, I was still crying as she rolled me off her and got out of bed.
"It would never work would it? Best you stay here now." I heard her go to the shower.
We talked, only about how we would split it all up, we never touched again. I spent hours in car parks wasting time, I found how lonely it is in a busy pub or cafe over the next 6 months, I stopped going to pubs as I had to have a driving license for work, the couple of times I went in the evening, I found I had drunk 3 drinks in half an hour, if I stayed for the 2 or 3 hours that I needed to stay away I wouldn't have been able to walk let alone drive, and there was the money, I wasn't poor but nowhere near rich.
Looking back, if she hadn't been planning it, she'd been thinking about it for a while, she had talked to people, got advice before driving the nail in.
"Have you got a minute?" She asked one evening.
I had minutes, hours, days as far as I could see, forever.
She had it all worked out, showed me that if we used the one solicitor and I agreed to take half the money she could buy the house off me, it would give me enough money to buy something for myself, it was all done and dusted in 4 months, I had to move back in with my parents, not the thing I thought I would ever do.
A friend, not sure now if that's true, but that's another story.
He got me going out a few evenings, just a friendly drink, his wife had a friend, you can guess the rest. Nice enough lady but not for me, I don't think it was on offer and I certainly didn't try for sex with her, but we did go out a few times and when she heard that I was going house hunting jumped at the chance to go with me and give her woman's views on them.
She was good, saw things that I missed, several times we were Mr and Mrs looking to buy, they didn't need to know about what we were to each other, she helped me to make what I look back on as the best decision that I could, still no regrets about the one I bought.
Life crawled along, work, bit of gardening but no love life, no social life, my money was tight. A year, bit more and life changed again.
It was a bright morning, 5 o'clock, I had to be at work at 7, it was at least an hour's drive, but this lovely morning I dressed and went to get breakfast, I dropped a mug, it shattered on the floor, and shattered me at the same time.
I burst into tears, I'm a man, I might be a big softy, but I don't cry, the last time was when...... I was fucked by my wife, she was still my wife, I wasn't going to do anything about her, not now.
I cried and cried, I couldn't stop. I phoned in sick, made some excuses and went back to bed.
I think I stayed in bed for 2 days, only getting out to use the bathroom, at some point I found that I had to go out and buy some food. Lucky it was still bright, I used sunglasses to hide my red eyes. I went to the doctor first thing Monday morning, she saw me after an hour in the waiting room.
You used to get 15 minutes with the doctor, but I was in with her for over an hour, she signed me off work for a month, gave me 3 types of pills and I had to go back Friday morning.
The time went, my tears stopped but I still felt like crying a lot of the time, I had 2 weekly appointments with the doctor, and at the end of the month she signed me off for another 3 months. Unheard of.
My bosses went mad, came and took my van away, that was the only contact I had with work for the 4 months.
To cut the story short I was off work for a year, I had gone onto half pay, but it still covered my bills, just.
As the year anniversary approached I was sent a letter telling me that I had to go to see the works doctor, not asked, told.
I found my way there and sat in front of an old man who looked like he had seen it all, the good, bad and ugly, he asked all sorts of questions, I told him the truth, the pills made me feel relaxed, and when he asked about how work had been, how had they supported me I told him that the letter for this visit was the only contact I'd had, I could see he wasn't happy.
A week later and HR, the boss himself phoned me, asking if he could come and have a chat with me.
A week later and he's offering me redundancy as if I've worked for my whole life, with a cheque that paid off my mortgage and put a bit in the bank, if I excepted that after 2 weeks he would employ me, part time, to work for him, I didn't bite his hand off but it worked out for me, he was as good as his word and for the first time in a long while I had no money problems hanging over me, it helped me get back on my feet.
Over the year, I'd been to see a shrink or 2, had to go to weekly meetings with a group of others with the same problems in one way or another, I had made a friend there, Jim, he seemed a good bloke, after he first left the group and then I had, we started to go for a beer, or have a coffee, he brought his wife along one time and she was friendly, fun.
Shelly and I sat talking as Jim went to pick up a package from the post office, he must have been gone for at least half an hour, she had refilled our coffee mugs and when she sat back down she chose to sit beside me, not where she had earlier.
"Would you like to come for a meal with us?" I thanked her and we sorted out a time and day. Jim made a comment when he came back along the line of we looked cosy, and then asked if Shelly had asked me.
"Only about a meal, we'll leave the other till then."
The day arrived, we had decided that a lunch would be good, I took some flowers for her and some beer for Jim, I was still on these pills and they didn't agree with booze, I drank tea mostly.
I'd dressed smartly, Jim looked his usual scruffy self, Shelly looked like she had gone to trouble making herself look good, better than good if I'm honest.
We chatted like friends, it wasn't a day to sit outside so we used the conservatory they had but moved into the house to eat, Jim was sitting at the table when I walked in helping Shelly carry the dishes, he was in the chair that was on one side and I had assumed that was going to be mine.
"No it's alright mate, you sit next to her, give her a change." Jim smiled at the pair of us.
I was on her left, it was a salad with different meats to choose from, followed by a homemade tart with ice cream.
Jim went and made the coffees leaving Shelly and I talking.
"Jim tells me that you have had a hard couple of years, been on your own a lot, any girlfriends in the picture?" I told her an abridged version of my story, admitting that they were probably my only friends at the moment, and girls had been off the menu.
"Good, there's a favour that I want to ask you, Jim's with this all the way." I was worried about where this was going, I knew that they had money problems, I couldn't see what else they could possibly want from me, I must have looked rich to them, Jim had told me how bad things were at times. Jim walked in with the drinks.
"I've just got to pop out to pick up some stuff, Shelly has my full permission to ask you, if you want to please do, whatever you want to do is alright if it's alright with Shelly, she'll show you what we mean. See you later, have fun." And he was gone.
"It's easier if I show you, can I show you?" I nodded yes. "Stay there."
Shelly went out of the room and I heard her go upstairs, 2 / 3 minutes later and I heard her coming back downstairs.
I gasped as she came into the room, she was dressed in a very sexy wrap, it showed, not hid what she had on underneath, a corset, stockings on suspenders, high heels and nothing else.
